Suicidal ideation

Depression/Suicidal Thoughts

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• published: 04 Nov 2016
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Depression I've been asked to describe what depression is like. Honestly, it feels like you are drowning except that you can see everyone around you is still breathing. It is like living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. I know that from the outside looking in, it is hard to understand. But equally, from the inside looking out, it is hard to explain. Nevertheless I will try to, for awareness only not sympathies. I do feel exhausted most days because I am fighting a war inside my head every single day and feels like I'm losing the battle most of the time. You know what's even more exhausting than that? Is pretending that you are not depressed. So since acknowledging that I am depressed, this has allowed me to access the correct services to support me. I feel like everyone else is moving forward with their lives and I'm stuck in this hole, with no way out. No end to this blackness of emptiness. I felt like I was a massive burden on everyone and I am better off dead. I am carrying a burden which is too heavy to carry on my own. I can't explain how depressing it is to be blessed with everything and still feel THIS sad. It's not the feeling of completeness that I'm looking for, but the feeling of not being empty. I feel like I'm here but I'm not. That I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here. Sometimes I get so sad that I completely shut down and stare blankly at a wall. At that point it really doesn't matter what you say to me because I don't exist anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I feel like I have lost something and I don't know when or what this is. Now I realised what I have lost is myself which is a shame because I was such a young happy person. The phrase most people would use is 'what a waste.' Unfortunately it isn't something you can one day just wake up and say 'I'm gonna be happy',. Believe me, I've tried. So if you know someone who is depressed, please never ask why. Depression isn't a straight forward response to a bad situation; Depression just is, like the weather. People generally don't like to talk about their depression or anxiety because unfortunately we live in a world where people will think we are attention seeking. Believe me, we are not. I spent 3 months in bed swatting all my loved ones away because I couldn't deal with the news of Mojgan's death. Even when I came out to the outside world, I felt for certain that I didn't want to be a part of this cruel mean world. We don't want to appear clingy or bothering people, but at the same time we just want to talk in the hope it will go away. Mostly, we want to talk about how to save ourselves but don't know how to without sounding mad. As Stephen Fry advised; Try to understand the blackness, the lethargy, the hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It's hard to be friends with someone who is depressed but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do. Never tell them to snap out of it, or tell them it's all in their head because believe me, if they could they would. It is them that is going through hell, not you. Always remind them that they are important, they are not alone and most of all, they are not mad. I know this is a massive 'taboo' in our society, but honestly at this point in my life nothing is more important than your mental wellbeing. I am not ashamed of my depression because I hope my story will inspire people to reach out, raise awareness and to seek help for their loved ones. Please never give up on someone with a mental illness. When 'I' is replaced with 'We', Illness becomes Wellness ☺️