'I have a great wife, three beautiful kids, a great job and still I feel lonely and empty'

As someone who chooses to live alone, is child-free and a romantic commitment-phobe, I am often asked if I get lonely. And my answer is quick and honest. "Hell yes, of course I do!" But before my questioner walks away with their assumptions validated, I always counter, "Why? Don't you?"

And here is where things get interesting because, no matter how happily married, how many kids they may have, how large their extended family, if they are honest, they will reply yes too. In other words, my friends are normal. Because if you don't get lonely in this life, I question how you are actually living it.

It appears there is a big difference between being alone and loneliness. In a national survey by Lifeline released this week, 60 per cent of the 3100 respondents said they "often feel lonely". And these were not the stereotypical singles, shut-ins and the elderly. The top three living arrangements of those surveyed were: 21.55 per cent lived with spouse or partner; 21.13 per cent lived with only a spouse or partner; and only 19.58 per cent lived alone.

As a result of the poll I did my own, calling friends to ask if they are surprised at the findings. Some answered that these stats were a relief of sorts, that they were not the only ones to feel this way, while others claimed they are surprised the rate wasn't higher. Even the most contented all claimed to feeling lonely at times.

My male friends, it must be said, were more reluctant to admit to loneliness than my female ones, which makes sense considering the alarming rate of male suicide and depression levels in this country. On average, one in eight men will have depression and one in five men will experience anxiety.

And while women are more likely to experience these illnesses, men are less likely to talk about it, resulting in their symptoms going unrecognised and untreated and, in worst cases, resulting in suicide (75 per cent of suicides in this country are men, an average of six a day).

Yet the propensity for men to show a "stiff upper lip" remains common, as my friend (we'll call) John explains. "I have a great wife, three beautiful kids, a great job and still I feel lonely and empty sometimes," he explains (hence the off-the-record name). "Feeling this way makes me guilty. I know others are worse off than me. But I just can't shake this feeling that I'm missing out on something or someone. It's crazy. There is never a dull moment in our house with kids running around and family and friends dropping in and still I can feel so alone."

Then there's a girlfriend who has just had her first and most wanted (read multiple IVF cycles) child. "I couldn't love my son more than I do but God this is hard," she says. "I feel so lonely at home it's like I'm going mad. I know I'm not depressed or have PND, I just feel isolated and out of the loop. I miss work and interacting with others. I miss being able to catch up with girlfriends at a whim. Now I have a kid I feel like I've been forgotten by everyone. It's like, 'she's OK, we don't need to worry about her, she's got a baby now and is happy'."

Yet a longtime single girlfriend of mine who, she says, most people would assume is lonely, mostly isn't. "I think in many ways I'm better off than others in that regard," she says. "I'm used to finding ways to keep myself occupied and do. I'm always out and about or have friends over so no, I wouldn't say I feel lonely as a rule. Sure, sometimes I wish I had a special someone to share my life with but I also know if it is the wrong person, I would feel a lot lonelier than I do now. I have been there. It's like when you are in a relationship, no one can or wants to hear you scream."

When I asked an elderly friend, namely an 89-year-old woman who has lived alone since her husband died some 30-odd years ago, her answer floored me. "No, I don't really feel lonely, darling," she said. "I'm used to it now and I like being on my own. Not to say I haven't felt lonely in my lifetime. I most definitely have. But just not so much these days. I think as you grow older, you come to acknowledge such things as part of life. But I see a lot of people around me here [at her retirement home] who are terribly lonely so I guess I'm lucky." (This coincides with a 2014 report by Relationships Australia which shows the peak period of loneliness are between the ages of 30-39, decreasing to the lowest levels for over 60s).

And herein lies my belief about loneliness – it is part of the human condition. We are being bombarded with ideals of happiness as a constant when that is an impossibility. Because to truly be happy, you have to be able to compare and take stock, to acknowledge the opposite.

I remember once interviewing a therapist who told me her greatest issue was getting her patients to sit with uncomfortable feelings. "Today's society is about instant fixes – I'm not happy and want to be, I'm lonely and don't want to be. These are fair enough complaints, however, often we are using such feelings to focus on what we don't have in life rather than what we do, to stop us being grateful. I like to look at these feelings as gifts in a way, opportunities for us to look deep in to ourselves."

While I would never encourage anyone to "sit with" depression or chronic anxiety (serious mental illnesses which require urgent medical intervention) I do believe that mild levels of sadness and loneliness are vital to living a full, real and empathetic life. Because those who say they are happy all the time are the ones I worry about.