Following Nick and Rex’s tongue-in-cheek deconstruction of the ‘concept’ and ‘gravitational waves’, news has just come in that the oath witnesses take in Australia has been sliced into its fundamental constituents: perjury, utopia, and blasphemy.
‘It was quite easy to see once you took the oath literally’ one of the anonymous legal scholars said, ‘just read closely’.
“I swear by Almighty God that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”
‘It’s the use of the utopian words “truth” and “whole truth” that gives the game away’, the researchers claimed. ‘You see, the notion of truth is absolute, ie leaving zero doubt whatsoever. So any belief, memory, opinion, or even perception is uncertain and thus neither the truth nor the “whole truth”. Only mathematical and other tautological statements are undoubtedly true, so a person is in effect swearing to recite all tautological statements as his or her evidence. Everyone who has ever taken the oath has perjured themselves’.
The bewildered legal profession was shocked after this revelation, though the Chief Judge did publicly ask where the blasphemy bit got in. ‘Easy’, the up-beat researchers said, ‘Once you realise that the oath is a promise to deliver the whole of the impossible, much like the promise to hand over all of the Holy Grails, then by implication one has lied to god and taken god to be a fool. One has uttered a falsehood to god, dooming ones’ eternal soul’.
Because much research clearly needs to be done following the shockwaves of this deconstruction, the stunning discovery that perjury, utopia, and blasphemy are at the heart of the legal system has sent grant-agencies scurrying for their cheque books. The pope has reportedly considered calling off meeting the Russian Orthodox Patriarch, postponing a reconciliation of a thousand years of enmity, in order to consider a papal amnesty for billions of witnesses over the ages.
‘This is an exiting decade for us’, the unknown researchers claimed, ‘who knows what crazy arguments and discoveries await?’