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Ok, ThanksTales of useless spellcheck suggestions keep coming. "As a teacher in 1990," recalls Michael Downes, of Cronulla, "I had shown my principal how to use a word processor. He asked about spellcheck – much less sophisticated in those days. I showed him, but advised him to use it carefully. A week later, he showed me a letter he'd composed to his boss, a Mrs Vicki Tanzer. The spellchecker had renamed her Mrs Vicissitude Tantrums. Luckily, he had followed my advice to proofread."
Normal transmission has been resumed. Now, back to early morning alerts for people who might find themselves in the wrong room at dawn (Column 8, last week).
Curse the modern world, and most particularly, the shadowy spellcheck.
Everything that could be wrong with this... is.
"The guesthouse to which Eric Shackle refers," writes Michael Morton-Evans, of Mosman (Be in the right bed at the right time, Column 8, since Tuesday), "was in fact the Carrington Hotel in Katoomba, where a sign on the first-floor staircase read 'Guests are requested to be in their own rooms by the breakfast gong'." John Frith, of Paddington, begs to differ, insisting that it was the Hydro Majestic at Medlow Bath. Perhaps it was a romantic tradition across the Blue Mountains.
"In an Oxford to Cambridge boat race," writes Geoffrey Toon, of Wagstaffe (Column 8, since Saturday), "I will be backing the crew that takes the inland canal route, Oxford Canal, Grand Union, River Nane and then onto the Cam. Whilst Mike Hills team sculls their boat the long route up the North Sea, my lot will probably be sculling an ale in a lock side pub."
"Saturday's question," writes Steven Maher, of Failford (Which is longer, the Melbourne Cup or the Oxford Cambridge Boat Race?), reminded me of another: Which is shorter? Driving around Australia clockwise or anti-clockwise? Anti-clockwise of course, because you're on the inside lane." We recall being told that the difference in distance is much smaller than you would think. Does anyone know?
"Never mind reversing underwear," waves a dismissive Michael Robinson, of Cammeray (Column 8, for much of last week), "my Doona covers have an insatiable appetite for anything that has the misfortune to be in the machine with them. As a result they come out looking like a python that has swallowed a goat. From time to time the fitted sheets join in this cannibalistic behaviour."
"Whilst running a pub trivia night recently I posed the question 'Which is longer in distance, the Melbourne Cup or the Oxford Cambridge Boat Race," writes Ogden Browne, of Balmain. "I overheard one of the younger generation discuss with his team mates 'How far is it to row from Oxford to Cambridge?' After my initial chuckles, I wondered if any Column 8ers could enlighten me as to whether this is in fact possible."
"The most irritating insult to the English language? The mispronunciation of the word 'a' as if it rhymes with hay," asserts Merrick Jones, of Kambah, ACT. "John Howard started it. Now all politicians use it, and it's spreading to TV and radio newsreaders and reporters. Normal people don't speak like this. Imagine: 'I'd like 'a' cup of tea and 'a' cake, please."'
"Ralph Davis is amazing," writes a mind-boggled Richard Stewart, of Pearl Beach (the laundry topology experiment, Column 8, Wednesday). "Imagine having 40 pairs of underpants, and to have all 40 agreeing to participate in the inside out/outside in washing machine test. Although 'how many have you got? is not a subject for blokes' discussion over beers at the bar, a weeks supply and a couple extra perhaps but 40 pairs? Ralph, you are certainly a man apart. And incredibly, they are all washed."
"I write today to set right the abominable rite of calling airplanes 'aeroplanes'," huffs Chris Keane, of Wright Park, Washington State, USA (Column 8, since Monday). "I believe I am right in saying that airplanes were invented here on the right-hand side of the Pacific, giving the American inventors the right to name them as they please. I don't recall the names of the lads who invented them, though. Alright?"
"I smelt a rat at Phil Morey's discourse on crows and ravens," sniffs Alan Robertson, of Canberra (Column 8, Saturday). "A check of my field guides confirms that there are no crows in Sydney, just the Australian raven and the little raven. The Australian raven does have a more prominent throat hackle but is more easily distinguished by the dying note at the end of its call, described by Morcombe as 'aairk, aark, aaarh, aargargh'."
"To my fellow readers, who have in the past expressed interest in these creatures, I am able to advise that Golden Orb spiders are currently consolidating their presence in the upper northern suburbs gardens," reports Doug Cameron, of Normanhurst. "Arriving almost a month earlier than last year, they may have some insights into the coming seasons that we don't."
"As the junior teller in the '60s at the ANZ bank in Pitt Street," recalls Peter Watson, of Adelong (boys with bullets, Column 8, all week), "I was sent to the Castlereagh Street Branch to collect additional cash, as Pitt Street was running short. With a six-shooter tucked into the trouser belt, and jacket pockets bulging with bundles of cash, I was crossing Pitt Street on my return when a constable called me over. He requested identification, I produced my wallet, sweeping the coat tails aside and revealing the revolver. He proceeded to book me for jay walking. No mention was made of the weapon or the bulging pockets. And no, the bank didn't pay my fine."
"Further to the 2044 Monday leap day," adds David Dolphin, of Summer Hill (Column 8, Tuesday), "it's interesting to note that any calendar event, be it a Tuesday Christmas Day (2012) or five Fridays in July (2015) will only have to wait a maximum 28 years for a repeat. Every calendar repeats itself every 28 years, some in a shorter time. So everybody's 28th, 56th and 84th birthdays will always fall on the same day of the week they were born."
"I can't tell you when the next February 29 will be a Monday, but I can tell you that there was a Monday, February 29 in 1932," writes Jennifer Whaite, of Oatley (Column 8, Tuesday).
Stories of casual gunplay (Column 8, Monday) prompted much nostalgia for the a time when arms and the man were an ordinary part of NSW life.
Slightly astounded at the announcement that Canberra was to spend $50 million on new assets for the silent service, we asked if anyone recalled an Australian submarine firing a torpedo in anger since 1945. Our mistake was the timing. Aaron Haugh, of West Ryde, and a volunteer guide at the Australian National Maritime Museum aboard the submarine Onslow, kindly informed us that between April 24 and 29, 1915 our boat, AE2, was under orders to "generally run amok" inside the Dardanelles. She fired three torpedoes with one suspected but no confirmed hit.
The City of Blue Mountains has many cathedrals, it seems (Column 8, since the hamlet debate). "I thought that the not-man-made cathedral to which Bob was referring was 'The Cathedral' in Jenolan Caves," adds Alison Stewart, of Waitara.
The announcement that the Government intends to splash out 50 billion lazy dollars that it doesn't have on 12 new submarines led to debate in and around the Column 8 Building. The question was posed "When was the last time an Australian submarine fired a torpedo in anger, and how much have we spent on such boats since the last time a captain pushed the red button?" Research has proved fruitless, and we've had no success in nailing down a date. Can anyone tell us if it's happened since 1945?
"The solution to Gerard Byrne's problem of the disposal of an empty water bottle at the art gallery," suggests Murray Hutton, of Mt Colah (Column 8, Monday), "was to have placed it on a shelf with a sign reading 'The only rubbish in the AGNSW'. People would think it was an art installation."
"In 1957 our new home on the Rye-Mamaroneck border in suburban New York had electric garage doors," recalls J-Alice Hofler, of Dee Why (gadgets get goofy, Column 8, for a while). "Whenever the police helicopter passed over our house in the morning, our garage door would open. We had to change the frequency, as the police wouldn't."
"Jenny Colegrove tells of a blackboard sign in Tanna, Vanuatu ("White Whine", Column 8, Tuesday)," writes Richard Stewart, of Pearl Beach, "which reminded me of Port Vila harbour, where in 2002 the first 'around the island' swim was held. We swimmers received the official T shirt, declaring this to be the 'Inaugural Ocean Swim'. In 2003 the T Shirt celebrated the 'Second Inaugural Ocean Swim'. The tradition lives on. In 2016, in Port Vila will host the 'Fifteenth Inaugural Ocean Swim'."
"While taking a tour through the Art Gallery of NSW on Saturday," reports Gerard Byrne, of parts unknown, "I found myself in possession of an empty water bottle. Asking the attendant where I might dispose of it, I was informed that the nearest bin was outside the building. Incredulous that there was no public bin inside, I asked the gentleman if he was sure, to which he replied 'Oh yes, sir. There's no rubbish at the Art Gallery of NSW."'
"Melinda McFadden's 'car opening clicker thing' problem," advises Kevin Harris, of Beecroft, along with many others (Column 8, Friday) is not uncommon, and is almost always caused by the presence of interference from waves emanating from nearby 'other purpose' things. Park near the Telecom tower in Canberra, at the east end of the Kurrajong Hotel car park, and the same thing will occur (actually, not occur)."
"I have been reading with interest the goings on at Ashfield station, with the naked ladies getting changed," writes George Baias, of Summer Hill (The Ashfield Five, Column 8, all week). "So I was intrigued to see, travelling along Grosvenor Crescent, Summer Hill, heading towards Ashfield station, a guy jogging along, completely naked except for the shoes and socks. Even more surprising was the fact that he just kept on jogging – no one interfered or stopped him. Is there something in the water they drink in Ashfield?" More to the point, what is it about the railway station?
Resourceful caller shows how to reach to a human being through the ATO phone line.
"My mate Con Vaitsis is not given to flights of fancy," asserts Don Smith, of Ashfield, who refers to the naked lasses dressing in the street before hitting the town as "The Ashfield Five".
"Further to the discussion of Roman numerals, readers may find it interesting that at least one sport, archery, uses a mix of Roman and normal numbers in its scoring system," we're told by Darryl Drake, President of Sydney Bowmen Archery Club. "This comes about whereby the centre section of the 'gold' of an archery target, which scores 10, is further subdivided into a smaller centre ring which is scored as X. This also counts as ten points but in the case of two archers having the same total score the one with the most Xs wins."
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