Bad Santa (2003)

Actors: Lorna Scott (actress), Lauren Tom (actress), John Ritter (actor), Matt Walsh (actor), Cloris Leachman (actress), Octavia Spencer (actress), Billy Bob Thornton (actor), Tony Cox (actor), Ethan Phillips (actor), Ajay Naidu (actor), Bryan Callen (actor), Lauren Graham (actress), Bernie Mac (actor), Ethan Coen (producer), Alex Borstein (actress),

Plot: Willie T. Stokes is a convicted con man who's led a miserable life. He drinks heavily and constantly embarrasses himself publicly. He only works once a year dressed as Santa. But then come Christmas Eve, he and his pint-sized helper dwarf Marcus stage elaborate robberies and take their department stores for everything they got. This year, they hit a mall in suburban Phoenix, Arizona. This time around, Willie gets distracted by having sex with large women, a bartender who is attracted to Santas, and a kid who's convinced he's the real deal. However, this time around Marcus must once again put up with Willie's heavy drinking and a series of incidents that constantly shoot themselves in the foot. Not to mention a nosy department store security guard who's onto them and wants his cut of the loot. Will Willie and Marcus make it to next Christmas? Or will this be the year the dynamic duo finally face justice?

Keywords: absent-father, adult-hitting-a-child, advent-calendar, african-american, alcoholic, alcoholism, anal-sex, answering-machine, anti-christmas, anti-hero
Genres: Comedy, Crime,
Taglines: He's very naughty . . . and not very nice. [DVD] He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice. Get Naughty this Holiday Season.

Quotes:

Willie: I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.

Marcus: Motherfucker! Oh you lousy, fucking motherfucker.

Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?::Willie: No, thank the fuck Christ.::Kid: What about the elves?::Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.

Marcus: You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.

Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.::Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.::Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...::Willie: Fornicate?::Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?::Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.::Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...::Marcus: If we what?::Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.::Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.::Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?::Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?::Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.::Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'::Marcus: Who the hell is us people?::Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.::Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.::[Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]::Willie: You're pathetic.

Marcus: [looking over the list of items his girl wants him to steal] I have to get a loofah and a... [he's about to turn around when the safe door swings open. Stacks of money fall out of the door] Fuck the loofah, let's go!

Willie: I said, "Next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV!

Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!::Willie: What the hell, buddy.::Hindustani Troublemaker: Buddy? I said I am not gay!::Willie: Are you off your fucking meds or something?::Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.::Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...::Hindustani Troublemaker: [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...::Kid: Leave Santa alone!::Hindustani Troublemaker: Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.::Kid: Leave Santa alone!::Hindustani Troublemaker: [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.

Sue: I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.::Willie: So is my thing for tits.

Willie: Why don't you go take a shower?::Dancer girlfriend [Unrated Cut]: I'm a dancer, I sweat.::Willie: Well, you smell like a bum's nut sack.::Dancer girlfriend [Unrated Cut]: Fuck you.