Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Rock (1999)
Actors:
Dana Carvey (actor),
Dana Carvey (actor),
Tom Davis (actor),
Chris Farley (actor),
Michael J. Fox (actor),
Darrell Hammond (actor),
Phil Hartman (actor),
Phil Hartman (actor),
Kyle MacLachlan (actor),
Tim Meadows (actor),
Tim Meadows (actor),
Dennis Miller (actor),
Dennis Miller (actor),
Tracy Morgan (actor),
Jim Breuer (actor),
Plot: Before he was the HBO stand-up comedian we all know and love, Chris Rock was on Saturday Night Live doing stand up comedy, expressing his feelings on crime, taxes, prison, holidays, and other topics of society. He also portrayed hilarious characters as Luther Campbell, Onski, Old Man Ernie, and the hilarious talk-show host Nat X!
Keywords: actor-playing-multiple-roles, african-american, archive-footage, based-on-tv-series, black-comedy, celebrity, celebrity-impersonation, character-name-in-title, comedian, compilation
Genres:
Comedy,
Documentary,
Quotes:
B. Real: Yo! Hangin' out. You know, doing my beston. Got more bitches than Charleton Heston.
Chris Rock: It's sad that your taxes don't cover any medical. No medical. I think doctors make too much money, you know why? Because they don't cure anything. Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago. They ain't cured anything in a long time, man, you know, diseases are piling up, man, we've cancer, sicacell, and Geri's Kids still limping around. Come on, Man, get rid of something. Some diseases, they just gave up on. They said: "To hell with it!" Like blindness. You go blind, they don't got nothing for you. You go to a doctor, tell him you're blind, he says, "Hey why don't you get this dog to drag your blind ass around." Where's the medicine? Where's the science? I'm blind! I can't see! There's people that can see that can't handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget or something!
Chris Rock: There's this big fuss about prison over crowding! Prison over crowding. I don't get it. I thought that was the whole idea of prison, a place for prisoners to feel uncomfortable. At my house we used to sleep four to a bed but we never tried to hang my father. Jails are so nice they go back twice. They don't have this problem in other countries. Nobody goes to Siberia twice. Nobody goes to Iran twice because it's hard to snatch another purse if you don't got another hand. It's pretty hard to lie to the judge with no tongue in your mouth! We're too nice to our criminals! Prisoners get three meals a day, homeless people don't get anything. That's messed up. I think criminals should get one meal a day: dinner. And not on a tray like normal people, they should put a cow in the courtyard and whatever happens, happens. You miss a meal go to deathrow and get the extra meat off the electric chair. I know that's harsh, but I hate the electric chair. Because electricity goes through there and electricity costs money, tax payers money! My $50! There are alot of cheap ways to kill someone. Like stabbing don't cost a damn thing. Get a stabbing chair. That's all I got to say, Man!::Kevin Nealon: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.
Onski: Yo whassup? Whassup? Welcome to I'm Chillin'. I'm your host, Onski, and sittin' by my side is my real cool cat, he knows where it's at, he's my brother phat, my acrobat, my laundromat, my aristocrat, my diplomat, my place mat, my Gilligan's hat, my fire side chat, and he's all bizzat! B. Real!
[On the Bensonhurst Dating Game]::Stacey: Okay, number three, if I were a flavor of ice cream, what flavor would I be ancd what would you do with me?::Kevin Stubbs: You would be red raspberry and I'd lick you all over.::Andy Perotta: Excuse me, what did you just say?::Kevin Stubbs: I said what they said!::Andy Perotta: I heard what you said, I'm saying next time you better be a little smarter.::Kevin Stubbs: But I said what they said!::Andy Perotta: Use your head.
Nat X: My next guest starred in the TV movie of the week. Please welcome Tori Spelling. [Tori walks out on stage] Sit your rich white ass down!::Tori Spelling: Hi Nat. Good to be here. How are you?::Nat X: Look, don't come here kissing my behind. The only reason you here is because your daddy paid me okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.::Tori Spelling: Did you like it?::Nat X: Let me put it this way. I've seen better action in a Cambodian whorehouse.
Nat X: I'll beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in Heaven with a wheelchair.
Chris Rock: I was the only black kid in my grade. I felt like Franklin from The Charlie Brown Show. You've seen Franklin for 25 years and not one line! Nothing. Twenty five years! Everyone on Charlie Brown is their own character that's all thought out, you know, Linus got the blanket, Lucy's a bitch, Shroder plays the piano, Peppermint Patty's a lesbian. Everybody got their thing except Franklin. Come on, give him a Jamacian accent for something! Twenty five years man! They don't even invite him to the parties, but Snoopy's dancing his ass off. He's in the house, I don't believe it! Pig Pen's in the house! Pig Pen! I'm upset. I gotta go! I can't take this! That damn dog!
Onski: Now before I start the shizow, I say before I start the shizow, Iwanna say whassup to a new sponsor. That's right, it's time to say whassup to 'I Ain't Trying to Hear That', the home pregnancy test for men. That's right, it gives the man just enough tizime to get the hell out of town.
Wife: We closin' shop now right?::Old Ernie: Who said. I never said that.::Wife: You did, you mind changing, scheduel forgetting fool.::Old Ernie: Well tonight I wanna stay open you clock watching, early closing, lazy not working, back talking, [Wife agrees to close] you late staying, always agreeing, butt kissing, [Wife inquires as to when are they going to close] You when-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go asking, turtle neck wearing, attitude giving, free loading, going in the back room, butt wiggling, not listening, you coming in from the back room box carrying, teeth sucking, head shaking, husband ignoring, you're not hearing me, isle reshelving, inventory taking, new price tag giving, thinking I was done but I'm not done because I'm still talking, I got more to say you head neck wearing, uh... Ozone destroying, um... [looks in dictionary] polar ice cap melting, earring wearing, walking out of my site, ducking down behind the damn thing, 38 Calibur Pistol shooting, pointing at me, [Wife fires] Husband shooting, mess making, [Wife fires again], two time shooting neither time fairly wounded. [Wife shoots again] Okay, let's close the store.
Saturday Night Live: The Best of Phil Hartman (1998)
Actors:
Alec Baldwin (actor),
Corbin Bernsen (actor),
Dana Carvey (actor),
Dana Carvey (actor),
Dana Carvey (actor),
Danny DeVito (actor),
Chris Farley (actor),
Chris Farley (actor),
Will Ferrell (actor),
Phil Hartman (actor),
Phil Hartman (actor),
Chris Kattan (actor),
Jon Lovitz (actor),
Jon Lovitz (actor),
Tom Arnold (actor),
Genres:
Comedy,
Documentary,
Quotes:
Phil Hartman: [singing] I hide behind these wigs and this make-up, but tonight, I'm gonna let myself shine through. They're gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight.::Steve Martin: I wouldn't do that, Phil.::Phil Hartman: Okay.
Ross Perot: You want to hear some music? Well today you're gonna get all the music you want... [Radio plays static] I don't believe. Is that how the game is played Admiral? They can't put a transmitter out here so good hard working, decent Americans can listen to some good old country music and I think that's just sad.::Admiral Stockdale: The Government's in... GRIDLOCK!
Ross Perot: Lesson for today: do not try to ditch a war hero. Tenacious with a capital T.
Admiral Stockdale: I'm hungry!::Ross Perot: Now, Admiral, we ate at Denny's a half hour ago. You had a double cheese burger. Your belly's full. I rest my case.::Admiral Stockdale: Where are we?
Billy Idol: I think you're a stupid, tight-assed old fart.::Frank Sinatra: You're all talk, blondie. You want a piece of me? I'm right here.::Billy Idol: Don't provoke me, old man.::Frank Sinatra: You don't scare me, I got chunks of guys like you in my stool.::Billy Idol: Alright. I'll rip your bloody head off!
Bill Clinton: Let me tell you something, there's gonna be a whole bunch of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton. And fast food's the least of them.
Bill Clinton: [In a McDonalds restaurant, admiring a woman's baby] Well she's certainly is beautiful enough to be a princess. Say you gonna finish these fries?::Kevin O'Brien: Hi, Mr. President. I'm manager of this store and I just wanna thank you for stopping by... Again.::Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin, you got a real American family place here. Say is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?::Kevin O'Brien: Well normally we stop serving breakfast at eleven, but for you...::Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin.::Kevin O'Brien: Should I skil up some of those big sausage paddies you like?::Bill Clinton: You read my mind!
[in a McDonald's restaurant]::College Girl: Um, Mr. Clinton. I'm a sophomore in college and I may have to drop out because my parents can't afford the tuition.::Bill Clinton: Speak of the devil, that's one of them McLaine sandwiches isn't it?
[in a McDonald's restaurant]::Bill Clinton: For example, your McNugget was released from Britain and intercepted by war lords. This filet fish sandwich from Italy, war lords. Doesn't matter how much food you send, a McBLT, a hot apple pie, it's just gonna end up in the hands of: war lords! Now with the broad based military force, we can make sure that this McRibsandwich gets to the people who need it.
[in a McDonald's restaurant]::Body Guard #1: Sir I think we should continue. We've only gone an eighth of a mile.::Bill Clinton: You buys want a real run? Race ya to the Pizza Hut!