Woman opens her own car door, world carries on. Photo: Stocksy
I'm a firm believer in social etiquette. I do my best to remember and use people's names. I'm never short of a "please" or a "thank you" and when I'm walking through a door I'll hold it open for the person behind me.
But some traditional etiquette is no longer good manners; in fact it's freaking rude. Far from being polite, persisting with antiquated and inappropriate etiquette rituals can be a way of controlling people and asserting one's social dominance.
Here's a memo to the clueless-yet-well-meaning folk about old-school social etiquette that's now just plain offensive.
1. Referring to a woman as if she's her husband's possession.
I recently received an invitation addressed to Mrs C Scanlon. The "C" is for my husband's first name "Christopher" and the "Scanlon" is for my husband's last name.
I'm pretty sure (read: certain) the sender is aware that I didn't change my last name when I got married. But even if he somehow forgot, he surely knows my first name isn't "Christopher".
Given the sender is a baby-boomer, it's possible he felt he was being polite by adhering to a traditional formal naming convention. But the foundation of politeness is respect and consideration. And how much respect can you really show a person if you don't even call them by their name?
2. Calling women "darlin'", "hon", "sweetheart", "dear", or "luv".
This one is all about context. When your female friend greets you with 'Hi hon,' it's endearing and entirely appropriate.
When your male client or boss says, "Good work, sweetheart," or you say to service staff, "Get me a coffee would ya, darlin'?" it's an offensive display of power and control.
Except in the case of pet names for lovers or children, these words, when said by a man to a woman, are diminutive. They have the affect of exerting dominance, highlighting someone's gender, or making sure they know that you think they are small, weak or unimportant.
3. Telling women they are "looking well" and other appearance-based "compliments".
"You're looking well," is not a compliment. It's almost always a euphemism for "You've put on weight, I've noticed and I don't think that's a good thing."
Even on those occasions when it is genuinely meant as praise, it's still a phrase that should be dropped from our social repertoire. Any comment about a person's appearance is a judgment: it's an admission that you're inspecting their physical appearance and appraising it.
The flip side of "You've lost weight, you look great," is "You didn't look great before," or "If you regain the weight you wont look great anymore." And it ALWAYS means "I am looking at your body and judging you by it." Not only that, weight-based compliments can be damaging to people's body image and harmful to their health.
Our cultural obsession with remarking on women's weight and appearance is oppressive. Find something else to talk about.
4. Insisting on paying the bill
Money is not just money; a lot of the time it's power. There's a long history of paying a bill being considered as a legitimate transaction for sex.
True story: A man I dated absolutely insisted on paying for my coffee. I wanted to pay for myself but I relented when he became angry and insulted that I wouldn't accept his offer to pay. He subsequently expected sex and when I wasn't forthcoming he asked for his money back.
Everything about his insistence to pay was the opposite of polite. Quite aside from him valuing my sexual services at a measly three dollars, paying the bill was all about what he wanted, without any regard for how I felt about the situation.
Even if you're not a creep, it's far more polite to respect someone's wishes than pick up the tab.
5. Insisting on being chivalrous when it's inconvenient or unwanted (and then expecting to be thanked for it).
I know of a man who insists on opening car doors for women – even when it's raining and the woman is standing outside the car getting wet and he's talking on his mobile phone.
He gets really annoyed with women who have mastered the wrist and hand dexterity to open their own car door, and don't accept his chivalry. He claims that opening car doors for women was how he was raised.
And that right there is the problem: it was how he was raised. It has nothing to do with what the target of his chivalry wants. Being allowed to perform his idea of masculinity is more important to him than the woman.
Yes, chivalry used to be the height of civility and politeness, but when men insist on maintaining these rituals without any regard for the woman involved it's the opposite of gentlemanly.
Kasey Edwards is a writer and best-selling author. www.kaseyedwards.com
