Jordan McLean couldn't watch the replay. There he sat, with three men deciding something as trivial as a suspension while Alex McKinnon faced the prospect of never walking again.
McLean's face was void of expression, but his agony was there for all to see.
![Ashen faced: Jordan McLean at the judiciary hearing before his seven-week ban after being found guilty of a dangerous throw.](/web/20161002055708im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/s/x/4/1/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grs85q.png/1475378148284.jpg)
In 22 years his own mother had never seen that look on her son's face, which had been plastered across television screens and newspapers throughout the country.
The torment of his involvement in the tackle that paralysed McKinnon saw McLean become unrecognisable to those closest to him.
![Reluctant to open old wounds: Jordan McLean at a Storm training session in Melbourne during the week with his son Archie.](/web/20161002055708im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/s/x/5/l/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grs85q.png/1475378148284.jpg)
The heartache, according to his mother Julie, "changed him forever".
"I had been looking at that face for 22 years, but all of a sudden I just couldn't recognise that face any more," Jordan's mother told Fairfax Media.
"I couldn't get a read on what he was feeling. That was very foreign to me. As a mum, that was extremely hard because I just didn't recognise that expression, or lack of expression, on his face. I'd never seen him like that before."
The morning after he was handed a seven-week ban after being found guilty of a dangerous throw by the NRL judiciary in April 2014, McLean's brother Tony fronted Orange District Court charged with a one-punch attack in 2013 that hospitalised his victim for three months.
![Newcastle Knights, right, players huddle as Alex McKinnon is treated after the tackle from Jordan McLean that left him ...](/web/20161002055708im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/s/x/5/c/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grs85q.png/1475378148284.jpg)
But even with his life on the verge of being tipped upside down, Tony's thoughts were still with his suffering brother.
"Good luck to the little bro Jordan Mclean tonight, hopefully the rite [sic] decision will be made, its a heartfelt and terrible accident that no one can change," he posted on Facebook just hours before the NRL's most emotional judiciary hearing.
![Paralysed: Alex McKinnon.](/web/20161002055708im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/h/4/7/7/l/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grs85q.png/1475378148284.jpg)
"My heart goes out to Alex and the McKinnon family, it's a very sad time and i wish them all the best. If the nrl think punishing Jord is going to justify what happened. Well it's not. Make your decision on the tackle and not emotion. Get well Alex."
The next day Tony was handed a three-year sentence for the one-punch attack that left his victim in hospital suffering from a brain haemorrhage and a fractured skull.
Already battling his own demons, the news of his brother's punishment destroyed the Storm's gentle giant.
"Oh my gosh, it did [destroy him]," Julie said.
"For both of the boys, each one was probably more worried about the other than themselves in the few days we were unsure what was happening with either of them. I was so worried about Jordan. That was the worst period of our lives. It was gut-wrenching."
Sunday's grand final against Cronulla will mark 30 months to the day since Jordan trudged into NRL headquarters for a judiciary under the blinding spotlight created by one of sport's true tragedies.
It will also be a year since Tony was released from Oberon Correctional Facility in country NSW.
"Well that was a long 18 months. Over the moon to be back at home with my 3 girls where I belong.. #nevergoingback #familyfirst," Tony posted on Facebook after he was released.
The former Canberra Raiders junior will be sitting among the 83,000 fans at ANZ Stadium on Sunday with more than a dozen family members from throughout Queensland and NSW.
"It'll mean the world to Jordan to look up and see us all there, especially that Tony is going to make it," Julie said.
"I'm so proud of [Jordan] and how remarkably well he handled it all. Even I was surprised just how well he got through it. To be able to come through that and get as far as he has, it's been remarkable.
"What happened, it changed him forever. But he's definitely matured an awful lot in that short period. He was still only so young, and then to be facing that was just so tough on him. For anyone it would be so hard, but dealing with the media and attention, that in itself forced him to mature to be able to deal with all of that."
Very few held Jordan responsible. Many felt sorry for him.
But knowing what McKinnon was going through, sympathy was the last thing the then 22-year-old wanted.
"I know a lot of people felt sorry for him, but it was the one thing he didn't want," Julie said.
"He never wanted people feeling sorry for him. That's the sort of kid he is. I was watching the game and I could see the moment his face changed when he realised there was something wrong.
"I wanted him to know that I knew it wasn't his fault; that it was an accident. He's pretty quiet, he's pretty reserved, so it was just a matter of letting him know that I was there for him."
While controversial Cronulla forward Andrew Fifita chose to publicly support convicted one-punch killer Kieran Loveridge, McLean's support for his brother was always behind closed doors.
His mother, having never lost faith in her son Tony despite his mistakes, says she understands why Fifita has remained loyal to his friend, but admits it shouldn't have been dragged into the public sphere.
"I think if the person was a childhood good friend of Fifita's, then by all means he should be allowed to still support and have contact with him," she said.
"But I don't think that he needs to be writing things. Support him all you like if he's been your lifelong friend, definitely. People can make huge mistakes in their lives. And if you're close to them, they need your support. But I don't think it needs to be public."
Jordan McLean is reluctant to reopen the wounds of the past, whether it be about McKinnon or his brother's crime.
The 24-year-old, raised in the NSW country town of Young with two brothers by their single mother since he was four years old, reiterates that he wishes McKinnon "all the best" with his recovery.
But when it comes to the emotions of the ordeal, he keeps that locked inside.
His skipper, Cameron Smith, who was criticised by McKinnon for what he believed were several insensitive gestures while he lay helpless on the deck, knows just how tough it's been on McLean.
"He's gone through a fair bit in his career," Smith said.
"But the club has done a fantastic job to support him through that and I think he's repaid that support this year, no doubt. He's done that in bucket loads this year with his performances. He's only a baby; I think he's 24 playing in the toughest position on the field.
"He's a tough kid, grew up in the country. He's a pretty quiet fella; keeps to himself most of the time. But he's a really great bloke to have in the club and in the team. Just no fuss, gets out there and does what he has to do for the team and played extremely well all year. He has had a breakout season. He's been in first grade for a couple of years but he hasn't really given us what we've all been waiting for. This year he has."
The North Queensland Cowboys have identified Jordan as a potential replacement for the Penrith-bound James Tamou when he comes off contract at the Storm next year.
However, in the back of his mind is the support the Storm have shown him throughout a drama-plagued career.
"There was that [McKinnon] ordeal, and there were also injuries I had in my junior footy that they could have easily got rid of me straight away," Jordan said.
"But this club has been really supportive of me."
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