Boudica, Elizabeth Bennet and Mother Teresa Walk Into A Bar

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• published: 17 Sep 2013
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Emma Powell commissioned Stephanie Young to write comedy for a voice demo. The brief was to create three, 30-second interviews with 'notable' women -- from literature or history. The interview had to close with the famous character being offended by a question, hauling back, slugging the interviewer and storming out. Full text below. Performed by Emma Powell, written by Stephanie Young. Sound design and recording by Raoul Brand. (Boudica via Sloane Street:) First of all I have to say -- oops! Haha, yes it really wasn't meant to be a complete RAZING of the city, not a SACKING. I was, well Daddy always said I had a biiiit of a temper and it's not that flogging and raping should go REWARDED. I wouldn't stand up and wave my arms and shout 'HELLO, haven't been flogged in hours, anyone game??' But I suspect killing 70,000 people and trashing a major European city -- with superior night life -- was a leeeeetle bit rash. I think you're just divine to have seen beyond that trifle and put up this lovely statue. I'm just going to -- aaggh! No one will miss a pigeon, eh? Oh for heaven's sake! Boadisea, Boadicea, Boudica -- they're all horrid. Call me CHELSEA. (Elizabeth Bennet, on sartorial choices:) Yes, it is cripplingly difficult finding the proper neckline for a gown that evinces both chastity and allure. Last night I elicited, most unwillingly, the attentions of Mr Darcy -- vile man, tall, dark, rich, nothing to recommend him. Between the Fiddler's Reel and Queen Anne's Jig I caught sight of myself in the glass at the top of the landing and thought 'Lizzie, you may not be an incomparable beauty, but you know your décolletage.' And I'm hilarious. Attract Mr Darcy? I'd sooner attract a plague of blood poisoning goat suckers. Besides, I'm dating Wickham. (Mother Teresa - with apologies to Milton for the parting shot): I heard the calling at the age of twelve to serve the poorest of the poor in India. I was there for 40 years before I realised my filter for the Holy Word was faulty and I had not been asked to serve God but to serve - cod. Something my mother obviously wanted me to prepare for dinner. Forty years before. Quite a shock. What are you saying? They also serve who serve fish!