Ten other things Pauline Hanson should call for a royal commission into
(SATIRE) In the spirit of Royal Commissions into ‘things that scare us a little because we don’t understand them’, here are 10 other things that Ms Hanson should use more taxpayer money to investigate.
Bunnings announces takeover bid for polling booths to regain control of sausage sizzle market
(SATIRE) Bunnings once controlled 80% of the sausage-sizzle market (SSM), but figures today showed its share had fallen below 10% as consumers flocked to competitor SS operators at polling booths.
Turnbull campaigns on stability: "We haven't knifed a leader for 9 months"
(SATIRE) Responding to the recent turmoil in Europe, Malcolm Turnbull has added ‘stability’ to his party’s core message of ‘jobs and growth’, reminding voters that his party has gone almost a year now without changing leaders.
Britain’s ‘Leave’ voters cleverly deter migrants by destroying economy
Migration laws will no longer need to change under an independent Britain, because no-one will want to go there to work anyway.
Process to find two most despised people in US finally complete
The Shovel After almost four months of vetting and voting, Americans have successfully narrowed down their entire population to the two citizens they like least.
Bill Shorten to scrap entire GST system to avoid having to talk about tampons
The Shovel Australia will not have a goods and services tax if a Labor Government is elected, following Bill Shorten's pledge to dismantle the system in its entirety today.
Jarryd Hayne to take Nick Kyrgios’s spot to pursue dream of playing Olympic tennis
The Shovel Former NRL, NFL and Fijian 7s star Jarryd Hayne has jumped at the opportunity to fill Nick Kyrgios's spot on the Australian Olympic tennis team, saying it was a chance to pursue his lifelong dream.
We're just abiding by the rules, say only people with power to change rules
Getting paid $270 to stay in your own house, without any of the tax implications that apply to other people, is just a quirk of the system, say a group of people who are uniquely placed to change the system.
New high speed rail will run between Sydney and Melbourne once every election year
The Shovel SATIRE: The Prime Minister has announced a new high speed rail policy that will connect the country’s two largest cities once every three years.
Donald Trump vows to stop birds migrating to America next summer
SATIRE: “Under President Obama, birds have been pouring across our borders unabated. Just look out your window and you’ll see them. All sorts of birds."
This morning’s coffee to sell for between $1 and $1.20, barista tells real estate agent
SATIRE: The coffee – which eventually changed hands for $3.80 – went well above the quoted price, but was a reflection of market conditions, the café’s owner said.
Nation's dogs frantically rush to get papers in order
The Shovel SATIRE: Dogs around the country have checked and re-checked their registration and vaccination details after notorious dog-hater Barnaby Joyce was announced as the second-most powerful person in the country.
New police wine unit announced for Sydney
SATIRE: NSW Premier Mike Baird has announced the formation of special taskforce to crack down on the growing number of wines being enjoyed by the glass.
SATIRE
Palin brings much-needed intellectual rigour to Trump campaign
The Shovel Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin came out in support of Donald Trump today, a move which some experts say is designed to give The Apprentice star's campaign a more level-headed, articulate, and intelligent edge.
Draconian New Gun Laws Require Americans To Count To 10 Before Buying Firearms
The Shovel (SATIRE) “It seems Obama is desperately trying to link guns to shootings in some elaborate way. That’s a very, very long bow, my friend. A very long bow,” a Republican spokesperson said.
Landlord arrives to do inspection
The Shovel Satire: Australians were madly rushing to clear up empty beer bottles and stray bongs this morning after the landlord announced a last-minute rental inspection.
Europe deeply regrets not closing border before Abbott arrived
The Shovel SATIRE: Europe admits keeping its border open this week has been a ‘catastrophic error’.
Vaping sausages may be safer, World Health Organisation says
The Shovel “You’re going to see more and more people enjoying an e-bacon on a Sunday morning,” a spokesperson said.
SATIRE
Racists Forced To Buy Southern Cross Singlets Elsewhere
The Shovel Australia's racists will be forced to look further afield for their paraphernalia, after they were left with no choice but to boycott retailer David Jones.
SATIRE
Water on Mars: Australia to check for illegal boats
The Shovel Australia will send a mission to Mars as soon as possible to check for irregular maritime vessels, following a report from NASA that there may be flowing water on the planet.
Satire
Australian women left directionless after Minister for Women loses job
The Shovel Australian's women are desperate for guidance and uncertain of their future today, after the nation's highest female representative, Tony Abbott, was forced to stand down.
Satire
Eyebrows raised as Dyson Heydon wears Liberal Party cap to royal commission
The Shovel Royal Commissioner Dyson Heydon has apologised for wearing a Liberal Party cap to the royal commission into union corruption this morning, saying he 'didn't realise' the cap had the Liberal Party logo emblazoned on its front.
English guy at work about to become unbearable
The Shovel SATIRE: According to sources, your English colleague will think it's hilarious when he asks you whether you watched the cricket last night.
SATIRE
Bill Shorten failed to disclose he was Opposition Leader, Royal Commission finds
The Shovel (SATIRE) Labor figure Bill Shorten is Australia’s Opposition Leader, the Royal Commission into trade unions has uncovered.
SATIRE
Australia will run out of flags by 2020 at current consumption rates, modelling shows
The Shovel SATIRE: The Federal government today announced a $2.2 billion boost in funding for the flag industry, after analysis revealed Australia could run out of flags entirely within five years if consumption continues at its current rate.
SATIRE
Q&A; to just be Tony Abbott answering his own questions
The Shovel SATIRE: The ABC’s flagship political discussion program Q&A; will now just be Tony Abbott standing in a row of empty audience seats asking questions, before running back to the stage to answer them.
SATIRE
Joe Hockey's six tips for first home buyers
The Shovel By following these six easy strategies – provided exclusively by Treasurer Joe Hockey – you'll be in your very own four-bedroom North Shore home in no time.
SATIRE
Gillian Triggs accused of human rights
The Shovel Human Rights Commissioner Gillian Triggs has been looking out for the welfare of others, it has been alleged.
SATIRE
You won’t believe where Peta Credlin's been hiding
The Shovel Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been carrying his Chief Of Staff around in a box, it has been revealed.
