Ed Miliband: which losers flushed his head down the loo?

Your humble Devil has been taking a well-earned, enjoyable rest from the sordid, depressing shit-pit that is British politics, and so it was The Appalling Strangeness who alerted me to the fact that David Miliband had admitted that he was a total loser.

Labour leader Ed Miliband has revealed he was a "bit square" as a youth, eschewing drugs and under-age drinking.

In a GQ magazine interview with Piers Morgan, he said his greatest talent was being "good at the Rubik's Cube".

Really? I reckon that Ed cheated by taking the stickers off and putting them back in the desired places. And he probably had to get his mummy to help him with that.

Asked if he had ever been in a fight, he said: "Well, I may have been hit a few times. I went to a tough school."

Oh, I bet you had your head flushed down the loo a few times, eh? Although not enough to drown you like an unwanted kitten, apparently.

The wonder here is that Ed makes David "Batshit"* Miliband look cool—well, relative to his idiot brother that is. And yet David Miliband is actually so massively wonkish and uncool that he makes everyone in the world want to beat him up behind the bike sheds.

Alas, the poor little Greek boy's blog is no longer publically available, so I must delve into my own archives to find Mr Eugenides' classic summing up of David Miliband's status in life.

David Miliband is the sort of guy that we used, in our un-PC schooldays, to describe as a spastic. He was the kid on the chess team that you bullied incessantly (or at least, you did if you were a bully when you were at school; I myself was, er, on the chess team). His is an eminently punchable face; the sort of face you want to grab and hold down in the toilet for flush after gleeful flush, roaring with joy that there are such geeks in the world for you to torment.

But David never stood up and described himself as "square": Ed Miliband has just done so, immediately putting himself lower down the pecking order than his loathsome brother.

So, if David Miliband was "the kid on the chess team that you bullied incessantly" then where does that put Ed Miliband? That's right, Ed Miliband was obviously the twat that the chess team bullied.

In short, Ed Miliband was at the bottom of the pecking order: in fact, I imagine that he was the only boy that it was considered acceptable for David "chess club" Miliband to bully.

Which puts a neat little spin on their relationship, don't you think...?

* Note for newer readers: "batshit" as in "batshit insane". Your humble Devil first used this term to describe Miliband back in July 2006, when the speccy tit was proposing "personal carbon points": it was Dave himself who immortalised it when he quoted my post at The New Statesman New Media Awards a few days later. David Miliband's involvement with the preservation of actual bats, whilst at DEFRA, led to the adoption of Batshit as his name and accompanying tag here at the Kitchen. I have yet to decide on a suitably mocking name for Ed, though "Beaker" is definitely in the running...

Suggestions in the comments, please.

David Miliband: dishonest cunt

David Miliband, lying to a beach, yesterday.

Apparently, David "Batshit" Miliband has been commenting on Jacqui Smith's thieving ways.

Foreign Secretary David Miliband told the BBC's Andrew Marr show: "Jacqui Smith is doing an outstanding job as Home Secretary...

That, of course, is a bare-faced lie, but only what you would expect from a tribal bastard like Batshit; the man lies on reflex. Ask him his name and he would say that it was anything except "David".

"... what I know is that the system has to be much, much clearer than it was in the past.

"That's the purpose of the reforms that are being put into place.

Look, Batshit: you know when you are being dishonest. All of this second homes malarkey... You know, and we know, that whilst MPs, such as Tony McNulty, might be "within the rules" they are, in fact, acting dishonestly and with malice aforethought.

Stop trying to pretend otherwise, you fucking creep.

"The system has to be clear, above all in the interests of the public, so they can have trust and confidence."

I'm sorry, Dave, but how are the public going to have "trust and confidence" in MPs when the public is fully and painfully aware that the only thing stopping MPs from defrauding the taxpayer—even in these straightened times—is "clearer rules"?

Or, as I have said before, is it too much to ask that those who seek to rule us are not completely dishonest? The public know that it is too much to ask, and no amount of clearer systems or more straight-forward rules is ever going to convince them otherwise.

You are all liars and embezzlers, and we have not the slightest respect for you. So why don't you go away and quietly kill yourself, Dave?

I'm sorry, who's a liar?

David "Batshit" Miliband: a quite spectacular cunt, yesterday.

Few people in the entire annals of the sordid, stinking, corrupt, cowardly politics of this country can beat David "Batshit" Miliband for sheer hypocrisy and screaming, speccy evil. And, as you may know, your humble Devil is not completely keen on the devious, unpleasant little shit.

So, it comes as no surprise to find the hideous little shitbag bitching that Russia's actions in Georgia aren't completely above board.

Mr Miliband was speaking in Tbilisi after talks with the Georgian president Mikheil Saakashvili.

"Every day that goes by beyond the deadline of noon yesterday (Monday) is a day that we see Russia not living up to its word," he said at a news conference."

Of course, Mr Miliband, you would never dream of lying like a cunt, would you? You fucking cunt.

You, my dear Batshit, would never dream of promising a referendum on an international treaty—let's call it "the Lisbon Treaty"—and then using weasel words in order to wriggle out of said referendum, would you? You fucking little cunt.

I wouldn't mind your rampant lies quite so much, if you weren't such an incompetent turd. Your tenure at DEFRA was marked by the continuing fuck up of the CAP administration which has led to EU fines of some £350 million (minimum); this, in turn, led to the underspend on flood defences which led directly to the disastrous floods of a couple of years ago.

Despite his enthusiasm for personal carbon points, the tedious little fuckhead was utterly unaware of the advancements made in wave power.

Now this piece of rubbish—a man who believes that countries no longer indulge in "brinksmanship and powerbroking"—is our Foreign Secretary; supposedly this unpleasant little cuntrag is protecting our interests abroad. Actually, he makes us look useless, toothless and pointless.

Dear god, Miliband: I hope that you are swiftly removed from government. But I don't wish death on you; no, not yet—I want to pull the lever myself.

Brown Sugar

There are lots of things that I want to cover, but they will have to wait until I'm feeling more energised. But to tide you over, here is the beginning of the most recent episode of Mock The Week in which everyone takes the piss out of three people that I have utter contempt for: Gordon Brown, David Miliband and Alan Sugar.


Highlight of the programme for me was, again, Frankie Boyle...

"What's the point of replacing Gordon Brown with David Miliband? It's like replacing a copy of the Reader's Digest with an A to Z of Peterborough.

"You may as well elect a nest of tables."

Hahahahaha...

Georgia

About a year ago, I attended one of the Freedom Association's Freedom in the City talks at which the speaker was the Georgian Ambassador to the UK. A few weeks before, a number of rockets had landed in Georgia and, although no one had accepted responsibility, the ambassador was in no doubt as to their provenance—nor was anyone else, for that matter. The ambassador then proceded to predict, pretty accurately, the events of the past week or so (including the EU's craven lack of balls in answering Russian aggression).

The ambassador very much hoped that Georgia—whose people regard themselves as unique but closer to European than Russian—would be allowed to join NATO, as this might be the only thing that would stop eventual invasion by Russia An Unnamed Power.

Today, the Times reminds us of the result of those deliberations.

Of course, many Nato members will consider how, had Georgia already been a member, they would have had to defend it. Germany will win more support for its argument, which dominated the Nato summit in April, that it would be wrong to offer membership for fear of provoking Russia and while its territory remains in dispute. Alarm at this near-war on Europe’s borders will easily persuade more governments of the need for caution.
...

The Nato summit was a clash of philosophies about Europe’s future. On one side was President Bush, making one of his best speeches, about the value of bringing Georgia and Ukraine into Nato as an assertion of common principles. On the other was Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, laying out why this should be postponed, perhaps for ever, even at the cost of undermining the pro-Western camp in Georgia. (British officials let it be known that they were on the American side in sympathy, but as the US would not win, they were “on the side of compromise”.)

So, the main reason for not letting Georgia join a military organisation, the members of which pledge to defend one another in the face of aggression, is that the members of NATO might actually have to defend Georgia in the face of military aggression. This is disgusting cowardice and we might have known that it would be led by the fucking Germans. I'll bet the fucking French backed 'em all the way, as well.

Our government, craven little shits that they are, decided to undermine the American position and side with those screaming turds in the EU, because our state lackeys lack balls. What a bunch of bastards.

As soon as Russia started making moves against the Ukraine and Georgia, i.e. well over a year ago, we should have fast-tracked those countries into NATO as a matter of fucking principle. Unfortunately, the only principle that we seem to be adopting these days is that of appeasement, as articulated by Helen Szamuely in her guest-post at Iain Dale's place.

The further you go in appeasement, the more difficult it gets to stop the bully. We can do nothing for Georgia, though the Americans will be able to supply some technical assistance, such as anti-aircraft missiles. Our best hope is that Russia will get bogged down in another Caucasian war and might want out at a not too distant future.

There are other countries to consider. If Georgia is put under Russian control, its duly elected government is dismissed and the nascent democracy is destroyed, who will be the next on Russia’s list? Ukraine? The Baltic States? Eastern Europe? They are all worried and would like some assurance from their allies (I do not include Germany and France or the EU with its common foreign policy among these) that the same fate will not befall them.

It is time to stand up to the bully. Ukraine’s membership of NATO should be speeded up and Russia should be told that those energy agreements may be up for revision sooner than expected. The Kremlin needs to sell oil and gas and, at present, has no other outlet for it. Russia, we are told, is to be applauded for standing up for her interests. Fine. But it is time we stood up for our interests and, in the process, supported our allies.

I entirely agree, but we will not do so. This is firstly because, logistically (with our military forces spread throughout the world and bogged down in the Middle East), we are in no position to make good on any sabre-rattling—and Russia knows this.

Tied to this is the fact that we know that we would receive no support at best, and active opposition at worst, from our cowardly EU allies who, for all their talk of the civilising effect of the EU and all the claptrap talked about the EU as an effective powerbloc, these bloody little cunts have no stomach for making difficult choices. The EU countries would far rather be left to civilise people by means of petty regulations on banana-curvature or the minutiae of insurance contracts than actually stand up for freedom. There are those, of course, who might do even more than imply that the EU might have some fellow-feeling for the old Soviet Union.

The third reason that we will do nothing is because our Foreign Office is led by a screamingly cowardly policy wonk who genuinely believes that no one is playing power-politics anymore.

A few days ago, I was acting as a Fifth Columnist at the Fabian Society Spring Conference—an amusing account of which Trixy has indulged in. Batshit was giving the keynote speech and it was whilst I was listening to the tail end of his encomium to his own ability that I understood why Britain is in such a shitty position in the world.

You see, Batshit seems genuinely to believe that other countries are no longer indulging in "brinksmanship and powerbroking", and that we have some magical world of mutual co-operation; this is, of course, the kind of dangerously naive attitude that could only be held by a particularly stupid Communist.

If all of our negotiations have been made on the basis that other countries are never trying to screw us over for advantage—and this attitude is one that must have been prevalent in the Foreign Office before Batshit arrived there; he could hardly have established this opinion in the few short months that he has been Foreign Secretary—then it is hardly surprising that we always come off worst. We might as well bend over, hold our collective bumcheeks open and wait for the inevitable, painful arse-raping.

But, of course, our government are too craven even to do that: instead, our FO mandarins are standing by and nodding sagely whilst the Georgians get fucked. And, as Helen pointed out, who's next? Whichever state it is, we can be pretty sure that we will still stand by and watch them get fucked too; if we are feeling particularly daring, we may be able to sneak some lube in so that their raping will not be as painful as it might otherwise be, but we will do nothing to stop said violation.

What though, will happen if the Russians decide to target an EU nation? Estonia perhaps? Perhaps there will be a bright side to that for I believe that the EU will do nothing, even then. And then the illusion of the EU powerbloc will be shattered and all will come tumbling down.

And then, maybe, we in Britain might finally be able to take back our collective balls and start standing up for our allies.

Don't hold your breath...

Polly and Trixy: partners in lust

The villagers called it a castle, but in truth it was more of a manor house of the faux mediaeval type that had become so popular in the Elizabethan age, sharing its black wood-beams and white plasterwork with towering, crenellated walls and even a tower or two (though they were a poor sort of tower dwarfed, as they were, by the distinctively tall chimneys of the time).

The inevitable passing of the years, coupled with a degree of proud Champagne-socialist neglect, had dirtied the plaster and eroded the mortar, giving the brick walls a delicate, spikey look. The gardens were riotous and thick with weeds though still bearing, even after so many centuries, the rigid lines, concealed gazebos, elaborate walls, facades, ha-has and faded glory of expensive, structured landscaping.

In short, the residence was certainly quaint and, some would say, actually beautiful in a bright, care-free way; its quiet aesthetic and romantic remoteness might lead many a reclusive millionaire to desire it. But the villagers would still never approach "the castle", for fear of the hideous being that lived within the crenellated walls...

They called the creature "The Milipede", in hushed tones, though few could now remember the reason for this curious monicker; it had none of the anonymous terror associated with a name such as "The Thing", nor the appeasing quality that led the ancients to refer to the Erinyes as "the Kindly Ones". All that was known was that the occupant was unbearably hideous, that it was simply known as The Milipede—a word used to send a thrilling chill down the spines of the children and adult alike—and that was that.

But tonight all of that would change...

Had one dared to hide away in the great hallway of the castle one might have crouched closer to the wall, pulling the great brocade curtain tighter around oneself, as from far away—but drawing steadily ever closer—came the sounds of a shuffling gait and a barely audible muttering. And as the ears adjusted and the source of the sounds approached, one would be able to make out the words, "they calls me hideous, yeeeees they do; but not after tonight, David. Oh no, after tonight, David shall be known as The Adonis, The Sexinessssssssss, oh yeeees."

And, were you hidden behind said curtain, one might have cautiously drawn it aside—just the merest bit—and stuck one's fist in one's mouth to stifle the involuntary scream engendered by the hideousness of the beast—David?—approaching. For what one might have seen through the curtain was The Milipede itself...

It seemed to resemble a man but the body was thin and horribly twisted—the long, disfigured limbs, all of which were used for locomotion, moved at strange angles giving the creature a definite arachnoid appearance. The beast had, it seemed, attempted to ape the styles of men for it wore a dark suit, white shirt and red tie on its misshapen frame and the incongruousness of its dress might have led one to giggle at the ludicrousness of the animal. Until one saw the face.

There was something so ordinary about that face and yet it was quite terrifying; the features lent the superficial normality a preternaturally terrifying aspect, subverting the humanity into something quite, quite appalling and other-wordly. The eyes were empty and yet large, magnified behind thick glasses; the nose looked pinched and uneven at the edges, as though the nostrils had been nibbled by rats. But it was the wide mouth that was truly unpleasant: it writhed across the near-human face as though it were independently alive—as though it were some hideous parasite, symbiotically bound to the face upon which it crawled and from which it uttered those strangely coherent ramblings.

Had you been concealed behind that curtain, you would have crouched in fear and trepidation as the nightmare shuffled past, pushed open a door and started the painful descent into the cellars that ran like catacombs below the house.

It seems like a cliché to describe the laboratory in the cellars beneath the house; if you have seen any horror movies, you will be able to envision the bunsen burners, the collected, connecting glassworks, condensers and wires. You will already be able to see the blue sparks jumping from the incessantly turning Van de Graaf generators and various connecting pieces of polished metal. And, of course, it would be superfluous to describe the bubbling coloured liquids boiling in the test-tubes and flasks, and the strange glowing progress of the said solutions through the hamster-run of pyrex tubes that ranged around and about the dimply-lit room.

Nevertheless, it was into such a room that the creature descended and you might—had you been fast and quiet and lucky—be concealed behind some particularly large piece of apparatus hidden in the densest of shadows. Wonderingly, you might have looked around and wondered what all of this was for and you might have an inkling that, tonight of all nights, you were about to find out.

The event itself you might have thought something of an anti-climax. The creature shuffles eagerly to one bench and, taking a Green low-energy bulb from an inner pocket, screws it into the lamp on said table. The bulb's pathetic light barely alleviates the gloom, but you would have heard The Milipede cackle in satisfaction. The monster then progresses to a small remote control and, pointing it at a machine, presses a button. Nothing happens.

"Fuck," screams the creature. "No stand-by." It hobbles across to the machine and pushes the power button and the contraption springs into life. Lights blink on and banks of controls flicker into life. Through the window of an upright coffin-like contraption, you can see a pale blue light hum on.

"At last," The Milipede breaths, "The economic storm is here! Now is my time."

Shuffling over to the coffin, The Milipede enters and the door slowly closes behind him and, with a hiss, seals itself. Had you been there, you would have felt a steady pressure building in your head and an almost unnoticed tone strumming in your ears and then...

A FLASH of almost blinding light!

And then you might have seen the coffin door click, jerk and then swing slowly open and then something emerge. And you would have gasped in wonder...

Not since the first butterfly emerged from that first cocoon has there been such an incomprehensible transformation, for gone is the hideous creature that entered the coffin and in its place stands the most beautiful man that you have ever seen.

Gone is the bowl-like haircut, the thick glasses are no more; the nose is straight and the mouth retains only the smallest vestiges of the evil that once lived in it. Before you stands a veritable god, an Adonis.

Were you Trixy or Polly, you might feel the dampness between your legs as your pussy juices start to flow uncontrollably. You might slip a finger or two past the waistband of your pants, stroking your clit in a desperate attempt to relieve the uncontrollable sexual desire that you now feel and, finding that it is not enough, suddenly and desperately cram more fingers deep into your gushing hole to simulate the cock that you so desire filling your emptiness.

You would see the tall figure straighten itself yet more, stretch its arms out, and then the piercing eyes would glance in your direction, looking straight at you. Your inbuilt fear fights with your sexual need and you find yourself paralysed by indecision.

But then the man breaks the tension: "You can come out now, my dear; only I can give you what you need." You break from your hiding place and run across the laboratory to this god. His strong, straight arms enfold you and suddenly you are kissing and kissing hard, lost in the ecstasy as you feel his fingers slipping down to where yours once were. You moan and break the kiss, hoisting yourself onto the bench behind you, opening your legs to allow The Milipede entry; he unzips his trousers and you gasp in ecstasy as he thrusts hard into you...

Even as he is satisfying you, The Milipede's mouth writhes across his face in something resembling a smile as you realise that he possesses you, heart and soul...

Of course, were you Polly you might, alternatively, just write ridiculous encomiums such as this.

Suddenly everything changed. The burst of optimism was so startling it dazzled those too long trapped deep in a dungeon. In that one moment it was all over for the old leader who had plunged them into these depths. Suddenly here was the chance of escape everyone was waiting for.

David Miliband stepped up as the man with a plan to take the fight to the Tories, the man to free the party from the bondage of disastrous leadership. With the deftest of brush strokes in his Guardian article, he painted the policies of optimism. Any gleam of hope looks like a blinding revelation to a party stuck at a terrifying 25% in the polls. But here was a sketched outline of radical policies. Judging from an avalanche of emails pouring in, out there Labour people are ready to return if the party offers something better.

He set a small stone rolling down the hill, its effect unpredictable: already it has become a boulder. His press conference and performance on the Jeremy Vine Show gave his party the chance to look at him in a new light. His breezy ease was at odds with previous awkward appearances - notably a bad speech at the last Labour conference. He dismissed suspicion that this silver-spoon-fed political princeling hadn't the guts to reach for the sword in the stone, nor the muscle, the will or the street-fighting canniness for power.

But though she might substitute the pen for the overt physical invitation, make no mistake: this is Polly opening her legs for Batshit Miliband. She has changed the locks to her house—the big Norse Warrior stands alone and frustrated on her doorstep, desperately attempting to get the lock to turn—and David has found a letter containing only a bright, newly-cut key, an address and enthusiastic promises of "a good time, big boy!"

And Trixy is, frankly, even less subtle...

Turn, turn again, Batshit...

Sam Tarran is not a fan of Batshit Miliband...

I would love for Miliband to become Labour leader. I would adore it. I would toast it. I would dance to it and consume my girlfriend’s lips over it. For although I feel a (very, very) slight degree of sympathy for Brown’s predicament, there would be no greater pleasure for me than seeing the MSM rip the innards out of Miliband and dangle them jeeringly before him as he screams and begs for the electorate to put him out of his misery.

Does anyone like Miliband? Other than his mother, of course.

At least, I assume that his mother loves him...

Batshit: battered to shit

As regular readers of The Kitchen (if there are any left after my recent longeurs) will be aware your humble Devil is most emphatically not a fan of David "Batshit" Miliband; I think that he is an odious little turd with all of the intelligence and charisma of a lump of dog-shit.

Few have so succinctly summed up Batshit as pithily as the poor little Greek boy in this barn-storming encomium to the chinless wonder that is our Foreign Secretary.

David Miliband is the sort of guy that we used, in our un-PC schooldays, to describe as a spastic. He was the kid on the chess team that you bullied incessantly (or at least, you did if you were a bully when you were at school; I myself was, er, on the chess team). His is an eminently punchable face; the sort of face you want to grab and hold down in the toilet for flush after gleeful flush, roaring with joy that there are such geeks in the world for you to torment. Cameron, for all that he comes across as a toff, is seen by many neutral observers as a likeable kind of bloke. Miliband, on the other hand, looks like what he is; a policy wonk with no friends.

However, what I hadn't considered is the proposition put forward by ChickenYoghurt: that Batshit might be the personification of the American Dream translated to our own fair isle.

Part of the American Dream, or at least used to be before you needed millions and millions of dollars to do it, is that anybody can become President.

After watching Foreign Secretary David Miliband’s unbelievably poor appearance on Question Time last night, I wonder if we’re not importing the idea into Britain. You read and listen to the political gossips touting Miliband as a future Labour leader and Prime Minister and you realise: Yes! It’s perfectly apparent that literally anybody could become Prime Minister.
...

You watch him and it gives hope for us all. Who couldn’t be that feckless and inarticulate and evasive and mealy-mouthed and weaselly?

It's an interesting thesis and here, via Mike Power, is a taster of just how vulnerable Batshit is; watch with delight as Peter Hitchens rips the bastard a new arsehole.

Rather beautiful, no?

Brooker on Miliband

Via Politicalog (welcome back, Allan!), I find Charlie Brooker writing his usual tripe, but contained within said excretion are a few lines of amusement. [Emphasis mine.]

According to tradition, you're supposed to get more rightwing as you grow older, as wide-eyed youthful idealism is gradually replaced with growling, frightened, fat-arsed self-interest. I say "gradually", but what worries me is the thought that such a transformation could occur with terrifying speed, a real Damascene conversion. I came close once after glimpsing David Miliband on TV: I couldn't hear what he was saying, but something about his face—just his sodding face—revolted me on a deep and primal level. It was chilling, unsettling—like watching a haunted ventriloquist's dummy slowly turn its head through 360 degrees. "Who is this grinning homunculus," I thought, "and what does he want from me?"

This either means my genes are shifting, or Miliband is a rightwing imposter. Or maybe he's simply not of this world. Perhaps I merely behaved like a farm animal reacting to an extraterrestrial intruder—howling in distress without knowing why.

Ghastly and nightmarish though Miliband may be, he's got nothing on gloomy Gordon Brown, who increasingly resembles a humourless, imposing old butler slowly creaking the mansion door open in a Frankenstein movie. Prime Minister Igor, the shuffling fun-free zone.

Strangely—although it is hinted at in the article's title: "Labour leaders are starting to revolt me as much as Tories always have. Am I becoming rightwing?"—young master Brooker makes no mention of the many rumours of Miliband challenging the Gobblin' King for the leadership of the Labour Party.

But should that day come, I look forward to Charlie's fucking head exploding...

We the people...

Via Trixy, this video of a bunch of Lefties (I assume, since it is mostly filmed at the Fabian Society Conference last Saturday) badgering the brothers Miliband and Hilary Benn about the EU Reform Treaty is highly entertaining.


Much as I tend to think that Benn senior is wrong on just about every issue—and when he's right, it's usually for the wrong reasons—he is entirely correct about the sovereignty of the people.

We lend our power to Parliament for five years; at the end of that term, they are required to give those powers back. If, however, those powers have been given away, then they have broken that contract.

I have said it before and I'll say it again: we are ruled by scum. Let's hang them all.

Batshit still a lying traitor

David Miliband: traitor, cunt and all round fucking demon.

Young Master Hannan has a good post up today on the continuing saga of the EU Constitution.

Is there anyone out there who just happens independently to come to the view that the European Constitution Lisbon Treaty is a Good Thing? Without being paid to say that, I mean?

No. Oh, apart from Nick Clegg.

I blogged recently about the way in which the EU likes to say it has consulted “civic society” when all it has done is talk to a number of front organisations funded by itself. Now, it seems the British Foreign Minister is doing something similar.

Defending the European Constitution Lisbon Treaty at the Dispatch Box yesterday, David Miliband told MPs:

“The NSPCC pledged its support, as have One World Action, Action Aid and Oxfam”.

He added:

“Environmental organisations support the treaty provisions on sustainable development and even the commission of bishops supports the treaty. This is a coalition not of ideology, but integrity”.

Oh, really? All I can think is that Batshit has an entirely different definition of integrity from mine.

Is it just me, or are the NSPCC, One World Action, Action Aid and Oxfam unelected NGOs who should have precisely no fucking say in how this country is run?

But.... But, think of the chiiildren. Fuck the children.

What about the others? Well, I’ve just put down a written question to the Commission asking whether they have had any dosh. I’ll keep you posted.

The answer, Dan, readily available on the internet, is that all of these so-called charities are up to their eyeballs in EU and state funding. Let's start with EU Referendum's information on the NSPCC, shall we?

Quite why the NSPCC is so enthusiastic about the EU, however, is not immediately apparent until one realises that it is a founder member of the European Children's Network (EURONET). This in the past has received funding from the EU commission, and will no doubt do so again in the future.

The NSPCC has also received EU funding for its Childline project, which is channelled through the commission's DAPHNE Programme. That programme has a budget of €50 million for 2004-2008, with €10.5 of offer for this spending year – funding a diverse range of NGOs in the child protection industry.

In other words, the NSPCC has its fingers in the EU pie up to its armpits. Its "third-party support" is simply another example of the EU buying up NGOs to extend its influence into organised civil society.

So, the NSPCC are hardly the impartial observers that Batshit would like us to believe that they are: in fact, they have been bought, and they are steeped in corruption.

What about Oxfam? Well, they are heavily funded by the British taxpayer so you would definitely expect them to toe the government line. I am busy researching whether they receive EU money or not, but given that Oxfam's Jenny O'Brien sits on the EC Funding Group Steering Group of Bond, which allocates EU money.

As for Bond, the "umbrella group for anti-poverty groups", its EU affiliations are even more transparent. It is one of these "network" organisations so beloved of the EU, formed in June 1993, on the initiative of 61 NGOs, and now has over 300 members. Much of its activity is in fact advising its members on how to obtain EU funds, for which purpose it has even set up a specific unit called the EC Funding Group [Word .doc].

Through Bond, however, these 300 members link with Concord, the European NGO confederation for Relief and Development. It consists of 42 member organisations: 20 international networks and 22 national platforms. Its aims are "to co-ordinate the political actions of NGOs for Relief and Development at European level and to stimulate exchanges of information among NGOs but also with the European institutions."
...

These are all part of this vast network of influence, all buying into the "project". And having been nurtured by the EU, the EU is calling in its marker, expecting them to spring forward to help the British government defend the new treaty, pretending to be independent "third-party support".

And that's by no means all: go and read the rest. Like the NSPCC, Oxfam are utterly corrupt. It is an entirely safe bet that all of the other NGOs quoted by Miliband are also hosed down—indirectly or, more likely, directly—with EU cash.

What about One World Action? Well, here's the details of their grants from their 2006/2007 Annual Report [PDF].


Oh, look! Over £1.3 million from the DFID and... wow! I wonder what that European Community entry could possibly mean...?

And what about Action Aid? Well, luckily, I've been able to have a quick scan of their accounts too.


Oh, lookee here! Funding from the British taxpayer—check. Funding from the European Union—check. Wow! What a massive fucking coincidence! Really, who would have though that all of the charities named by Miliband as being in support of the EU Constitution Lisbon Treaty would derive massive amounts of funds from the UK government and the EU? If I were a more cynical person, I might believe that... No, no: I'm not that uncharitable. That would never happen, would it?

But what about the worshipful bishops that Miliband quotes? Well, leaving aside the fact that people who believe in a big fucking imaginary sky-fairy may bot be the most sane or rational people to consult on.... well... anything, as Hannan reports, they are not all that they seem either.

I’d never heard of the “Commission of Bishops” before. A good deal of googling revealed that its full name is the “Commission of the Bishops’ Conferences of the European Community”. According to the ecclesiastical blog, Archbishop Cranmer, “it is a Roman Catholic-led ecumenical body which is financed by the European Union to produce reports singing the praises of said union with all glory, laud and honour,” and its stated objectives are:

• To monitor and analyse the political process of the European Union


• To inform and raise awareness within the Church of the development of EU policy and legislation


• To promote reflection, based on the Church’s social teaching, on the challenges facing a united Europe

Yup: an organisation funded by the EU believes—get this—that the EU should have more power.

Who would'a thunk it?

And who would have thought that that evil little demon, Miliband, would possibly quote a whole load of third parties, in support of this Treaty, who were directly or indirectly funded both by the EU and his party's government, eh?

What a mendacious sack of shit he is.

Noreen on Batshit

It is not often that politics graces the sweary pages of Emerald Bile, so I feel that this comment should be celebrated.

Bollocks—the internet is for porn and shopping, but even if you were concerned that other people might think you were going off to learn Sanskrit, join in on the economist forum or read David Milliband's blog, using a double article just isn't going to make you look more down to earth, it is simply going to make you look like an almighty chopper. And don't get me started on David Milliband—he's a fucking anus. Anybody even thinking of looking at his blog should be shot through the hole.

I wonder if looking at his blog only so that one can fisk, in fine detail, Batshit's tedious fucking wonk-speak is a mitigating factor...?

Dear Foreign Secretary...

Prodicus has a superb post up, excoriating that fucking little cunt, Batshit, for his treason.

I write to explain why I shall be among thousands of angry and despairing British citizens attending the Referendum Rally in London on Saturday 27th October and why I and others now urge our fellow citizens to overturn hundreds of years of highly developed Parliamentary tradition and demand a national plebiscite on the Reform Treaty.

In refusing us our referendum, you repeatedly say that Britain is a Parliamentary democracy; that the British people have chosen to send representatives to Parliament and to allow themselves to be governed by their decisions; that it is not our national tradition to resort to referenda. (You wish us to overlook the fact that it is your political party which has repeatedly used referenda when you have found it convenient, and you cannot possibly imagine the contempt in which you and your associates are whenever you dishonestly pray in aid 'tradition'. Your government has done more than any other in recent centuries to destroy our traditions, jeopardising coherent governance and the integrity of the nation itself.)

But you are right - we have not customarily used referenda. However, something so fundamental has changed because of your government's actions that we have no choice but to use the referendum to preserve our democracy and our right to self-determination.

What has changed, Foreign Secretary, is our Parliament. Your government has rendered it incapable of representing the people and acting in the nation's best interest. Your government, Foreign Secretary, is in the process of forcing Parliament itself to betray us. We no longer trust our Government, formed from the members of our Parliament, nor our ancient Parliamentary process, and for the very simplest of reasons.

You and the Prime Minister intend to castrate our Parliament by giving away to the European Union the power which was loaned to you by the British people in order that you could protect and defend us. You intend to pass this power, permanently and beyond recovery, to a foreign power while knowing exactly what you are doing and while lying about it to us even as you do it. You are doing this this not only without our consent but against what you know to be our wishes.

Your government has become a dictatorship. You are following the same pattern as dictators throughout history: you have accepted the acclaim of the people and then turned the power they have given you into the means to ignore and oppress them...

Do go and read the whole letter: beautifully written, concise and compelling, it is a true crie de coeur and one that all too many of us wish we might have penned.

Your humble Devil will be there, on Saturday, marching in the Pro-Referendum Rally: join us! And maybe we should sort out some kind of meet-up involving copious amounts of drink...

Batshit: traitor turd

Batshit is busy attempting to defend his lord and master's decision to give away all but the last (temporary) vestiges of Britain's powers by trotting out the old "representative democracy" canard.

David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, claimed that demands for a popular vote are based on "scare stories and myths" and that referendums were the "refuge of dictators and demagogues".

Well, as Nation of Shopkeepers points out, "it was Blair who put one in their manifesto, after all."

"We have a parliamentary democracy. We elect MPs every four of five years, the people elect us to do a job. If they like it they re-elect us if they don’t kick us out," he said.

EU Referendum emphasises that we do not merely elect MPs.

Miliband is, of course, talking about that quaint British tradition of having general elections, but we do more than simply "elect MPs". The essential part of the process is that we elect a government, through the mechanism of electing MPs from one party more than another, who are then able to take the reins of power.

However, it is as well that Miliband failed to mention this part of the process as, once his "reform" treaty is in place, we will indeed only be electing MPs. With our central government in Brussels, we will not be able to change that – it does not have to suffer the indignities and inconveniences of things like elections.

Thus, in effect, the next general election will not be the same as those preceding it. It will, in effect, be an electorally mandated reshuffle. The faces at the despatch box may well then be different, but the government will be the same.

But to approach Miliband on his own terms, what he says is demonstrably dodging the issue; let us look at it again.

"We have a parliamentary democracy. We elect MPs every four of five years, the people elect us to do a job. If they like it they re-elect us if they don’t kick us out," he said.

There are a couple of problems with what Miliband claims.

The first is that, with so much of our law made in Brussels, the most that our government—or MPs, as Batshit would have it—can do is to tinker at the edges. Thus, it doesn't really matter which fat-arsed, corrupt cuntwipe we elect, we still get the same rulers (which is more or less the point that EU Referendum was making). But, at least in past times, if we didn't like what a government had done, then we could elect a new lot who could reverse those changes.

And here comes the crucial bit. One of the absolute cornerstones of our representative, Parliamentary democracy is that no government can bind a successor government. This is not the case with EU law: in effect, what this government signs and enacts into law does bind the successor governments (at least until such time as some party has the balls to get us out of this shithole).

Thus, what Batshit claims is irrelevent; it matters not that we don't like the way in which they do their job and kick them out because the way that they do their job now binds the future government: no matter that we did not like what they did, THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

On these grounds alone we should have a referendum on every, single EU Treaty ever. Unfortunately, this Reform Treaty is self-amending; there will be no more treaties and no more referendums. And, eventually, no more Britain.

Welcome to the brave new world.

Mark Mardell and "shall"...

Mark Mardell reports that Britain have been able to change one thing in the Treaty.

There has been one minor change. The Foreign Office has managed to remove the word "shall" from a passage about national parliaments' obligations to support the European Union.

You may recall that I went and saw Miliband being grilled by the Foreign Affairs Select Committee and the word "shall" was crucial to the argument.

The paragraph in question runs something along the lines of "national governments shall further the aims of the EU."

The Committee were, rightly, slightly wary of this paragraph which, many of them felt, in the context in which it was set obligated the British Parliament to place the interests of the EU first and foremost.

Miliband argued that it did no such thing, and that "shall" represented no obligation, only that the British government could help the EU achieve its aims if it felt like it.

This is, of course, patent bullshit of the kind that we have come to expect from this lying, unpleasant, boring, sack of shit, policy-wonk cunt. In a legal document—which, I shall remind you, this treaty is—"shall" quite obviously denotes a legal obligation (or so my lawyer friends say).

I mean, if a judgement says that Mr A shall pay x damages to Mr B, that does not mean "Mr A shall pay x damages to Mr B if he fucking well feels like it". It means that Mr A will pay x damages to Mr B or there will be trouble.

So, the big question is, of course, what has the word "shall" been changed to? Unfortunately, Mark Mardell is not able to tell us, it seems. This is a pity, because it is an absolutely crucial point.

My opinion? That "shall" has been changed to a form of wording that means "will", just for the avoidance of doubt.

Oh, and if you like to see how EUphiles argue, i.e. playing the man and not the ball, do have a look at the comments on Mardell's entry. I particularly enjoyed this comment from some utter cunt called Kevin Burns.

The way English people talk about the EU, you would be forgiven for thinking they didn't know that the EU is the main reason for their post-war prosperity, from 1945 onwards.

Britain likes to bite the hand that feeds it.

Fucking hellski! Unable to bite my tongue, I left the following comment, so we'll see if it gets through moderation...

Extraordinary how the EUphiles on this site stay true to form: only with those people will you get such a concentration of ad hominems.

@Kevin Burns.
Don't be ridiculous. Our prosperity since 1945 is due to the EU? That's odd, since the EEC was only formed in 1957 and we only joined in 1972.

I do suggest that all of you look at the facts. Here are some, for starters.

The UK is the fifth largest economy in the world and the third largest trading economy.

80% of our trade is internal, i.e. within the UK.

Only 10% of our trade and services are exported to the EU (that is about £100 billion a year).

This is, coincidentally, roughly what the EU costs us in regulation, direct contributions and lost opportunity costs, as estimated by both Civitas and the economist, Patrick Minford.

Were we to leave the EU, we could have a trading partnership (which is what we were told we were joining in 1972) with none of the associated costs, e.g. Switzerland and Norway.

In addition we would, for instance, be able to take up other trade offers, e.g. the free trade agreement that the US offered us, as a thank you for our support on the WoT, in 2003. We were not able to take up that offer, because the EU controls our foreign trade policy.

There is no economic case for remaining in the EU, especially when the Commission's own figures show that the benefits of the Single Market are 200 billion Euro and the cost of regulation to business is 600 billion Euro.

Political case? Well, you might argue that. However, I think that Britain would have a far higher status as a free-trade country that is part of the wider world, and not a frustrated subsidiary of a waning EU powerblock.

Of course, if any of you EUphiles have any figures to hand, rather than simple insults and smears, I would be happy to look at them. And then tear them apart.

But I have never yet met a EUphiles who understands economics, let alone be able to argue a case for the EU built on it.

DK

Ignorant, fanatical fuckwits like Kevin Burns really grip my shit: if anyone knows him in real life, please punch him in the fucking face for me, would you?

Considerably Batshitter than EU

I have just been invited to go along to a little conference where Batshit Miliband ma. will talk to us all about the EU. Which will be fun.

Now, the big question is: shall I wear my newly arrived Devil's Kitchen T-shirt with "Politicians: hang them all" written, in big red letters, on the back?

Via Guido, I can barely contain my wild excitement! In fact, I'm so excited and I just can't hide it; I think I'm going to lose control and I think I like it!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Batshit is back—and this time, he's got company! Fucking hell, it's the A Team of FCO blogging. How will we inarticulate bastards cope now that this eloquent visionary is back—back to eclipse our own poor efforts?

Oh Joy! Oh Rapture!

Mr Charisma is resurrecting his blog.

Reaching for the drinks cabinet...

Well, the Gobblin' King has organised his new Cabinet and it's apparently a "Cabinet of the talents". The details are as follows.

• Prime minister: Gordon Brown


• Chancellor: Alistair Darling


• Foreign Secretary: David Miliband


• Home Secretary: Jacqui Smith


• Health: Alan Johnson


• Schools and children: Ed Balls


• Innovation, universities and skills: John Denham


• Justice: Jack Straw


• Commons leader: Harriet Harman


• Defence and Scotland: Des Browne


• International Development: Douglas Alexander


• Work and Pensions: Peter Hain


• Northern Ireland: Shaun Woodward


• Chief secretary to the Treasury: Andy Burnham


• Cabinet office minister: Ed Miliband


• Culture: James Purnell


• Olympics: Tessa Jowell


• Transport: Ruth Kelly


• Lords leader: Baroness Ashton


• Attorney General: Baroness Scotland


• Environment: Hilary Benn


• Chief Whip: Geoff Hoon


• Business and enterprise: John Hutton


• Housing minister (attending Cabinet when needed): Yvette Cooper


• Communities: Hazel Blears


• Children and youth justice: Beverley Hughes


• Africa, Asia and UN: Lord Malloch Brown

Your humble Devil has to admit that he was wrong when he predicted that Miliband would stay at DEFRA and that he would get the Energy Portfolio when the DTI was disbanded—mea culpa.

Never mind, Batshit has posted on his blog, announcing the good news.

As you will have heard, the new Prime Minister has asked me to take on new responsibilities as Foreign Secretary. Of course I am honoured to take up this new post.

The last 15 months have been hugely challenging and hugely enjoyable - and I hope we have made a difference. The new mechanisms for political engagement and dialogue represented by this blog are needed more than ever.

Thank you for reading, commenting and arguing over the last 15 months. It may take some time for new service to be resumed, but please watch this space.

Oh great: are we to assume that the taxpayer will have to fork out another £6,000 to set up his new blog at the Foreign Office?

I still think I'm right in that Miliband's Green Crusade is completely genuine. As such, I fully expect him to continue poncing around the world, dictating to various world leaders how they should control emissions. Personally, I hope that the USA, at the very least, do actually flush his head down the toilet. Repeatedly. And then debag the whinging little scrote.

One interesting thing to note about the list above is that the DTI seems to be now known as "Business and enterprise", so perhaps the department is going to be downscaled. Or perhaps it is merely a tacit acknowledgement that, as members of the EU, we don't control our own Trade policy anymore and so having a department responsible for it is completely pointless.

The rest of it? Well, who cares? It's another bunch of bastards to lay into I suppose, with the Gobblin' King sitting like a spider in the centre of it all...

UPDATE: Dizzy is obviously thinking along the same lines.

In Brown's Britain we no longer have the Department of Trade and Industry but instead the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform. What's the betting it will interfere with business, stifle enterprise and implement red tape?

As Ronald Reagan once said, "the nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

A good point well made there, I think...

UPDATE2: here are some pictures of the freeloading bastards. Fucking hell, you wouldn't want to meet any of those bastards down a dark alley at night, would you?

A missive from Miliband

An email correspondent sends me the following letter. Since it is titled "LETTER TO BE PUBLISHED", I have.

Department for Environment, Food And Rural Affairs (East Midlands)
(DEFRA) Carbon calculator - letter from David Miliband - Derbyshire

LETTER TO BE PUBLISHED

Dear Sir,

I know readers in Derbyshire increasingly want to do their bit to help combat climate change - and knowing about your carbon footprint is a good way to start.

That's why we have this week launched a new online CO2 calculator, where people can find out their carbon footprint. The calculator will also suggest the practical steps we can take to cut our emissions and, often, save some money as well.

Things we do in our everyday lives have an effect - good or bad - on the environment. And more than 40 per cent of the UK's carbon dioxide emissions come from our homes and travel.

Most of us have become a bit greener already - for example, nearly all of us are into recycling now - but there are lots of other things we can do to reduce our impact on climate change.

Whatever your lifestyle, the Act on CO2 calculator will give you practical pointers about how to cut your emissions, tailored to the way you live.

To check out your carbon footprint, and find out what you can do about it, log on to: http://www.direct.gov.uk/actonCO2


David Miliband
Environment Secretary
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
London
SW1P 3JR

Of course, you can replace Derbyshire with every other Midlands county across the country: Batshit has. Such a pity that the website address given—http://www.direct.gov.uk/actonCO2—takes an age to load—about 3 minutes by my watch—before finally resolving to http://actonco2.direct.gov.uk/

But can I now calculate my CO₂ footprint with the amazing carbon calculator?


Website text reproduced below:

Welcome

Thanks very much for visiting the carbon calculator - we really value your interest. So that we are able to ensure your journey through the calculator is as quick and efficient as possible and because it is proving so popular we are currently expanding the site's capacity.

It will be raring to go shortly, so please visit again.

Er, no. Count me down as one very gutted Devil.

Having said that, of course, given the paucity of people who visit just about every other government site, that we all pay well over the odds for because the fucking government wouldn't know a good deal if it jumped up and bit an MP in the knackers, perhaps the fact that the Carbon Calculator has had so many people interested is a bonus.

It might have been nice, of course, it the site hadn't been been so poorly built that the developers didn't allow for scaleability; we are probably now paying through the nose, doubly, for development that should have been done in the first place, for fuck's sake.

Oh dear, Batshit "Wikid" Miliband does not seem to be doing too well technology-wise; but can one blame him? He is, after all, so fucking spastic that he has to pay someone to upload his blog posts. And he is probably one of the more tech-savvy ministers.

Remind me, how much of our money are these technical illiterates pissing away every year on their vanity projects?