For 40 years, certain space cadets have insisted the moon landing was faked.
They say it was shot on a Hollywood sound stage, so Washington could finally claim a win over the Soviets and get people's minds off Vietnam.
That kind of clear thinking has given us other theories, such as:
George W. Bush ordered jetliners flown into the World Trade Center so he could attack Iraq.
Paul McCartney died in 1966 and, presumably, a lookalike sang Band on the Run and bedded Heather Mills.
J. Edgar Hoover and Lyndon Johnson killed JFK.
Jet vapour trails are the feds' way of spraying us with mind-altering chemicals.
Toronto has a hockey team.
As for the moon, naysayers believe the technology of 1969 simply wasn't up to a landing. Or, at least, a mock one was a helluva lot quicker and cheaper.
They must have shouted "told you so!" when NASA reported this week that -- oopsy! -- it had somehow erased its original Apollo 11 video.
Hollywood technicians -- aha! -- have saved the day by enhancing copies borrowed from around the world.
"There's nothing being created; there's nothing being manufactured," said NASA senior engineer Dick Nafzger, a bit defensively.
The conspiracy fans snorted: Sure, buddy.
I used to think they just spent way too much time in their mother's basement.
But no longer.
DOCUMENTED PROOF
On the eve of tomorrow's 40th anniversary of the alleged lunar landing, I have stumbled on stunning, documented proof that the wingnuts are right.
Here's an excerpt I am convinced is from the true transcript of what actually transpired at so-called Tranquility Base, on July 20, 1969. We begin 109 hours and 21 minutes into the supposed space mission.
21:18 Neil Armstrong: Houston, this is Neil. Radio check.
21:23 Houston: Loud and clear. Like you're in the next room. (Snickers.) Oh, wait. Hold on, Neil. There's another f------ plane out of LAX. (Shouts) Somebody please shut that window!
21:46 Mission Control: Sorry, Neil, try again. Take 14!
21:55 Buzz Aldrin: He's gone out for a pee, Houston. Hey, can I do the first step this time?
22:05 MC: Another pee? Good grief, Buzz, we're paying you guys by the hour.
22:14 Aldrin: Well, he's nervous. I mean, we've been cooped up in this damn capsule thingy all morning and it's a bad trip in here, man. It's hot as hell and he just had to ...
22:22 Armstrong: Okay, sorry, fellas, I'm back. Shall I take it from the top?
22:29 MC: (Sighs). Whenever you're ready, Neil. (Shouts into distance). Okay, roll 'em.
22:35 Armstrong: (Clears throat). Houston, we have a problem.
22:38 MC: Cut! Cut! Dammit, Neil. Wrong script! That's Apollo 13.
22:54 Aldrin: We in that one, too? I could use the extra bread.
BARBECUE SAUCE
23:01 MC: Not a chance. The guild would bitch about the overtime. Besides, you don't want it. It's kind of a downer. We're giving the lead to Lovell. Oh, and Buzz, before I forget, your wife called. Pick up some barbecue sauce. The von Brauns are coming over for burgers tonight.
23:12 Aldrin: What a bummer, man. That Wernher von Braun, he eats me out of house and home.
23:14 (Long silence, except for coughing, humming, flipping of pages.)
23:42 Armstrong: Okay, Houston, I've found the right place. Here goes.
23:47 MC: Camera! Get that cleaning lady out of the frame! Action!
23:50 Armstrong: Okay, Houston, I'm on the porch.
23:55 MC: We copy, Neil.
23:59 Aldrin: Okay, about ready to go down and get some moon rock?
24:06 Armstrong: How's the picture, Houston?
24:11 MC: (Shouts) Camera 3, you getting this? (Muffled reply in background.) Sharp as a tack, Neil. We can see you coming down the ladder.
24:27 Armstrong: Roger that. Uh, oh, the first rung is collapsed a little. (Sound of grinding metal.) But I guess it's safe enough. Just don't tell the union.
24:34 MC: We'll fix 'er during lunch, Neil.
24:39 Armstrong: I'm at the foot of the ladder. I'm going to step off now ...
24:45 MC: Okay, sound man, cue drum roll.
24:48 Armstrong: That's one small step for man...oh, shoot! ... a man. For a man. Sorry, Houston.
24:59 MC: Cut! Okay, everyone, break for lunch! Back in an hour. We'll get this right yet.