#innerpeaceteachings Suffering, Scapegoating and Targeting In An Abusive Family

• Report rights infringement
• published: 11 Dec 2013
• views: 1686

As I've stated in other posts, I come from an abusive background. My role was the scapegoat, where other people could abuse me and I was to accept that without question. If I fought back I was punished with more abuse. Growing up, I learned everything I needed to know about being a victim. At the age of 19 I entered counseling because I was in a lot of mental pain and I didn't know how to deal with it. Also, at 19, I made an important decision; to never have children. This was for two reasons. One, because I didn't want the responsibility. Secondly, I knew I'd been profoundly damaged and I knew those behaviors would leak out of me despite my best attempts to stop it. My resolve was simple: "This dies with me. I will never inflict what happened to me on an innocent human being." It was wishful thinking. The behaviors leaked out of me anyway and for many decades I repeated what I knew. Part of the reason I went to counseling was to undo those patterns and with a lot of hard work, I've managed to end many of them in my life. Still, the victim/victimize cycle has been the most insidious and more often than not, I found myself lapsing into the old victim role. It's been really tough to overcome. One thing has become clear to me. If a person grows up in an abusive family and becomes aware of the psychological damage, extensive counseling is necessary to overcome it. If not, there is the very high risk that this person will become an abuser or victim as and continue the cycle. This is what led me to the decision: "This dies with me." It was an extreme measure but at the time I had nothing to work with. I have other tools now but I don't regret my decision; it was right at the time. Many years ago when my father was still alive, his mother and one sister came for a visit. When I walked in the door after a hard days' work, the first thing my grandmother said to me was: "You're losing your hair." I was furious, but neither Hyman not Minnie stepped up to my defense. During the week my relatives were there, they criticized me repeatedly and I was not allowed to fight back. One day I saw something I'll never forget. In the kitchen, my grandmother was berating my father who sat in a chair, head down, eyes closed, enduring the abuse. In an instant I knew. She abused him the same way he abused us. When my relatives left after a week, I walked into the kitchen when Hyman was there and said: "Dad, no offense to you, but I never want to see your mother or your sister again as long as they or I live," and I walked out of the room. He didn't try to stop me. Years later, both died and I never saw them again. When I studied with Stephen Bodian, my Zen teacher, I told him the story, fully expecting to be condemned for what I did. When I finished the story, he said: "Why would you? Why would you let anyone treat you like that?" He showed me full and unconditional support, for which I was enormously grateful. If you come from an abusive family, help exists, though you might have to work hard to find it. I hope that by coming here you'll receive that support in my words and to know that despite what anyone might tell you, you are worth it. How Bullies Twist Your Words https://youtu.be/zU5ifYvPKp4 How to End Adult Bullying in Two Steps https://youtu.be/zjvsl5cyYeA Suffering and An Abusive Family https://youtu.be/7rlKvgea-TM How to Calm an Active Mind During the NIght https://youtu.be/jRGEH8Dd20Y http://NathanSegal.info #nathansegal