Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001)

Actors: Robert Halmi Sr. (producer), Carlton Jarvis (miscellaneous crew), Ralph Morse (actor), Bradley Walsh (actor), Ricky Tomlinson (actor), Robert Jones (producer), Philip Jackson (actor), David Beckham (actor), Phill Jupitus (actor), Greg Bennett (actor), Pelé (actor), Keith Allen (actor), Ulrich Thomsen (actor), Carlton Jarvis (miscellaneous crew), Steve Barron (director),

Plot: The manager of England's national football unexpectedly succumbs to a heart attack, and suddenly the search is on for a replacement. Most people who seem qualified for the position have the good sense to turn it down, and so the responsibility falls to Mike Bassett, a scruffy and loud-mouthed lout whose claim to football fame is leading a previously undistinguished team to a league championship. Bassett insists that England will win the World Cup under his leadership, but that's before he replaces his star player with a once-gifted footballer who has since developed a drinking problem, and hired a one-time car salesman as his assistant. After stunning losses to Poland and Belgium, Bassett goes from a favorite of both fans and the press to one of the most hated men in England; hoping to whip his team into shape, he subjects them to the high-tech training methods of eccentric Dr. Shoegaarten, which injures more players than it helps. Despite Bassett's ineptitude, England manages to qualify for the World Cup tournament thanks to group opponents Turkey losing their final game, and he flies to Rio with his team in hopes of somehow turning their bad luck around.

Keywords: atomic-kitten, bus, cameo, character-name-in-title, drunkenness, england, gash-in-the-face, gross-out-joke, hooliganism, interview
Genres: Comedy, Sport,
Taglines: He Knows F.A. About Football. The ever changing face of football has a got new mug...

Quotes:

Mike: How am I supposed to know. Just do whatever you want.

Interviewer: Half time, and England trail Mexico by 2-0.::Mike: Have you heard what the crowd are fucking shouting? "Fuck Bassett!" "Bassett's a cunt!" "Bassett's a bastard!" "Bassett's a wanker!" They shouldn't be fucking shouting at me, they should be shouting at you, and do you know why? Because it's fucking half-time, and we're fucking 2-0 down to the fucking Mexicans! What the fuck's wrong with you? Get your fucking fingers out! Where's your bottle fucking gone? [hurls piece of equipment at the goalkeeper] And fucking pay attention you cunt, when I'm fucking talking to you! If you don't wanna wear the shirt, fucking take it off! There's thousands of kids out there who'd die to put that fucking shirt on. Get back on the fucking field, show those bastards what you can fucking do, or you can fuck off home on the fucking plane! You got that?::Interviewer: England lose 4-0.

Mike: [Harpsey's phone rings, Mike snatches it off him] Will you *fuck off*? [throws Harpsey's phone to the floor]

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen. England will be playing Four-Four-Fucking Two.

Karine Bassett: [to Camera] Last night Mike had a dream that Bobby Moore was chasing him round Wembley Stadium shouting "Look what you've done you bloody idiot"

Kevin Tonkinson: [having been arrested for drink-driving] It wasn't my fault, boss, I had to swerve to avoid the traffic!::Mike: Only because you were on the wrong side of the bloody road! How many milligrams did you have?::Kevin Tonkinson: 88.::Mike: 88 bloody milligrams! You go on the piss all day, you've ballooned out like the Pillsbury Doughboy! You've really let me down this time, Tonka, I'm telling you.::Kevin Tonkinson: I wrote an apology, boss!::Mike: Oh, fuck the apology! You could go to jail for this! What sort of system am I going to play then? Three across the middle and one in bloody Pentonville?

Kevin Tonkinson: [naked in the pool] Here, lads we've got a jacuzzi [farts, bubbling the water up; players laugh]::Kevin Tonkinson: And again [farts again]::Kevin Tonkinson: Oh bollocks, I've shit meself! [outraged, all the players walk out of the pool]

[last lines]::Interviewer: [after Mike and the team leave the plane] Are you going to stay on?::Mike: Four more years! [cheers from crowd]::Mike: I'm staying on!::Interviewer: [some time into the credits] Anyone else?::Pelé: Maybe Korea, Japan...::Interviewer: Japan? What about England?::Pelé: Not England though.::Interviewer: But they've qualified, Pelé!::Pelé: England? [laughs]

Jornal do Rio reporter: [in Portuguese] Do you like Mike Bassett?::Ronaldo: [in Portuguese] Who?

Interviewer: [in interviews with Pelé as he refuses to mention England] What about England?