Everyone fails sometimes. However, some of us are much harder on ourselves than others when we don't live up to expectations. This is counterproductive, because harsh self-criticism teaches you nothing about how to do better next time, and lowers self-esteem. It's important, therefore, for harsh self-critics to learn to soften their approach.
To help, we need to find out why the self-critical respond so catastrophically to perceived failure. That's just what a group of researchers in Canada, Germany and the US set out to do. They asked 161 young adults to fill in questionnaires to determine their attitude toward self-compassion, and to identify the personal values - for example, prosperity, fairness and success - they considered most important.
![How can you stop being so hard on yourself.](/web/20160919162702im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/p/y/j/r/w/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gpyjmx.png/1467683466117.jpg)
Next, they were asked to imagine two scenarios in which they failed at a task. In one, they had to imagine reacting by being highly self-critical, and in the other to imagine responding with kindness and self-compassion. They were then asked to rate how they felt after those two scenarios.
The results indicated widespread agreement on self-compassion. Everyone felt it was good for personal wellbeing - and they're right. Research has shown repeatedly that high levels of self-compassion are associated with greater happiness and stronger resilience.
Those who regarded themselves as highly self-critical said that if they were kind to themselves, they feared becoming less competitive, less motivated, less conscientious and more self-indulgent.
The keys, it appears, are first, the fear that self-compassion will lead to lower achievement; and second, that high achievement is more important than self-care.
A number of therapeutic approaches have been introduced to help clients become kinder to themselves - in particular, Compassion Focused Therapy. However, even this approach doesn't always help. It seems that simply learning to be more self-compassionate isn't enough. Those prone to self-criticism need to become aware of the difference between what they're realistically capable of achieving and what they expect to achieve. The aim, according to Carl Rogers, who introduced client-centred therapy in the Fifties, is to decrease the gap between "self" (who I am) and "ideal self" (how I wish to be).
In addition, self-critical individuals could try the "best friend test" when they've under- performed. Instead of applying their harsh personal standards, they could try responding to themselves as they would to their best friend if that friend had just failed.
After all, most of us treat our friends more generously and realistically than we treat ourselves.
The Telegraph, London