Of men and marriage: debate rages on relationship rescue

'Strong and silent' has long been both role and refuge for men, but debates raging online show a growing conviction that it spells doom for even the most robust marriage.

Thousands of Australians have now responded to a Perth lifestyle blogger's post about male friends being left bewildered and heartbroken after their wives walked out – seemingly without notice.

"I recently just split up with my partner and I'd say it went exactly like this," wrote one woman. 

"My marriage has just ended and can 100 per cent relate to this," said another.

"I'm unfortunately a stat too now," a man posted.

"This all happened to me and my marriage fell apart a few years back ... I had no idea or understanding of what was happening to me," said yet another.

The probability a marriage will end in divorce has increased over time and passed 33 per cent in 2002, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics.

While mutual divorce applications have increased, single initiators are still mostly women.

One online commenter, Adam Ross, told WAtoday the discovery his marriage was rocky came from 'left field'.

He and his wife of seven years had never argued and he thought everything was fine. But one night earlier this year, they returned from a friend's engagement party and things 'hit the fan'.

"My wife said to me, I can't relate to you, I don't love you any more, I don't want to be with you," he said.

"She moved her stuff into the spare room.

"It was harrowing."

The couple conducted their next conversations in writing. He wrote her a long letter and left it on her pillow. She wrote an even longer one back, telling him that for the past 18 months, she'd felt as though she had been living with a stranger.

The father of two young children said his high-pressure job had left him 'wound up' but he thought the best way to handle stress was not to bring it home.

"While I spent time thinking about work I was neglecting my family ... drinking more than normal, in my own world, not realising it was transferring. Being a manly man, I didn't think I needed any help.

"I had a massive falling out with a close bunch of friends and when it all blew up at home I was left with no friends and a wife on the verge of leaving."

As the dust settled, each went to a counsellor. 

"In my sessions they said I wasn't really listening to her. I would fob things off when she was trying to talk to me about pressure and stress she was feeling," he said.

"She was also told to communicate better.

"So we started to talk every night once the kids were in bed.

"I told her I would not walk away, but fight my way back to what we once had."

Mr Ross was now "a hell of a lot more aware" of showing his love through physical and other gestures. 

"I realised I had not been doing much in the household so I now do a lot more cleaning and looking after kids and making sure they have lunches for day care, whereas before it didn't cross my mind," he said.

"That's brought me closer to my kids as well.

"I've also mended bridges with friends ... admitted I was in a bad place. It's hard for men. We are meant to be hunters, protectors. To get in touch with this stuff and admit mistakes is difficult."

Sexologist and couples counsellor Amanda Lambros, from Curtin University's School of Occupational Therapy and Social Work, said relationships had changed over the decades. 

"Women are now in completely different roles than they were in the 1950s. Then, they were cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids and making sure there was dinner on the table," she said.

"Now, families find it hard to get by on a single income. Women are working ... but there is still the expectation they will fulfil traditional roles.

"They feel like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They can't ask for help and men, while willing to help, don't read the body language or hear the hints.

"Everything gets swept under the carpet and resentment begins to build. Then finally, an eruption.

Sexologist and relationships expert Amanda Lambros says a weekly 'traffic light conversation' is a good start to keep a marriage healthy. Photo: Cooper Studio

"The husband has not seen it coming, while she thinks she has given him every opportunity."

Ms Lambros said communication was a challenge for homosexual couples as well, though she found gay men were often more open to talking about issues than lesbian couples.  

Many waited a good 18 months to get help and when they sought it, already had "one foot out the door".

People were not taught how to talk constructively, and were consequently bad at it.

"They are all 'you, you, you'. They say, 'you never do this'. They need to learn how to turn language around, to say, 'I'm feeling like this'," she said.

While sometimes they were temporarily enthused by a workshop or a book on the subject, good intentions dissolved quickly.

She recommended people focus more on flexibility and compassion than what their "role" was, be willing both to ask for help and to give it, and to make time for relationship maintenance as they would a car service or haircut.

She said people often reminisced about the early days in their relationship, and she would tell them to recreate those dates - without the kids. 

"They say babysitters are expensive. I tell them divorce is even more expensive."

She recommended the 'traffic light' conversation – to talk about what's going well and should continue (green), what needs watching (yellow) and what is not going well and needs to stop (red).

 "Once a week," she said, strictly.

"Of course it's hard. It is a crazy amount of commitment.

"But my view is that whatever effort you put into finding that person, put ten times that effort into keeping them.

"People have very unrealistic expectations of marriage. They think it is going to be just like Hollywood and it should be easy.

"But they have work, kids, bedtimes. They get through the daily grind and then they sit on the couch and think, I'm so exhausted, I just want to sit and watch TV. The last thing they want to do is work on their relationship.

"But that is the perfect time to have a ten-minute conversation about what's green, yellow and red in your lives. Then you can watch TV. Or just go and have sex!

"But it's the same deal. People think, I am just too tired to have sex right now.

"Well, saying you're too tired is not going to make your relationship work."

Marriage education certificates have been required by the Catholic church for about three years, Ms Lambros said, with a typical program covering roles and expectations, communication skills, problem solving and conflict resolution.

But Ms Lambros said many Christian couples were now choosing civil celebrant marriages to avoid this step. 

The statistics would seem to back up the proposition that people will do just about anything to avoid talking about their relationship: the proportion of civil celebrant marriages increased again to 74.1 per cent of all marriages in 2014, an increase again from 72.5 per cent in 2013. 

Adam Ross urged people not to take their relationships for granted.

"It doesn't take much to let them know how much you love them. Stay engaged, don't try to fix things yourself. Talk to people and your loved ones, let them know how you're feeling – closing up pushes people away and you will implode," he said.