I’m only 20 but I have a low sex drive

I have just turned 20, and I find that, for my age, I have a very low sex drive. I have tried masturbation, but I have never reached orgasm. In my last relationship, I ended up actively avoiding sex. Could my low sex drive be caused by low enjoyment of sexual intercourse or the lack of orgasm – or vice versa? Or is this a normal side effect of anxiety, which I also have?

I doubt that you have a diagnosable condition related to low libido. Rather, considering your age, anxiety and lack of experience, I would suggest you are at a normal, early stage of sexual discovery. It takes some people many years to learn how their bodies work. Your anxiety may be informing your sexuality in several ways, making it less likely that you will achieve the relaxation necessary to produce orgasm, and causing you to question your “normality”. This is probably largely responsible for the unsuccessful nature of your experiences thus far. Find ways to reduce your anxiety, such as exercise, meditation and yoga, and/or formal treatment. Take your time to learn who you are sexually, and understand that you do not need to race into sex. If you do not feel safe with – or attracted to – someone, do not attempt intimacy with them. Focus on developing a sincere, loving and trusting relationship with another person – this is the necessary first step in sexual discovery.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.