Getting to the pointy end of the season now. Episode 7 welcomed back the Westerosi smash brothers; the boys Clegane. We had Jaime at his diplomatic best, and Arya Stark gets her groove back.
First up, Arya has somehow ambled to that kind actress’ wardrobe, stomach leaking blood and all.
It’s not pretty, but turns out alongside being Braavos’ hot ticket actress, she’s also really good at patching up stabbed tummies, having had ample practice on old dodgy lovers. What a well-rounded life she has lived. Arya seems on the mend, having a milk of the poppy induced sleep to get the healing juices flowing.
Lumbering into scene two, we have a few profane soldiers teaching each other how to kiss. Their technique is more foul great uncle than Breakfast Club romeo – but thankfully for the prudish amongst us – The Hound, strolls in with his axe and brutally kills them all.
The last bloke copping the worst of it, an axe in the groin, followed by a torrent of blood and everything else spilling from the wound. Jesus Christ Sandor, I just opened that pack of TimTam’s and now they’re going back in the fridge.
Next up, Tyrion is pretty happy with himself, as normal life seems to be resuming in the turbulent city. He’s walking Varys to the docks, where Varys is leaving for Westeros to win some allies. Our boozy, foul mouthed and whip smart duo have been separated, for now.
Back to Westeros, we’re in the Red Keep as Lancel Lannister, member of the Faith Militant, has entered with a few fellow religious nut jobs. He’s got orders to take his cousin and former lover, Cersei, to see the High Sparrow.
Good luck with that chief, she’s got the other Clegane brother in her corner, the recently zombified Gregor. The last time we saw Gregor deal with a human head, he dispatch it the easy way, you remember yeah? Crushing it with his bare hands. In this scene he shows his head-dispatching versatility.
When a member of the Faith Militant advances to take on Gregor, he happily takes an axe to the chest, then grabbing the guys head by the chin, literally rips it straight off, taking a fair chunk of spine with it. And again, Jesus Fucking Christ Gregor.
Welcome back to form, but we’re ten minutes in and already my subconscious is pre-planning multiple nightmares.
Up north at the besieged Riverrun, Brienne and Podric have arrived to have a bit of a chinwag with Jaime Lannister.
Pod and Bron have a little friendly banter, and Brienne and Jaime a serious discussion. Shame which one you can guess they chose to focus on. Brienne is still Captain Boring/Honourable.
She wants Jaime to settle things with Blackfish, then allow Blackfish to march his Tully forces north to assist Sansa against the Boltons.
Jaime strikes many a handsome pose, but gives little away. He allows Brienne to go speak with Blackfish.
And so she does, wherein Blackfish tells her #soznotsoz, siege on. So there you go.
Next a quick trip back to Kings Landing, where Cersei is fuming after she isn’t told about a royal decree announcement, and when she moves to stand beside her son, she’s told to go stand with the other ladies of the court.
Fellow members of the ‘Life Ban from the club Revolver’ group will know the feeling.
The royal decree outlines the date for his mother’s trial, and also bans the trial by combat option that Cersei was no doubt going to use, having the undead Mountain in her corner.
Over in Meeren, Tyrion is prying jokes from Doreah and Greyworm. It isn’t going so well and my politically correct Melbourne sensibilities were offended by the tasteless depictions of all Southerners, Northerners and Translators.
Then we see a vast fleet of ships owned by the old masters arrive unopposed, attacking the city with flaming catapults. So clap for Tyrion, he’s in hot water.
The next scene is rather sad as Gormless Edmure Tully is convinced by Jamie Lannister to betray the Tully rebellion, on the threat of death to his son.
He enters the castle and the men decide to take orders from him, not Blackfish, as he is technically rightful Lord of Riverrun.
He lowers the bridge, Lannister and Frey men march in, and after quickly seeing off Brienne and Pod in a secret exit from the castle (I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING), Blackfish goes off to fight the Lannister forces alone. We’re told he died swinging.
Back in Meeren again, and shit’s truly going pear shaped for the defenders. Greyworm decides that all forces will be used to defend the great pyramid. But then Daenerys and more importantly the dragon Drogon arrive, in what I assume will save the day, but I guess we’ll see for sure next episode.
We’re back with the Hound. He’s tracked down the last of the group that killed his friends. But they’re about to be hung by Beric Dondarrion- the bloke who keeps dying, then being brought back by the Lord of Light. Turns out those men were in his rebel group, and as punishment he’s about to hang them.
The Hound, showing some negotiating flare worthy of Donald Trump, talks Beric into allowing him to kill two of the three murderous skallywags. Beric allows it, but demands they be hanged, and scowling, the Hound complies.
Finally, back to Arya, she awakes, and that nice actress is killed by a servant of the Faceless God anyway. Serves Arya right for trying to help.
The girl from the temple is there too. And she begins to chase Arya. It’s a prolonged chase, akin to a parkour long distance race where the loser is to be killed.
The girl finally corners Arya in a dark hovel, but Arya pulls forth her sword ‘Needle’, turns off the light, and does what comes natural to our favourite little killing machine.
Cut to the temple of the Faceless God, Jaqen H’ghar follows a trail of blood to the room full of dead faces (interior designers take note). Arya has put up the girl’s blood spattered face, and removed her eyes for decorative flair. H’ghar then tells her she is now truly a girl with no name, but she declares she is Arya Stark, and she’s going home. BOOM! And off she pops.
And we’re done! Two more episodes to go! And they’re always the best ones, so yay!
Tune in next week as Walder Frey dies and is treated to some Weekend at Bernie’s style shenanigans and Vary’s discovers he’s actually Optimus Prime.
Words by William Henderson.
Header via HBO.
