Australian Comedian in the Melbourne Comedy Gala Festival 2006, discussing accents. Some of those who are interested in the script or find it hard to understand, out of the kindness of my heart (well mainly out of procrastination and lack of motivation with my life), I've got the transcript typed up below. Freely point out if some of the words are wrong. I am aware that as Australians we do have the most annoying accent on the planet. I am sure you are aware of, for we all do. If you're aware we all go up at the end of every sentence, cause we're all too insecure to actually make a statement. So we have to make it sound like it's a question. Cause we secretly need your approval. Even when it's something serious. "Suzzy got eaten by a shark." I'm afraid there going to be high court judgers in 30 years time handing out verdicts going "I found you guilty of murder." And you know what we do here in Australia? I didn't realize 'till we went overseas. We ask questions that don't need answering. "How nice was the weather today?" I didn't know we did that until I got to England. I was with a group of English people "Oh, how heavy is that rain?" They just looked at me.. "Really heavy?" I think Jesus might've been an Australian. I think Jesus might've been a Aussie and we've just been reading his scriptures with the wrong inflection. Maybe Jesus walked out in the Sermon of the Mount and just went "Ohh, how blessed are the meek?" And of course the irony of it all is that we're always so arbituary about the languages we speak in Australia. We were almost colonised by the French. In fact we were almost colonized by the Dutch. The Dutch arrived in the 1600s but they arrived in the part of Western Australia when desert basically meets ocean. The Dutch basically walked off their ships and walked around going "Well this is ridiculous...we cannot grow marihuana crops here." They sailed off. The French arrived 150 or so years later, but they arrived in Botany Bay, next to city harbour but kinda like swampy, marshland. The French looked around going "Well I agree with the Dutch, this place is shit. [mimics French]" They sailed off. Captain Cook arrived in Botany Bay but in a rare display of British optimism. He looked around and went "Well it is a bit shit, but I think if we go around the corner if might be nicer." Although to be fair, I have done my research, Captain Cook would not have sounded like that. Cause Captain Cook actually came from Yorkshire, which means the first words heard by English people upon sailing to Australia would've been "This place is focking shite!"

• published: 02 Jan 2008
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