A well-timed, original joke can be the beginning of a wonderful relationship between a speaker and an audience, and between friends.

I realize this is going to sound like the Grinchiest thing ever, but I cannot wait for the holiday season to finally end so I can be rid of the infernal Elf on the Shelf that first darkened our home last yuletide.

Remember "Nice play,Shakespeare!" You'd say it to someone when they'd flubbed up. Makes you wonder if anyone ever said it to Shakespeare himself, say when he committed a faux pas. Also makes you wonder whether Shakespeare would have gotten the joke, Was he self-involved enough to think that he was simply being praised for one of his masterpieces?

Today I was privy to a phone conversation that has left me in a complete state of amazement, I mean talk about shock and awe. You tell me what YOU think. Much to my dismay at 7:30 M's phone rings. Yes 7:30. This morning. On my day off.

I can imagine the philharmonic orchestra warming up before the classical performance of Rossini's William Tell Overture. The concertmaster enters, expecting polite applause, but the audience whistles, cheers, and throws popcorn.

Thinking about making your annual list of New Year's Resolutions? Do yourself a favor this year, and don't make yourself some lofty list of goals you want to achieve with things like "stop smoking" or "stop selling my vital organs on the black market, I only have one kidney, lung, and half a brain left."

It's hard to believe that it's time for our annual holiday letter again. As I sit here at my computer on this chilly night snuggled in my warmest beach hoodie and sipping a hot mulled piña colada, I'd like to assure you that all those rumors about San Diego's terrific climate are totally unfounded.

Brian Caldirola

Hipster New Year

Though no weapon was found at the scene, tossed near the bullet-riddled body was a large canvas bag filled with brightly colored wrapped packages. Police department evidence officials later discovered that the boxes were filled with children's toys.

For the Great Silent Disapproving Saints, be thankful you are invited anywhere... and keep your little lips collectively shut.

I'm a happy person. I like life. And yes, I have suffered and known horrors that are so beyond the beyond that I too could shun all variation of happy thoughts. But right now, my mind works, my body's not failing me and I'm doing OK -- so I make a conscious decision to see things in a positive way.

ASSOCIATED PRESS

The Academy concluded, after a spirited debate lasting seven hours, 37 minutes, that Mr. Trump is best described not as a "putz" (a fool or idiot; literally a penis), but rather as a "schmuck" (an odious or contemptible person, a prick; literally a penis).

Jackie and Jay decided to visit New York and ask people on the street to convince Jackie to watch their favorite Christmas movie. Do you think it worked?

Christmas means a lot of presents. And a lot of love.