Milk
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Kitchen gadgets review: Milk Maker – go nuts with this non-dairy ‘mylk’ machine

Coconuts, soya beans, almonds – this high-powered blender will pulverise and pasteurise all of the above (and more) to create ‘alternative milk’. Just don’t forget your nut bag

Rhik Samadder tests out The Milk Maker, £72.99 for his G2 Inspect a gadget column, July 2016
Rhik Samadder’s sieve is overwhelmed by almond meal while testing the Milk Maker. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

What?

The Milk Maker (hoppsandwoolf.com, £72.99) has a motored blade in steel a chamber, and a heating element. It pulverises and pasteurises nuts and water to emulsion.

Why?

Because I have no clue how you milk an oat. How hard are people squeezing their nuts, exactly?

Well?

We need to talk about milk alternatives (God knows, I wish we didn’t). Healthy stuff derived from soya beans, rice, coconut, owl pellets, packing chips, old Blu-Tack etc has been around for years – dairy-swerving options for vampiric executives or stringy hippies drying out in Goa. But now it’s the de facto choice of a younger, clean-eating crowd. Marketing-wise, there are cunning linguistics at play, too. “Milk alternative”, like milk substitute, sounds prosaic, limiting, second best; the new vogue is for “alternative milk”, suggesting a cooler, more rebellious aspect. Picture this drink in winged eyeliner and a heavy fringe, wearing an ironic “milk monitor” badge while Snapchatting. And it wants you to call it “mylk” now, FYI.

Rhik Samadder tests Milk Maker
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‘It makes me want to play tennis’ … Rhik enjoys his steaming bounty of puritan juice. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

But let’s leave all that aside and try the Milk Maker by Hopps & Woolf. It’s a high-powered blender that grinds raw ingredients and water into a paste, heating the mixture to pasteurise it. Some problems: first I need nuts – and not ones jimmied out of a Snickers or bag of KP. No matter how loudly Mr T shouts, it’s actually quite difficult to get some nuts. My part of town isn’t dripping with soya beans. Fresh walnuts are available only in October. (That children’s song about gathering nuts in May? Typical BS.) For optimal creaminess, you should soak your nuts overnight – a monumental pain in the beans for anyone aspirational but unorganised.

Eventually I throw in soaked almonds, cinnamon and honey. With one button, the machine begins, emitting more heat than a Venusian sauna and an odd, screeching grind. In 20 minutes, it yields a steaming bounty of puritan juice. The included sieve is quickly overwhelmed by almond meal – invest in a nut bag (what? That’s what they’re called!) for smoothest-sippin’ mylk. But I’m highly impressed with the fresh taste. Naturally sweet, nutritious – it makes me want to play tennis. Does this make me a clean eater? I actually ended up on the sofa, guzzling a huge chocolate mylkshake, so let’s not go nuts.

Redeeming features?

Coconut, cashew, soya bean – you can use any nuts you like. I liked – yes! – doughnuts best.

Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?

Counter. Alternatively, under a goth cow (black on black spots, nose ring). 4/5