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Latest Blunt Instrument articles
CSIRO cuts bring Australia global fame for choosing stupid
From the earliest days of the penal colony the journals of the First Fleet officers remarked upon the weird, often violent climatic changes that made survival in the antipodes such a fraught, contingent affair.
Blunt Instrument: Heat blast is no excuse to be naked at me
![There are some things you just can't unsee.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/m/j/2/f/8/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gmj2ac.png/1454363800482.jpg)
John Birmingham COMMENT: I know it's hot, but that doesn't mean freaks can walk around wearing non-existent pants.
Nobody cares about Australia Day, so why not change it?
![If Australia Day is about so much more than the arrival of the white man and his guns, why not move it so we get another ...](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/m/d/s/q/u/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gmdk2f.png/1453891643568.jpg)
John Birmingham Disconnect with date should be reason enough to change it.
Give them their X-Files, or they'll take it
![Mulder and Scully are back, but you'll have to wait if you want to see them on Ten.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/m/5/e/o/6/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gm8ig7.png/1453854293679.jpg)
John Birmingham Why is Ten holding back rebooted X-Files after it airs in the US?
Birmingham: Coward punches, it's a guy thing
![Boxer and anti-violence campaigner Danny Green, pictured with one-punch victim Cole Miller. The pair met while Miller ...](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/m/0/3/g/b/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gm3rx7.png/1452544984138.jpg)
John Birmingham You can bring in laws, but until men change, nothing will.
Birmingham: Why I fell out of love with Christmas ham
![Who hasn't lived life on the hog during the festive season?](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/1/2/8/1/1/n/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.glz8ac.png/1451898615498.jpg)
John Birmingham It's over between us, Christmas ham. I want you out of my fridge now.
Mob rule shall not overrule justice
![Thousands attended the rally for Allison Baden-Clay in King George Square on Friday.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/l/r/0/o/p/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.glsv7q.png/1450866952746.jpg)
John Birmingham COMMENT The crowd gathered at King George Square thought they were decent people coming together to right an injustice of the Court of Appeal. But they were a mob.
Clinical hangover cure? I'll drink to that
![Is it really a good idea to have only limited consequences of getting on the booze?](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/l/m/x/s/d/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.glmxhh.png/1455148139446.jpg)
John Birmingham Never learn your lesson about drinking too much.
Malcolm Turnbull's ideas idea is ideal turnaround for Australia
![Malcolm Turnbull selling his innovation package on Monday night's 7.30 program on the ABC.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/l/h/s/b/0/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.glhns3.png/1449491438270.jpg)
John Birmingham Malcolm Turnbull had an idea once. Along with some other guys, he helped turn it into a company called Ozemail and trousered a shedload of the folding stuff out of the deal.
Thank god for earthly angels when death comes
![It doesn't matter in which hospital this nurse worked, because it happens every day all over the city. It's happening now.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/h/w/0/6/z/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.glbvkn.png/1448872190325.jpg)
John Birmingham There are those among us, rare indeed, who hold our hands as we pass through pain, fear and confusion.
John Birmingham: We are all haters now
![Benedict Cumberbatch's androgynous supermodel in Zoolander 2 has mobilised the outrage army.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/l/2/h/7/o/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gl64x8.png/1448535017613.jpg)
John Birmingham Just because you're offended, doesn't make you right.
Beating ISIL takes hard work and thought, not mindless revenge
![Parisian portraits of grief. Crowds gathered to place flowers and light candels at the terror attacks sites across Paris ...](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/l/0/g/4/k/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gl0h2x.png/1447703716259.jpg)
John Birmingham Horror and hysteria is understandable. Western countries are generations removed from the violence which is a banal reality throughout most of the world (and which we have been visiting upon the rest of the world for more than five hundred years now).
Viewer stews because Crabb didn't skewer
![It didn't get too hot in the kitchen when Scott Morrison featured on Annabel Crabb's Kitchen Cabinet.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/k/j/1/r/m/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gkusgn.png/1447100159303.jpg)
John Birmingham In Brisbane on a cookbook tour, Annabel Crabb was grilled on whether she let off Scott Morrison too lightly on her cooking and politics show.
Act on climate change, or give up and die
![The argument that it's pointless tackling climate change unless everyone acts is an argument in favour of stasis and death.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/k/p/7/a/y/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gkp7cv.png/1448336638131.jpg)
John Birmingham Argument against doing anything is argument in favour of death.
Time for a tech-savvy zombie plan
![Things move quickly in our modern world ... except for zombies.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/f/v/5/y/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gkj41s.png/1445896875978.jpg)
John Birmingham Evolving technologies have rendered my zombie plan obsolete.
Smashing time until someone ends up under the table
![I do not claim that the former prime minister, who is alleged to have danced shirtless on the marble coffee table, was ...](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/k/c/o/b/u/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gkd32n.png/1445310432370.jpg)
John Birmingham I feel for the staff of the Department of Parliamentary Services, for I too have lost a much-loved coffee table.
JB's tribute: Sam de Brito lived a life of truth
![A life of truth: Sam de Brito.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/k/6/z/k/y/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gk7c6n.png/1446634038431.jpg)
John Birmingham People die. They leave us behind. They go when they're old, when they're young, whether they're loved or alone. Sometimes you see it coming. Sometimes you don't.
The snag that really burns me up about daylight saving
![Sausages ... the forgotten victims of daylight savings.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/h/v/f/i/w/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gk1shj.png/1445985147122.jpg)
John Birmingham Daylight savings time is upon us again, or not, but nobody seems to give a damn about the costs and difficulties imposed on JB at this time each year.
Apple Maps error ... and nine other explanations for sinkhole
![The sinkhole has been described as a "near shore landslide".](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/v/r/2/6/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gjwqav.png/1443499465168.jpg)
John Birmingham The government is lying to you about the enormous sinkhole that swallowed a whole beach on the Sunshine Coast.
Airborne invasion or just flipping me the bird?
![I did not ask for this war, bird, but you have asked for it.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/r/j/o/k/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gjrk2o.png/1442879191900.jpg)
John Birmingham You have your realm and I have mine, and the freshly baked, hot buttered muffin which I was enjoying for breakfast yesterday morning lay well within the boundaries of mine.
How John Birmingham became caught in the eye of the spill
![Prime Minister-designate Malcolm Turnbull and Deputy Leader Julie Bishop address the media during a press conference at ...](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/m/j/e/m/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gjn1m6.png/1442291188498.jpg)
John Birmingham I planned to sneak around whispering, "Didja hear? It's on!" A few minutes after landing, however, I discovered it really was on.
Would IS make us take domestic violence seriously?
![Battles in the Middle East pale in comparison to those in Australian homes.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/i/h/5/t/e/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gjml3y.png/1448344866545.jpg)
John Birmingham Battles in Australian homes dwarf those in the Middle East.
Birmingham: History's lessons are always in fashion
![A good teacher's lessons will outlive their fashion sense.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/h/9/o/d/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gjh9ez.png/1441664861463.jpg)
John Birmingham Heed a great teacher and you might leave the world a little better off.
Special offer from Nigeria for Dyson Heydon
![If Dyson Heydon was to open his email, he could take advantage of special offers from Nigeria.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/i/y/s/p/y/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gjc617.png/1441798519440.jpg)
John Birmingham I repose great confidence in you and your handling of delicate emails.
Divorce lawyers to cash in on Ashley Madison hack
![There isn't a stadium big enough to hold all Brisbane's Ashley Madison subscribers if they wanted to have a meet up.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/2/f/j/m/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gj6syh.png/1440716360800.jpg)
John Birmingham Lawyer's fees will go up, as family home prices go down.
Blunt Instrument: What if politicians had no parties to stand on?
![Prime Minister Tony Abbott and Opposition Leader Bill Shorten cross paths during a division in the House of Representatives.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/j/1/0/p/g/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gj112l.png/1440246998057.jpg)
John Birmingham What if none of this was Tony Abbott's fault? Or Julia Gillard's? Can you imagine a world when it was the ideas that mattered?
Old houses fall, but new stories will be told
![Noah Taylor in the film adaptation of He Died with a Falafel in His Hand.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/i/u/1/b/s/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.givj6p.png/1439199777326.jpg)
John Birmingham Vale 60 York St, but more stories will come along.
Can we really hope that Goodes saga is over?
![Adam Goodes did not play on the weekend after relentless booing from crowds.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/i/o/l/b/s/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.giqqsg.png/1438948506412.jpg)
John Birmingham It was a beautiful thing, what happened on the weekend.
The horror: Hip hop music has become old people music
![Rapper Snoop Dogg, classic hits.](/web/20160211152441im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/i/g/o/9/b/image.related.thumbnail.90x60.gigomf.png/1441846970499.jpg)
John Birmingham This is horrifying. Not Mick Fanning shark punch up horrifying. This is worse. Hip hop is now old people music.