Matty Silver -Apr 5, 2016
It is not uncommon in relationships for orgasm issues to come between couples. Photo: Fotolia
Some months ago I saw a 25-year-old client who was very upset. She had met a guy she really liked and was under the impression they had a great relationship. But after they were together for a while, he told her there must be something wrong with her because she was the only woman he'd had intercourse with who didn't have an orgasm.
What most men and women don't know is that only 20 to 25 per cent of women can achieve an orgasm by just having penetrative sex. Women who often don't have a problem achieving an orgasm on their own don't understand why they can't do it with their partner. There are also many women who find it quite difficult or are unable to achieve an orgasm when they masturbate. And some have never experienced one because they believe it's the man's job.
Unfortunately, popular culture doesn't help either. How many movies do we see these days where, within minutes of starting to have sex, the actors end up with mind-blowing simultaneous orgasms – in reality that is almost impossible!
Some men, like my client's boyfriend, believe in their sexual prowess so much that they see it as a personal challenge to make their girlfriends climax – and are very disappointed when they don't. By expressing this with questions such as "have you come yet?", it's no surprise that some women believe faking it is so much easier. They may feel guilty, but it's an easy way to keep their partners happy.
Most people find it difficult to talk about sex; it can be an awkward and sensitive topic that can raise feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment or criticism. There is also the fear of hurting each other's feelings. We are led to believe sex is something that comes naturally and we should be instinctively good at it, which just isn't true.
So, what makes it easier for women to have an orgasm with a partner? A woman who is comfortable touching her own body is more likely to know what feels good for her. If she knows how to have an orgasm on her own, she can show her partner what to do, where and how to stimulate her – good foreplay is very important. Men should keep in mind that it's much easier for a male to climax than a female.
New York sex educators Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross have produced many You-Tube video over the years educating women on several topics but especially on how to have an orgasm. This video is was one their most recent ones. They explain why it is important and necessary to have a sexual fantasy in their "head" – it's really the same process for men when they masturbate.
It's not only women who have anxieties about an inability to orgasm during partner sex: men often worry that it's their fault and can start feeling inadequate. This quite funny video, How Do I Orgasm during Partner Sex, also produced by Dodson and Ross, is a must-see for both men and women.
Getting back to "faking it", another reason why women may do it is because they are stressed and tired and just want to get it over with. Too much alcohol can make achieving an orgasm more difficult. Some women say sex is sometimes painful and they don't want to complain. Having faked it once without a partner noticing makes it easier to do it again. And when sex is disappointing with a new partner, they may fake pleasure to speed up the process.
But apparently faking isn't always bad for your sex life. Depending on a woman's motivation, pretending to orgasm can actually increase her sexual satisfaction, according to research by Erin B. Cooper, a clinical psychology doctoral student at Temple University. She presented the research at the American Psychological Association's 2010 Annual Convention in San Diego. She concluded: "Some women may 'fake it till they make it', which makes sense – if faking an orgasm gets your partner more excited, it may arouse you enough to get to the 'finish line'."
But if you think that only women fake orgasms, think again. Some men are worried that they take too long, especially with a new partner, and fake ejaculation to speed it up – not too difficult to do when using a condom. There are many reasons a man has delayed ejaculation or can't ejaculate at all: exhaustion, stress, alcohol, medication, illicit drugs etc. And performance anxiety also often plays a big part.
So should you be a faker? I don't believe so.
I keep telling my clients that they are responsible for their own orgasms. They can't expect their partner to be a mind reader; they should show their partner what they need in order to achieve an orgasm. The most important thing is to communicate and focus on each other's pleasure and realise that it is not always necessary for sex to end with the "elusive" orgasm!
Matty Silver is a relationship counsellor and sex therapist