Tuesday, April 19, 2005
I'm Baaaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!
Big changes:
Have a daugter (LOVE HER!!), moved to MA, new job (worth the move and not what I thought I'd be doing), ditched the YALE concept, making $$ consulting, weigh 212 lbs (lost 24-ish lbs), and can say that I am very, very happy with my life.
I'll fill you in soon.
Have a daugter (LOVE HER!!), moved to MA, new job (worth the move and not what I thought I'd be doing), ditched the YALE concept, making $$ consulting, weigh 212 lbs (lost 24-ish lbs), and can say that I am very, very happy with my life.
I'll fill you in soon.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Please: drill through my skull and see what's wrong with my brain!
AAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
It keeps going around and around. I just can't figure out what I want to do. My gut feeling is that I need to pick up where I left off in the 7th grade. You see, I went to a prestigious private school for one year. It was here that everything seemed to click and I felt at home with my fellow classmates, the teachers, and the level of education we were getting. There was a certain, palpable feeling of privilege that these kids and this scene exuded - most of my classmates came from money and most of their parents were ivy league, so their kids were going to be, too. Very Yale-oriented crowd...
I had to leave after only a year because my parents got divorced and they couldn't afford to send me anymore... or that's the way I remember it. Now that I think about it, what was the problem? Why was there "less money" just because they were not married anymore? It doesn't make sense. It looks like I just fell through the cracks.
I never got back up to that strata of social and educational existence since. Now when I think about my life, or my career, or what I really want to have accomplished with what I was "given", I keep on coming back to the fantasy of getting my Ph.D. from Yale. This is something that can be done, but it will take 100% commitment in order to pull it off.
I have a checkered educational background: I quit high school after advancing no further than the 10th grade, but I was able to pull my shit together and get a B.S. in Physics from a decidedly mediocre college. My GPA is horrific - I didn't really give a shit about grades, and I would routinely drop classes "unofficially", which only served to pepper my transcript with F's.
But, I have been successful in business, hold several patents, and... I don't know. I really need to put together a plan...
It keeps going around and around. I just can't figure out what I want to do. My gut feeling is that I need to pick up where I left off in the 7th grade. You see, I went to a prestigious private school for one year. It was here that everything seemed to click and I felt at home with my fellow classmates, the teachers, and the level of education we were getting. There was a certain, palpable feeling of privilege that these kids and this scene exuded - most of my classmates came from money and most of their parents were ivy league, so their kids were going to be, too. Very Yale-oriented crowd...
I had to leave after only a year because my parents got divorced and they couldn't afford to send me anymore... or that's the way I remember it. Now that I think about it, what was the problem? Why was there "less money" just because they were not married anymore? It doesn't make sense. It looks like I just fell through the cracks.
I never got back up to that strata of social and educational existence since. Now when I think about my life, or my career, or what I really want to have accomplished with what I was "given", I keep on coming back to the fantasy of getting my Ph.D. from Yale. This is something that can be done, but it will take 100% commitment in order to pull it off.
I have a checkered educational background: I quit high school after advancing no further than the 10th grade, but I was able to pull my shit together and get a B.S. in Physics from a decidedly mediocre college. My GPA is horrific - I didn't really give a shit about grades, and I would routinely drop classes "unofficially", which only served to pepper my transcript with F's.
But, I have been successful in business, hold several patents, and... I don't know. I really need to put together a plan...
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Where the #@%! have I been?
Here I sit, broken hearted
Tried to quit, but haven't departed.
Yep. It's been, what - two months? I'm still here at my lovely job. I still haven't started my farm. I did send out a resume, though. For a position as senior scientist, developing medical devices at a company two towns from where I live (15 minutes away, or less!). We'll see what happens... That was two weeks ago - time for a follow-up email. Also, I have to buy a new suit. The one Harley (his real name) got for me at the yearly thrift sale in the Hamptons finally self-destructed. This, of course, happened on the day - the only day, ever - that I decided to wear a pink shirt (that my mother-in-law bought for me, against my wife's pleas).
So I was wearing the pants (no jacket) from my nice, lightweight wool, black, Donna Karan suit one Monday at work. I go to the mailroom to check my mailbox for whatever ridiculous things my workaholic, 75 year old, no-memory-motherfuckin' boss has culled from the ninety seven magazines, periodicals, and almanacs he reads over the weekend. I grab the small pile of "research" work he has assigned to me and turn to head back to my office. At that moment, N---- gasps and says, "you have a tear in your pants!", to which I reply, "nah - the button on my pocket broke, so the pocket hangs open. I've been meaning to fix it.". "No", she says, hand to mouth, giggling. "You have a big tear in your pants! Right down the middle!" At this, I am twisting around, trying to look at my ass when a fellow (male) employee comes over and says "Right here", as he touches my ass (in a fraternal way, mind you). So I get into the men's room and, sure enough, there is a six inch rip down the inner seam of my back pocket, and my pink shirt is completely showing! It looked like pink underwear. Not one fucking jackass told me! Morons...
Anyhow, I did the Atkins thing from March 12 to April 13. At that point I snapped, and never looked back. The good news is that my weight dropped from 232 to 221, and my BF% dropped from 28.8 to 23.2. Therefore, I started with 66.8 lbs of fat and 165.2 lbs lean mass and stopped at 51.3 lbs of fat and 169.7 lbs lean mass. This means I dropped 15.5 lbs of fat, and gained 4.5 lbs of lean mass. Not bad, considering I didn't do one fucking bit of exercise!
I guess I lost focus toward the end - I was charting my progress in Excel (I tried to attach the graphs but couldn't) so I knew that I was making steady progress. Why I stopped, I don't know. I am going back on the Atkins program this Friday or Saturday, and this time with exercise. I've worked out a good, six day lifting routine that I want to test out. It works everything 2x per week, each time with a different exercise.
Also, I have been taking drum lessons from this Drum Nazi for a few weeks now. He gets all pissy when he comes over (Thursday nights) and I haven't done my "homework". I continue with him because 1) he's a good drummer, and 2) the pressure will keep me practicing, which is what I need to do. I've been drumming for about 4 or 5 years now, and I haven't made any progress in the last two years. I just haven't done the work...
Do you see a pattern here? I think it's pretty obvious what bad habit I need to overcome to get the most out of life...
...And I refinanced the house. I bought it for $212,000 in 2000 and it appraised now at $377,000. Not bad, especially considering that most of the improvements(besides the new roof) we've made have been cosmetic. So I refinanced and locked in a low-ish rate (5.865%) because I had an ARM (at 4.75%) that was nearing the back end of its rate lock and was only going to go up, up, up.
I sucked some of the equity out of the house to pay off "consumer" debt (credit cards, car loan, personal loan) and made some home improvement and "luxury" purchases (washer & dryer, new motorcycle helmet, new Vanson leather jacket, screen doors, carbon fiber silencer(!), 50" LCD projection TV, Onkyo surround sound system, various plumbing fixes, and so on, and so forth). Sounds like I bought a lot of unnecessary stuff, and I did. But what the hell, right? The only thing I feel guilty about is the TV. It is a little bit outrageous...but I did manage cut the monthly expenses by $500 and have ZERO consumer debt! Also, I put 5% of my gross into a 401(k), and now I'm putting another 5% into savings.
...And N--- doesn't have to work.
I read this book "Your Money or Your Life" that, although super-corny at times, gave me a new way to look at life, work, and money. Bottom line: reduce expenses, increase savings (in safe instruments) until the money earned from capital investments surpasses the money spent on living expenses. Voila! No more job necessary.
Now I have to see how the fuck I'm going to do this...
Did I mention that we have a baby girl coming in two months?
Tried to quit, but haven't departed.
Yep. It's been, what - two months? I'm still here at my lovely job. I still haven't started my farm. I did send out a resume, though. For a position as senior scientist, developing medical devices at a company two towns from where I live (15 minutes away, or less!). We'll see what happens... That was two weeks ago - time for a follow-up email. Also, I have to buy a new suit. The one Harley (his real name) got for me at the yearly thrift sale in the Hamptons finally self-destructed. This, of course, happened on the day - the only day, ever - that I decided to wear a pink shirt (that my mother-in-law bought for me, against my wife's pleas).
So I was wearing the pants (no jacket) from my nice, lightweight wool, black, Donna Karan suit one Monday at work. I go to the mailroom to check my mailbox for whatever ridiculous things my workaholic, 75 year old, no-memory-motherfuckin' boss has culled from the ninety seven magazines, periodicals, and almanacs he reads over the weekend. I grab the small pile of "research" work he has assigned to me and turn to head back to my office. At that moment, N---- gasps and says, "you have a tear in your pants!", to which I reply, "nah - the button on my pocket broke, so the pocket hangs open. I've been meaning to fix it.". "No", she says, hand to mouth, giggling. "You have a big tear in your pants! Right down the middle!" At this, I am twisting around, trying to look at my ass when a fellow (male) employee comes over and says "Right here", as he touches my ass (in a fraternal way, mind you). So I get into the men's room and, sure enough, there is a six inch rip down the inner seam of my back pocket, and my pink shirt is completely showing! It looked like pink underwear. Not one fucking jackass told me! Morons...
Anyhow, I did the Atkins thing from March 12 to April 13. At that point I snapped, and never looked back. The good news is that my weight dropped from 232 to 221, and my BF% dropped from 28.8 to 23.2. Therefore, I started with 66.8 lbs of fat and 165.2 lbs lean mass and stopped at 51.3 lbs of fat and 169.7 lbs lean mass. This means I dropped 15.5 lbs of fat, and gained 4.5 lbs of lean mass. Not bad, considering I didn't do one fucking bit of exercise!
I guess I lost focus toward the end - I was charting my progress in Excel (I tried to attach the graphs but couldn't) so I knew that I was making steady progress. Why I stopped, I don't know. I am going back on the Atkins program this Friday or Saturday, and this time with exercise. I've worked out a good, six day lifting routine that I want to test out. It works everything 2x per week, each time with a different exercise.
Also, I have been taking drum lessons from this Drum Nazi for a few weeks now. He gets all pissy when he comes over (Thursday nights) and I haven't done my "homework". I continue with him because 1) he's a good drummer, and 2) the pressure will keep me practicing, which is what I need to do. I've been drumming for about 4 or 5 years now, and I haven't made any progress in the last two years. I just haven't done the work...
Do you see a pattern here? I think it's pretty obvious what bad habit I need to overcome to get the most out of life...
...And I refinanced the house. I bought it for $212,000 in 2000 and it appraised now at $377,000. Not bad, especially considering that most of the improvements(besides the new roof) we've made have been cosmetic. So I refinanced and locked in a low-ish rate (5.865%) because I had an ARM (at 4.75%) that was nearing the back end of its rate lock and was only going to go up, up, up.
I sucked some of the equity out of the house to pay off "consumer" debt (credit cards, car loan, personal loan) and made some home improvement and "luxury" purchases (washer & dryer, new motorcycle helmet, new Vanson leather jacket, screen doors, carbon fiber silencer(!), 50" LCD projection TV, Onkyo surround sound system, various plumbing fixes, and so on, and so forth). Sounds like I bought a lot of unnecessary stuff, and I did. But what the hell, right? The only thing I feel guilty about is the TV. It is a little bit outrageous...but I did manage cut the monthly expenses by $500 and have ZERO consumer debt! Also, I put 5% of my gross into a 401(k), and now I'm putting another 5% into savings.
...And N--- doesn't have to work.
I read this book "Your Money or Your Life" that, although super-corny at times, gave me a new way to look at life, work, and money. Bottom line: reduce expenses, increase savings (in safe instruments) until the money earned from capital investments surpasses the money spent on living expenses. Voila! No more job necessary.
Now I have to see how the fuck I'm going to do this...
Did I mention that we have a baby girl coming in two months?
Monday, March 15, 2004
Dang! I feel a little weird....
...but I feel good, too!
The Atkins thing is difficult to pull off - there are carbs in just about everything. I crave bread, chocolate, canolis (a LOT), Twizzlers, etc. I've been eating every three hours, making sure I have good protein, good fat, and not too much in the "leafy/green vegetable" department. It's really tough to avoid those carbs, though.
I've been at it since Friday morning (the 12th), and it felt a little weird Saturday and Sunday. I did have a lot of energy yesterday, though - I broke up the brick walls surrounding the patio with a sledge hammer and wheelbarrowed them off to the dumpster in the driveway. This and cleaning out the basement and garage to get rid of all the junk that I could fit in the dumpster took me four or five hours. The dumpster is TOTALLY FILLED TO THE TIPPITY TOP!! I love dumpsters, man! I would put a "I *heart* dumpsters" bumper sticker on my car if I could find one!!!
So I feel a little more "on", too. I am motivated to get things done. Here at work I am projecting a positive, friendly attitude - "let's get things done" is what I'm exuding. Even though I've been feeling really uneasy about my perceived value here (in the sense that people here with perceived low value are regularly axed), it really is up to me to project an attitude that makes them (Frick and Frack, the Chairman & the CEO) perceive high value, whether that is an accurate assessment or not!
And so it begins...
I have a good feeling about the new and improved me. But it's really weird - it just seems too simple - that making the decision to get in shape (and follow through with the necessary actions to get in shape) begets a positive attitude which begets getting more things done which begets more enthusiasm which begets increased efficiency which begets....
...and so on, ad infinitum.
**Note: I am a little bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to eating / fitness. I have yo-yoed from binge eating to strict caloric restriction back to bingeing on more than one occasion. My wife has pointed out that this behavior is just another manifestation of my ADD + addictive personality.
For this to really represent forward progress, it's got to be permanent.
The Atkins thing is difficult to pull off - there are carbs in just about everything. I crave bread, chocolate, canolis (a LOT), Twizzlers, etc. I've been eating every three hours, making sure I have good protein, good fat, and not too much in the "leafy/green vegetable" department. It's really tough to avoid those carbs, though.
I've been at it since Friday morning (the 12th), and it felt a little weird Saturday and Sunday. I did have a lot of energy yesterday, though - I broke up the brick walls surrounding the patio with a sledge hammer and wheelbarrowed them off to the dumpster in the driveway. This and cleaning out the basement and garage to get rid of all the junk that I could fit in the dumpster took me four or five hours. The dumpster is TOTALLY FILLED TO THE TIPPITY TOP!! I love dumpsters, man! I would put a "I *heart* dumpsters" bumper sticker on my car if I could find one!!!
So I feel a little more "on", too. I am motivated to get things done. Here at work I am projecting a positive, friendly attitude - "let's get things done" is what I'm exuding. Even though I've been feeling really uneasy about my perceived value here (in the sense that people here with perceived low value are regularly axed), it really is up to me to project an attitude that makes them (Frick and Frack, the Chairman & the CEO) perceive high value, whether that is an accurate assessment or not!
And so it begins...
I have a good feeling about the new and improved me. But it's really weird - it just seems too simple - that making the decision to get in shape (and follow through with the necessary actions to get in shape) begets a positive attitude which begets getting more things done which begets more enthusiasm which begets increased efficiency which begets....
...and so on, ad infinitum.
**Note: I am a little bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to eating / fitness. I have yo-yoed from binge eating to strict caloric restriction back to bingeing on more than one occasion. My wife has pointed out that this behavior is just another manifestation of my ADD + addictive personality.
For this to really represent forward progress, it's got to be permanent.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Hooo Boy...
I really have nothing to say today. I'm looking forward to loosing weight and getting back in shape. The roofers finished today - I hope they didn't take the dumpster. I have MORE SHIT to throw in there. I already loaded it up Sunday with the porch ceiling that I axed down and a bunch of crap from the basement. So I'm blowing off PT tonight so I can do a little more cleanup.
This is important because I can't get at my lifting equipment with the basement such a mess...
This is important because I can't get at my lifting equipment with the basement such a mess...
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Holy ketosis, Batman! Where did all your bat-blubber go?!
I've been reading about Atkins. Sounds good to me. I'm going to do it.
I won't stop "induction" until I hit 200 lbs or <10% BF, whichever comes first. Since I weigh 232 right now, I predict that I'll hit my target in 4 to 5 weeks. Let's call it April 16.
Starting Friday - I have to stock up on non-carb foods, both at home and at work (we have a fridge in the lab).
I'm off to PT. I'll write more tomorrow.
I won't stop "induction" until I hit 200 lbs or <10% BF, whichever comes first. Since I weigh 232 right now, I predict that I'll hit my target in 4 to 5 weeks. Let's call it April 16.
Starting Friday - I have to stock up on non-carb foods, both at home and at work (we have a fridge in the lab).
I'm off to PT. I'll write more tomorrow.
Monday, March 08, 2004
Monday, Monday...
The worst day of my week at this point in my life. I really, really can't wait to get out of this financial trap I'm in - needing to stay where I'm at just to pay the bills. Of course I could find another job closer to home that is more interesting to me, but there are two major problems:
1. I can't generate the requisite enthusiasm for "interview mentality". I can't make believe that I'd LOVE to work at some place, that I'll be SO productive, that I'm the ANSWER to their PROBLEMS... I just can't fake it. I want out of the 9 to 5 world, and I want out NOW.
2. I've worked in a very specialized field for twelve years. There isn't much overlap with other industries / vocations. I certainly could get a good job at one of my company's competitors, but that would entail a move, which I'm not doing. Also, see #1. I can't fake it.
What I really want to do at this point is to put together a first stab at a business plan and determine what day I can quit this fucking job! If I know that I have only X days left, I can bear the pain. It makes it easier to get up and drive here if I know it's essentially temporary.
Right now it looks like 4-1-2006 is the day. Just two more years...
two more years....
two more....
just two...
two...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
*snore*
1. I can't generate the requisite enthusiasm for "interview mentality". I can't make believe that I'd LOVE to work at some place, that I'll be SO productive, that I'm the ANSWER to their PROBLEMS... I just can't fake it. I want out of the 9 to 5 world, and I want out NOW.
2. I've worked in a very specialized field for twelve years. There isn't much overlap with other industries / vocations. I certainly could get a good job at one of my company's competitors, but that would entail a move, which I'm not doing. Also, see #1. I can't fake it.
What I really want to do at this point is to put together a first stab at a business plan and determine what day I can quit this fucking job! If I know that I have only X days left, I can bear the pain. It makes it easier to get up and drive here if I know it's essentially temporary.
Right now it looks like 4-1-2006 is the day. Just two more years...
two more years....
two more....
just two...
two...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
*snore*
