Time to break away

This is content for KITKAT

At election time, a country stares deep into its very foundations. The constitution is scrutinised, borders are contemplated, and sometimes the electorate decides it doesn’t want to be quite the same electorate any more.

Right now, up in sunny climes, agitators are calling for an independent North Queensland in a debate that’s been raging since the nineteenth century. Tasmania, too, has an independence movement. Over on the other side of the world, there’s BREXIT, bringing closure to the ongoing debate of whether Britain should break (back) away from Europe.

There’s a strong case for breakaway states, especially if you believe in the wisdom of the ancient Greeks, who maintained that the ideal size for an independent entity was ‘a small city,’ of around 3,000 inhabitants.

Here are some suggestions for other new independent nations with the potential to be rather awesome places to live.

Bondi

Australia’s most famous beach suburb has all that a place could ever need to secede successfully: surf, sand, sun, juice, deconstructed coffee, gluten-free paleo, and a proud identity expressed through vibrant national dress including the budgie smugglers, the beard, the tattoo and the kaftan.

Bondi is in fact a vision of modern Australia as it should be, and as the outside world believes it to be (unless they watch Wolf Creek). It is a hipster utopia in which nobody goes to the office but instead supports their chilled-out lifestyle with artisan trades, such as vegan gelato making, surfboard waxing, typewriter repairs and being a blacksmith specialising in the re-heeling of Louboutins. Bondi’s coat of arms bears the national emblem, a beach towel. Its borders are defined by woolen and lycra walls, with pop-up bars at each checkpoint, selling craft beer served in recycled plumbers’ boots and boutique cider made with seagulls’ tears and foraged daisies.

The MCG

This new nation would be reminiscent of Vatican City, a sovereign entity devoted to religious practice. Like the Holy See itself, Melbourne Cricket Ground is regarded by many as a sacred location and pilgrims flock here to tread its hallowed ground. (Incidentally, the Pope and US evangelist Billy Graham have both paid a visit). Here, where Shane Warne took his 700^th test wicket in 2006 exactly 50 years after the flame was lit at the southern hemisphere’s first Olympic Games, a new state founded entirely on sporting principles will be born. The government will consist of 11 players whose legislation can be overruled by an umpire at any time, and the prime minster will serve a term of two innings. Occasionally this nation declares war upon England, the West Indies and India. It is customarily victorious.

Rooty Hill RSL

Australia’s largest RSL club has been campaigning for its own postcode since 2010, so it’s time to take things up a notch to full independence.

This behemoth pleasure palace in Sydney’s west is already self-sufficient. It has its own power plant, TV station, hotel, gym, theatre, multiple restaurants, bowling alley, inventions (most recently, the one-kilogram burger) and a population of 48,000 members – almost 10,000 more than its likeminded fellow principality Monaco.

Like Monaco, the jewel in Rooty Hill’s crown considers itself a rival to Vegas, and attracts celebrities of a similar calibre; The Bee Gees played their first major gig here in 1964, and more recently the likes of Boney M, Hot Chocolate and Rick Astley have bathed in the glamour of this mighty metropolis.

Aggressively expansionist, Rooty Hill and its putative head of state Richard Errington (CEO) are building a 3,000 square metre new entertainment centre with a 500-spot car park. The RSL’s military are often seen on manoeuvres at its high security installation, Laser Tag, prompting rumours this fierce nation might be preparing to invade Penrith in the next step to world domination.

The Barossa Valley

The rationale for granting independence to this bucolic South Australian region can be summarized in two words: because wine.

Second only to oil as a crucial national resource, the Barossa’s endless flow of excellent signature reds will ensure this small but powerful state’s hefty bargaining power on the international stage. Confounding all those unfamiliar with the effect of a good Shiraz on the world’s decision makers, the new state of Barossa will swiftly be awarded hosting rights to the next available Olympic Games, Commonwealth Games, Rugby World Cup and FIFA World Cup. The government will shrug off all allegations of corruption by gifting each of its detractors a $3,000 bottle of Grange.

Erinsborough

After decades of civil war between the Robinson and Ramsay clans, the suburb of Erinsborough has achieved sufficient internal stability to establish itself on the map as the Republic of Erinsborough. It now flies a national flag bearing the image of Buster the Labrador. Its citizens refer to themselves as ‘neighbours’ and the national anthem is one of the most famous in the world, evoking universal peace with its inspiring line: ‘with a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend.’

From his seat of government on Ramsay Street, reclusive prime minister Harold Bishop rules with a firm but fair hand, although relations with trading partner Summer Bay* are often shaky, and frequently veer into a bitter ratings war.

*Political killjoys will try to tell you that both these nations are fictional. This is of course just cynical propaganda disseminated by envious neighbours such as Hogwarts, Westeros and Gotham.