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I just put this (above) together... if only I had the artistic skills to create the poster below - which appears to be for a real film but seems reasonably appropriate.
If we could issue every nurse with a machine gun I'm sure the world would be a better place.*
* Not Green Party policy.
Update: due to popular demand (well, one person's suggestion) I have reworked the top poster. One day I'll be rich enough to contract this stuff out to someone who knows what they're doing...
I put this together the other day when I had far more important things I should have been doing. It's good to share :)
It has become de rigeur in political circles to denounce Labour's 'new' leader. At least, I think it has, I'm not 100% certain what de rigeur means - but I've heard the clever boys use the term in this sort of context so I hope it isn't slang for a cervical smear or anything. "He's like a lifeless jelly" they say. "Less a leader, more an intangible feeling of discomfort." That sort of thing. 
But, gentle reader, I crave your indulgence for a moment because I believe this fashion is quite, uite wrong. Yes, like any Zen Master he's making his genius seem effortless. Yes, like any Kung Foo champion he achieves his aims with just a slight twist to his shoulder or gliding step to the side - but let's not mistake this for lack of mastery.
So mist like is his appearance that you see the Coaltion forces growing more and more disconcerted at the lack of opposition. Like children camping they an't work out if there's a monster out there or not. They turn on their torches, they start at a snapping twig, they start to argue, "Look, there is no Labour Party, it doesn't exist!" The other child starts crying, "Labour are out there and they're going to eat us raw!"
The Coalition announces cuts in housing benefits that will result in misery and homelessness and Miliband just looks at them. It's not even a glare. just looks right through them. Not-saying-a-word. So they're left shufflng their feet until the Lib Dem blurts out "I didn't want to do it, it's him, he wanted to put down their pets. After all why should people have pets if they can't pay the rent?" Miliband doesn't move, he just keeps on staring.
Then the Lib Dems start staggering around clutching their throats "We're dying! We're dying!" the shriek, but it can't be Labour's fault can it - after all they haven't moved a muscle? So they turn on one another.
Voters against members, members against MPs, MPs against leader and leader, baring his arse to a shocked world, against all of them. Meanwhile Miliband watches, as if to say "I am stone. As life comes and goes about me, I am rock. Let rivers rage and thunder crash, what are these effemeral twitiches to the aeons?"
As libraries shut, offices close, unemployment rises and riots flare across the streets all we see are Lib Dems and Tories racing round setting light to schools, and urinating on our armed forces (but only the living ones, never the dead).
Of course, Labour's ranks are not all schooled in Miliband's teachings. Some cluck and splutter "Do something!" They shout "Call someone a bigot! Announce a policy initiative! Issue a press release! Do something!"
Miliband stops breathing, a hint of a frown crosses his face, but just for a moment. Holding up one finger he silences them. A deathly quiet falls. "Listen." One brave Labour acolyte steps forwards, and trembling asks "Wh... what is that sound? It's cutting me to the quick... horrible..." she breathes, eyes wide.
"It is the weeping of my enemies."
He places his hand back in his lap and continues the vigil over the Coalition's misrule. He whispers to himself "soon they will come and beg for our return, but not yet, let them twist a little more, let them see what life is like without me a while longer." Look at the polls and tell me I'm wrong.
In the year that Dr Gius Balthar became the chancellor of the Exchequor and not-so-secretly undermined the economy creating vulnerabilities for the Cylons to exploit I thought I'd take a look forward to what we might expect for the 2011.
The first shock of the year comes when the planned statue of Tony Blair is scrapped. The Lib Dems hail yet another alteration to government policy when an enormous statue to Nick Clegg is erected standing astride Westminster bridge eating the dismembered body of a baby.
Simon Hughes declares this proves the party's critics wrong as the Tories were probably planning a statue of Darth Vader or something.
Next Vince Cable is awarded a special honour by his leader of a bright jewel embedded in the centre of his forehead. This not only shows the world how important the quick stepping Octogenarian is, it has the added facility of allowing Clegg the ability to monitor all his conversations with 'constituents' in order to 'help' him with any extra work load that may need taking off him.
The new year will not be free of scandals and mis-speaking moments either.
Green MP Caroline Lucas will be heard declaring that the next organisation to give her an award will be "awarded a knuckle sandwich" in return. When discussing the issue of her many awards, Lucas thought she was talking to a resident of Brighton Pavillion, who was in fact a staffer at The Pidgeon Fanciers' Gazette picking up their biggest scoop of the year.
Lucas was thought to be annoyed that people thought one token sane MP in the House of Commons was enough. "If I don't get some decent company in the voting lobby soon," she declared "I'm going postal. No, honestly, I am. Postal. You just watch."
Comeback of the year will go to David Laws who returned to frontbench politics in the Exchequer for several hours until it was revealed that he had been charging the taxpayer for wages for a member of staff who turned out to be his six month old love child. His insistence that the child, "Broken-No", was indeed doing light typing and answering the phone cut little ice with the public.
Promotion comes unexpectedly to Tory Nadine Dorries who's brief at the Ministry for Equality takes many campaigners by surprise. Her promise to re-inject religious values into politics and make the Taliban look like "rank amateurs" makes some on the government benches uneasy.
Michael Gove is finally sacked as education minister when he is found literally setting fire to a primary school.
The Prime Minister had forgiven his previous bulldozing of a secondary school but was visibly shaking on a TV interview as he reminded viewers "That this school is in Surrey. Surrey!"
David Miliband makes a surprise return to politics as a government adviser on Afghanistan. David will say that "Given the rank corruption, treachery and poor leadership we have seen, Afghanistan will make a refreshing change from UK politics."
In international news Sarah Palin will launch a new Crusade to the holy land. A five thousand strong volunteer army joins her in storming Graceland, handing over the running of its gift shop to Halliburton. Sadly Palin was injured in a friendly fire incident when a stray bullet hit her in the head.
Doctors say that had the bullet hit her "three feet lower, it would have gone straight through her brain."
My last prediction is that the coalition breaks up and an early general election is called. The surprise winner by a landslide is a newly formed party "Just dance" which was put together by party leader and founding member Lady Gaga in response to the deep cynicism of politics.
"Politicians are always wearing a poker face and claim there is nothing else I can say while hiding their true motives. To them it is a game that they love, but this love game leaves most of us cold rather than chillin. With my experience with the paparazzi I can end this bad romance of a media manipulated political game. When I am Prime Minister anyone will be able to pick up the telephone and speak to me direct, even Alejandro."
Sadly, this all turned out to be bollocks.
Annie Leonard and co. (review)
Adrienne Mayor (review)
Ed Howker and Shiv Malik
Floella Benjamin (review)
Mark Watson (review)
Tim Jackson (post)
David Wilson (post)
Clive Lord (post)
Nickie Roberts
