The title of this article has probably shocked you. "How could you say that?" I hear you gasp. "My children will always come first. What kind of parent would put their partner before their children?"
A smart one I dare reply. Yes this is shocking and rather confronting to read. But as parents we need to hear it.
With one in three marriages ending in divorce this is a topic we NEED to address.
As a child of parents who divorced after many years of being unhappily married, I learnt one valuable lesson from their mistakes. The BEST gift you will ever give your children is the gift of a solid relationship with your partner, two parents who love and adore one another. And here's why.
Your children joined YOUR partnership not the other way around
Before sh***y diapers, years of broken sleep, screaming toddler tantrums, endless laundry and bills, there was the life BC (before children) that you shared with your partner. You most likely devoted hours every day feeding this relationship that blossomed into a deep intimacy and devotion you thought nothing could break, until you had children. Don't forget the reasons you fell in love with your partner and who they were besides from now being a father or mother. Remind yourself what activities you used to do together that used to define you as a couple. Is there any hint of who that couple used to be now?
Your relationship with your partner will be the model for which your children perceive relationships and intimacy
Children are like sponges, they learn through observing and imitating behaviours. The dynamics between two parents who have a strong and loving relationship will serve as a solid foundation for a child to learn about gender roles, intimacy, respect and healthy boundaries. A child will watch their father adore his mother and develop and internal model about how a man should treat a woman. It is powerful for a child to watch their mother have a strong sense of self within her intimate relationship with her partner and live according to her values. As parents, the way you handle conflict and stress as a couple and within the family unit serves as a powerful role model for which a child will replicate when they step into the world. Investing in your relationship with your partner will ensure both your emotional needs are met creating a strong bond as couple to handle future conflict and problem solve together as a team, with your children observing your sound efforts.
You children will one day leave the nest and you will be left alone with your partner
Yes, parents - one day the inevitable will happen. Your beautiful children will grow up and depart the nest leaving you all alone with your partner. As busy parents it is so easy to get caught up in the demands of raising our children that we have no energy to invest in the intimate relationship with our partners . Relationships are like bank accounts, you make daily deposits and withdrawals. If you're stuck in an unhealthy balance of investing every ounce of energy into the kids and investing nothing with your partner, once your kids leave home how healthy do you think that 'bank' account with your partner is going to look? Nonexistent I would say. If you don't invest daily with your partner, eventually you will be left with an empty home living with a partner who you feel you no longer know leaving you both to rebuild from square one, which in reality is very difficult if you haven't made those investments for more than a decade.
"How can I invest in my husband when we're both so exhausted from the never ending demands of raising a family?"
Life is a balance, we are all busy juggling multiple demands at once. I hear your frustration when you say you have no energy left for your partner. But let me challenge you. If you noticed you were driving your car one day and it was running low on petrol would you keep driving for days or would you pull over and fill it up? I'm guessing you'd make a stop at the servo, no matter how tired or busy you were because you know the consequences are you'll break down somewhere on the side of the road with no petrol. That becomes a non-negotiable priority for you.
Unfortunately, it's harder to see the supplies of our relationships are dwindling on nothing and we can live in denial and hope we don't 'crash and burn'. Until we make our relationship a priority, we are skating on thin ice.
Here are some tips you can implement everyday that won't take long that will make tiny investments between you and your partner so you can start reigniting the spark you once shared:
- Schedule in 10 minutes every night as an appointment in your iPhone to talk and reconnect.
- Make some form of intimate contact every day whether its hugging, holding hands or caressing.
- Save up for a date night once a month.
- Write each other small notes of gratitude daily thanking each other for their hard work.
- Listen to one another without casting blame and using positive language.
- Engage in activities you used to enjoy before children, this might be cooking together or watching your favourite movies once the kids are in bed.
It's never too late to start making small investments in your relationship that will reap large rewards for you as a couple and your family as a whole.
This article originally appeared in the The Huffington Post Australia.
Lori Lim is a Sydney based women's holistic counsellor, kinesiologist and mother. You can follow her on at the Motherhood & Me Facebook page.