There's a soundtrack to tragedy.
A vibration that resonates, before reason and knowledge, a quivering harbinger that something, somehow, is wrong. For Julian Leeser, it was the sound of his mother's footsteps coming down the hall.
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'Dad's gone': MP's emotional maiden speech
Julian Leeser, Member for Berowra, recounted the suicide of his father in his first speech to parliament.
The usually measured, steady rhythm of Sylvia's passage towards his door had gently coaxed the new Member for Berowra from his slumber for as long as he could remember.
But there was something about the pace, something about the disjointed tempo that day two decades ago, which shook 20-year-old Julian Leeser from the last vestiges of his childhood before his mother even threw open his door.
"Seared on my mind from that night was the speed of her approach and her scream as she flung open the door of my bedroom, sobbing: 'Dad's gone, Dad's gone'," Mr Leeser recounted.
"I got up from my bed to comfort my mum, trying to calm her. I went down the hall to my father's office, where he worked late into the night for his clients.
"There I found his pyjamas in a pile and on the glass-topped table in the hall, was a note, like so many of the notes from my father, written in red pen on the back of a used envelope.
"It said, simply: 'I am sorry Sylvia. I just can't cope, love, John'."
![Julian Leeser delivers his first speech at Parliament House on Wednesday.](/web/20160916115244im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/g/g/d/9/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grg1gh.png/1473921114366.jpg)
Sharing such an intimately personal story is notable, no matter the forum. By disclosing it as part of a maiden speech to Parliament, to be recorded as part of the nation's historic tapestry, Mr Leeser said he hoped to spark a wider conversation, leading to change.
He knows the thoughts which follow tragedy. They began as he stood on his veranda and watched the sun coming up the day they knew his dad was never coming home.
![Mr Leeser is congratulated by other MPs after delivering his first speech.](/web/20160916115244im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/g/g/z/k/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grg1gh.png/1473921114366.jpg)
And they have continued over the past 20 years as he rehashed that final week and those longer hugs. The slight changes in attitude which saw a man who had always prided himself on how he parked his car, suddenly no longer caring how he left his vehicle. The regrets over requests turned down, the moments not taken.
"You ask yourself: 'What could I have done? What should I have said? Could I have reached out in a way that I didn't'? Could I have said, as we say now: 'Are you OK?'," he said.
![A younger Mr Lesser, pictured at the Macquarie lighthouse, lost his father to suicide when he was 20 years old.](/web/20160916115244im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/g/g/i/h/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grg1gh.png/1473921114366.jpg)
Mr Leeser knows those thoughts.
Just as he now knows more than 100 families in his electorate have shared them over the last eight years.
"Suicide, they used to say, is a victimless crime, but they never count the loved ones left behind," he said.
"…In these past 20 years, we have spent millions on mental health and suicide prevention. Every government has tried, but despite all the goodwill, it is a fight we are losing.
"…All this shows that government money will not solve this epidemic. Treating depression as a medical issue, is not working. Rather, we need to rebuild caring communities where people know and notice the signs and acknowledge the people around them.
"Where we ask: 'Are you OK,' or more directly: 'Are you contemplating suicide?' – and we need to create the conditions where those who are thinking about suicide feel comfortable enough to ask for help."
And for that, he told the House, he wanted his time in Parliament to help "pierce the loneliness, the desperation and the blackness that people who suffer depression feel", to advocate for better mental health policy.
"It is easy to say that human connections matter, but much more difficult for people who are marginalised or ill to form those relationships," he said.
"There is a role for government in supporting organisations and individuals that reach out to the socially isolated in our community, even in the face of continued rejection.
"And there is a role for government in fostering innovative solutions to suicide prevention, depression and mental health – enabling communities to learn from what has worked for others and connecting those efforts across our country."
In a house divided, the sound of furious compassion and agreement, was deafening.
Readers seeking support and information about suicide prevention can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
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