OCCASIONALLY, awkward issues may arise in the bedroom — here’s how to deal with them:
• Acknowledge it. Many couples suffer in silence because they refuse to discuss what’s happening.
Sometimes the solution is simple and it’s often better to tackle the problem as a team.
• Do your research. A sexual problem can seem insurmountable when you don’t know about the causes or treatment options.
• Seek advice from a professional qualified in medicine, psychology or sexology. Ask your GP for a referral, or seek one the Society of Australian Sexologists online.
• Know that with time, patience and open communication, every sexual problem has an appropriate solution.
QUESTION: He loves his dog more than me
I’ve recently became engaged to a guy I’ve been seeing for five years. However, I have a huge problem with him showing his dog of 10 years more affection than me. Not kidding.
He’ll often wake up and pat his dog instead of giving me attention. I believe he has intimacy issues and I’ll often have to guide his hand to touch me.
We have great sex and have got the dog off the bed during that activity at least, but I can’t help but feel second best the rest of the time.
Do you have any suggestions?
ANSWER
There’s a joke here about man’s best friend, except it isn’t at all funny when you genuinely feel in competition for affection.
In a healthy relationship, particularly when you’re embarking on the promise to live your lives together, you should feel like you’re the centre of each other’s lives.
This isn’t to the exclusion of all else, because other people and things do matter, but when you promise to be faithful, to love your partner above all others, to cherish and honour one another, in reality those vows need to be backed up by action.
Love expands. It doesn’t need to be competitive. And we all love those close to us in different ways. Your fiance has loved his dog for a decade.
His dog is close to his heart. But he knows he needs more than his pet: He sought you in his life, and then chose to love you and to spend his life with you.
The issue isn’t about the dog — not really. It’s about balance.
After this dog passes into doggie heaven, there may be something else — another pet, work, a mate, a child — that takes his focus away and creates an imbalance of attention.
If you can address this now, you both have an opportunity to understand what’s important to each of you.
Talk about wanting to be his priority (not his everything, because no one meets everyone’s needs) without competing for attention. Tell him you feel like second best.
Explain that it’s hurtful — rather than accuse him of having intimacy issues — and make specific requests so he understands your needs.
It’s possible he doesn’t know he’s upsetting you.
Assure him you’ll always strive to make him feel he is your priority; that when you have in-laws and children and friends to balance, you’ll always look to balance your attention.
Trust in the promise he made to love you above all others but talk about how that balance needs to feel for you both, since there are always others to share your love with.
It’s unrealistic to be his “one and only” all through life but you can absolutely be his number one, in balance with the other loves in your lives too, which yes, includes his trusty dog.
* Do you have a question for Gabrielle Morrissey? Email us at feedback@bodyandsoul.com.au
