Cartoonists

FROM THE DK DRAFT ARCHIVES—October 29, 2005
This may have appeared before, in an amended form, but I can't find it in my archives.

An open letter to the editors of every magazine and newspaper in the English language, but most especially Boris Johnson* and Ian Hislop.

Dear Sirs,

Could I ask: why the sodding hell do people continue to hire the cartoonist Heath? Yes, Boris, I'm looking at you particularly. Heath cannot draw (although neither can Fantoni). Heath is not funny (although the traditional "cartoon" was never meant to be laugh-out-loud amusing anyway, merely a sketch). But most heinously, he is not perceptive. He says nothing of either interest or originality. Please stop hiring him, as he is starting to seriously annoy me.

Sorry, what I meant is that, over the last decade (at least), I have found his work to be full of nothing but prosaic banality and lack of talent; he has thus worked me into a rage over a period of many years. Please stop: you demean your rags by printing his rubbish.

Yours faithfully,

DK

P.S. Cartoons about witches or similar Hallowe'en archetypes being held under the Anti-Terror laws are not funny; additionally—and extraordinarily, considering the weak joke involved—they have been overused and are looking somewhat tired. If your magazine is published weekly or bi-weekly, rather than every day, please stop buying these cartoons. They have already been done in every newspaper under the sun.

* Boris was editor of The Spectator at the time. This letter applies just as much to Fat Matt d'Ancona although, because he's transformed it into a tedious load of old crap, I no longer take The Speccie.