God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen.

O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall.
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On thee our hopes we fix:
God save the Queen.

Thy choicest gifts in store,
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign:
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the Queen.

[Although in the original lyrics, verses 4-6 are now omitted entirely – partly to reduce the length of the anthem and partly due to the ‘rebellious Scots to crush’ line in verse six:]

Not in this land alone,
But be God’s mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world o’er.

From every latent foe,
From the assassin’s blow,
God save the Queen!
O’er her thine arm extend,
For Britain’s sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.
God save the Queen!

Three cheers and a loud huzzah! Australia’s head of state has arrived on our shores! And quite frankly, who cares if our gracious queen won’t acknowledge Melbourne’s traditional owners? (We won’t.)

Buckingham Palace [right, burning] says our noble queen will not be officially acknowledging the traditional owners of Melbourne when our victorious, happy and glorious queen opens the Commonwealth Games later this week. On Wednesday our mother, prince and friend heads to Melbourne to open the Commonwealth Games and Aboriginal groups have been calling for our gracious queen to acknowledge the Wurundjeri people who are the traditional owners of the land on which she will be standing. But a publicist for the royal tour, Sam Cohen, says our noble cabbage will only be reading a message from the Commonwealth baton in a lovely foreign accent before declaring the Games open (except to rebellious Scots).

Well, about 30 years ago a millionaire property developer called John wrote another song with the same title but a different tune and different lyrics. More on him later. In the meantime:

God save the queen
The fascist regime
It made you a moron
Potential H bomb

God save the queen
She ain’t no human being
There is no future
In England’s dreaming

Don’t be told what you want
Don’t be told what you need
There’s no future
No future
No future for you

God save the queen
We mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
Cause tourists are money
And our figurehead
Is not what she seems
Oh god save history
God save your mad parade
Lord god have mercy
All crimes are paid

When there’s no future
How can there be sin
We’re the flowers in the dustbin
We’re the poison in the human machine
We’re the future
Your future

God save the queen
We mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
She ain’t no human being
There is no future
In England’s dreaming

No future
No future
No future for you

No future
No future
No future for me

No future
No future
No future for you

No future
No future for you