The Chilcot Report by Sir John Chilcot – digested read

Dear Gordon/David/I really hope it’s not Andrea or a war could all kick off again,

I know I said I’d get this done by 2010 and I missed my deadline by six years, but it’s probably for the best as the people I give a pasting to are now out of government so it won’t be as embarrassing. Yours, John. PS: I know you’re not going to get round to reading all 12 volumes, so I’ve kindly done you a small executive summary.

1. INTRODUCTION. This report is to rectify the shortcomings of the Hutton and Butler inquiries, which were conducted far too soon and therefore were necessarily whitewashes. It has not been our duty to comment on the legality of the war as lawyers are a dodgy bunch who are quite happy to argue black is white for years on end at £1,000 per hour. I wish you good luck in any prosecutions you may want to make, but feel I should remind you that Tony Blair has very deep pockets thanks to his humanitarian work with dictators in the Middle East.

84. AFTERMATH OF 9/11. We are in no doubt that the al-Qaida attacks on America in September were the touchstone for the Iraq war. Emails released by Blair’s office reveal a new affection between the prime minister and the president. Bush’s emails begin: “Dearest Tiny.” (See appendix 1,654)

144. PREPARATIONS FOR WAR. In July 2002, Blair sent Bush a message saying: “We will be with you, whatever.” We understand this to mean Blair was up for a scrap at all costs. In his evidence to this committee, though, Blair tried to explain that what he was really saying was: “We will be with you, whatevs.” This committee has decided, on balance, that the notion the Iraq war only began because Bush failed to understand the British sense of irony is unconvincing.

288. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. While we accept that Blair genuinely wanted to believe Saddam Hussein had WMD, we feel that rather more proof of their existence was required than a plagiarised PhD thesis that was at least two years out of date. We also believe the intelligence services should not have gone on holiday in the six months prior to the war.

289. EVIDENCE OF ALASTAIR CAMPBELL. We were disturbed to discover that Alastair Campbell believed the whole purpose of our inquiry was to clear him of any charges of sexing-up an already sexed-up dossier (see appendix 23,008). Campbell did not help his cause by leaping on the table and shouting: “You’re all a load of fucking fucks, you’ll never take me alive.” We recommend a course in anger management. An opportunity sadly not available to those who are actually dead.

390. UN WEAPONS INSPECTORS. The testimony of UN weapons inspector Hans Blix directly contradicted that of Blair, who was adamant that 10 minutes was quite enough to hunt for WMD that were “there, obvs” (See appendix 26,775). Blix said he repeatedly asked Tony for just another five minutes but Blair was insistent the invasion could not miss the lunchtime Fox News.

483. CABINET DISCUSSIONS. We do not feel that telling your ministers: “We’re going in regardless so don’t bother your pretty little heads with the details” (See appendix 88,530) represents adequate cabinet discussion.

707. UN RESOLUTIONS. Blair seemed to labour under the impression that merely asking the UN to pass a resolution had as much legal validity as a resolution that had been passed. We feel it might have been helpful if there had been someone in the UK, other than the many millions who were opposed to the war, who had told him this.

933. GOING TO WAR. In his evidence to the committee, Blair insisted he could not delay the war a second longer because he and Bush were suffering from the often fatal condition of “messianic priapism”. This was not sufficient reason to put so many people’s lives at risk.

1332. TROOP SAFETY. Blair’s insistence that “the troops would be fine with a few plastic helmets from Poundland because we always knew Saddam didn’t have any proper weapons” (appendix 45,996) was rather at odds with his assertion that Iraq had the most dangerous stockpile of weapons outside the US.

1824. POST-CONFLICT PLANNING. We found Blair’s testimony that he believed “everything would be all right on the night and, besides, the world is a much safer place than it would have been and Andy Murray wouldn’t have won Wimbledon if we hadn’t gone to war” to be a sign of mental disturbance.

2006. APOLOGY. Blair’s frequent assertion that it is “the world that should be apologising to him rather than him apologising to the world” (appendices 67,886–223,863) seems to be entirely consistent with a homicidal sociopath.

Digested read, digested: Guilty as sin.