Ask Alanis Morissette: I worry about my grandchildren’s diet

We raised our daughters on healthy food and made sure they had a nourishing meal each night. It’s with a feeling of despair that I see them take the easy way out with their own children’s diet: fish fingers more nights than not, and lots of processed foods. I worry my grandchildren will develop health issues. I have a good relationship with my daughters and don’t want to spoil it. What can I do?
First, I want to acknowledge how moving it is to see you care about your grandchildren’s bodies and their futures. The challenge is how to bring this up in a way that respects your daughters. As you seem to know, it is up to them to decide how they feed or raise their children.

Having been on the receiving end of a lot of unsolicited advice about parenting, and having felt frustration (and, occasionally, gratitude), I assure you that proceeding with tenderness, respect and caution is a great way to go. I would start by asking your daughters (separately) if they are up for a conversation about something that feels important to you. Mention that on some level it is your business – they are your grandchildren, after all – yet on another level it is none of your business, because these kids are their children. This is more likely to go down well than saying: “I have some advice for you.”

I would simply say: “This might not be my business, but you know how much I love your kids and how much I love you. And I just want to share how I feel with you, whether you respond to it or not.” This establishes that you are passionate, but have enough humility and respect to know you can’t control these choices. I would then continue: “I’ve done some research into how important healthy food is, and because I care about them and you so much, I just want to support you in providing those foods whenever it is possible, circumstantially or financially.” You could also offer to help: would you be willing to do a food shop for them once a week, or even cook?

After this, I would let go. If your daughters are going to accept your support, they will do so on their own terms. If they resist it or even resent it, there is nothing you can do. I wish you well.

• This is my last column – I’m taking a break to have a baby and focus on being a mother. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and challenges with me. I have been deeply moved by your bravery and willingness to ask tough questions, and I will miss you.