Jarrett Jack

"You can't ignore me forever, DTB." Startled by the unexpected voice behind me, I turn my chair away from the computer screen to find that Jarrett Jack has entered my office. This is not the first time an NBA player has intruded upon the sanctity of my abode, so I am able to respond calmly. "Actually, it is quite possible for me to indefinitely ignore you." Jarrett roars and charges me. I let him do what he wants. I know he will not truly hurt me, as I am the only one who can give him what he desires: a highlight video. He grabs my head and presses it against my 4K-resolution monitor, one of six which rings me like a pantheon of gods. I do not resist. On the screen is basketball-reference's ranked list of performances for the previous night's games. How convenient for Jarrett. "Do you see this?" he snarls. "I'm the eleventh-highest on the list! Eleventh! And you would still ignore me for lesser players." I wince as his anger-ripened spit flecks against my face, but my concern is mainly reserved for my expensive highlight-making equipment. "View counts, Jarrett. That's all I have to say on this matter." At my words, his grip on my head tightens, and I can feel as the intensity of his anger causes his very body to quake. I begin to doubt my certainty that he will not injure my person. Sensing the impending danger, my cat Japurri Purrker silently picks himself up from where he was warming my feet to move to Jarrett's side. Jarrett, struggling to figure out what his next move should be, doesn't see what's happening until it's too late. Japurri leaps into the air and attaches all four sets of claws directly to Jarrett's face. Jarrett immediately releases his grip on me and stumbles backwards, trying in vain to pry the cat off of him. As Japurri hisses and scratches, Jarrett's efforts become more and more feeble, until he finally falls on the the floor. In between lightning-quick paws, I can see that his face his already severely bloodied. "I would recommend not breaking into my residence again, Jarrett. You see what the penalty is. But, hey, look at the plus side! Now your face won't look so much like Corey Maggette's." Underneath the hissing of my brave little kitty, I hear what I think is a sob. Satisfied, I turn back to my computer to resume my work. Jarrett will get his highlight video, oh yes indeed, but his true reward will be a description detailing his embarrassing encounter with the world's most advanced highlight maker. All clips property of the NBA. No copyright infringement is intended.

• published: 17 Dec 2015
• views: 2790