Should I contact my abusive stepfather? He wasn’t all bad

A year ago, my mother finally found the courage to leave my abusive stepfather. I won’t go into the type of abuse here, only to say that although it wasn’t physical or sexual, it meant my brother and I were often terrified of him as children. Although he has written us birthday cards and tried to make contact, we have effectively “ghosted” him. However, my much younger half-sister (my stepfather’s and mother’s daughter) still sees him. She has told me that he is devastated, drinking too much, has tremors and has aged overnight. He misses my brother’s children – his grandchildren - so much.

I’ve always suspected he has a personality disorder and undiagnosed mental health issues and, although I hate what he did to us, I don’t want him to suffer, as there is a good side to him, too. I do not want to enter into a superficial relationship with him, where I only send cards or photos, and I find that even thinking about him or receiving his cards can plunge me into anxiety for days. Should I write him a letter? It would potentially be a very harsh one.

• When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Private Lives asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments that appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

• If you would like fellow readers to respond to a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of about 150 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns.

• All correspondence should reach us by Wednesday morning. Email: private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).