Do you want your child to fail or succeed? The simple answer is probably: "Of course I want my child to succeed!"
But what if I said it might actually be much better if our children fail?
Let me explain. There's a term called "fixed versus growth" mindsets; these have a significant impact on the way children learn and their levels of achievement.
Carol Dweck is the world-leading expert on fixed versus growth mindsets. She studied what happens when children are faced with big challenges, finding that some children embrace the challenge while other children crumble.
What differentiates the children who thrive versus those who give up? It has nothing to do with the child's ability or their smarts or their knowledge. It's their mindset.
Those children with a "fixed" mindset are more likely to give up. They say to themselves "I'll never be smarter than I am right now, and I don't want to fail. I don't want to look dumb." Children with a fixed mindset are scared of failure, so they stop trying.
In contrast, children with a "growth" mindset are much more likely to achieve and succeed because even if they face a difficult hurdle, they keep trying. They say to themselves, "I can get better through trying and learning." Children with a growth mindset make mistakes along the way, but they persist.
In Dweck's best-selling book, Mindset: How you can fulfil your potential, she explains that parents can help their children to develop a "growth" rather than a "fixed" mindset by supporting their children to give things a go, and enjoy learning as a process rather than praising children for being smart.
But it seems there's more to teaching our children a growth mindset than simply focusing on effort rather than ability.
New research with parents and children found that what also makes a big difference to children's fixed or growth mindsets is how we, as parents, react to our children's struggles or setbacks.
So whether our children have a fixed or growth mindset is not necessarily related to whether we have a fixed or growth mindset ourselves. What does have an impact is our approach to failure.
Why? It seems that children aren't great at identifying if their parents have a fixed or growth mindset. It's not obvious to them. But what children do pick up on is whether their parents have a negative or a positive view about failure.
The research showed that parents can either view failure as undesirable or as constructive. The parents' view of failure then impacts on their parenting, which effects their child's mindset. This is how it works:
When parents view failure as negative or bad:
- they tend to worry about their child's ability
- they try to over-comfort their child about their ability
- they suggest that ability doesn't really matter.
Leads to child's mindset:
- the child is more likely to have a fixed mindset
- the child tends to give up and give in.
But when parents view failure as constructive or good:
- they encourage their child to see making mistakes as a learning process
- they encourage their child to keep trying
- they encourage their child to seek extra help
Leads to child's mindset:
- the child is more likely to have a growth mindset
- the child tends to persist and stays motivated to keep learning.
It may not be obvious to your child whether you believe that mistakes are okay. But they will notice how you react to their failures.
So how do you react when your children make mistakes? Do you worry unnecessarily or play it down too much?
Or do you see it as a chance to have a conversation about how everyone can learn from their mistakes and support them to keep trying? That's when failure leads to success.
Jodie Benveniste is a psychologist, parenting author and intuitive parenting specialist. You can get your free gift 'The Intuitive Parenting Blueprint' at jodiebenveniste.com.