My boyfriend is messing around… with my employee

The dilemma I can’t tell if I’m being a control freak or walked all over. I’ve been with my partner for six years. We work together in an organisation I set up. We both do two or three people’s jobs at times, so our relationship is interwoven with our stressful working lives. Earlier this year my partner confessed he’d got drunk and had a one-night stand. Weeks later he told me he had told this woman that he loved her but had decided to be with me. That really de-stabilised me. Then I had a horrible accident, and while I was in and out of surgery for six weeks, with the threat of being permanently disabled, new staff started at our organisation and one took an immediate shine to my boyfriend. He’s now texting this woman up to 30 times a day, and they go out drinking together until 4am. He says she is like a sister, but I have to work in the same office as this woman. She is 20 years younger than him. I’m not coping with the jealousy and resentment. What on earth should I do?

Mariella replies I don’t know where to start! Your letter is like one of those magic-eye pictures that I have to keep staring at in the hope that a recognisable pattern will emerge. You’re clearly a capable, intelligent woman, so why are you allowing yourself be treated like the beleaguered victim? You ask if you’re a control freak, but that’s the very thing you seem to be failing to be. I’m tempted to say that your skills need polishing up. At present, control is what’s absent from the picture – of your relationship and of your employees – and this long diatribe suggests it’s time to take the reins back into your hands.

Your boyfriend is seriously letting you down, on every level. And if you can’t trust him, he doesn’t support you when you’re struck low and he’s not respecting you either, just what exactly is he good for? Striking up an inappropriate relationship while you are in hospital is just the start of what appears to be a long list of misdemeanours. What sort of person twists the knife in even deeper after a fling by detailing strong feelings for a lover and then expecting gratitude for a return to the fold?

I’m worried about you because you seem to be relying on his support but failing to realise that he’s offering you nothing to lean on. Of course he shouldn’t be out getting drunk with your newest employee until the early hours or even, dare I say, at all. I’m not a champion of keeping your lover under lock and key, but what he appears to be displaying is utter contempt.

I don’t want to lay all the blame at his door, but I am hoping to open your eyes to the total unacceptability of his current behaviour (and indeed previous). You might be partly culpable, but only by default. In your longer letter, there are quite a few mentions of “my company�, “my staff� and so on. Some men sadly haven’t kept up with the pace of change in this slowly equalising world and struggle with any power imbalance that puts them a peg or two below women on the career or financial ladder. The cowardly way to deal with that would be to reclaim status by flirting with a younger, impressionable woman – bingo! That’s not the only area in which this girl’s age is relevant. She must be immature indeed if she thinks flirting with the boss’s boyfriend is going to smooth her career path – or he’s spinning quite a tale.

Your accident is unfortunate and thankfully not permanently damaging, so pulling out the guilt card (as I can see you’re attempting, even with me) is a redundant move. You shouldn’t have to claim potential disability in order to try to engage this man’s attention. He’s acting badly and you need to call him out on it.

First, though, you need to prepare yourself for the worst. If, as it appears, he is playing around, betraying your trust and taking your tolerance for granted, there’s no point in ranting and raving unless you’re prepared to make a change. Some people thrive on being constantly in each other’s orbit, but most of us also need space. My inkling is that you’ve come to the end of one road and need to choose what the next one will be. Perhaps he’s your trusted lieutenant, but not your romantic stalwart. Or he’s your boyfriend first and foremost, in which case it might be time for him to seek employment elsewhere. What can’t continue is his failure to live up to either sets of expectations. I’d argue that drinking sessions until 4am as a mature man are not appropriate with anybody on a regular basis.

If he is good at his job, I’d be tempted to knock what’s left of your romance on the head – which might sound brutal, but then so is his behaviour. It’s not the girl or her age that is humiliating – it’s his presumption that you will tolerate his messing around and lack of respect. As I said at the beginning, you’re clearly a capable woman, so it’s time to focus on some overdue life-management – and redundancies could be called for.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1