Religion plays a significant role in how men turn out to be either romantic or unromantic. PRISCA BAIKE investigates why, for example, women find born-again Christian men unromantic, and which religion has the most romantic men.
Writing about a friend who just returned from Afghanistan, a female writer on torontonumber1datedoctor.com sets the best preamble for this topic.
"I love this friend so dearly, but he is really getting on my nerves. Every sentence he says has the word 'Afghanistan' in it. Afghanistan this... Afghan people that... in Afghanistan they... blah blah blah," she begins. "All the things he says are positive, interesting and educational, and there is no doubt in my heart that he has fallen in love with the country and its people. I am sometimes like that myself after a field trip, and have been told off by my friends when I get to 'Jesus this, Jesus that' mode."
She coined this phrase back then 'when I was still dating and only interested in dating saved or born-again Christian men'.
"Most of the time, it never got to a second date; and if it got to a third date, it was because I really, really liked the guy, and wanted to get to know him as a person a little bit more. But no joy! I would sit there listening to him talk about Jesus said this, this Bible verse says that, that Bible story is about this. Sometimes one of them would mistake my silence for not knowing anything about Jesus or the Bible and start preaching to me," she notes.
"I had a guy once ask me to receive Jesus Christ as my personal savior and friend on a first date! Like I said, if I really liked the guy, I would try to find out a little bit more about him as a person - what he likes to do, how he spends his day, who he hangs out with, etc. This is when he starts talking about his prayer group, this person he led to Christ, that testimony he heard about someone receiving Christ, etc. No imagination, no creativity, no originality. It's like the guys had no 'other lives' at all."
I am sure you have heard similar stories about born-again Christian men. That what they call an outing is when they take you for a fellowship or gathering like Phaneroo. For them, if you aren't married, holding hands, pecking or kissing in public is a sin! In fact, they won't compliment you with sweet words like 'you are smart, hot or sexy'.
And you have to be very careful what you choose to wear on a date. The jury has been out there, declaring born-again Christian men as unromantic. But neither have the Muslim brothers been spared. Non- Muslims girls who have dated them say you get used to drinking alone because he won't buy you a beer when you need it. Of course that also applies to the beer's best escort, pork.
For the Roman Catholic men, girls are worried of their discerning nature. You aren't sure if they want to marry you or dedicate their life to priesthood or religious life. Now, don't get me wrong - vocations to priesthood and religious life are beautiful and blessed. But when you have your heart set on a great guy, and he discerns a calling that doesn't involve you in a white dress, it still hurts.
Therefore, there is no doubt that religion plays a significant role in how men turn out to be either romantic or unromantic. According to Julian Najjemba, a marketer, who once dated a born-again Christian man: "Everything rotated around church, the Bible, fellowships and other Christian events, which weren't necessarily interesting, and did not even give us a chance to know each other - as we were always in the company of many other people".
"Worse still, he was afraid of holding hands and hugging as he feared it could lead us to temptation. We couldn't even go to the beach as he claimed it was an indecent place."
While her friends were enjoying hanging out in nice places with their boyfriends who lavished them with compliments and were not afraid to display their affection, Najjemba held onto her bland relationship for a year, hoping things would change but they only worsened.
"The relationship was plainer than a platonic one, and to make matters worse, I never got to know him as well as I know my other friends," says Najjemba who threw in the towel due to lack of affection.
It's, however, a different story for Doreen Mugangaizi Komuhendo, who like Najjemba dated a born-again man.
"He was never boring as he always took me out and gave me his time whenever I needed him," says Komuhendo who is now married to his born-again university graduate.
Kelly Wafukho, an attractive young man, standing at 6ft, with a good body and chocolate complexion, says: "Born-again Christian men are romantic only that it comes with limitations that are set by high moral standards, which some women find boring."
The 28-year-old computer scientist says that a woman who enjoys clubbing will find a born-again Christian man boring because he will not take her to club. That perhaps explains why despite his charmingly-good looks and a great sense of humour, he spent most of his university and post-university days single.
Komuhendo actually admits that some women complain about born-again men having no time for anything else except prayers. Some of them pretend to be too busy praying to pick up their lovers' phone calls, something that Komuhendo discourages as it can breed mistrust.
Robert Mugangaizi, Komuhendo's husband, maintains that born-again men are supposed to be romantic too.
According to Mugangaizi, there is nothing wrong with a born-again man holding his lover's arm, shoulder or waist.
"Hugging is fine and you may peck but you are not allowed to kiss until you get married," Mugangaizi says.
He urges born-again men to be more expressive to their lovers.
"Every woman, no matter how religious, enjoys compliments, and would like to know that her lover finds her attractive. What is wrong with telling your lover that she is hot and you find her absolutely sexy?" Mugangaizi asks.
Some ladies The Observer talked to reported the men to have tried to make them give their lives to Christ on their very first date.
"Is it my heart you are interested in or my soul," joked one respondent who was asked out by a cool guy only for the date to turn into an altar call. "He pulled out his Bible and kept reading out highlighted scriptures to me yet I'm a Muslim. There was surely no second date."
TAKING IT SLOW
For couples considering a relationship with someone outside their faith, experts say it's vital to not let romantic feelings override religious differences because faith-based incompatibility may present an insurmountable obstacle down the road, according to www.timesfreepress.com.
"Early romance is a delusional stage making a relationship and the other person bigger than life. It's like being high on drugs," the online publication quotes Judy Herman, a licensed professional counselor.
Before committing to a relationship, she says, it's best to get to know a prospective partner platonically before allowing heady romantic infatuation to muddy the waters."It's always best to take relationships slow," Herman says. "Spend time getting to know the other in the context of their other relationships and interests, desires, goals, etc. It's much more than conversation about religion. It's time, seasons and various contexts that reveal more than anything on a first date."
According to Wafukho, one lady he dated did not like the fact that he was saving himself for marriage. He stresses that his faith condemns fornication, a sin he is not willing to commit. This has cost him some nice girls he wanted to date.
"I've missed on good ones because of my mindset that they don't agree with. They instead considered me slow and boring," reminisces Wafukho, although he dismisses it saying that a girl who doesn't agree with his beliefs would definitely not make a good partner for him.
"The two of you have to understand and respect each others' values right from the start in order to have a successful relationship," affirms Wafukho.
Like Wafukho, many born-again men have been shunned by ladies because they find them slow and boring. Beatrice Langariti, a born again marriage counselor at the Buganda road-based counseling centre, Thrive 360, dismisses such claims.
"Boring and slow are the excuses people give in order to engage physically. You know how people like to taste around the place. At the end of the day, someone will lose respect for their partner," she says.
According to Langariti, sleeping around is not allowed as the physical engagements can overshadow everything else in the relationship, causing dire consequences. She recommends keeping the physical aspect at bay and focus on knowing the person.
"It's very important for people to first get to know each other without strings attached. They should know each other deeply without expectations, but they should be proactive about what they want in a partner," says Langariti.
On which is the religion with the most romantic men, it depends on who you speak to. According to Beatrice Akol, a mother of two married to a fellow Catholic man, she would choose Muslims against born-agains.
"Born-again men are unreal. They are in a different world of their own. Muslims are better in terms of showing affection and communicating their feelings to their partners," she says. "I think Anglican and Catholic men are the most liberal although the Catholics are better because they are very free with alcohol."
Another woman who prefers anonymity says Muslim men are too authoritative and won't mind sharing your love with another woman. They won't also allow you to put your skimpy skirts on days when you feel like loosening up. Langariti advises born again men to get creative in order not to bore their partners.
"They just have to be creative and work around their strengths. For fun, they can visit friends and family, read a book, sign up for a cooking class, music class or acquire any skill jointly as a form of bonding," says Langariti, affirming that there is so much to do. Coffee and ice cream dates, movies and engaging in some joint activities such as sports are a good way to spend time together, according to Wafukho.
"Be creative and not bore your girlfriend by talking about the Bible all the time. Find humor in modern- day things as long as they don't affect your spiritual beliefs," Wafukho says.
Langariti has developed an event dubbed 'Love and Pizza' for the unmarried but engaged couples, where lovers share experiences, get Christian counseling and do some bonding over pizza.
