Hot Today
Big Surprise: Bundy Militia Dildo Bros Loved To Intimidate Local Sheriffs
One of the biggest disappointments for the Bundy Militia Freedom Insurgents was, of course, their complete failure to rally the people of Oregon, or even of Harney County, to flock to the Malheur National...
CNN Steps On Own Dick, Wonders If Prince’s Death Is Good News For Trump And Hillary
Know what's been nice? Since Prince's untimely passing on Thursday, people really haven't said hardly anything shitty about it. Cities large and small have gone purple, the cast of Broadway's The Color Purple sang the tribute...
Extremely Disturbed Time Traveler Walks Fourth Dimension To Seek Out Arby’s ‘Food’
We've never gotten to use "time travel" and "Arby's" in a headline before. We feel good about it.
Dante Anderson of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, was a man on a mission -- specifically, a mission through...
How Can You Trust Donald Trump If He Won’t Even Put Trans People IN JAIL?
IN A WORLD ... where Donald Trump says one reasonable thing in a lifetime of saying non-reasonable things, there is one man brave enough to call him out on that thing. And that man...
Treasury Putting Black People And Women All Over Our Money, America Fails To Freak Out
The forces of Political Correctness continue to roll all over our U.S. American money! In addition to making abolitionist, spy, and all-around badass Harriet Tubman the new face of the $20 bill, the Treasury...
Wonkette Business
Would You Like Wonkette In Your Box Every Morning?
How long has it been since you examined your box? Do you like to examine it in the morning, when the sunlight hits it just right? When you examine your box, tell us, is...
Truck Fump! Truck Him Right In His Ear!
Do you, like all sentient beings on the planet, have a violently strong distaste for presidential candidate Donald J. Trump (nee Drumpf)? Of course you do!
Do you, like so very many others, feel the...
The 2016 Wonkette Winter Wonksicle Tour, By The Numbers
Six weeks, 6,000 miles, and one illegal search and seizure later, the Wonkebago has turned back into our Montana driveway, and we're NEVER EVER EVER LEAVING AGAIN, until July. What's that, you want to...
2016 Election Chaos
Wonkette Bazaar
Readers' Choice
Wonkette Nominates Sarah Palin To Be Donald Trump’s Drunk-Ass Speechwriter
Breaking news, and by "breaking" we mean our hearts are BROKEN, because Donald Trump has announced that he's going to try campaigning like a grown-up, instead of like a genocidal megalomaniacal narcissist who's worried...
Sexxxy Richard Branson Says UN Should Drop Drug Policy Of ‘Keep Hitting Yourself’
Richard Branson, famous rich person and repository of some of the world's remaining sexxxiness reserves since the passing of Prince (PBUH), is so MAD, you guys, about the latest United Nations Drug Policy Agreement that...
Ocean About To Run Out Of Bluefin Tuna, Life Not Worth Living Any More
So yeah. That's a thing now. BRB, weeping profusely and lamenting the downfall of everything worthwhile in the universe.
The AP got their hands on a draft summary of a report from International Scientific Committee...
Maine Gov. Paul LePage Explains Death Is Most Effective Overdose Treatment
Maine Gov. Paul LePage, a man with a three-page entry in the book 1000 Reasons Space Aliens Should Vaporize Earth, Just To Be Sure, vetoed a bill Wednesday that would have allowed pharmacists to...
Bristol Palin Knows Who Has A Penis And Who Has A Vagina
It was just another day at the office at Bristol Palin Writin' Stuff Real Good Industries, LLC. Bristol was mad, because her personal assistant had gotten her lunch order wrong. Two KFC Double Downs,...
Phyllis Schlafly Says Michele Bachmann Too Stupid To Be New Phyllis Schlafly
Conservative All-Mother Phyllis Schlafly (yes, she's still alive, stop being so surprised!) revealed Wednesday in an interview with Alex Jones that, in the continuing mishegas over control of the Eagle Forum, the rightwing group...
Wolf Blitzer’s Favorite Prince Songs, Ranked
We all need something to smile about after today's sucky terrible horrible no good very bad news that Prince has gone to join David Bowie in the beglittered, gender-bending celestial choir where the bathrooms...
John Kasich Opposes D.C. Statehood Because, Ew, There Are Democrats There
For a country that was partly founded on the idea of opposing "taxation without representation," it's always been a tad odd that those who live in our very capital, the District of Columbia, pay...
Did A Transgender Try To Watch Pat Robertson Poop?
We are very serious with the journalism question we are asking here. Pat Robertson told his "viewers" on The 700 Club that "so much" of the time, transgender people are big fakers who just want to...
Louisiana Prosecutor Helped Lady Defendants Out Of Criminal Charges, Clothes
Hey, if you're sick of stories about cops behaving badly and getting away with it, how about a change of pace? From Louisiana, we have this nauseating story of a district attorney behaving very...
Prince Will Never Die
What in the hell is wrong with 2016, when it comes to God taking away our greatest icons? TMZ is reporting that Prince has died at age 57:
The artist known as Prince has died ... TMZ...
Can You Hack Up Words As Stupid As Camille Paglia? A Contest!
Readers, it's time for a group project! Camille Paglia, as we all know, is the most insufferably obnoxious writer in the United States of the Entire Universe. As the late great Molly Ivins explained...
Trump Advisor Worried Native Americans Might Get The Bomb And Nuke Montana
Here's your Conspiracy Theory o' the Day (or part of the day, considering how quickly these things are generated): One of Donald Trump's top foreign policy advisors, Joseph Schmitz, a lawyer and former...
Donald Trump Doesn’t Care Where You Pee, As Long As Your Stream Is TREMENDOUS
You guys, Donald Trump, crazy wild-haired circus elephant currently on track to receive the Republican presidential nomination, is correct about a thing. WHOA IF TRUE. And it is true! He told the "Today" show...
Disney Is Trying To Turn Your Daughters So Lezzy
Achtung! Attention! One Million Moms and Todd Starnes and all the other usual idiots have a new tizzy! It seems the Disney program "Once Upon A Time" is gaying up Red Riding Hood and...
Reader Challenge: What Rhymes With ‘Bag Of Salted Rat Dicks’?
A German TV comic faces prison in Germany after insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdoğan on the air with a satirical poem that speculated about Erdoğan's love of sex with ungulates, among other things.
Jan Böhmermann hosts "Neo Magazin" (kind...
A Children’s Treasury Of Wingnut Reactions To Harriet Tubman On The $20 Bill
Wingnut America is rather torn on how to react to Wednesday's news that Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill. The most openly racist nutbags, like the...
Alabama Legislators Cleverly Devise Foolproof Plan To Ban All The Abortions
State legislators in Alabama have a dream. A beautiful dream to ban all the abortion in their state! For today they vote on whether or not to put a referendum on the state ballot...
Tupac Returns From Dead To Talk Smack About Greedy-Ass Donald Trump
It's that time again! It is the end of Hump Day, so it's only appropriate that we shuffle our iTunes machines and post the first 10 songs that come up AT RANDOM, like we...
Harriet Tubman To Grace New $20 Bill, Because Suck It Andrew Jackson
Remember that GOP debate yea however many moons ago, when all the millionteen candidates were asked what American lady they thought would be real sexy for the $10 bill? It was pathetic! They all...
