If you know me, or read this blog, you probably know that I have always valued myself above all else–I don’t really care much for my family and friends or strangers as long as I get my way. I’m also very uncomfortable about being a mother at home, mostly because of things I don’t understand, and I’ve only a residual feminism left–sort of like the flour that I’m trying to brush off my shirt after making pizza dough with toddlers this morning.
Wait a second. Actually, that’s not right at all. Although, if one reads my responses to bluemilk’s ten questions about feminist motherhood, and takes bits out, and twists and turns them to suit, I suppose that this is the impression one could create. At least, this person did on his self-proclaimed conservative web site. The post has the feel of a jigsaw puzzle completed with no attempt to actually make the pieces fit together. He read responses from several mothers, and slipped some impressively condescending language into his analysis–if “an analysis” means “a mis-understanding and mis-reading.”
This person, or anyone else, is welcome to anything I read or say, and welcome to use it or abuse it. No problem at all.
A word of advice, however. Better evidence and more convincing data for the conservative and/or anti-feminism stance must exist than, say, my life, or it is an even less credible viewpoint than I thought. Manipulating a few details of these feminist mothers’ lives into an erroneous portrait of who they are will not further any anti-feminist crusade because, very simply, the conclusions are incorrect.
I don’t want to speak for the other mothers mentioned, but in the little section devoted to me, I found such ludicrous conclusions made about my life that it amused me. The section I’m referring to is tacked onto the end of this post, but it would be too tiresome to go through and explain how wrong it all is sentence by sentence. Instead, I can sum it all up pretty easily like this:
1. The most amusing conclusion, perhaps, is that I’ve valued autonomy and independence above all else. That seems lonely. I’m glad it’s not me. (The “Me do it myself,” anecdote was a tongue-in-cheek reference to the fact that I have not needed or valued assistance in carrying out my responsibilities successfully so much until now. There’s no lunch break or sick day when you’re taking care of children, and I’m very lucky to have the support that I do. Parents who do not have reliable support, and can still do this, are remarkable in their strength and capabilities.)
2. There’s nothing residual about my feminism. Having children was, for me, one of the life experiences that made me more feminist than ever, and more aware of oppressive gender constructs–for boys as well as girls–than ever.
3. I’m not conflicted or confused about my own decision to follow
“a traditional gender pattern of stay at home motherhood.” (Although . . . is it awfully traditional in a conservative definition of “stay-at-home motherhood” to be spending all this time writing and reading about feminist motherhood? To have feminist principles central to our childrearing practices?) It is, instead, the stereotypes and the mistaken conclusions about mothers and parents at home with children that piss me off and leave me without a whole lot to identify with out there–thank goodness again for the mothers I can communicate with through blogs . . . and the rare alone and relaxed conversation time with mother friends in real life.
An excerpt from the post to which I was referring:
Marjorie was the second feminist mother interviewed. She too is a woman who followed an autonomist culture by valuing independence above all else, by intending to remain childless and by intending to return to work once she had children. Again, though, after she had children she began to value family more highly than these forms of autonomy:
I am shocked and bewildered by how much I love my kids and love mothering them. I have a vague recollection of swearing I would never have children (and double- and triple-swearing that I would never have children), but I can’t remember why now …
I have also been surprised that I absolutely need my husband and family and friends to get through it all. I think I first said, “Me do it myself,” at two years of age and said it until the moment before Martin was born. I absolutely need them to help me.
I don’t feel like I’ve sacrificed my career in a negative way because the alternative was sacrificing this time with my children, which, to me, would have been the worse option. I thought I was going back to work, but I didn’t even consider it once I had the baby.
The one aspect of patriarchy theory Marjorie still clings to is that of gender being an unnatural, oppressive construct. Yet, given that she herself is following a traditional gender pattern of stay at home motherhood, she feels conflicted:
I sometimes feel compromised and have trouble identifying as a feminist mother since I get so bogged down by the stay at home mother/housewife stereotype.
It’s a pity she doesn’t realise that once you no longer hold autonomy to be the one, overriding value, there is no reason to judge the traditional female role as inferior and therefore no need to attack gender as an oppressive construct. Her residual feminism is making her feel unnecessarily uncomfortable in what she is doing.
Interesting that “autonomy and independence” are two words that are never contradictory to traditional masculinity. And he is no different.
Reads to me like the guy just grabbed whatever anecdotal “evidence” he could find so that he could twist it to suit he preconceptions. Some solid science there!
“Say what?” is right. The blogosphere is weird. At least you turned the whole event into an interesting and yes, inspiring post. How do you do that?
I think blue milk’s response was great – he chose to select answers that fit his political ideas instead of looking at the multifaceted discussion that arises from the intersection of motherhood and feminism.
Only someone with all the autonomy they could ever hope for could possibly suggest so determinedly that others not aspire for it. White male drowning in privellege I think.
… aspire to it. I mean.
Those who don’t get it – and spend their time and energy assaulting it and criticizing it – don’t WANT to get it.
They are in it for the fight. They feed off their own negativity and try to drag us into it. It’s really just a massive lack of empathy. We really must try harder to get empathy into the boys we raise.
I’m not sure if I should even look to see if I was chosen for his attack.
I love what you said in 3.
That it pisses you off, the misguided stereotypes. I find strength in blogs like yours because they inspire me to write my truth. I know what I “sound” like to some folks what with my typical I’m just home raising babies and my life is over and I have dealt with PPD. It’s scary to write those things because of how they can be lumped and misunderstood and devalued.
But I ALWAYS breathe in inspiration from what you write and it makes me want to help breakdown the myth of the SAHM…. (ugh, labels suck.)
I would feel bad for the guy because you are so much smarter than him. But he’s not intelligent enough to realize that is the case.
Candace–the first time I read your blog, I read an entry you wrote about PPD and it absolutely took my breath away–there’s not a way in the world a person could read your blog and maintain any ignorant illusion of the “home raising babies and life is over” stereotype. That’s what is so breathtaking, to me, about the mothering (mothering in particular because that’s where my head usually is right now) blogs that I feel privileged to read–they just smash those stereotypes. Makes you wonder where that vacuously-smiling-bathroom-cleaning-sitcom-mom even came from, because she ain’t us.
Thanks for these comments.
http://marcys.wordpress.com/2007/07/30/the-difference-between-mom-and-dad/ sad if true or not…not over thinking the issue, just something basic….if true or not…