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Family Is Forever
You can run. You can hide. Or, you can fight... LIKE HELL.
They survived the terror...but they can't escape their destiny.
Laurie Strode: [Yelling outside her house, drunk] Hey, world! Guess what. I'm Michael Myers' sister! I'm so fucked!
Annie Brackett: What the fuck! Andy, are you seriously planning on standing out here all night? This is ridiculous!::Deputy Webb: Hey, Annie, I just do what the boss tells me.::Annie Brackett: Well, I'm the boss... of the boss, and I say move your shitbox over there, Kojak, okay? And don't make a federal case out of it, turn off the goddamn gumballs.::Deputy Webb: I'll do what I gotta do.::Annie Brackett: Wha...::[laughs]::Annie Brackett: , what the fuck are YOU gonna do, jackhole?
Annie Brackett: Look at me. What is going on? Let me just call my dad, okay? We can talk to him.::Laurie Strode: You know what? I have a message for your dad. Tell him that Angel says "fuck you"!::Annie Brackett: Who is Angel? Laurie!
Coroner Hooks: Six guys to lift one stiff. That's one for the books.
Deborah Myers: You know who I am, Angel. Now, repeat after me: I love you, Mommy. [Laurie being held down by young Michael in her mind] I LOVE you, Mommy.::Laurie Strode: [Laurie stops struggling and whispers... ] I love you, Mommy.
Dr. Samuel Loomis: Michael Myers is fucking dead!
Michael Myers: [From Alternative Ending] [before stabbing Loomis] DIE!
Sheriff Lee Brackett: Man was meant to eat meat. We, all of us, have a little bit caveman in us.
Mark: [to Michael] Are you a giant? Can we be friends?
Wolfie: What are you supposed to be? A sexy vampire?::Harley David: I'm a chick who's dressed up as a dude who wants to be a chick.::Wolfie: But you are a chick, though, right?::Harley David: Why don't you put your hands down my pants and find out, Wolfman.::Wolfie: At this point I don't really care. But seriously, you have a vagina?
Actors Greg Travis (actor), Richard Riehle (actor), Daniel Roebuck (actor), Malcolm McDowell (actor), Bill Fagerbakke (actor), Silas Weir Mitchell (actor), Michael Deak (actor), Howard Hesseman (actor), Chris Hardwick (actor), Brad Dourif (actor), Robert Curtis Brown (actor), Mark Boone Junior (actor), Michael Deak (actor), Duane Whitaker (actor), Sean Whalen (actor),
"Weird Al" Yankovic's new album "Mandatory Fun" out now on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFun Amazon: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFunAMZ Google Play: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFunGP http://www.WeirdAl.com Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Word Crimes. (C) 2014 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Foil. (C) 2014 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment.
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Tacky. (C) 2014 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing White & Nerdy. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 8511 (C) 2006 Volcano Entertainment III, LLC.
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Fat. (C) 1988 Volcano Entertainment lll, LLC
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Handy. (C) 2014 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment.
Music video by "Weird" Al Yankovic performing Amish Paradise. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 14859 (C) 1999 Volcano Entertainment lll, LLC.
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Trapped In The Drive-Thru. (C) 2007 Volcano Entertainment III, LLC.
Music video by Weird Al Yankovic performing The Saga Begins. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 8874 (C) 1999 Volcano Entertainment lll, LLC.
Weird Al Bonus video on REACT Channel: http://goo.gl/qEsR9L SUBSCRIBE! New vids every Sun/Thu/Sat: http://goo.gl/aFu8C Watch all main React Episodes: http://...
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Eat It. (C) 1984 Volcano Entertainment lll, LLC.
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Perform This Way (Parody of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga). (C) 2011 Volcano Entertainment III, LLC, a unit of S...
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Smells Like Nirvana. YouTube view counts pre-VEVO: 7037 (C) 1992 Volcano Entertainment lll, LLC.
"Weird Al" Yankovic's new album "Mandatory Fun" out now on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFun Amazon: http://smarturl.it/MandatoryFunAMZ Google Play: ht...
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Like A Surgeon. (C) 1985 Volcano Entertainment lll, LLC.
This is a Behind The Music remastered edition of Weird Al Yankovic from 2010. Behind the Music is owned by CBS and VH1 is owned by Viacom This video is owned...
This is one of the first flashes I ever made, back in 2006. At the time of uploading this is nearly it's 5 year anniversary. It's a music video to Weird Al's...
Weird Al Yankovic wins a GRAMMY. CBS YouTube GRAMMYs Playlist: http://bit.ly/1DSWf1h CBS.com GRAMMYs Page: http://bit.ly/1AsXJBL Watch GRAMMYs LIVE on CBS All Access: http://bit.ly/1DG4RbW CBS on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1Kdjjfw CBS on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1DeEbks
"We were pretty much scared out of our minds. I was straight out of college, and all of a sudden they were flying me out to New York to perform live on natio...
You can never, ever have too much polka! With that in mind, I combined all of Weird Al's polka medleys from 1984 to 2014, creating a 31-year medley of medleys! Clocking in at over 50 minutes and featuring nearly 150 different songs, this will entertain any Al-coholic! TRACK LIST: The full list of songs covered can't be posted here due to space limitations. You can find it here: http://weirdal.com/archives/miscellaneous/parodies-polka/ 0:00 1. Polkas on 45 (In 3-D, 1983) 4:14 2. Hooked on Polkas (Dare to be Stupid, 1985) 7:54 3. Polka Party! (Polka Party!, 1986) 11:02 4. The Hot Rocks Polka (UHF - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff, 1989) 15:51 5. Polka Your Eyes Out (Off the Deep End, 1992) 19:27 6. Bohemian Polka (Alapalooza,1993) 23:04 7. The Alternative Polka (Bad Hair Day, 1996) 27:53 8. Polka Power! (Running With Scissors, 1999) 32:00 9. Polkamon (Pokémon: The Movie 2000, 1999) 34:00 10. Angry White Boy Polka (Poodle Hat, 2003) 38:56 11. Polkarama! (Straight Outta Lynwood, 2006) 43:01 12. Polka Face (Alpocalypse, 2011) 47:32 13. NOW That's What I Call Polka! (Mandatory Fun, 2014) _______________________ If you enjoyed this, support the artists! Buy "Weird Al" (and everyone else) music and merch! I make no claim of ownership to any songs heard or covered here, nor do I make any claims to the album artwork.. I make no money or ad revenue from this video. All polka recordings, arrangements (c) "Weird Al" Yankovic; all songs covered (c) their original owners
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Polka Face. (C) 2011 Volcano Entertainment III, LLC, a unit of Sony Music Entertainment.
"Weird Al" reveals one of his "scariest" fan encounters. Click to Subscribe ► http://bit.ly/Doogtoons More episodes ► http://bit.ly/weirdal-cartoons "Weird Al" Yankovic reveals one of his "scariest" fan encounters on the streets of Hollywood late at night in this funny, exclusive animated cartoon interview. See "Weird Al" Yankovic in concert: http://www.weirdal.com Visit "Weird Al" Yankovic on YouTube: http://youtube.com/alyankovic Find Doogtoons on TWITTER: http://twitter.com/doogtoons FACEBOOK: http://facebook.com/doogtoons INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/doogtoons GOOGLE+: http://google.com/+DoogtoonsStudios TUMBLR: http://doogtoons.tumblr.com PODCAST: http://doogtoons.com/itunes EMAIL LIST: http://doogtoons.com/mailinglist WEBSITE: http://doogtoons.com Business / Animation inquiries: http://doogtoons.com/contact In the Studio #6 Created by Doug Bresler Featuring "Weird Al" Yankovic
Weird Al Yankovic and Andy Samberg put a literal twist on the theme songs of the year's biggest nominees at the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards. » Subscribe to NB...
Music video by "Weird Al" Yankovic performing Party In The CIA (Parody of "Party In The U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus). (C) 2011 Volcano Entertainment III, LLC, a u...
The Late Late Show - 2/16/2015 Air Date: 02/16/15 Guest host Thomas Lennon welcomes talk and performance by Weird Al Yankovic, actress Natasha Leggero, and a comedy performance by Maz Jobrani. (TV-14 D, L) The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015
Weird Al Yankovic concert (1999)
FULL ALBUM. I DO NOT OWN MUSIC RIGHTS I JUST WANTED TO UPLOAD. REPEAT I DO NOT OWN RIGHTS TO THIS SONG WANTED TO UPLOAD
"Weird Al" Yankovic visited Google LA to talk about his career and new album "Mandatory Fun." This talk was moderated by Vanessa Priebe and took place on Jul...
"Weird Al" Yankovic on "Larry King Now" - Full Episode Available in the U.S. on Ora.TV SUBSCRIBE to Larry King's YouTube Channel:http://bit.ly/131HuYM With his newest album Mandatory Fun atop the Billboard charts, famed musical parodist Weird Al Yankovic joins Larry to analyze his recipe for long-standing success and discuss a potential Broadway debut. Plus, Weird Al on life in the Yankovic household. FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/OraTV &http;://www.facebook.com/LarryKing TWITTER: http://twitter.com/OraTV Use #LarryKingNow to make comments & ask us questions on Twitter! Watch the Full Interview Here: http://www.ora.tv/larrykingnow
Here is the one-time only "Weird Al" Yankovic panel at Comic-Con 2014! Features the never-before-seen music video #9, "Now That's What I Call a Polka!"
Weird Al Yankovic - Spicks And Specks 2007?
The Late Late Show - 10/17/2014 Air Date: 10/17/14 Craig welcomes actor Sean Hayes from the CBS comedy series “The Millers” plus talk and performance with Weird Al Yankovic. (TV-14 D, L)
AFTERBUZZ TV -- AfterBuzz TV's Spotlight On edition, is a long form interview series featuring Actors and TV personalities discussing their roles and shows a...
Mandatory Fun - Weird Al Yankovic || Best Album ==================================== 01. 00:00 First World Problems 02. 03:13 Foil 03. 05:36 Handy 04. 08:32 Inactive 05. 11:29 Jackson Park Express 06. 20:34 Lame Claim To Fame 07. 24:20 Mission Statement 08. 28:48 My Own Eyes 09. 32:29 Now That's What I Call Polka! 10. 36:35 Sports Song 11. 38:50 Tacky 12. 41:43 Word Crimes
Weird Al is the nicest guy in the world, Chris is nice but tends to get impatient with automated customer service phone menus, Jonah is the same size as John...
These are my personal Weird Al favorites.
Never Not Funny: The Jimmy Pardo Podcast Episode 1424 - Weird Al Yankovic Cruising with "Weird Al" Yankovic.
First movie of the series "Weird Al Show".
50-minutes of a show at Calif's Orange Country Fair (shown here in 2007). Weird Al played many of these songs Aug 13-14, 2010 at the Pacific Amphitheater.
Unfortunately, YouTube and friends had blocked the video wordwide and, by removing some/most of the audio, it has now returned...pointlessly. Sorry, friends....
http://www.cbc.ca/Q Singer, author, accordionist Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic is in Studio Q to talk about his decades spanning career, the beefs his music has generated, and the struggle to publish his Lady Gaga parody "Perform this Way."
Time to get weird, friends! It's the Bonnaroo Lineup Announcement Megathon (BLAM!) What's that? Well... its the live event on YouTube where we'll be unloading an arsenal of amazing acts that...
Finally got this uploaded, this was blocked in the US because of a clip of Dare To Be Stupid and then showing a Michael Jackson clip, but we got it, it's fix...
In this exciting addition I expose Weird Al Yankovic in being a propagandist and is a Satanic agent for the Illuminati and the New World Order to come! Watch...
THIS VERSION IS OUTDATED -! NEW VERSION HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRd_pUwRX6Q (blocked in the US and Germany) 100000 views! Neat. ===========...
Music by "Weird Al" Yankovic
The Late Late Show - 2/16/2015 Air Date: 02/16/15 Guest host Thomas Lennon welcomes talk and performance by Weird Al Yankovic, actress Natasha Leggero, and a comedy performance by Maz Jobrani. (TV-14 D, L) The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015
The Late Late Show - 2/16/2015 Air Date: 02/16/15 Guest host Thomas Lennon welcomes talk and performance by Weird Al Yankovic, actress Natasha Leggero, and a comedy performance by Maz Jobrani. (TV-14 D, L) The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon - Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani - 16 February 2015
The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show february 16,2015 The Late Late Show 16 february 2015 The Late Late Show 02,16,2015 The Late Late Show 02,16,15 The Late Late Show 02/16/2015 The Late Late Show 02/16/15 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon 16 february 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon february 16,2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon full episode
A Weird Al parody from Sabrina The Animated Series Witchy Girrls. LOL
A Birthday Singing Telegram For Barton Jacka "Happy Birthday" Written By: Weird Al Yankovic Perfromed By: Shawnn Morris Slaughter
The Late Late Show - 2/16/2015 Air Date: 02/16/15 Guest host Thomas Lennon welcomes talk and performance by Weird Al Yankovic, actress Natasha Leggero, and a comedy performance by Maz Jobrani. (TV-14 D, L)
The Late Late Show - 2/16/2015 Air Date: 02/16/15 Guest host Thomas Lennon welcomes talk and performance by Weird Al Yankovic, actress Natasha Leggero, and a comedy performance by Maz . The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz Jobrani 16 February 2015 The Late Late Show Host Thomas Lennon-Weird Al Yankovic,Natasha Leggero,Maz . The Late Late Show - 2/16/2015 Air Date: 02/16/15 Guest host Thomas Lennon welcomes talk and performance by Weird Al Yankovic, actress Natasha Leggero, and a comedy performance by Maz .
Season 3 Autographed CDs available at ►http://shop.erb.fm◄ Download This Song: ►http://bit.ly/1qj97L1◄ Visit http://WeirdAl.com for news on Al's NEW ALBUM! And visit http://pledgemusic.com/chali2na for info on Chali 2na's latest album and project! Tweet this Vid-ee-oh! ►http://ctt.ec/fxd86◄ Hi. My name is Nice Peter, and this is EpicLLOYD, and this is the Epic Rap Battles of History, Season 3. This..is.. ERB merchandise! ► http://erb.fm/cq ◄ Follow Us HERE: http://facebook.com/nicepeter http://facebook.com/EpicLLOYD http://twitter.com/nicepeter http://twitter.com/theEpicLLOYD http://epicrapbattlesofhistory.com Watch the Behind the Scenes Here: ►http://bit.ly/U92KfQ◄ ▼ CAST ▼ Isaac Newton: Weird Al Yankovic http://www.weirdal.com https://twitter.com/alyankovic Neil deGrasse Tyson: Chali 2na http://www.chali2na.com http://youtube.com/chali2na https://twitter.com/chali2na Bill Nye: Nice Peter https://www.youtube.com/nicepeter https://twitter.com/nicepeter ▼ CREW ▼ Directed by: Nice Peter Executive Producers: Peter Shukoff & Lloyd Ahlquist Written by: Nice Peter, EpicLLOYD & Zach Sherwin Staff Writer: Dante Cimadamore Staff Writer: Mike Betette Song Produced by: Nice Peter & Jose "Choco" Reynoso Song Mixed by: Nice Peter and Jose "Choco" Reynoso http://www.1200warriors.com Beat Produced by: Hollywood Legend http://bit.ly/1ly3tyw Edited by: Andrew Sherman, Daniel Turcan, Ryan Moulton, and Nice Peter VFX and Compositing: Andrew Sherman and Ryan Moulton Newton's Orbital Cannon by: Nice Peter and Ryan Moulton Producer: Michelle Maloney Director of Photography: Jon Na and Layne Pavoggi Costume Designer: Sulai Lopez Hair and Make Up: Tara Lang Assistant Make Up: Brittany White Gaffer: Arthur Hong Grip: Yev Belilovsky Music Supervisor & Playback: Dante Cimadamore Production Coordinator: Atul Singh Assistant Editors: Ryan Moulton & Marc Chester Office PA: Shaun Lewin A special thank you, to you, for making this video possible. We got to work with two of our all time heroes, and we never could have gotten here without you. For real, thank you. -nice peter & epiclloyd Download the free ERB App: iPhone ► http://erb.fm/cr iPad ► http://erb.fm/ao Android ► http://erb.fm/fk
Season 3 Autographed CDs available at ►http://shop.erb.fm◄ Download This Song: ►http://bit.ly/1qj97L1◄ Visit http://WeirdAl.com for news on Al's NEW ALBUM! And visit http://pledgemusic.com/chali2na for info on Chali 2na's latest album and project! Tweet this Vid-ee-oh! ►http://ctt.ec/fxd86◄ Hi. My name is Nice Peter, and this is EpicLLOYD, and this is the Epic Rap Battles of History, Season 3. This..is.. ERB merchandise! ► http://erb.fm/cq ◄ Follow Us HERE: http://facebook.com/nicepeter http://facebook.com/EpicLLOYD http://twitter.com/nicepeter http://twitter.com/theEpicLLOYD http://epicrapbattlesofhistory.com Watch the Behind the Scenes Here: ►http://bit.ly/U92KfQ◄ ▼ CAST ▼ Isaac Newton: Weird Al Yankovic http://www.weirdal.com https://twitter.com/alyankovic Neil deGrasse Tyson: Chali 2na http://www.chali2na.com http://youtube.com/chali2na https://twitter.com/chali2na Bill Nye: Nice Peter https://www.youtube.com/nicepeter https://twitter.com/nicepeter ▼ CREW ▼ Directed by: Nice Peter Executive Producers: Peter Shukoff & Lloyd Ahlquist Written by: Nice Peter, EpicLLOYD & Zach Sherwin Staff Writer: Dante Cimadamore Staff Writer: Mike Betette Song Produced by: Nice Peter & Jose "Choco" Reynoso Song Mixed by: Nice Peter and Jose "Choco" Reynoso http://www.1200warriors.com Beat Produced by: Hollywood Legend http://bit.ly/1ly3tyw Edited by: Andrew Sherman, Daniel Turcan, Ryan Moulton, and Nice Peter VFX and Compositing: Andrew Sherman and Ryan Moulton Newton's Orbital Cannon by: Nice Peter and Ryan Moulton Producer: Michelle Maloney Director of Photography: Jon Na and Layne Pavoggi Costume Designer: Sulai Lopez Hair and Make Up: Tara Lang Assistant Make Up: Brittany White Gaffer: Arthur Hong Grip: Yev Belilovsky Music Supervisor & Playback: Dante Cimadamore Production Coordinator: Atul Singh Assistant Editors: Ryan Moulton & Marc Chester Office PA: Shaun Lewin A special thank you, to you, for making this video possible. We got to work with two of our all time heroes, and we never could have gotten here without you. For real, thank you. -nice peter & epiclloyd Download the free ERB App: iPhone ► http://erb.fm/cr iPad ► http://erb.fm/ao Android ► http://erb.fm/fkSir Isaac Newton vs Bill Nye. Epic Rap Battles of History Season 3.Sir Isaac Newton vs Bill Nye. Epic Rap Battles of History Season 3.Sir Isaac Newton vs Bill ... This is the official instrumental for Sir Isaac Newton vs Bill Nye from Mary Doodles's drawing. Extended and remastered :3 Enjoy this one! ▽Download Link▽ ... sir isaac newton sir isaac newton facts sir isaac newton biography sir isaac newton quotes sir isaac newton laws sir isaac newton for kids sir isaac newton ... So this is the new rap battle " sir isaac newton vs bill nye " in alvin and the chipmunks version. I do not own anything, sso all credits goes to nice peter and epic ... Special thanks to Cyb3rGuy23 for the thumbnail (: Just wanted to give this epic beat one last edit, hope it sounds better now (: I used the original beat as the ...
Fan video of "White & Nerdy (Parody of "Ridin'")" by "Weird Al" Yankovic. Created using Video Star: http://VideoStarApp.com/FREE
Christmas at Ground Zero (Originally Performed by Weird Al Yankovic) [Karaoke Version] Theme Team ℗ 2014 Sleek & Sound Released on: 2014-07-10 Auto-generated by YouTube.
Eat It (In the Style of Weird Al Yankovic) [Karaoke Version] Ameritz Audio Karaoke ℗ 2014 Ameritz music Ltd Released on: 2014-07-01 Auto-generated by YouTube.
A Complicated Song (Originally Performed by Weird Al Yankovic) [Karaoke Version] Theme Team ℗ 2014 Sleek & Sound Released on: 2014-07-10 Auto-generated by YouTube.
Played by: http://osu.ppy.sh/u/Demitrios Video created with osu!record: http://osurecord.weeaboo.com/ Beatmap: http://osu.ppy.sh/b/25371
Salute To Supernatural convention contest entry. Tribute to Gil McKinney who portrays Henry Winchester, Dean and Sams grand father on their fathers side. SPOILERS FOR SEASON 8 and 9!!! Music (C) Weird Al Yankovic Cips (C) The CW
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here is Weird Al Yankovic as you never seen him before or ever will see him like this ever again as a animated singing photo :D to my fave song word crimes using a cool green screen fx that makes this video look way better :D this is a special video for my hero Weird Al Yankovic original song belongs to Weird Al Yankovic (C) animated by RD MOVIES background animation used is the original word crime song
Funny Videos 2015: Owls Are Weird FUNNY VIDEOS, Vídeos Engraçados,Смешные видео,Owls Are Weird. We partnered with Weird Al to create this music video for his new album, Mandatory Fun. Also featuring Patton Oswalt, Tom Lennon, and Robert Ben Garant. . Weird Al Yankovic's new album Mandatory Fun out now on iTunes: Amazon: Google Play: ht. Top 10 complete full funniest super bowl commercials of 2015! Best super bowl ads of super bowl 49! Top 10 Funniest Super Bowl Commercials of 2015 complete l.
... al Qaeda's Yemen affiliate ... Finance Education Defence Weird News Editor's Choice Financial Services.
The Daily Telegraph 2015-03-25... to neosoul singer to reality-show star Big Smo, to master music satirist "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 2015-03-25... to neosoul singer to reality-show star Big Smo, to master music satirist "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 2015-03-25... to neosoul singer to reality-show star Big Smo, to master music satirist "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 2015-03-25... president Ahmad Al Kamali ... Also set to run for IAAF vice president is Dahlan Al Hamad of Qatar.
Boston Herald 2015-03-25Weird X-rays ... Finance Education Defence Weird News Editor's Choice Financial Services.
The Daily Telegraph 2015-03-25By Ayman al-Warfalli ... Islamist positions, said Naser al-Hasi, a spokesman for the military base.
Yahoo Daily News 2015-03-25Weird, sad, and scary all at once ... Weird! « Show less ... Charm School" et al ... was still weird as heck.
Zap2it 2015-03-25... ISIL positions by army forces, said Naser al-Hasi, a spokesman for the military base in Benghazi.
Al Jazeera 2015-03-25* Defense, prosecution expert witness argue over Al Qaeda material ... -born Al Qaeda figure Anwar ...
Huffington Post 2015-03-25... needed to be designed as one, to give him that weird and mysterious flavor the fans know and love.
noodls 2015-03-25... not just weird but possibly helpful, depending on whether your victim is going to a barbecue or not.
Mashable 2015-03-25The southern port city of Aden controls access to the Bab al-Mandab strait and the Red Sea.
BBC News 2015-03-25Alfred Matthew "Weird Al" Yankovic (pronunciation: /ˈjæŋkəvɪk/; born October 23, 1959) is an American singer-songwriter, music producer, accordionist, actor, comedian, writer, satirist, and parodist. Yankovic is known for his humorous songs that make light of popular culture and that often parody specific songs by contemporary musical acts. Since his first-aired comedy song in 1976, he has sold more than 12 million albums (as of 2007), recorded more than 150 parody and original songs, and has performed more than 1,000 live shows. His works have earned him three Grammy Awards among nine nominations, four gold records, and six platinum records in the United States. Yankovic's first top ten Billboard album (Straight Outta Lynwood) and single ("White & Nerdy") were both released in 2006, nearly three decades into his career.
Yankovic's success comes in part from his effective use of music video to further parody popular culture, the song's original artist, and the original music videos themselves, scene-for-scene in some cases. He directed later videos himself and went on to direct for other artists including Ben Folds, Hanson, Black Crowes, and The Presidents of the United States of America. In addition to recording his albums, Yankovic wrote and starred in the film, UHF, and television show, The Weird Al Show. He has also made guest appearances on many television shows, in addition to starring in Al TV specials on MTV.
Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
'Cause I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
To me
Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
I see a little silhouetto of a mam
Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning - very, very frightening me
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo, Galileo
Galileo figaro - Magnifico... Hey! Hey! Hey!
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Will not let you go - let him go
Will not let you go - let him go
No, no, no, no, no no no no no!
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me
For me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh, baby - Can't do this to me, baby
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Gonna tell you a story
About Chuck and Diane
Couple British kids from
The palace at Buckingham
Chuckie wants to grow up
And be a polo star
And ride his little horsies
All around the backyard, oh yeah
You know they really paid their dues
I said hey, lawdy mama
They got them Buckingham blues
Now Chuckie goes hunting
And leaves Diane alone
So she fixes her hair
And she talks on the Princess Phone
Chuckie's still tryin' to figure out
What his job's supposed to be
And Diane's the fashion leader
Of the aristocracy
I said hey, Lady Di
Tell me where'd you get them shoes, ah
Well, hey nonny nonny
Looks like you got them Buckingham blues
Aw, bein' heir to the throne, well
It must be awful hard
Gotta pose for pictures
Out on the front yard
And Lady Di, well
She must have it pretty rough
Gotta hang around the house all day
Makin' babies and stuff
Another game of croquet
Then they're off on a Caribbean cruise
Well hey bop-a-re-bop
They really got them Buckingham blues
Ah, tell the truth, now, tell the truth
I got my mojo workin'
yeah, woo, don't help me now
Ah, hurt me mama, whoa, ah
They don't serve no Twinkies
With their afternoon tea
Never had a dinner
Made by Chef Boyardee
Bein' in the spotlight
Is a hard life to choose
Diane drops half a pound
It's on the six o'clock news, oh yeah
Those kids have really paid their dues
Oh, what a royal pain it is
When you got them Buckingham blues
[Inhale]
Beautiful tats
All over my back
Makes me so proud
I'm gonna shout it out loud
I got another tattoo baby
Yeah another tatto baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo)
(Noth noth nother tattoo)
No part of me is blank I'm really ink obsessed
It's like an art show the moment that I get undressed
At every job interview they're just so impressed
Cause I got all my ex-wives' names on my chest
Over here is clay aiken
There's a side of bacon,
And I'm in a torpedo fighting with satan
Next to hello kitty and a zombie iceskating and wait
It's ronald reagan
I got these dragons
I got these dolphins
All inscribed on me indelibly
I've had bad reactions
Bad infections
Even hepatitis c
My friends think that I need therapy
Maybe some lazer surgery
For the flaming goat skull on my knee
Knee (knee) knee (knee) knee hey
Beautiful tats (yeah) all over my back (all over)
And I've got some space here
On the side of my face here
For another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo) another tattoo baby
(Noth noth nother tattoo) another tattoo baby
No I'm not high (high)
I'm really ok (ok)
I just love these scribbles (haha) that won't go away
I got another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo a noth noth noth nother tattoo)
Another tattoo baby
(Noth noth nother tattoo babe)
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo)
Yeah
Yes there were a few
I got from a losing a bet
I misspelled a word or two
Still there's nothing I regret
My shopping trips are no sweat
There's never stuff I forget
Check out this rad boba fett
He's playing clarinet
Beautiful tats (yeah) all over my back (all over)
And what the heck (haha)
There's still room on my neck (waa)
I'll get another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo) another tattoo babe
(Noth noth nother tattoo)
I don't know why (why)
But every day (day)
Whenever folks see me
They just back away (wo)
I got another tattoo
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe)
(Noth noth nother tattoo)
Another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe)
(Noth noth nother tattoo)
Yeah
[Bzzt]
D'ow
Dehh... ok right there by my elbow. see?
Yeah I got a couple of square inches left
So maybe a squid or a tarantula or something
I dunno surprise me
D'ow
Fattened outside, big and dumb, they look
So stupid, they aren't much fun...
Cows aren't fun
They eat to grow, they grow to die, die to be
Ate at the hamburger fry...
Cows well done
Nobody thunk it, nobody knew, no one imagined
A great cow guru...
Cows are one
He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal,
He loved shape-o-Vera, a revolutionary veal...
Cows made tonnes
He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred,
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd...
Cow doll Drums
He mood "We must fight, escape or we'll die,"
Cows gathered around, 'coz the stakes were
So high...
Bad cow Pun
But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to he's fate...
Cows are bunned
He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,
No one suspected he was packin an Uzi...
Cows with guns
They came with a needle, to stick in he's thigh,
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye...
Cow well hung
Knocked over a tractor, and ran for the door,
6 gallons of gas flowed out on the floor...
Run cows, run
He picked up bolhorn and jumped on the hay,
We are free roaming bovines, we run free,
Today
[Chorus] We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our
Large heads high. We will run free with the buffalo,
For tiiiiiiide!
Cows with guns
They crashed the gate, in the great stampede,
Tipped over the milk truck, torched all the feed...
Cows have fun
60 police cars, were piled in a heap, covered in cow
Pies, covered up deep...
Much cow dung
[Chorus]
Cows with guns
The president said 'enough is enough',
He's uppety cattle, it's time to get tough...
Cow dung flung
The newspapers gloated, folk sighed with relief,
Tomorrow at noon, they'd all be ground beef...
Cows on buns
The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed,
They mood their last moos, they ate their last hay...
Cows outgunned
The order was given, to turn cow into whoppers,
Enforced by the might of 10, 000 coppers,
But on the horizon, surrounding the shoppers,
Came the deafening roar, of Chickens, in choppers...
[Chorus]
Listen to the Muzak
Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache
This is it, pal
Root Canal
My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities
Can you help me
Have mercy
Doctor, please
My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm so severe
Pain
Please stop for a bit
Let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment for
A week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon
A problem on
My x-ray
Oy vey!
I'm getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me
It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringing and the carolers are singing
While the air raid sirens blare
It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test
Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last-minute shopping
It's time to face your final destiny
Well it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath the mushroom cloud
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or jack frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbing down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill
Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on new year's day
It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke
We're gonna get nuked on this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke
We're gonna get nuked on this jolly holiday
Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why
And I told her, I said
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!"
Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD
Oh, no! I said
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(ALL RIGHT!)
Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rif solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big
I said
"Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"
Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
Watch this
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I came up with more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
So now I gotta give you part three of my confessions
First I told you 'bout the skank that I was cheatin' with
Then I mentioned she's havin' my kid
That's not all, now I recall more, you see
So I'll give you part three of my confessions
Now this gon' be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do
Gonna tell you everything I left out of parts one and two
Like, remember when I told you that I knew Pauley Shore
Pauley Shore, that's a lie, I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your ChapStick from you without asking
Oh, and I tried out your nose hair trimmer too
And by the way, your "diamond" ring is cubic zirconium
I killed your goldfish accidentally, just replaced it with another one
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I need to get some things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
Now I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There've been times when I peed in your sink
Don't know why but you and I should agree
That belongs in part three of my confessions
Baby forgive me I'm still trying to figure out
Why I used your toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grout
Oh, and sometimes in private
Really like to dress up like Shirley Temple
And spank myself with a hockey stick
My boss thinks I'm a jerk, didn't get that raise
I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days
And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you're a midget
I'm so sorry Debbie, I mean Bridget
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I got a few more secrets I'd like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
Now I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and picked up off the floor
FYI, it was not a cold sore
(Not a cold sore)
Whoops, my bad
(Hope you're not sore at me)
But you'll be madder at me when I finish part three of my confessions
You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this
But you remember that shirt you got me for my birthday?
Well, I returned it for store credit
That thing was hideous, what were you thinking?
Oh, by the way, I wasn't really sick last week
I just didn't want to go to your stupid office picnic
Oh, and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of Rice Krispies
What I meant was, there was only enough left for me, sorry
These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I can say
I thought of some more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me
I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on your cat
And I lied, yes, that dress makes you look fat
Anyway, I shouldn't say anymore
'Til I give you part four of my confessions
I mean, I'm just getting started here
I'm not even halfway down the list
This thing could go on for
Hey hey, where you goin'?
Honey?
What?
Was it something I said?
Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on
Wo, used to live in Jamaica But I don't live dere no more
Had to change me lifestyle
Do t'ings I never done before
So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman
Living in dis American town
Gonna sell me Bob Marley records
Gonna get me some Jackson Browne
I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
and get a wallet full 'o credit cards, eh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on
Wo, gonna cut off me dreadlocks
T'row away all me ganja
I'll have a tupperware party
Maybe join me a health spa
I'll get a bowl of plastic fruits
And a microwave oven, too
Then I'll have the neighbors over for a weenie barbeque
Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I get a funny little T-shirt wit' de alligator on
Ain't gonna work in de field no more
Gonna be Amway distributor
Ain't gonna work in de field no more (no, no)
Gonna be Amway distributor
(Ja) Ja, ja, ja, life is so very hard
I need a (ja) ja, ja, ja jacuzi in me back yard
Oh, I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, eh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on
What'd you say?
I gonna buy me a condo
I gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on
What'd you say?
I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
And get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on
I used to think my life was so empty
I used to think life was passin' me by
Well, I was just about ready
To curl up and die
But then one day I got a visit
From the cable company
Well, they hooked me up and plugged me right in
And now I got cable TV
And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean
Midget wrestling on channel three
It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em
Yeah, but that's all right with me
I got cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV
I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network
The news and weather from Peru
I got celebrity hockey
The Racketball Channel too
Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta
Mr. Wizard is on at five
I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car
So I can watch MTV while I drive
I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs
The kind you just can't get for free
Now I never wanna leave my apartment
'Cause there's just so much for me to see
On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV(Cable TV)
Well, if you need to find me
You know where I'll be
Watchin' my cable TV, yeah
Watchin' my cable TV
'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV
My friends are gettin' kinda worried
They think I'm turning into some kinda freak
Oh, but they're just jealous 'cause I've seen Porky's
Twenty-seven times this week
On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Yeah, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV
Well, I got to have cable TV, yeah
I need my cable TV
Well, I love, I love my cable TV (TV)
Got to have cable TV (TV)
Well, I got to have my cable TV, yeah (TV)
Can't live without my cable TV
Well, I said, got to have some cable TV (TV)
I've got to have my cable TV
I said cable TV, yeah (TV)
Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time
Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear wathing "Ernest Goes To Camp"
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy anyway
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today
I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive
Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
My belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't gonna work, no way
Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Don't wanna be some beer swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hose-head?
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed
They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packin' heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny?
Their stupid Monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all
Well maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing they're talkin' aboot
Sure they got their national health care
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of drivin' a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan
Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out their temperature in Celsius
See the map, they're hoverin' right over us
Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous
Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose and they'll just say "sorry"
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
It's gotta mean they're all up to somethin'
So quick, before they see it comin'
Time for a pre-emptive strike!
Kirk: I am the captain of the Starship Enterprise.
Spock: Captain Kirk: This is Spock.
Please step on the transporter.
Scotty: Dilithium crystals!
Hit by Klingon missiles!
McCoy: I’m a doctor!
Kirk: Not an actor!
McCoy: Not a milkman!
Kirk: What does that mean?
McCoy: And I’m sorry -- He’s dead, Jim.
Chekov: Photon torpedo . . . !
Kirk: Lieutenant Uhura,
Open hailing frequencies
Uhura: Yes, Captain Kirk,
Opening hailing frequencies, sir
Kirk: Let’s boldly go where no one’s gone before!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .
Beam me up, Mr. Scott;
Sulu, go to warp!
Sulu: Warp three, sir.
Kirk: No! That will be way too slow!
Sulu: Warp four, sir?
Kirk: That still is way too slow!
Sulu: Warp five, sir.
Kirk: It still is too damn slow!
Sulu: Warp six.
Kirk: It’s too damn slow!
Sulu: Warp seven?
Kirk: It’s still damn slow!
Chorus: It’s too damn slow . . . !
Kirk: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Mr. Chekov, Mr. Chekov --
Chekov: I am firing torpedo!
Spock: That will not work and would be illogical
To me, to me, to me . . . !
[Intro:]
I saw a baby drive a truck
I saw a junkie eat a tuba
I saw a stripper kiss a duck
Behind a dumpster in Aruba
[Verse 1:]
I saw this fat, psychotic guy
His underwear was made of crickets
He pawned a skeleton to buy
Some old expired lotto tickets
[Pre-Chorus 1:]
I saw a naked vagrant giving
Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat
I probably could have gone my whole life
Without seeing that
[Chorus:]
With my own eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes
[Verse 2:]
I saw a mime get hacked to death
With an imaginary cleaver
I saw an old man's final breath
I watched him die from Bieber Fever
I saw these diabetic chicks
In an abandoned 7-Eleven
I watched them snorting pixie sticks
While they were belching Stairway To Heaven
[Pre-Chorus 2:]
I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers
They could shove up each other's nose
I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose
That's just the way it goes
[Chorus 2]
With my own eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes (my own eyes)
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee
With my own eyes
[Verse 3:]
Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra
And he trained it to massage his back
My guinea pig committed hara-kiri
So we used him to play hacky-sack
My neighbor's kids sold weapons grade plutonium
And frosty ice-cold lemonade
They took MasterCard and sometimes
Human organs in trade, that's how we paid
I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade
[Outro:]
With my own eyes
I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes (my own eyes)
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee
With my own eyes [repeating]
[Verse 1:]
Tuesday morning, 8:15
I was riding to work on the
Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed
In a way I never could have guessed
Cause she walked in
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile
She smiled as if to say
"Hello, Haven't seen you on this bus before"
I gave her a look that said
"Huh, Life is funny, you never know what's in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins"
She looked at me in a way that asked
"Did you have a nose job or something?
I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face"
I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly
Which was my way of asking
"Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, Kinda
And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left"
Then, she let out a long sigh
Which, I took to mean, "Uh"
"Mama, What is that deodorant you're wearing?
It's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime?
And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie", Oh yeah
I gave her a penetrating stare
Which could only mean
"You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver's test"
[Chorus:]
Yes, It all happened
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
[Verse 2:]
I knew she was starting to fall for me
Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
"Baby, lets wear each other's clothes
And speak in a Victorian accent
And, maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet-grooming service"
I couldn't hold back my feelings
I gave her a look, that said
"I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together
Oh, surgically grafted together"
She picked up her newspaper, and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me
"When you're cold, I will warm you
When you're shivering, I will hold you
When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour
For as long as the symptoms persist"
Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry
So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder
Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second
In a way that clearly implied
"I like your boobs"
[Chorus]
[Verse 3:]
I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say, "Hey
I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells
That you slough off while you sleep at night"
Whoa-o-Oh, "I'd like to rip you wide open
And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs
Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin
But not in a creepy way"
Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye
And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard
She was saying, "Oh!
I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon
I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight
Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm"
I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating
"Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth"
She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say
"Here?", I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"
And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly
"Where are you going?", pleaded my eyes, "Baby, don't you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have someday
We could school them at home, Raise them up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no
Baby, please don't go"
She brushed my leg, as she left the bus
I'm sure that was her way of saying
"I'm sorry this just isn't working out
You're suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life's all about
So, goodbye forever, my love"
And deep inside, I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on
And though, I never got her number, oh no no
She never bothered to leave her address, oh
But, as long as I live, I'll never forget
Those precious moments we shared together
[Outro:]
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
Now, you won't find me braggin'
'Bout my big green station wagon
Or tellin' 'bout the traffic laws I'm breakin'
Everybody knows that I wouldn't dare
Match my wits with a red Corvair
And just the thought of a Pinto leaves me shakin'
Now, I don't think that I could hack
Drivin' a big white Cadillac
With ripped up upholstery and unnecessary frills
No, I don't think that I could bear
Drivin' somethin' other than a Belvedere
In a Belvedere I can really get my thrills
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
Just watch me pass that Porsche on the right
I can take you anywhere
In my 1964 Belvedere
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
I don't think that I could cruise
In one of those small VW's
Or zip along the highway in a classy pickup truck
There's somethin' 'bout a Comet
That makes me wanna vomit
And those Datsuns just ain't worth a Fudgesicle, no
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
You got nothin' to lose but your life
It can take away your blues
All you've gotta do is cruise
In my big black Plymouth Belvedere tonight
With red upholstery
Goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight, yes indeed
Woo, goin' Belvedere cruisin' tonight
You know my baby likes burping
You know my baby's kinda nauseating
My little vulgar one is so gross
'Cause when I hold her in my arms so close she goes
And out in public it's embarrassing
She'll burp at anyone or anything
She's so revolting and disgusting
And repulsive to me, yeah
My little lady's so obnoxious
Today she walked onto a Greyhound bus goin'
And then a couple hours later
My baby's in a crowded elevator
That little filthy pig is so obscene
I'm really glad she doesn't like beans
She's so revolting and disgusting
And repulsive to me, yeah
Oh, I wonder what's her trip
Oh, she'd better can it quick
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick
If baby does it anymore
I think I'll just pretend like I don't know her
You know my baby likes burping
You know my baby is really sickening
Your sports team is vastly inferior
That simple fact is plainly obvious to see
We're gonna kick your collective posterior
Of course you realize we're speaking figuratively
Our stats are thoroughly impressive
Our coach really has the Midas touch
Our players are fast and strong and brave
And your guys, eh, not so much
In fact we've played teams across the nation
And you're the worst one we've come across
Try to assimilate that information
And it just might help you cope with your impending loss
Oh, and if somehow we are still failing
To affectively articulate the points at hand
Allow us now to summarize them in a manner
That your feeble brains can understand
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
You see there's us (we're great)
And then there's you (you suck)
We're really, really great (really great)
In contrast, you really suck (really suck)
Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great
But nevertheless, you suck
Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat
That theory's backed up by empirical evidence
We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat
Again, of course, we're speaking in the figurative sense
What's the use of even going through the motions
When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow
So why don't you save us all some time
And give up now (you suck! )
One, two, a-one, two, three, four
Well I, can't go to the park
I can't go to work
I can't do nothin'
I gotta stay in my house like a jerk
How come I always lose
My car has blown a fuse
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues
You know, can't visit my girlfriend
I can't go to school
I can't go anywhere
Gotta stay in my room like a fool
'Cause I got grease in my hair
My Belvedere's in disrepair
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues
So I, went to see my mechanic
He said, "Okay, now what is wrong"
I told him my car wouldn't start
He said, "This shouldn't take very long"
So he replaced all my plugs and my points
And he looked at my carburetor
He took out my engine and turned it around
And then seventeen hours later
He looked at my headlights and said
"Son, how long have these things been on"
I told him, "Oh, about three or four weeks"
He said, "Buddy, I know what's wrong"
"But I hate to be the one to give you the news"
"You got the dead car battery blues"
So now I, can't go to my office
Can't work on my job
I might as well lock myself up in my room
And live my life like a slob
How come I always lose
My Belvedere has blown a fuse
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
Well, woke up this morning
With a Big Mac in my hand
What fries, whose fries
Where's my Hot Apple Pies
Must be a joke
I can't believe there's no Coke
[Verse 1:]
I'm waking up in Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm using my inhaler now [wheezes]
I'm out of shape, fattening up
I'm sipping Coke from a solo cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa
[Chorus:]
The TV's on, I really hate this show
I can't reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place
I'm really inactive, I'm so inactive
I'm really inactive, highly inactive
[Verse 2:]
My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied
Always lose my fight with gravity
I rest my bones, and just chillax
My nordictrack's collecting dust
And my stairmaster's a pile of rust
This is it, the inertia
[Chorus:]
I can't get up, this couch is part of me
I'm growing cobwebs on my knee
Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age
I could read my rib cage, here is my age
I'm really inactive, yes, quite inactive
I'm really inactive, not very active
[Bridge:]
Near comatose, no exercise
Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive
[Chorus:]
I'm giving up, my energy is shot.
I'm never moving from this spot
Never move from this place, move from this place
I'll stay here in this place, right in this place
I'm really inactive, just so inactive
I'm really inactive, not so attractive
This is 'Weird Al' Yankovic and you're listening to the Dr. Demento show
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
Did you know Froot Loops fit in your nose
I may be just a simple guy
But just the thought of Corn Flakes makes me high
Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, Cheerios
Makes me want to take off all my clothes
I love them dearly, and that's how it goes
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
Get your program running
Head out to the center
Terminals are waiting
For the data that you'll enter
Everybody says that you're a nerd, but
They should know that you just don't care
Got your Hewlett-Packard on your belt and
Vaseline in your hair
Like a true mommy's child
You were born, born to be mild
When your batteries die
You're always gonna cry
Born to be mild
Pencils in your pocket
Patent leather briefcase
Studying your Fortran
You got pimples on your face
Gotta do your homework
Forget about the prom dance
They think that you're a big jerk
'Cause you wear a pair of flood pants
Every day you wake up
Your oscilloscope is humming
Parties tend to break up
Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime.
I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day.
Mom would be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tunafish burritos
for our big Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam.
And then, the big day would finally arrive.
I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa,
a-and when he finally showed up,
we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised
to give us everything we wanted! Ah, yeah, those were the days.
[Verse 1:]
My maid is cleaning my bathroom, so I can't take a shower
When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour
I couldn't order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two
Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu
Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen
I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine
Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don't they know how to text? OMG!
I got
[Chorus:]
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
(First world problems)
First world, first world problems
[Verse 2:]
I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator
Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later
Tried to fast forward commercials, can't - I'm watching live T.V
I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten free
My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte
[Chorus]
[Verse 3:]
Can't remember which car I drove to the mall
My Sonicare won't recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal
The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching
My house is so big, I can't get WiFi in the kitchen
Uh, I had to buy something I didn't even need just
so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon
[Chorus x2]
[Outro]
(Laughing)
[parody of "doctor! doctor!" by the thompson twins]
Woah, ’cause he’s my doctor, doctor,
And his name is bernie, bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
I’m feelin’ pretty dismal.
Doctor, doctor,
And his name is bernie, bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
Where’s my pepto bismol?
Stop!
Don't shoot,
wait a minute
Mister Postman
(Please!)
Put down that weapon,
Mister Postman
Mister Postman, can this be? (Oww Noooo)
Is that an uzi in your bag I see?
(Please, Please)
You've been so quiet for such a long time (Ow no)
Has linkin steps made you lose your mind
Through wind and rain they've always tried
Seems to me like they're real nice guys
The pay is good
The uniform is snappy
We don't know why they go trigger happpy
Mister Postman
Can this be?
Is that a uzi in your bag I see?
You've been so quiet for such a long time
Has linkin steps made you lose your mind?
You got to wait a minute, wait a minute
Ow yeah
wait a minute, wait a minute
Oh yeah
He's the poooohoowhostman
Oh yeah
(You! In the postoffice! Put down that letter opener.)
You got to wait a minute, wait a minute
Don't shoot!
wait a minute, wait a minute
Don't shoot!
Rock the cradle of love. Rock the cradle of love
Yes, the cradle of love
Don't rock easy, it's true
Rock the cradle of love
I rocked the cradle of love
Yes, the cradle of love
Don't rock easy, it's true
Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo
(Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo)
The Love Shack is a little old place where
We can get together
Love Shack, baby
(Love Shack, baby, Love Shack)
Hey!
Pump up the jam (hey!). Pump up the jam (hey!)
Pump up the jam, pump it up!
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can to it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
The things you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things you say
You're unbelieveable
(Oh!)
Do me, baby. Do me, baby
You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night
You can do me when you wanna do me
Yodalodaladyhoo!
Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land
The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the Hump
Do me, baby
Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump
Do me, baby
Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump
She's my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face ten miles wide
Look so good, make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie-yi-yi
Woo!
Drum solo!
I miss you so much (M-O-I miss you so much)
I really miss you much (M-I-S-S you so much)
I miss you so much (M-O-I miss you so much)
I really miss you much
Hey, I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
Oh, I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no no no
He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood
He's the one that makes you fell all right
He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood
He's gonna be your Frankenstein
Let's kick it!
If you got a problem, (yo!) I'll solve it
Check out the beat while the DJ revolves it
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby... Word to your mother!
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby forever
I'll be your ife... ice... baby!
Krabby, Snubbull, Venonat
Mankey, Chansey and Zubat
Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree
Lugia and Caterpie
Oddish, Poliwag, Goldeen
Elekid and Nidoqueen
Victreebel and Magneton - Everybody Polkamon!
Aerodactyl, Seel, Machoke
Marill, Moltres, then Slowpoke
Articuno, Ditto, Muk
Flareon and ol' Psyduck
Cloyster, Kingler, Shellder, Gloom
Snorlax and of course Vileplume
Zapdos and Charmeleon - Everybody Polkamon!
It's time to polka
For Ponyta and Pidgey too
Come on put on your lederhosen
And try not to stamp on little Pikachu
You'd better grab yourself a partner
Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur (Bulbasaur)
Hold on a minute - there's still at least a hundred and twenty-seven more
Including Ledyba and Omastar
Jynx, Bellossom and Magmar
Geodude and Arcanine
Jiggypuff and Mr. Mime
Don't forget about Sandslash
Exeggcute and Rapidash
Lickitung and Porygon - Everybody Polkamon!
Everybody Polkamon!
It's getting late, so I suppose
We should be drawing to a close
Besides, my voice is sounding horse
And even my rhymes are getting worse
Poor Wendy's feeling in the dumps
She's worn her fingers down to stumps
And so, farewell, this record's through
Now go find something else to do
Some girls like to buy new shoes
And others like driving trucks and
Wearing tattoo’s
There’s only one thing that they
All like a bunch,
Oh, Girls they Wanna Have Lunch
Oh, Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch.
I know how to keep a woman satisfied
When I’m without my Diner’s Card
Their eyes get so wide.
They’re always in the mood for
Something to munch
Oh, Girls They Wanna Have Lunch
Oh, Girls Just Want To Have…
That’s all they really want
Some lunch
Don’t ask them to dinner or breakfast
Or brunch
‘Cos Girls They Wanna Have Lunch
Oh, Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch
Girls They Want, Wanna Have Lunch,
Girls Wanna have…
She eats like she got a hole in her neck,
And I’m the one that always gets stuck with the cheque
Can’t figure out how come they don’t weigh a tone
Oh, Girls They Wanna Have Lunch
Oh, Girls Just Wanna Have…
That’s all they really want,
Some lunch
Don’t know for certain but I’ve got a hunch
Those Girls they wanna have lunch,
Oh, Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch…
Girls, They Want, Wanna Have Lunch
Girls Wanna have…
They just wanna, they just wanna girls
they just wanna, they just wanna
Girls Just Wanna Have lunch
They just wanna, they just wanna
They just wanna, they just wanna.
Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand
Saturday night, it's the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed
I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out - literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey, hey
Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head for dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu
Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Yeah, party at the leper colony
Well, there's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Last night I was surfing on the internet
Speeding through cyber space (you've got mail)
I was in a chatroom, wound up in an adult site
Oh my god I recognize that face
Grandpa he's a pornstar
He's an internet cyber stud
Grandpa he's a pornstar
Check out his little butt
He's on Geritol
He's shooting blanks, 88 years old (oh)
Look he's fallen and he can't get up
Can't get it up, get down
With your bad self
Find a trapeez, no BVDs
Crack that whip
Don't break a hip
Check out his funky hip gyration
He must be taking his medication
Grandpa's so hot he smokes
If he keeps it up he'll have a stroke
Grandpa he's a pornstar
He's an internet cyber stud
Grandpa he's a pornstar
Check out his little butt
He's on Geritol
Laced with viagra, he's 80 years old (oh)
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
Couldn't think of any lyrics
No I never wrote the lyrics
So I'll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child
You really need words
A whole lotta rhymin words
You gotta write so many words
Hmm mmm
To do it, to do it, to do it,
To do it, to do it, to do it right, child
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
I know that your probably sore
Cuz I didnt write any more
I just didnt get to complete it
So thats why I gotta repeat it
This song's just six words long (six words long)
This song's just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton o' money
They're payin me plenty o' money
To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh how will I fill so much time
Hmm mmm
I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo here
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's got nothin to say
But Im recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhym here
Oh ya gotta have a-music
Ya need really catchy music
This song has got plenty o' music
But just six words, child
And so I'll sing em over
and over and over and over
and over and over and over
Hmm mmm
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over again
Six words long
Six words long
Six words long
Six words long (fading)
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
Couldn’t think of any lyrics
No I never wrote the lyrics
So I’ll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child
You really need words
Whole lotta rhyming words
You gotta rhyme so many words, mm-mm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it, to do it right, child
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
I know that you’re probably sore
’cause I didn’t write any more
I just didn’t get to complete it
So that’s why I gotta repeat it
This song is just six words long (six words long)
This song is just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton of money
They’re payin’ me plenty of money
To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh, how will I fill so much time, mm-mm
I’ll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo
A solo, a solo here
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song’s got nothin’ to say
But I’m recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhyme here
Oh, you gotta have-a music
You need really catchy music
This song has got plenty of music
But just six words, child
And so I’ll sing’ em over
And over and over and over
And over and over and over, mm-mm
And over and over and over
And over and over and over again
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
This song is just six words long
It’s just six words long
(knock, knock, knock)
-Hey, let me in I gotta Go!
-Wait didn't you just Go like, a half an hour ago?
-Yeah, but I gotta go again!
Oh, no!
Got a girl with a really small bladder,
knocking on a bathroom door.
Busted in and she bearly made it,
she dribbled on the bathroom floor.
She would not believe me,
when I said: "Go before We leave"
We had bearly started drivin',
when she told me she's got to Pee.
When I try to drive I see her drink a bottle water
Always has to wizz and she wonders why I'm bothered
When she says "Pull Over!" she means, what she's sayin'
Runs to the bathroom just before she starts her sprayin'
You'd think a grown woman would have a better controll
A little "number one" shouldn't be so hard to hold
But she goes about a hundred times a day,
Meanwhile I stand outside the bathroom and I wait!
In the middle of the movie,
She gotta Pee
Everytime we start drivin'
She gotta Pee
She even did it in the shower
She gotta Pee
She's gotta go every hour!
She gotta Pee
Wakes me up while I'm sleapin'
She gotta Pee
To the toilet, she's a creapin'
She gotta Pee
We Go after dinner
She gotta Pee
Sometimes her friends go with her.
Got a girl with a really small bladder,
knocking on a bathroom door.
Busted in and she bearly made it,
she dribbled on the bathroom floor.
She would not believe me,
when I said: "Go before We leave"
We had bearly started drivin',
when she told me she's got to Pee.
The Shark is not a friendly fish
That fact it's always proving
It seems this creatures' favorite dish is
Anything that's moving
He'll chew your face off in a flash
Or cheat you if you let him
So never loan him any cash
And be careful when you pet him
(Parody of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)
Poor Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shier
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town
La la la didy dah
La la lily da da dum
Sling us a web you're the Spiderman
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil-doers to fight
Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great surprise
It seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss up-side down in the rain
"With great power comes great responsibility"
That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben
If you missed it, don't worry they'll say the line
Again and again and again
La la la didy dah
La la didy da da dum
Now Norman's a billionaire scientist
Who never had time for his son
And then somthin' went screwee
And before you knew
He was trying to kill everyone
Then he'd ridin' around on that glider-thing
And he'd throw in that weird pumpkin bomb
Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask
But he's scarier without it on
Sling us a web you're the Spiderman
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now
But where'd you come up with those tights
It's a pretty sad day at the funeral
Norman Osbourne has bitten the dust
And I heard Harry said he wants Spiderman dead
Ah but his buddy Pete he can trust
Oh and M.J. is all hot for Peter now
Ah but Peter he just shuts her down
Mary Jane don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the sequel comes around
La la la didy dah
La la didy da da dum
Sling us a web you're the Spiderman
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
We think that you'll do alright
(ends with harmonica and piano)
[parody of "maneater" by hall & oates]
Oh, oh, here she comes.
Boy, she likes that processed meat.
Oh, oh, here she comes.
She’s spameater!
I've learned a few things in my life about snails
They don't care for salt and they leave icky trails
It's pretty darn hard to tell one from the udder
And French people like 'em with garlic and butter
(Weird Al Yankovic)
Look,if had,one shot,to sit on ur lazy butts,and watch all the tv u wanted,
untill ur brain turned to mush,would go for it...or just let it slip
Yo......
The molds is ready,eyes wide,palms are sweaty
the Flintstones on the T.V. already,Wilmer and Betty
No Vergins,The Channell Surfer,and im H.D ready,
So I flip,garbage is all im gettin,the simon caill,
The folks who wanna disembowl,he just opens his mouth,
homer says sumthin fowl,there dyin..WOW,
wanna-bes are cryin now,the votes amount,time to throw in the towel,
the shows based on Reality,oh..the humanity..,..oh the z's family show
shows profanity,
Elmo's got a gun
Elmo's got a gun
Big bird's on the run
Ernie's dialin' 911
What made elmo snap,
Was he tired of big birds crap?
They said when Elmo was arrested
They found Oscar headless in the trash
I hear that Gordon's really runnin
Now that elmos got a gun,
The streets never gonna be the same.
Elmo's got a gun
Elmo's got a gun
Grover's head has come undone
Sesame street's not real fun -
*GUNSHOT*
You want me to walk around sesame street without a bulletproof vest?!
Yeah
A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay
My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay
Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay
I'll buy ... your knick-knack
Just check ... my feedback
"A++!" they all say
They love me on eBay
Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay
I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please ya
As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy ... your tchotchkes
Sell me ... your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...)
I'm highest bidder now
(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
(Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks)
Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)
What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
It's Christmas at ground zero, there's music in the air.The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are
singin', While the air raid sierens blair.
It's Christmas at ground zero, the button has been pressed. The radio just let us know that htis is not a test.
Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin', It's the end of all humanity. No more time for last minute
shoppin'. Its time to face your final destiny.
It's Christmas at ground zero, There's panic in the crowd. We can dodge debry while we trim the tree
underneath a mushroom cloud.
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop. Or jackfrost on your window sill - but if someone's cimbin'
down your chimney.. you better load your gun and shoot to kill!
It's Christmas at ground zero, and if the radiation level's OK - I'll go out with you, and see all the new,
mutations on New Years' Day.
It's Christmas at ground-zero, just seconds left to go. I'll duck and cover with my yule-tide lover,
underneath the mistletoe.
It's Christmas at ground zero, now the missles are on their way. What a crazy fluke, we're gonna get
nuked on this jolly holiday. What a crazy ol' fluke! We're gonna get nuked! -- on this jolly - holiday ----
jamie's got a gun,
jamie's got a gun,
miles on tha run,
hayles dialing 911,
wat made jamie snap,
was he tired of miles crap
They said when jamie was arrested,
They found sean headless in the trash,
I hear that jay's really runnin,
Now that jamie's got a gun,
The streets never gonna be the same,
jamie's got a gun,
jamie's got a gun,
mitch's head has come undone,
smokers street isnt real fun,
*SCREAM*
You want me to walk around,
smokers street without a,
bulletproof vest?!?
Forget about it!
[parody of "Hold Me Now" by The Thompson Twins]
I had a pizza,
Covered with cheese.
I wrapped it all up in aluminum foil,
Stuck it back in the freeze.
Look at my crust now,
See what I mean.
It's getting all wrinkled,
And my pepperoni is hairy and green.
Ah, 'cause it's moldy now,
It got moldy fast.
How can I
Make leftovers last, make leftovers last?
I was so hungry,
What could I do?
I finished the pizza
And topped it all off with some mystery stew.
Now I feel kinda queasy,
Yeah, yeah, what can I say?
So I called my physician
To wish him that he'd make a house call today.
Hello, Kermit The Frog here
And welcome to Sensamere Street
I'd like to tell you what today's letter is
But I am really f**ked up!
Hey, hey Big Bird
Do you know what today's letter is?
Sure Kermit! Today's letter is... Joint
Urrr.... Big Bird, joint is not a letter
It is a word
Sorry kids! Todays letter is three!
Umm.... Big Bird, three is a number
Exactly! the number three
Which is how many joints I've smoked today
Kermit.... are ya with me?
mmm... God Im stoned!.... Me too!
[Starts laughing]
[Elmo] Guys guys! Show go on, Come on!
Uh, thank you Elmo, um
How about we say our ABC's Big Bird?
O...K
A... B... C... D... E... F.... uh G
Q...K...C...R...C...F
I forgot what we were doing Kramit!
Did you just call umm me Kramit?
Yes I did
Mmm Kramit The Frog here
[Starts giggling]
Ok, ok thats all the time we have for today
Goodbye kids, todays show was brought to you by
The uhh... letter...
Bong
And the number...
God you're messed up
F**k you, the number f**k you
Bye bye
Bye bye kids
A long, long time ago,
In a galaxy far away,
Naboo was under an attack.
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn,
Could talk the Federation in
to maybe cutting them a little slack.
But their response, it didn't thrill us,
They locked the doors and tried to kill us.
we escaped from that gas,
And met Jar Jar and Boss Nass.
We took a Bongo from the scene,
And we went to Theed to see the Queen.
We all wound up on Tatooine,
That's where we found this boy.
Chourus: Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave?
But he can use the force, they say.
Oh, do you see him hittin' on the Queen?
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen.
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her, some day.
Well, I know he built C-3PO,
And I heard how fast his pod can go.
And we were broke, it's true,
So we made a wager or two.
Well, he was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace.
And the minute Jabba started off that race,
Well, I knew who'd win first place,
Oh yes, it was our boy!
We started singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
Well, we finally got to Coruscant,
The Jedi council, we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be.
So we took him there and we told the tale,
How his midichlorions were off the scale,
and he might fullfill that prophecy.
Oh, the council was impressed, of course,
Could he bring balance to the force?
They interviewed the kid,
Oh, training they forbid!
Because, Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, 'now listen here!
Just stick in your pointy ear,
I still, will teach this boy!'
He was singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
We caught a ride back to Naboo,
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to,
I frankly would've liked to stay.
We all fought in that epic war,
And it wasn't long at all before,
Little hot-shot flew his plane and saved the day.
And in the end some Gungans died.
Some ships blew up
And some pilots fried.
A lot of folks were croakin',
The battle droids were broken!
And the Jedi I admire most,
Met up with Darth Maul, and now he's toast
I'm still here, and he's a ghost
I guess, I'll train the boy.
And I was singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
We were singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying
'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
once their was this kid who
took a trip to singapore
and brought along his spray painting
when, he finally came back
he had, cane marks all over his bottom.
he said that it was from
when the warden whacked it sooo hard.
mmmmmmm
mmmmmmm
once their was this girl who
swore that one day she would be a figure-skating champion
and when, she finally made it
she saw, some other girl who was better
and so she hired some guy
to club her in the kneecaps.
mmmmmmm
mmmmmmm
they got paid for their soundbites
and sold their tv movie rights
and then their was this guy who
made his wife so mad one night
that she cut off his wiener
and when he finally came to
he found
that mr happy was missing
he could't quite explain it
it had always just been their
mmmmmmm
mmmmmmm
ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhhh
ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhhh
(music goes on for about a minute then fades out)
Oh Boobie, Boobie
Oh Boobie, Boobie
Oh Boobie, Boobie my chest was supposed to grow... My cleavage wasn't right, yea
Now boobies, boobies, my breasts are completely full and now my sweater's tight...
Surgery, I want to be a "D"
Bigger Memories
I want them to show now because
My chests flatness was killing me
And I, I must confess, I paid for these, paid for these
Are they big enough? I'm just a child. It's not a crime!
Make my boobies one more size.
Oh Baby, Baby, I've got Double D's it's true and now you've all been blinded
Oh pretty boobies, you're so big and new and white boys just can't stand it
Hey now, I have got a stalker
And he's telling me to seal these knockers up because
My chests flatness was killing me
And I, I must confess I paid for these, paid for these
Can't make em bigger I'm just a child
It's not a crime
Make my boobies one more size.
Kate: Why can't I be like you Jack?
Jack: Come on let's do it here,
I'll show you how. Come on!
Kate: What? Jack, no! Jack no!
Jack: Come on....
No Jack I couldn't possibly Jack!
Jack: Now watch closely... *FART*
Kate: That's disgusting!
Jack: Hehe, alright your turn. *fart* That was pitiful!
Come on get some leverage in it
Use your arms.
Arch your neck!
Kate: *fart* Gaah
Jack: You see the range on that thing?
Kate: Uh-huh.
Jack: 'Kay go. *fart*
Jack: That's better, you need to work on it though.
Kate: Really?
Jack: Yeah. Ya know, ya gotta get some body to it,
Ya gotta *groan, FART*
God, look at that thing.
Kate: Stay back! Don't come any closer! *FART*
Celine: You are safe in my fart and
My fart will my fart will fart will go on and on
Beverly
Beverly Hillbillies
Huh, now lookie here people
Listen to my story
A little story 'bout a man named Jed
You know something?
That poor mountaineer
They say he barely kept his family fed
Now, let me tell you
One day he was shootin'
Old Jed was shootin' at some food
When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there
Well, there came a bubblin' crude
Oil that is Well, maybe you call it black gold or Texas tea
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale
And be a Beverly hillbilly
Before you know it, all the kinfolk are-a-sayin'
Yeah, buddie, move away from there
That little Clampet got his own cement pond
That little Clampet, he's a millionaire
Now, everyone said Californie
Is the place that you oughta be
We got to load up this here truck now
We got to move to Beverly
Hills, that is
Swimming pools
Move-a-move-a-movie stars
Lookit that, lookit that
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
(parody of 'Carnival Of The Animals' by Camille Saint-Saens)
This is a new composition which features
A random assortment of all living creatures
You'll find that it's not quite exactly the same
As the one by Camille Saint what's-his-name
Camille, in his research, was slightly behind
And I guess that some critters just plain slipped his mind
So to fill in this void in the Animal Kingdom
I'll read some new verses. I'm not gonna sing them.
So kindly shut up and I'll narrate for you
'Carnival of the Animals Part Two'
I could tell you a story about the IguanaBut right at the moment I don't really wanna
How about making a run for the border
How about me deserving a break today
How about getting some fries with my order
How about finally letting me have it my way
Thank you Burger King
Thank you Dairy Queen
Thank you, thank you KFC
Thank you Pizza Hut
Thank you Taco Bell
Fatter, fatter
Shake 'n Bake, fatter
Shake 'n Bake, fatter
Fatter
Corndogs, pizza, Coca Cola
Yogurt, butterscotch, granola
Look at me, I'm fatter
I'm fatter, I'm fatter
Friends all gather 'round me
My enemies surround me
Yelling "Fatso, fatso, fatso"
I've eaten at every single greasy spoon on Seventh Avenue
That's right, I'm fatter
Don't you know my weight is going up, up, up, up, up
I tell you, this turkey sure is tough
Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough
They got pizza on the west side
French fries up town
Corn dogs deep fried in batter
I'm fatter
Go ahead, bite the big apple
Don't mind the calories
Pile it on my platter
I'm fatter
I know to keep a woman satisfied.
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide.
They're always in the mood for something to munch.
Ah girls, they wanna have lunch.
Ah, girls just wanna have...
That's all they really want,
Some lunch.
Don't ask 'em to dinner
Or breakfast or brunch,
'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch.
Ah, girls just wanna have lunch.
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he's no bum, he lives down the street.
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say,
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions,
I won't put up a fight.
Burger King!
What's the price for fries?
I'll take the jumbo size!
Hey! Oooh! Oh!
One rule you all should obey:
Eat from the four basic food groups everyday.
Have bread, and vegetables too,
Some dairy products, but whatever you do
Don't you forget about meat.
Don't, don't, don't, don't,
Woah, 'cause he's my doctor, doctor,
And his name is Bernie, Bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
I'm feelin' pretty dismal.
Doctor, doctor,
And his name is Bernie, Bernie.
Oh, doctor, doctor,
The first steak I ordered,
It wasn't very hot.
I had to send it back,
Let 'em have one more shot.
But the second steak I ordered,
Well it was lousy too.
Now I really hate to say it,
But there's one thing that you gotta do.
Make me steak number three, yeah.
Make me steak number three.
Make me steak number three, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Down on the street they got bagels
And there's a sale on cream cheese and lox
Nosh on some blintzes and bratwurst
Not in the mood for Jack-In-The-Box
Oy vey
We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue
Kielbasa and chopped liver
We gonna schlepp on through to Flatbush Avenue
Goin' to the market now, market now.
I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer.
Walkin' down the shopping aisle, shopping aisle,
Filling up my basket with Oscar Meyer.
Never gonna stop, eat it up,
Such a tasty snack.
I always eat too much, and throw up,
But I'll soon be back
For my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna!
Coming this Christmas to a theatre near you
The most horrifying film that hit the screen.
There's a homicidal maniac who finds a cub-scout troop
and he hacks up two or three in each scene.
Pleease don't reveal the secret ending to your friends
Don't spoil the big surprise You won't believe your eyes when you see
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
See severed heads that almost fall into your lap.
See that bloody hatchet coming right at you.
No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again
Until we bring nature trail to hell part 2
So bring the kids along it's good clean family fun.
What have you got to lose if you like the 6 O'Clock news then you'll love...
(Chorus)
(Some cool music for a while)
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature Trail to hell in 3-D
(Some weird music for a very short while)
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell
(CAN YOU WAIT FOR?!?)
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell in 3-D 3-D
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to heeeeeeeeeell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
(Ending Piano chord L.V.)
Ooh, my little hungry one, hungry one
Open up a package of my bologna
Ooh, I think the toast is done, the toast is done
Top it with a little of my bologna
Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up
But I'll soon be back for my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-my bologna
Spreadin' on the mustard now, show me how
Spread it on a litle of this bologna
Hopin' that we don't run out, don't run out
If we do I'm sure that I'll miss bologna
Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up
But I'll soon be back for my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna
Goin' to the market now, market now
I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer
Walkin' down the shopping isles, shopping isles
Filling up my basket with Oscar Meyer
Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up
But I'll soon be back for my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna
Yo, check this out,
It's a little bit of a problem that I got; Tell me, tell me,
Uh, Its been resolved,
But, it's, uh, a little bit strange.
Let me tell you a little story about my ride,
About my car, About the engine that is inside my car,
You see, the muffler is broke,
It seems like it got torn;
The problem is the noise and the smoke,
It flows inside my cockpit makin' people choke,
And worse yet the thing is poisonous gases,
Doin' much worse than foggin' up your glasses.
My girlfriend fell asleep,
We were sittin' in a driveway listenin' to a beat,
I guess it was about 15 minutes, when,
I started fellin' woozy, I asked her what's with it,
Well, she didn't make a peep,
And I started realizin' that maybe she wasn't asleep,
Could this be something more drastic,
Like Michael Jackson's nose bein' made of freakin' plastic,
The situation was very extreme,
It appeared my little lady had turned into a has been,
So I slapped her in the face, it wasn't because I was a violent man,
I thought it would wake her up,
And then it didn't wake her up,
I realized somethin; was up,
Should I call the cops?
My girlfriend died,
From carbon dioxide,
What should I do?
My girlfriend died,
From carbon dioxide,
What should I do?
My girlfriend died.
I went and grabbed a shovel,
I felt like Joe Pesci,
I made the dicision to go to the widerness,
I left my window down beacuse I'm feelin' it,
I didn't want those fumes to make me die,
Cool breeze in my face keepin' me alive,
I never buried a body before,
But when you bury the body make sure the body's dead,
That's when my girlfriend said,
"Ohh, the cool breeze feels good blowin' on my throbbin' head"
Then I realized I had made a mistake,
My girl was never dead, she was just not awake,
She said "Why do you have a shovel in your hand?"
And I said "I was going to bury you in the sand"
She said "You were going to bury me in the woods?"
And I said "Uhh, yeah, uhh, sorry I was not good"
My girlfriend died,
From carbon dioxide,
I saaw you dead,
My girlfriend died,
Whatcha goina do when your girlfriend dy(fades)
My girlfriend died,
From carbon dioxide,
I saw you dead (repaeats and fades)
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chika chicka) Darth Vader
HI my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chicka chicka) Darth Vader
The power, of the dark side. I have you now.
Don't make me destroy you.
Oh, Impressive. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Indeed, you are powerful, As the emporer has forseen.
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chicka chicka) Darth Vader
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chicka chicka) Darth Vader
It is pointless to resist, my son. I know there's good in you.
Your skills are complete.
You will join us or DIE, master.
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (tiki tiki) Darth Vader
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chicka chicka) Darth Vader
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chicka chicka) Darth Vader
my name is... (What?)
my name is (Who?)
my name is (chicka chicka) Darth Vader
I visit Mr. Frump in the hospital
I see him most every day
And when I see Mr. Frump in his iron lung
This is what I hear him say
Y'know, Mr. Frump is my very best friend
He's never a chump or a tease
He never tells me lies, and best of all
He never disagrees
I bring him candy and flowers every afternoon
Sit down by his side and say "Hi"
And then I ask him his opinion of the world situation
And I wait for Mr. Frump's reply, and Mr. Frump would say
Well, unfortunately, soon it came to be
Mr. Frump's dying day
And now I bring to you the very last thing
That Mr. Frump had to say....
Beverly
Beverly Hillbillies
Huh, now lookie here people
Listen to my story
A little story 'bout a man named Jed
You know something?
That poor mountaineer
They say he barely kept his family fed
Now, let me tell you
One day he was shootin'
Old Jed was shootin' at some food
When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there
Well, there came a bubblin' crude
Oil that is Well, maybe you call it black gold or Texas tea
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale And be a Beverly hillbilly...
Before you know it, all the kinfolk are-a-sayin'
Yeah, buddie, move away from there
That little Clampet got his own cement pond
That little Clampet, he's a millionaire
Now, everyone said Californie
Is the place that you oughta be
We got to load up this here truck now
We got to move to Beverly
Hills, that is
Swimming pools
Move-a-move-a-movie stars
Lookit that, lookit that
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and "Generation X"y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genious and I'm some kinda wiener
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better
Now my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I cant believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
I knew we were headin' for disaster
When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoratioon
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation
Well, I don't wear Doc MArtens and I don't wear flannel
And I don't boycott the music video channel
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this game
Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette
Well, mny baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder
If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her
I need a Vegematic!
I need a Pocket Fisherman!
I need a handy appliance
That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell!
(Operators are standing by.
How does that make you feel?)
Help me.
Mr. Popeil!
I wanna shine some pennies!
I wanna mend some leather!
I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder!
(Please, no C.O.D.'s.
Don't miss out on this deal.)
Ah, help me.
Mr. Popeil!
Help me.
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
(Wo-o, wo-o. Ohhhhhh.)
It slices. It dices.
Look at that tomato!
You could even cut a tin can with it,
But you wouldn't want to!
Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble.
Need your assistance on the double.
Oh no! Now how am I gonna make
My old vinyl car top look like new?
Mr. Popeil!
Tell me, what am I s'posed to do?
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
(Now how much would you pay?)
But wait, there's more!
It's not sold in any store!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Don't answer yet,
Just look what else you get!
(Now how much would you pay?)
If you order today,
You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless ashtray!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Now how much would you pay?
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Make me buy a Garden Weasel!
Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer!
Make me take advantage
Of this amazing TV offer!
(Call our toll-free number,
We'll make you such a deal.)
Aw, help me!
Mr. Popeil. I want it!
(Mr. Popeil.) Well, I need it!
(Mr. Popeil.) I got to got to got to have it!
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
Hey!
osama binlaten, d-day
bush has a little somethin' to say
osama binlaten, de-de
all of your armies are starting to flee
what do you expect from a cowardly geek
who thinks the is tuff
wile wearing a sheet
how do act to his terorist threat?
what dose he think will come of it?
the taliban is full of s***
osama binlaten, d-dar
you can start running,
but you won't get far.
you'll wish we wern't looking
for you.
now you're osama binlaten do-do
Hello, Boys and Girls.
This is a story that I like to call, ''Peter and the Wolf''.
Are you sitting comfortably?
Are you!?
Good, then let's begin....
Each character is represented by a different instrument of the synthesized
orchestra.
For instance, the part of Billy the Bird is played by a flute, like this...
The part of Bruce the Duck is played by an oboe...
Louie the Cat is a clarinet. All right, he's not really a
clarinet. He's just --- you know, he's represented by a clarinet....
The part of the Grandfather will be played by Don Amiche.
He... what?
Can't make it? Oh. Huh.
Okay, um, hmm, in that case, the part of the Grandfather will be played by,
huh, a bassoon....
Three French horns play the part of... uhm... three French horns... uh...
(The Wolf! It's the Wolf!) Right! The Wolf. Seymore the Wolf....
The kettle drum and bass drum represent the sub-machine-gun fire of the
hunters...
And, of course, as always, the part of Bob the Janitor is played by the
accordion.
Well, that's it for the introductions. And now, the story.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... uh.... Oh, excuse me...
Once upon a time --- I think it was last Thursday --- a boy named Peter
opened the gate and went out into the big green meadow.
On the branch of a big tree sat a little bird.
''All is quiet'', said the bird.
''Holy cow! A talking bird!'', thought Peter.
Just then, Bruce the Duck came waddling by. Bruce was very happy that Peter
hadn't closed gate and he decided to check out the deep pond in the meadow.
Billy the Bird saw the Duck, so he decided to fly down and pick an argument
with him.
''What kind of bird are you if you can't fly?'', he said; to which the Duck
cleverly replied, ''I'm a duck! Stupid!''
They argued and argued. The Duck swimming in the pond. The little bird
skipping along the shore. (Scratch) Sorry.
Suddenly, something caught Peter's eye --- and you know how painful that
can be. It was Louie the Cat crawling through the grass.
Louie the Cat thought, ''If the Bird is busy arguing, I'll just grab him''.
So quietly, Louie crept towards him on his velvet paws. Well, his paws
weren't really velvet... they were, you know, kind of like velvet. It's
a, what d'ya call it? Uh, a 'metaphor'. It's a metaphor, get it?
''Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look
out! Look out! Look out!'', advised Peter.
The bird immediately flew up into the tree... while Bruce the Duck quacked
at Louie the Cat... from the middle of the pond.
Louie the Cat walked around the tree and thought, ''Is it worth climbing up
so high, or should I just send out for pizza?''
Grandfather came out. He was all bent out of shape because Peter had gone
into the meadow.
''It's a dangerous place. If a Wolf should come out of the forest, then what
would you do, huh?''
Peter did not answer, because after all, it was a rhetorical question.
Boys like Peter are afraid of a lot of things, like Nuclear annihilation and
flunking algebra, but they're not afraid of Wolves.
But Grandfather got Peter in a headlock and dragged him home, telling him
that he was grounded and that he couldn't watch any cartoons for three weeks.
Just then, as luck would have it, a big, mean, hairy, ferocious, snarling,
carnivorous Wolf, huh, did come out of the forest!
But I guess we all knew that was coming. I mean, the story is called,
'Peter and the Wolf'. We couldn't very well call it, 'Peter and the Wolf'
if there wasn't any wolf, could we?
Huh, that would be really stupid.
The Cat was up the tree in a twinkling; which is about, oh, 2.3 seconds.
Bruce the Duck quacked so hard that he propelled himself backwards
and up onto dry land.
For those of you taking notes, this is a fine practical example of Newton's
First Law of Motion, which clearly states that for every action there is
an equal and opposite reaction.
But no matter how quickly Bruce tried to waddle away, he couldn't escape
Seymore the Wolf who was wearing his best pair of tennis shoes.
The Wolf was closing in on the Duck. It was getting closer and closer
and closer and then and then....
He got 'em! He got 'em! Oh no! Oh, it was terrible!
Oh, oh I can't believe it! Oh!
The humanity! The humanity! Oh my God! Ahh-hoh, oh, huh.
And then with one big gulp, Seymore 'wolfed' him down. (Burp)
Um, let me recap the story briefly in case you just walked into the room:
Louie the Cat was sitting on one branch. Billy the Bird was on another
branch, not too close to Louie, and Bob the Janitor was at home defrosting
his refrigerator.
The Wolf walked around the tree so many times that he made a small trench.
Meanwhile, Peter was standing behind the closed gate, videotaping everything
that was going on.
Suddenly Peter got an idea. He ran home and got a big spool of his
grandfather's unwaxed dental floss.
One of the branches of the tree that the Wolf was circling was conveniently
stretched out over a high stone wall.
Peter scaled the wall, lickity-split, which is even faster than a twinkling.
Then he grabbed the branch and climbed onto the tree.
Peter said to Billy the Bird, ''I want you to fly down and circle around the
Wolf's head to distract him, but be very careful he doesn't catch you and
bash your skull in and tear out your lungs and chew you up into itsy-bitsy
teeny-tiny little pieces.''
''Okay'', said the bird.
Billy the Bird almost touched the Wolf's head with his wings while the Wolf
snapped angrily at him. ''Go ahead'', said the Wolf, ''make my day''.
''Come on, cut it out'', snarled the Wolf, ''you're askin' for trouble,
Punk''. But Billy the Bird just kept on harassing him.
Meanwhile, Peter made a lasso out of the dental floss and, carefully letting
it down, caught the Wolf by the tail and pulled with all his might.
Feeling himself caught, the Wolf got really ticked off and started jerking back
and forth.
Peter tied the other end of the dental floss to the tree and left the Wolf
dangling in mid-air.
''Hey, Big Bad Wolf'', said Peter, ''why don't you come up here and get
us now?''
''I would'', said the Wolf, ''but, well, I'm kinda tied up right now.''
Just then, some members of the National Rifle Association came out of the
woods, firing their magnums, uzis and bazookas.
But Peter yelled, ''Don't shoot. Billy the Bird and I have caught the Wolf.
Now, let's take him to the Zoo''.
''Great idea!'', said the hunters, ''and if he likes that, next week we'll
take him to Disneyland!''
Just imagine the victory parade. Peter was at the head. (Flush)
But after a few minutes he was through and then the parade began with Peter
at the very front.
After him, the hunters leading Seymore the Wolf.
Then Grandfather, and Louie the Cat, and finally, Bob the janitor who had to
sweep up the whole mess.
Grandfather shook his head discontentedly, ''Well, Peter, what if you hadn't
caught the Wolf? What then?''
''Well'', said Peter, ''he probably would have ripped out my intestines with
his teeth.''
''(Cough/gag/choke)'', said Grandfather, ''I know that, you idiot.
It was a rhetorical question.''
Above them, Billy the Bird chirped proudly. ''Yeah, that's right. We bad.
We bad''.
Granfather decided that he'd had enough of the pond and the meadow and the
whole stinking scene, so he ran off to Los Angeles and joined a Heavy Metal
band.
And what about Bruce the Duck?
Well, the Wolf had been in such a hurry that he swallowed him... alive!
which means the gastric juices slowly disolved his body and he died a long,
painful death.
However, you'll be happy to hear that just a few years later he was reincarnated
as Shirley MacLaine.
And the moral of the story is... oral hygiene is very important. Make sure you
see your dentist at least twice a year
I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less
At the checkout counter at the local grocery store
I was only passin' by
But a paper caught my eye
And I learend a few things I mever knew before
It said your pet may be an extra terrestrial
It said the ghost of elvis is living in my den
You can learn to cope with stress
You can beat the IRS
And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again
Oh, Mignight Star
It's in the weekly Midnight Star
Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
Eat jelly donuts and lose twenty pounds a day
Hear the story of the man born without a head
And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company
Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead
Oh, Midnight Star
You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Mignight Star
They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust-line grow
Midnight Star, I wanna know
Oh, Midnight Star
Well, don't you know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star
The UFOs have landed and we'll tell you where they are
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
Midnight Star
Well, you can read all about in in the weekly Midnight Star
You can use you ESP to learn to play guitar
Midnight Star I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) Inquiring minds like mine wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(You can read it {x5}, Midnight Star {x2}) (Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
She lived across the street on the fifteenth floor of the Gilmore building
I saw her in the shower reaching for some soap
I knew she had to be the girl for me
And to think I probably never would have found her
If I hadn't bought that telescope
Oh, Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
I just can't understand it
Why won't you return my phone calls
Are you still mad I gave a Mohawk to your cat
If you'd just say the word
I'm certain that our love would last forever and ever
Or are you too dumb to realize that
Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
How can you ignore me when you know that I can't live without you
I have to go through your garbage just to learn more about you
Melanie, ooh
Oh sweet Me-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
You weren't impressed when I tattooed your name across my forehead
You wouldn't listen when I promised to be true
I couldn't stand it so I jumped out from the sixteenth story window
Right above you
Now I may be dead but I still love you
Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet, sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
im the only gay eskimo
im the only one i know
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
i go out seal hunting with my best friend tarka
but all i wanna do is get into his parka
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
well me and NUCK fluck chuck buck we both like blubber
but me i got this crazy fetish for rubber
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
i make the wish on the northern lights
that i could find a decent pair of whale skin tights
im the only gay eskimo in my tribe
and the seals the sing now(seal noises)
these cold winter nights are taking their toll
i even get excited when i see the north pole
see the north pole
im the only gay eskimo
only gay eskimo
im the only one i know
im the only one i know
im the only gay eskimo
in my tribe
now like the proclaimers sing it!
Im the only gay eskimo
im the only one i know
im the only gay eskimo
Like Bob Dillon!
Im the only gay eskimo
im the only one i know
im the only gay eskimo
baby baby
ooby dooby doo, did a poo
he put it in his sliper, shaggy put it on
it made him shake and shiver
oooooby doooooooooby dooooooooooo
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
... yeahyeahyeah???
I think I -fart- again
I made you believe that it wasn't me
Oh baby it might make a girl blush
Because she forgot to courtesy flush
But tonight I'll be droppin the Puerto Ricans
Up at the pool
Oh baby baby
Oops I -fart- again
It felt like a -fart-
But it was a -fart-
Oh baby I can't hold it no more
I pooped on the floor
I've got flatulence
You see the problem is gas
It comes out my ass
My starpitch(?) is raw and I got a butt rash
I stink but the smell stays
The horrible stench will linger for days
But tongiht I'll be droppin the Cosby kids up at the pool
Oh baby baby
Oops I -fart- again
It felt like a -fart-
But it was a -fart-
Oh baby I can't hold it no more
I pooped on the floor
I've got flatulence
* * *
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Brittany: Oh my god, its Mark and Greg, the extreme monster
i think im pregnant again
i made you believe the last kid was the end
oh, maybe
you cant afford child care
but that doesnt mean
i cant get welfare
i said i had my tubes tied
well guess what baby i lied
oh baby, baby
oops im pregnant again
i played with your dick
but you came too quick
oh baby baby
oops im such a big slut
you busted your nuts
and now im pregnant
at night you seemed real glad
but now your a dad
wishing that you hadnt cum in my cunt
ooh yeh you might have AIDS
i blew six of your friends
all in the same day
i said i had my tubes tied
but guess what baby i lied
oh baby baby
oops im pregnant again
i played with your dick
but you came too quick
oh baby baby
oops im such a big slut
you busted your nuts
and now im pregnant
wait britney before you go
theres something i want you to have
oh its so big but is it really
yes baby 12"
but it thought it was impossible for them to get that big
well baby i guess im just a big guy
ooh lets do it now
If I could make love to a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
I'd search the world over to find one
Potato skins, potato cakes
Hash browns, and instant flakes
Baked or boiled or french fried
There's no kind you haven't tried
You planned a trip to Idaho
Just to watch potatoes grow
I understand how you must feel
I can't deny they've got appeal
Whoah
You like them whether they are plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough
You know, you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds
Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tator tots would blow your mind
And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream
Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Ooh yeah
I'm givin' up, it'sjust no use
Another case of spud abuse
What can I say, what can I do
Potato bug has got me too, Wahoo
I used to hate them, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah
Whee, I've often seen then whipped, but they just can't be beat
Now I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
If I could stick my hand in my heart
Spill it all over the stage
Would it satisfy you
Would it slide on by you
Would you think the boy is strange
Ain't it stra-a-ange
If I could win
If I could sing
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried
If I cri-i-ied
I said, "Ah no, It's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it
Ah no, it's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it, like it
Yes I do
I really really really really do do-do do do"
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doin' all right
Hear they whip the women just around midnight
Brown sugar
How come you taste so good
Brown sugar
Just like a young girl should
I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would make her connection
By her feet was a footloose man
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You might find
You get what you need
You need honkey tonk women
Gimme gimme gimme the honkey tonk blues
Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It's down to me
Yes it is
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me
The change has come
She's under my thumb
So, goodbye ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still, I'm gonna miss you
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Please allow me to introdue myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste (woo woo)
I've been around for a long long year
So many a man sold a faith (woo woo)
Pleased to meet you (woo woo)
Hope you guessed (woo woo) my name (woo woo woo woo)
'Cause what's puzzling you (woo woo)
Is the nature (woo woo) of my game (woo woo woo woo)
I said, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Don't hang around because two's a crowd
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter, shay-do-bay(?), shatter
Laughter, joy, and loneliness
And sex and sex and sex and sex
Look at me
I'm in tatters
Shay-do-bay(?), I'm shattered
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter
This doesn't happen to me every day, oh my
Let's spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway, oh my
Let's spend the night together
I'll satisfy your every need (every need)
And now I know you'll satisfy me
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together now
Ma-ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma ma ma my
I can't get no
Satisfaction
I can't get no
Girlie action
'Cause I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
And I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
I can't get no
I can't get no
I can't get no
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
I love to watch the Hummingbirds just hovering for hours
They look like mini-helicopters pollinating flowers
And yet I still feel sorry for the little Hummingbirds
They always have to hum because they never learned the words
[From "The Simpsons", Ep. EABF12 - April 13, 2003
to the tune of "Life Goes On (Jack and Diane)" by John '"Cougar" Melloncamp]
Little ditty 'bout Homer and Marge
Her heart was as big as his stomach was large
Oh yeah, they say love goes on
Long after the grilled cheese sandwich is gone
(During credits)
That's the story 'bout Homer and Marge
Two folks I helped out for a nominal charge
After Homer went gay, they patched up their schism
But the dude never dealt with his alcoholism
Weird Al sayin'... oh yeah, the credits go on
Long after the viewer's interest is gone
Oh yeah, Weird Al had fun on this show
Even if it was just a brief cameo
(I'm a hoe)
I'm a hoe
Yes I am baby
I wear skimpy clothing it's very tight
I work all night I was out tonight
Waiting for someone to pay me
You've probably seen me everywhere
I don't even wear clean underwear
My pimp doesn't care (doesn't care)
I'm a hoe
My pimp says work bitch
Hoe (uh)
But my heart is saying no
If you wanna freak with me
Baby there's a price to pay
I'm a hooker on the corner
Look at my teeth decay
If you wanna be with me
Baby you have got to see
You can get a case of shingles
And a bad STD
I'm a hooker on the corner baby
My pimp says I'm fat and lazy
I'm a hooker on the corner baby
Come, come, come on and pick me up
I could tell you a story about the Iguana
But right at the moment I don't real
Make a list
Little Lars
Never seen a scar
Put his fans behind bars
Can't you see
Man you're stealin from me
You shoulda bought a CD
I keep my keyword open
I'm stealing your songs right now
We're in debt
From the internet
Sue our fans
Off to Napster Napster Land
Go to court
Close the site
Napster's down tonight
Now the judge says "alright"
Bunch of thieves
Bunch of liars
Steal our songs through the wire
You know we'll put up a fight
I keep my phone line open
I'm ripping your songs right now
We're in debt
From the internet
Sue our fans
Off to Napster Napster Land
Now I lay Lars down to sleep
I pray his copyrights to keep
If he gets poor before he wakes
He'll have to sell fries and shakes.
Hush little Larsie, don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the fans making bootleg tapes
I hope you choke on your sour grapes
We're in debt
From the internet
Screw the fans
We're in debt
From the internet
Sue our fans
[parody of "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company]
Baby, when we go to parties,
I drink a buncha beer.
Then my tummy starts a-grumblin'
Feelin' queer.
And then I feel like
I feel like throwin' up!
I feel like throwin' up!
Feel like throwin' up on you.
(talking)
I like small butts and I cannot lie,
You honkies can't deny,
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
and a big thing in your face I get
Sick, cuz I like a toothpick
I'll beat that bootie with a stick
Even the jeans she's wearing, her pants they're almost tearing
No, baby I want a flat bootie,
That's tootie fruitie, while honkies tried to warn me
that butt you've got is, oh, so corny
ooh Chicken smooth skin you say you wanna get my olds,
well peck me, peck me, cuz you ain't that average chickadee.
Hell with romancin', I'll take her wallet dancin'
Rich. Bitch. I'll dig for her money ditch
So tired of ebony, black butts are not my theme
if you ask me what my flavour is I'll tell you vanilla ice
cream
So honkies (yeah) honkies(yeah)
does your girlfriend have a derriere? (yeah)
Well shrink it, shrink it, so I can get right down and dink it,
Chorus:
Baby got Jack (wh-white honkies with the real small
boot- wh-white honkies with the real small bootie)
Baby got Jack (wh-white honkies with the real small
boot- wh-white honkies with the real small bootie)
I like 'em flat and small, and when I'm in the mall,
I just can't help myself
I'm doing the dogpund call (woo woo woo woo)
Don't like a sister, who farts while playing Twister.
I wish those beans did miss her,
even Uncle Ben would fist her
I like my booties real slender and tender,
And if I see a big bootie, I'll put it in the blender
Don't want a rear fender.
I get into my Honda
What the hell is an anaconda?
All I know is that I like Jayne Fonda's, better than Yolanda's.
Chorus
Yeah, baby, when it comes to females,
Cosmo knows everything what they're talking about
36, 24, 36... haa haa, only if she's 7'8'
Flat on the bottom, and I like it like that,
Flat on the bottom, and I like it like that.
The doctor had compassion
He tried to cure my disease
I was sweatin' on the way to the op room
Getting sedatives to put me at ease
They put me on a gurney in a hospital gown
They give me anesthetic and they strap my legs down
"You won't feel a thing," is what the doctor told me
We're gonna whack it off, whack it off, whack it off, whack it off...
HEY!!!
Man, you must be kidding me
Take a look! (He got the wrong foot amputated)
Hey!!!... You shoulda cut they other knee
Take a bow! (You got the wrong foot amputated)
Hey-ay, that leg was fine
You mean to tell me
that this stuff happens all the ti-ime
Hey-ay! This ain't my day!
"Ok, Mr. Johnson, I see you're here for the irreversable vasectomy."
"aryuhugh?"
"Well, we'll just get you shaved right here. This might sting a little."
"noooononooo"
Don't wanna hear no excuses
Its already too late
Don't try to say I got a two for one sale
A woman that I know when through a similar fate
She came in for a checkup and they tied up her tubes
Another one had cancer and they took the wrong boob
The other leg was sick and was the one with gangreen
Why didn't they whack it off, whack it off, whack it off, whack it off...
HEY!
Man, you must be kidding me
Take a look! (He got the wrong foot amputated)
Hey!!!... You shoulda cut they other knee
Take a bow! (He's getting pretty aggrevated)
Hey-ay, that leg was fine
You mean to tell me that this stuff happens all the ti-ime
Hey-ay! This ain't my day!
Hello I love you let’s get tested for aids
You know I trust you but you can’t tell these days
Hello I love you let’s get tested for aids
You know I want you but let’s wait a few days
She might look nice and sweet
But sleeps with every guy she meets
You might think you know some guy
But you know guys and they always lie
Hello I love you let’s get tested for aids
You know I trust you but you can’t tell these days
Hello I love you and I’d like to get laid
You know I want you but I’m deadly affraid
She hopes my hand and size
But her hand wont satisfy
Our thoughts so wicked but our legs acrossed
And I doubt I can’t hold out to long
The doc won’t know for at least a week
I’m like a dog locked up with my mating heat
And I hope she doesn’t see me through
Cause I hope to use my rusty tool
Hellooooooo Hello
Hellooooooo Hello
phone ringing
spoken: Euh, hello?
Uh huh, extra cheese.
Uh huh, Uh huh, save a piece for me.
Pizza party at your house,
I went just to check it out.
19 extra larges,
What a shame, no one came.
Just us, eatin' all alone,
You said, "take the pizza home.
No sense lettin' all this go to waste,"
So then I faced
Pizza all day, and everyday, there's cheese 'round the clock,
Is gettin' me blocked, And I sure don't care for irregularity.
Tell me,
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated,
In the bathroom.
I sit and I wait and I strain and I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take a laxative or have my colon irrigated.
No, no, no.
I was feelin' pretty down,
'Til my girlfriend came around.
We're just so alike in every way, I gotta say.
In fact, I just thought I might,
pop the question there that night.
I was kissin' her so tenderly,
But woe is me.
Who would've guessed, her family crest.
I'd suddenly spy, tattoo'd on her thigh.
And son of a gun, it's just like the one on me.
Tell me.
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me if I knew she was my cousin we never would've dated.
What to do now?
Should I go ahead and propose and get hitched and have kids with 11 toes,
And move to Alabama where that kinda' thing is tolerated.
No, no, no.
(no no)x11
(oooh)
I had so much on my mind,
I thought maybe I'd unwind.
Try out that new roller coaster ride,
And the guide...
Said not to stand, but that's a demand,
That I couldn't meet, I got on my feet,
And stood up instead and knocked off my head you see!
Tell me!
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man I really hate it.
It's such a drag now.
can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore, I can't belch or yodel anymore,
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated.
Oh no!
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated.
What a bummer.
I can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze.
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now.
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated.
Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood 8 foot tall, wore glasses
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal
And excreted diamonds every day
He could throw you down a flight of stairs
But you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway
Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missin' chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
I'm tellin' you the man was insane
He could rip out your beatin' heart
And show it to you right before you died
Every day he'd make the host of Match Game
Give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, a two-hour piggyback ride
Giddyup, Gene!
Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser beam eyes
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his very own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was somethin' to see, I tell ya
Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings
As a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded
With an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles
Than any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building
And he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn't even hurt
Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat him like a star
'Cause you can spit in the wind or tug on Superman's cape
But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR
No no no
Talkin' bout CNR
If a certain portion of "Weird Al" Yankovic's song Nature Trail To Hell from his "In 3-D" album was played in reverse, a message could be heard.
The Message is : "Satan eats Cheese Whiz!"
I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
Graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard
Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out
I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDb me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned
But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again
Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life!
I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Once, not very long ago I was respected,
I was popular (popular).
But now I hang my head in shame.
My life is filled with such regret,
Of that mistake, I can't forget.
And now I'll never be the same!
Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone!
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (what was I thinking).
My friends all stare at me,
Whenever I get a call.
Well everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone!
When my phone goes off at work,
I look like the biggest jerk.
Total strangers want to slap me around.
When it's ringing on the terrace,
My neighbors get embarrassed.
They're beggin' me to move out of town.
Well it made my wife so sick,
She smashed my iPhone with a brick.
But I had it fixed and now it's just fine.
It's a pain, I sure don't need it,
And I probably should delete it,
But for me that would be crossing the line.
'Cause I hate to waste a buck 99.
Hey! I paid good money for this Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone!
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (really what was I
Thinking).
My friends all stare at me,
Whenever I get a call.
Well everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ahhh!
Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone),
Muslim women in Burqas (really hate my ringtone),
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone),
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone).
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers),
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers),
Everyone on the land, Everyone on the sea,
Every single person everywhere unanimously.
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum muh
Oh whoa oh oh oh
Can't read my, can't read my
No, he can't read-a my polka face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read-a my polka face
(She's got to love nobody)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face (Mum mum mum muh)
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh, you're a womanizer baby
You are
You are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
(Womanizer)
Boy don't try to front
I know just what you are
Boy don't try to front
I know just what you are
(You! )
You say I'm crazy
(You! )
I got your crazy
(You! )
You're nothing but a
(You! )
Womanizer
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down down
You spin my head right round, right round
When you go down, when you go down
Cuz day and night
The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night
He's all alone through the day and night
The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night (at, at, at night)
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
And I was like baby baby baby
Baby baby baby
Baby baby baby
I thought you'd always be mine
So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a tool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it
And I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
Blame it on the goose, gotcha feeling loose
Blame it on the 'tron, catch me in the zone
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the vodka, blame it on the henny
Blame it on the blue tap, got you feeling dizzy
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Shawty's like a melody in my head
That I can't keep out
Got me singin' like
Na na na na everyday
It's like my iPod stuck on replay,
Stuck on replay
Stuck on replay
Replay
Replay
Replay-ay-ay-ay
Baby, are you down, down, down, down, down?
Baby are you down?
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart
I'm only gonna break your heart
Don't stop
Making pop
DJ blow my speakers up
Tonight
I'mma fight
Till we see the sun light
Tick tock
On the clock
But the polka don't stop, no
Yodel-yodel-lady-hoo
Yodel-yodel-lady-hoo
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face
P-p-p-polka face p-p-polka face
My mama told me when I was hatched
Act like a superstar
Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress
And someday you will go far
Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss
The press follows everywhere I go
I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this
Back off and enjoy the show!
I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display
Well, they can bite me, baby -- I perform this way
I might be wearin' Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees
It doesn't mean I'm crazy -- I perform this way
Ooo, my little monsters pay... lots 'cause I perform this way
Baby, I perform this way
Ooo, don't worry, I'm okay... hey, I just perform this way
I'm not crazy, I perform this way
I'll be a troll or evil queen
I'll be a human jelly bean
'Cause every day is Halloween
For me...
I'm so completely original
My new look is all the rage
I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck
And set fire to myself on stage
I'll wear a porcupine on my head
On a W-H-I-M
And for no reason now I'll sing in French
Excusez-moi, Qui a pété? (Who cut the cheese?)
Got my straight jacket today, it's made of gold lamé
No, not because I'm crazy - I perform this way
I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat
I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way
Don't be offended when you see
My latest pop monstrosity
I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre
I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar
There's nothing too embarrassing
I'll honestly do anything
But wear white after Labor Day
'Cause baby, I perform this way
Hope you won't think it's cliché if I go nude today
Don't call the cops now, baby, I perform this way
No reason I should regret all the attention I get
I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm always deviating from the norm this way-hey
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
i moved out to langely recently
with a plain and simple dream;
wanna infiltrate some third-world place
and topple their regime.
their men in black with their matching suitcases;
where everything's on a need-to-know basis;
agents got that swagger;
everyone so cloak and dagger.
i'm feelin' nervous but i'm really kinda wishing
for another undercover mission
that's when the red alert came on the radio
and i put my earpiece on!
got my dark sunglasses on!
and i had my weapon drawn!
so i get my handcuffs,
my cyanide pills,
my classified dossier!
tappin' the phones like yeah, shreddin' the files like yeah,
and then i memorised all the enemy spies i've gotta neutralize today.
yeeeaaahhh, it's a party in the cia!
yeeeaaahhh, it's a party in the cia!
i've done a couple of crazy things that have almost got me dismissed,
like terminate some head of state who wasn't even on my list.
burn that microfilm buddy, will you,
i'd tell you why but then i'd have to kill you!
you need a quickie confession?
we'll start a waterboarding session!
no hurry on this south american dictator
i'll assassinate him later
that's when he walked right in my laser sights,
and my silencer was on,
and my silencer was on,
and another target's gone!
yeah, we've got our black ops all over the world, from Kazakhstan to Bombay;
payin' the bribes like yeah, pluggin' the leaks like yeah;
interrogating the scum of the earth, we'll break them by the break of day!
yeeeaaahhh, it's a party in the cia!
yeeeaaahhh, it's a party in the cia!
need a country destabilized?
look no further, we're your guys!
we've got snazzy suits and ties,
and a better dental plan than the fbi's!
better put your hands up and get in the van,
or else you'll get blown away!
stagin' a coup like yeah,
brainwashin' moles like yeah,
we only torture the folks we don't like,
you're probably going to be ok!
yeeeaaahhh, it's a party in the cia!
Ooh yeah
I'm your shelter from the storm
You'll know I'll always have your back
I'll even let you warm your freezing hands inside my butt crack
I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on
And when you're telling me about your feelings I try not to yawn
And when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic bladder
When you're cleaning the gutters on the roof I hold the ladder
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana nanananano I guess I don't know
Nanananananana
Ahhh listen now
There's a microscopic bit of milk left in the refrigerator
I coulda finished it off but I quit in case you want a tiny little sip for
Later
And if you cut the cheese then maybe I'll wink and say the dog's to blame
And I'll make sure to call you baby everytime I forget your name
I'll even tell you girl when you start looking fat
'Cuz all your so-called friends will probably neglect to mention that
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana nananana well then I don't know
Nananannananna
Oh no
Even though you make me sit through Mamma Mia!
Well I still adore you
I'll kiss you even if you have omelettes for breakfast
And I can't stand omelettes
After I take a bath
If it's still warm I'll leave the water in there for you
I'll give you my word
You're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd
Everytime I see you trying to lift some really heavy thing
You can always count on me to help by saying something encouraging
If you get drunk and pass out I'll never sharpie up your face
And I don't wipe my nose on your couch even though that's a super
Convenient place
I totally support every idiotic thing you do
And I almost never pretend you're someone else when I'm making out with you
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana no I don't know what love is
Nanananananana well I don't know what love is
Goin' to the market now, market now.
I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer.
Walkin' down the shopping aisle, shopping aisle,
Filling up my basket with Oscar Meyer.
Never gonna stop, eat it up,
Such a tasty snack.
I always eat too much, and throw up,
But I'll soon be back
For my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my-my-my-y-y woo!
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
M-m-m-my bologna.
Whoa, yeah!
You've got a '65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive
A custom paint job, too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist...
Craigslist!
I'm on Craiglist, baby, come on!
Yeah!
Well we shared a quick glance
Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance
Never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed
On Craigslist!
Yeah, Craigslist, come on!
I'm on Craigslist
Oh, baby, maybe you are too!
Be bom ba chomb cadonk bin bam boo!
An open letter to the snotty barista at the Coffee Bean on San Vacente
Boulevard:
I know there were twenty people behind me in line,
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother.
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes.
So what's with the attitude lady?
No tip for you!
Got a trashcan of Styrofoam peanuts
You can have 'em for free
You can drop by on the weekend
And pick 'em up from me
But the trashcan ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real!
Don't have no Hefty bag so bring your own,
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, 'cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself:
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts.
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have them all.
They're on Craigslist, yeah!
Craigslist! Ow, baby come on!
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist!
I don't care if you wreck my car or shave off all my hair
You can go and run your vacuum during my favorite show
And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know
Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy
But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spend my money, you can waste my time
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
Don't wear those shoes
It's alright, you can play your twisted sister every night
I suppose, you can lick the middles out of my oreos
Or start laughing while you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose
And you know that I'd do anything to please you
But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spit in my face in you're so inclined
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
Oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, please don't wear those
Use my razor to shave your legs or eat crackers in bed
Stomp the poodle 'til it's flat
You can even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head
I can learn to live with that
But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please, don't wear those shoes
You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those
I said oh, no, oh, no oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, don't wear those shoes
You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze
But baby, please don't wear those shoes
You can make me an offer I can't refuse
But darling, please don't wear those shoes
You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze
But honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can expose yourself on the six o' clock news
But please, please don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no, oh, no oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, don't wear those shoe
I said oh, no, oh, no oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, don't wear those shoe
I said oh, no, oh, no oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, don't wear those shoe
...
Once in a while
Maybe you will feel the urge.
To break into national copyright law
By downloading mp3s
From file sharing sites
Like Morpheus, or Grokster, or LimeWire, or Kazaa.
But deep in your Heart.
You know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
Cause you start out stealing songs
Then you’re robbing liquor stores
And selling Crack
And running over school kids with your car
So Don’t Download This Song
The record store is where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don’t Download This Song
Oh you don’t want to mess
With the R I Double A
They’ll sue you if you burn that CD-R.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a grandma
Or a seven year old girl
They’ll treat you like the evil Hard-bitten criminal scum you are
So Don’t Download This Song (don’t go)
Pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don’t Download This Song
Don’t take away money
From artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Hum V
And diamond studded swimming pools
These things don’t grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody Pleaseeeeee
Don’t Download This Song (Don’t do it No No)
Even Lars Urlich Know it’s wrong (You could just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (You Really Should)
Oh Don’t Download This Song
Don’t Download This Song (Oh please don’t you do it or you)
Might Wind up in Jail like Tommy Chong (Remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (Right Now) like you know that you should (Go out and Buy it)
Oh Don’t Download This Song.
Don’t Download This Song (No no no no no no)
Or you’ll burn in hell before to long (And you deserve it)
Found a job in a great big office
And I really love this place
I got my, my very own Scotch tape dispenser
And I got a private parking space, ha
And I got a coffee mug with my, with my name right on it
In big bold letters so everyone knows it's mine
Don't even touch it 'cause it doesn't belong to you
I'm watching you, so don't get funny
I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder
Watch out, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright
Watch out, well, it's dog eat dog
Here we go
I love to watch my boss get angry
So I can count the veins in his neck, ha
Every day is like a picnic
Every Friday, get a check
Well, do I smell jelly donuts? This is my lucky day
I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener
Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut
They'll never miss it, no, they'll never miss it
I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder
Watch out, well, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright
Watch out, hey, well, it's dog eat dog
Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful stapler"
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful chair"
Nobody's sure what I do here
And that's just fine with me
Five o'clock is here much too soon now
'Cause I just never wanna leave
I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals
Maybe I could get on, on David Letterman
I think I made a big mistake
Where's my liquid paper? Where's my liquid paper?
I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now
Watch out, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright
Better be careful now, it's dog eat dog
Watch me work, hey, hey, stand back now
Look out, mama, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good
Hey, dog eat dog
Here we go, dog eat dog
Say, dog eat dog
Hey, hey, dog eat dog
Say, dog eat dog
Here we go, dog eat dog
Dog eat dog
Dog eat dog
Dog eat dog
Dog eat dog
I know that you
Don't know me very well
We've barely met
But I can surely tell
No one will ever
Love you like I do
I like to feel
The warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool
And usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum
That you threw in the garbage
You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now
Is "Do I creep you out?"
Everytime I shake your hand now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Do I creep you out?
Call you every night and hang up
Gonna carve your name in my leg
In my leg, oh-oh!
Somethin' I should ask about
Can I sniff the pit-stains on your blouse?
And do I creep you,
Do I creep you out?
(Your restraining order's out)
(Still the only question with me now)
Oh the only question
(Is "Do I creep you out?")
Is "Do I creep you out?"
Know exactly where you live now
Follow you from work right to your house
Well, do I creep you out?
Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right
My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown
Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat
When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code
When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat
If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again
You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?"
"Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?"
"Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Colonel Sanders started yelling
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died
So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter
By the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like
The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven anyway
But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raison Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it
Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate
You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate
So eat it
Don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh
Your table manners are some cryin' shame
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game
Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it
You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it
I don't care if you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Open up your mouth and feed it
Have some more yogurt, have some more spam
It doesn't matter it it's fresh or tanned
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeate it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it
Have a big dinner, have a light snack
If you don't like it, you can't send it back
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it (oh lord)
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it (oh no)
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver
They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts
It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter fued
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer
Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
Oh? Well, which one?
All of them
Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake!
Yah? Well, well me too!
And I've sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
(barking)
Woofie, you b-tch!
Well, I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
That goat doesn't love you!
Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen
Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one
It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said she's shtill dating twenty guys
Three days wince he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
And before long, they were cloning DNA
Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors
Well, believe me this has been one lousy day
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit it's kinda eerie
But this proves my chaos theory
And I don't think I'll be coming back again, oh no!
I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer
Well, I suppose that proves they're really not all bad
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T- Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend, oh no!
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
What a crummy weekend this has been
Well, this sure ain't no e-ticket
Think I'll tell them where to stick it
There's a sale on our gabardine suits today.
They're all thirty percent off from yesterday.
There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool and tweed.
Just a Visa or Mastercard is all you need.
We've got every color, we've got ev'ry shade.
We're located next door to Willy's Fun Arcade.
We got every fabric that was ever made,
But I'm known in this city as the King of Suede.
We got portly and regular and extra-long.
(Is my size up there?)
We got tailors to fix it, if it comes out wrong.
(Is my size up there?)
We got all kinds of sweatshirts, you can take your pick.
(Is my size up there?)
With the collars ripped off, like that Flashdance flick.
(Is my size up there?)
Our prices are low, my staff is underpaid.
You can buy off the rack, or have it custom made,
And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade,
'Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede.
If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom,
(Is my size up there?)
We can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan.
(Is my size up there?)
We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too.
(Is my size up there?)
And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you.
(Is my size up there?)
Well, I never made it past the second grade.
It took all of my life for me to learn this trade.
But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made,
'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede.
There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits.
Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots.
You can try on our suede underwear if you choose.
Do what you want, but don't step on my blue suede shoes.
King of Suede.
Don't miss out on our giant liquidation sale.
(Is my size up there?)
Look for our color catalog in next week's mail.
(Is my size up there?)
There's a sale on our double-knit slacks today.
It's the same old sale as yesterday.
Thirty years in the same location I have stayed,
There I am, right next door to Willy's Fun Arcade.
I got tough competition but I'm not afraid,
'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede.
King of Suede.
King of Suede.
King of Suede.
I'll always be King of Suede.
I'll always be King of Suede
La-la-la-la-lasagna
You want-a some-a lasagna magnifico
Or a-maybe spaghetti
Ay, you supper's a-ready now, where you go
Mama mia bambino
Mama mia bambino, 'samatta you
'Samatta you, 'samatta you
You should-a taste my lasagna
Ay, you no like-a lasagna
That's okay too
How about-a calzone
Some-a nice minestrone, ats good for you
Have-a some marinara
Have-a some marinara, I know-a you like
I know-a you like, I know-a you like
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
Would you like some-a zucchini
Or-a my homemade linguini, it's hard to beat
Have-a more fettuccini.
Ay, you getting too skinny, you gotta to eat
Ay, mange, mange
Ay, you-a pass the lasagna
A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy pig
Have-a more ravioli
You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a big
Like you cousin Luigi
Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan
Capisce paisan, capisce paisan
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
Put down that chain saw and listen to me
Its time for us to join in the fight.
Its time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Its time to let the bedbugs bite.
You'd better put all your eggs in one basket
You'd better count your chickens before they hatch.
You'd better sell some wine before its time
You'd better find yourself an itch to scratch.
You'd better squeeze all the Charmin you can
While Mr. Whipple's not around.
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan.
Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more then you can chew
What can you do? Dare to be stupid!
Take some wooden nickels,
Look for Mr. Goodbar,
Get your mojo working now,
I'll show you how you can dare to be stupid!
You can turn the other cheek,
You can just give up the ship,
You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip.
(Dare to be stupid!) Come on and dare to be stupid,
It's so easy to do, dare to be stupid!
We're all waiting for you. Let's go!
It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer?
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk,
Now it's time for crying in your beer.
Settle down with a family. Join the PTA.
Buy some sensible shoes and a Cheverolet.
Then party till your broke and they drag you away.
It's OK. You can dare to be stupid!
It's like spitting on a fish.
It's like barking up a tree.
It's like I say, you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free.
Dare to be stupid! (yes) Why don't you dare to be stupid?
It's so easy to do. Dare to be stupid.
We're all waiting for you. Dare to be stupid.
Burn your candle at both ends.
Look a gift horse in the mouth.
Mashed potatoes can be your friends.
You can be a coffee achiever.
You can sit around the house and watch Leave it to Beaver.
The future's up to you, so what'choo gonna do?
Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid!
What did I say? (Dare to be stupid)
Tell me what did I say? (Dare to be stupid)
It's alright (Dare to be stupid)
We can be stupid all night (Dare to be stupid)
Come on, join in the crowd (Dare to be stupid)
Shout it out loud (Dare to be stupid)
I can't hear you (Dare to be stupid)
OK, I can hear you now (Dare to be stupid)
Let's go!
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid)
Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
Well, she's scaring me
"Look ma, no cavities"
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos" (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)
My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To "24" to "Law And Order"
The Weather Channel's boring like "60 Minutes"'s ancient reporters
Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story"
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
"CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
And "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter"
Then I bet
I watch "The Bachelorette"
Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And "The Muppet Show" where they go 'Mahna Mahna'
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E; and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)
Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace"
But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
"Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians"
Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on "Survivor"
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's "Gilligan" and "SpongeBob", plus there's "MacGyver"
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of "Drew Carey"
Wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
Then we come back to "Are You Hot?"
I was planning on recording "The Sopranos"
I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)
There's something weird in the fridge today
I don't know what it is
Food I can't recognize
My roommate won't throw a thing away
I guess it's probably his
It looks like it's alive...
And livin' in the fridge... livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge... livin' in the fridge
There's something gross in the fridge today
It's green and growin' hair
It's been there since July
If you can name the object
In that baggie over there
Then mister, you're a better man than I
It's livin' in the fridge
You can't stop (dysentary) the mold from growin' (dysentary)
Livin' in the fridge
Can't tell what (dysentary) it is at all (dysentary)
Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop (dysentary) the mold from growin' (dysentary)
Livin' in the fridge
Tell me, do you think it should be carbon dated
Fumigated or creamated and buried at sea?
You try to save a little bit of you're home cookin'
Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin' specimen
It always happens my friend
Again & again & again & again
Somethin' stinks in the fridge today
And it's been rottin' there all week
It could be liver cake or wooly mammoth steak
Well, maybe I should another peek...
Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop (dysentary) the mold from growin' (dysentary)
Livin' in the fridge
Can't tell what (dysentary) it is at all (dysentary)
Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop (dysentary) the mold from growin' (dysentary)
Livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge
Don't know what it is, don't know what it is
Livin' in the fridge
Don't know what it is, don't know what it is
Livin' in the fridge
Don't know what it is at all
Livin' in the fridge, yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Help me out
All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss
Living with a hernia, ow
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation
Feel so old, ow
Too much bad pain
Good God, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even do the splits now
Say it
Better call it quits now
Now I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow
Living with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia, yow
Got to have an operation
Ow, I live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live with a hernia
Wait a minute
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in
There's incomplete (incomplete)
Epigastric (epigastric)
Bladder, huh (bladder)
Strangulated (strangulated
Lumbar hernia (lumbar hernia)
Richter's hernia (Richter's hernia)
Obstructed (obstructed)
Inguinal and Direct
Living with a hernia
Rupture
I said it's causin' me such irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my medication
Living with a hernia
Yeah, I feel bad
The white stuff, The white stuff
The first one was a sweet one
Second one was a blast
Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast
You can see 'em in my teeth
Tell it when I talk
Had so many my pancreas just went into shock
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an Oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
It's the most delicious thing I know
I've had a zillion or two
In my life, they're so right
My teeth are all rotted clear through
But who cares? What else am I supposed to do?
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, the white stuff
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
What's in the middle? The white stuff
The first time that I tried it
Got a big sugar buzz
Nothing gets me high as that sandwhich cookie does
But I love the filling most
I rub it on my roast
Mix it in with my coffee and spread it on my toast
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an Oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
Take some with me everywhere I go
Might get a pimple or two
Well, so what? It's all right
Now Twinkies and Ding Dongs won't do
All I need... You know what it is
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, the white stuff
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, the white stuff
Oh OH OH-OH-Oh, Oh Oreo
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he's no bum, he works down the street.
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say:
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
If you want, you can have an appetizer.
You might like our salami, and the liver's all right.
And they'd really go well with the rye,
Or the kaiser.
Never eats while on the job.
He heard it's good to stay hungry.
But he makes a pretty mean shish kabob.
Have a taste, they were made fresh today.
Try the rye or the kaiser or the wheat or the white.
Maybe I can suggest an appetizer.
Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight.
But you just can't go wrong with the rye,
Or the kaiser.
So today, his deli comes first.
Still he dreams of his past days of glory.
Goes in the back and beats up on the liverwurst,
All the while you can still hear him say:
It's the rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite.
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions, I won't put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye,
Or the kaiser.
The rye or the kaiser,
The rye or the kaiser,
The rye or the kaiser...
Carbon monoxide
Making me choke
No A.C.
And the radio's broke
Cars backed up
Far as you can see
Seems like I've been waiting here for all eternity
Oh, and just in case you're wondering
I'll tell you where I am
I'm right here (right here) right here (right here)
Stuck right here in the middle of this...
Traffic jam
I haven't moved one inch from this here spot
Traffic jam
The freeway's one big parking lot
Traffic jam
My radiator's boiling hot
And I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle)
Right here in the middle of a traffic jam
Trapped inside
My automobile
Cobweb's gowin'
On the steerin' wheel
Now, I'm no genius
But one thing I know
I shouldn't have had that bag of bran muffins
An hour and a half ago
Yeah, and if you need to find me
I'll tell you where I am
I'm right here (right here) right here (right here)
Stuck smack dab in the middle of this...
Traffic jam
I haven't moved one inch from this here spot
Traffic jam
The freeway's one big parking lot
Traffic jam
Well, I thought we were movin' but I guess we're not
'Cause I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle)
Right here in the middle of a traffic jam
Stuck in the middle of a traffic jam
yeah yeah yeah yeah
Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper to
Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper to
Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper...
Yay-hey!
There's a yuppie on a cellular phone
I'm gonna puke if I here any more
There's a motorcycle zoomin' by me
Watch what happens when I open my door
Now we're all goin' nowhere fast
Well, I guess that's perfectly clear
I left home five hours ago
And I can still see my house from here
So if anybody's tryin' to find me
Well, I'll tell you where I am
Right here (right here) right here (right here)
Stuck right here in the middle of this...
Traffic jam
I haven't moved one inch from this here spot
Traffic jam
The freeway's one big parking lot
Traffic jam
Now my back teeth are floatin' and my nerves are shot
And I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle)
Stuck right here in the middle of a traffic jam
Seven O'Clock in the evening
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me
She says "Is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynard Skynard?"
And I say "I don't know.
Say, it's gettin' late...watcha wanna do for dinner?
She says "I kinda had a big lunch.
So I'm not super hungry."
I said "Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat."
She said "So whadya have in mind?"
I said "I don't know what about you?"
She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."
I said "That's what we're gonna do!"
"But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!"
And she says "Let me think...
...What's left in our refridgerator?"
I said "Well, there's tuna, I know."
She said "That went bad a week ago!"
I said "Is the chili OK?"
She said "You finished that yesterday!"
I hopped up and I said
"I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?"
She's like "Why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"
I'm like "No, I said 'delivered'."
She's like "I heard you say liver!"
I'm like "I should know what I said..."
She's like "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"
Well I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today...
My wife said "Let it go to voicemail."
I said, "OK."
"Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right
So what d'ya want to do?"
She said "Why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?"
"Yeah," I said, "Why don't you?"
And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says "No"
She says "Yes"
I says "No"
She says "Yes"
I says "No"
She says "Yes...
...Oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
Say "OK, where ya want to go?"
She says "How about The Ivy?"
I said "Yeah, well I don't know..."
I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says "Olive Garden?"
I say "Nah, I'm not in the mood...
...And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt"
She says "Just forget about it"
I said "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"
Then I get an idea
I says "I know what we'll do!"
She says "What?"
I say "Guess"
She says "What?"
I say "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"
So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her.
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us.
All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
"Hey, Whatcha tryin to do, blind me?"
My wife says "Maybe we should park...
...We could just go eat inside."
I said "I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride..."
Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin' "Can I take your order, please?"
I said "Yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."
Then my wife says
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead, this time"
I said "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says "That's not what I'm hungry for."
I put my head in my hands and screamed,
"I don't know who you are anymore!"
The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said "Then, take our order,
And we'll be on our way!
I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like "You want onions on that?"
I'm like "Yeah, I already said that I do...
...Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it."
Then I said "I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right."
She says "One, you want a chicken sandwich.
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"
"Stop, don't go no further!"
"I never ordered a large rootbeer
I said medium, not large!"
Then she says "We're havin' a special,
I supersized you at no charge."
"Oh." And that's all
I could say, was "Oh."
And she says "Now there is somethin' else
That I really think you should know.
You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more..."
I say "Great, except we're in the drive thru...
So what would I want that for?"
Then she says "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar...hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul,
Now tell me, who's this Paul?
She says "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me.
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off him in Geometry.
I said "I know a guy named Paul.
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer.
He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe."
And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,
That's way more than I needed to know!"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says "Next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents."
So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio...
[Song plays]
[Click] Turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sake.
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said "Um,
I think you have somethin' in your teeth."
She turned away from me
And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"
I said "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."
Then she said "How about now?"
I said "Yeah, almost.
There's still a little bit there
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."
Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like,
"Well, well that'll be five eighty two."
I turn around to my wife, and say
"How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this, I guess."
So she reaches into her purse
And busts out the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says "Oh, dear.
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here."
I took back the card and said
"Gee, really? Well that sucks."
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucks.
I said "I thought you were
Goin' to hit the ATM today"
She says "I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway?
And I said "Nevermind,
Just help me to find some change..."
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin at me kinda strange...
And she says "Mister, please,
We gotta move this line along"
I said "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady,
We won't be long."
We looked around inside the glove-box
And check the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in the ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space betweent he seats
Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "you know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"
And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said "OK
Forget the chicken sandwich then"
So I pick up my change
Pick up my reciept
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene."
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him "Hey, Eugene,
Can I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"
I say "Ketchup!"
And he says "Oh yeah, that's right...
...I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight."
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say "Baby, gimme that burger,
I just gotta have a bite!"
So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
I eat filet mignon seven times a day
My bathtub's filled with Perrier
What can I say
This is the life
I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood
I hire somebody to chew my food
I'm an upwardly mobile dude
This is the life
They say that money corrupts you
But I can't really tell
I got the whole world at my feet
And I think it's pretty swell
I got women lined up outside my door
They've been waitin' there since the week before
Who could ask for more
This is the life
You're dead for a real long time
You just can't prevent it
So if money can't buy happiness
I guess I'll have to rent it
Yeah, every day I make the front page news
No time to pay my dues
I got a million pairs of shoes
This is the life
I got a solid gold Cadillac
I make a fortune while I sleep
You can tell I'm a living legend
Not some ordinary creep
No way, I'm the boss, the big cheese
Yeah, I got this town on its knobby little knees
And I can do just what I please
This is the life
That's right, I'm the king, number one
I buy monographed Kleenex by the ton
I pay the bills, I call the shots
I grease the palms, I buy the yachts
One thing I can guarantee
The best things in life, they sure ain't free
It's such a thrill just to be me
This is the life
They only show you their gums when they smile
Aint got a tooth in their heads now how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss
Hey, stand up
Toothless people, the breath is lethal
Wanna tell ya
Hey, (come on), stand up, (get on your feet)
Toothless people, old and feeble
What I say
No more of those pearly whites will they posses
Their oral hygiene is frightful a mess
Lots of ‘em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don't have to worry ‘bout cavities
Hey, stand up, (take out your teeth)
Toothless people, old and feeble
Oh yes
You can brush ‘em. You can floss ‘em
They're something you just can't ignore
If you lose ‘em your in trouble
‘Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more
You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say ahh
You don't wanna have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw
(Like toothless people)
(Toothless people)
You better brush your teeth now
Toothless toothless toothless toothless people…
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight
Because I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels-a-rollin' until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch
But still I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon
Yeah
Well, Well, Milton Bradley's got a def one
It's a Twister (Twister, Twister, Twister)
Yeah, all the girls and homeboys
Playin' Twister (Twister, Twister, Twister!)
Spin the spinner and call the shot
Twister ties you up in a knot
That's Twister
Yeah, Twister
Check it
Right foot blue (Right foot blue)
Left hand red (Left hand red)
Left, Right, Yellow, Blue, Green
Yeah, Twister
Now, everybody's chillin'
With the Twister (Twister)
Wherever things are illin'
You'll find Twister (Twister, Twister!)
That's Twister
Yeah, Twister
Yeah buddy
You gotta get it
Yeah Twister
It's rotten
So rotten here
So rotten
It was like, the last day before trash day
My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay
Even though the garbage I knew would reek
(You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week
Then, um, I'm takin'
Birthday cake 'n'
(Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon
Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin'
Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin'
Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin'
She's naggin'
"I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor"
"Is that too much to ask for?"
But I see no reason why
Can't let a few more weeks go by
And now garbage is piled high
And buddy, you should see the flies
I said ...
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Oh, boy there's a lot in here (a lot)
And every day it grows (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
Look at all this garbage I keep generatin'
(Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin'
Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin'
Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin'
You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers
It so bad the roaches wearin' slippers
Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint
Stand up by themselves at this point
It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie
I wipe my feet before I go outside
I wonder what crawled in there and died
(You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified
But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends
Like, "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!"
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Oh, look what we got in here (now what?)
Let's watch it decompose (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***
Make me wanna throw up
It makes ya wanna ***, just makes ya wanna ***
Some Lysol, some Comet
I got a mop and it's got your name on it
(What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it
(Oh) Unless you gonna do it
Careful not to breathe the fumes
Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom
Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon
Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Oh, it's gone to pot in here (to pot)
Bring out the firehose (uh, uh, uh, uh)
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a ***
Make me wanna throw up
Give a little bit a ***, and a tiny bit a ***
Make ya wanna throw up
Mix a little bit a *** with a molecule a ***
Make me wanna throw up
It makes me wanna *** (aw, eww), just makes me wanna ***
Trigger Happy, trigger happy
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right
Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greater
Than to shoot first and ask questions later
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Well you can't take my guns away, I got a
Constitutional right
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the kami's attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson
That oughta teach 'em all a darn good lesson
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have
To blow you away
Oh, I accidentally shot Daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It's just a lousy flesh wound, Dad
You know I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll all get liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves
Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I alwaays keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh yeah, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have
To blow you away
Hey girl, you know, our economy's in the toilet
But I'm still gonna treat you right
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can even have the large fries, large fries
Yeah
Baby, you should know I am really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue, I always get the 2-ply
Want it, you can get it, my dear
I got my Costco membership card right here
Yeah you like Top Ramen? Need Top Ramen?
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em comin'
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it
Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
I can take you to the Laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go 'round and 'round
And baby we can go wherever you like, if you like
I said we can go wherever you like, if you like
Yeah
Hottest shorty I know, if you had some lipo
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar bills rolled up inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it is a day old
And you never ever gotta wear your sister's old clothes
Long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't gotta pay me, that's the way that I roll
My chick can have what she want
At Wal-Mart she can pick out anything she want
I know girl, you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that
Yeah you like my Hyundai? See my Hyundai?
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kinda far and I'm not made of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?
Mac and cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like, if you like
I said you can even have the last slice, last slice
Yeah
Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next do', do'
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like, if you like
I said you can watch whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo, my wallet's fat and full of ones
Yeah, it's all about the Washingtons, that's right
You want White Castle? Need White Castle?
Long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, well get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later
Thrift store jeans, on sale half price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Baby I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like, if you like
I said you can go have as much as you like, if you like
Yeah
My life is brilliant
What, was I too early?
Oh, sorry... Should I - do you wanna start over, or...
Keep going? Okay... now? Now?
My life is brilliant
Your life's a joke
You're just pathetic
You're always broke
Your homemade Star Trek uniform
Really ain't impressin' me
You're sufferin' from delusions of
Adequacy
You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
Never had a date
That you couldn't inflate
And you smell repulsive too
What a bummer bein' you
Well, you just can't dance
And forget romance
Everybody you know still calls you...
Farty-Pants
But you'll always have a job - well, I mean...
As long as you still can work that Slurpee machine
You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
You're half-undressed
Eatin' chips off your chest
While you're playin' Halo 2
No one's classier than you
La la la la, la la la la
La la la la loser
You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
Your dog would much rather play fetch by itself
You still live with your mom and you're 42
Guess you'll never grow a clue
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
parody of "Lump" by The Presidents of the USA
Gump sat alone on a bench in the park.
"My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark.
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets,
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates
He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?
Gump was a big celebrity.
He told JFK that he really had to pee.
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does
He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square.
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop!
His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he'd call Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
Went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt
He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's all right
Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain-dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that's all I have to say about that
Yo ULONDA!
Check that home girl's butt out!
Um hm girl!
It's so flat!
You tell it like it is IEESHA!
She looks like one of them.....lawyer's girlfriends,
Her butt, is just so SMALL!
We're talking slim pickin's girl!
What up Ieesha?
Where is it?
I don't even....see it!
LOOK!
Girl! She's just so....WHITE!
I like small butts,
that I can not lie,
You honkies can't deny!
And when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist,
And a big thing in your face, I get sick!
'Cause I'd like a toothpick,
I'd beat that booty with a stick!
Even the jeans she's wearing,
Her pants, they're almost tearing.
No, baby, I want a flat booty,
That's tooty fruity!
Those honkies tried to warn me,
that butt you got is...
OOH! SO CORNY!
Ooh! Chicken smooth skin,
You say you wanna get in my olds?
Well, pack me, pack me
'Cause you ain't that average chickety!
To Hell with romancin'!
I'll take her wallet dancin'!
RICH! BITCH!
I'll dick with her money, ditch!
So tired of Ebony!
Black butts are not my theme!
If you ask me what my flavor is,
I'll tell you it's Vanilla Ice Cream!
So Honkies!
Yeah?
Honkies!
Yeah?
Does your girlfriend have a big butt?
So shrink it, shrink it,
So I can get right down and dink it!
Baby got Jack!
White honkies with a real small booty,
White honkies with a real small booty,
Baby got Jack!
White honkies with a real small booty,
White honkies with a real small booty,
I like 'em flat,
And small!
And when I'm in the mall,
I just can't help myself,
I'm doing to dog-pound call!
BARK! BARK! BARK!
Don't like her sister,
Who farts while playing Twister!
I wish those bins would miss her!
But Uncle Ben would fister!
I like my bootys real slender,
And tender!
And if I see a big booty,
I'll put it in the blender!
Don't want a real fender!
I get into my Honda!
What the hell is an anaconda?
All I know is I like Jane Fondas,
Better then Ulondas!
Baby got Jack!
White honkies with a real small booty,
White honkies with a real small booty,
Baby got Jack!
White honkies with a real small booty,
White honkies with a real small booty,
Yeah Baby,
When it comes to females,
Cosmo knows everything,
What they're talking about!
362436!
If she's 7 8...
Flat on the bottom,
and I like it like that!
Flat on the bottom,
[12th Street Rag/Euday L. Bowman]
You're takin' to me good,
Just like you know you should.
You get me on my knees,
Please, baby, please.
[State of Shock/The Jacksons,Mick Jagger]
She looks so great, everytime I see her face.
She put me in a state (ooh, state of shock)
[Sharp Dressed Man/ZZ Top]
Top coat. Top hat.
I don't worry, 'cause my wallet's fat.
Black shades. White glove.
Lookin' sharp. Lookin' for love.
They come a-runnin' just as fast as they can,
'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man, hey!
Whoo! Ah ha!
[What's Love Got To Do With It?/Tina Turner]
Oh, what's love, got to do, got to do with it?
What's love but a second-hand emotion?
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?
[Method Of Modern Love/Hall & Oates]
M E T H O D O F L O V E,
It's the method of modern love.
[Owner Of A Lonely Heart/Yes]
Owner of a lonely heart.
Owner of a lonely heart,
Much better than the
Owner of a broken heart.
Owner of a lonely heart.
[We're Not Gonna Take It/Twisted Sister]
We're not gonna take it. No!
We ain't gonna take it.
We're not gonna take it, any more.
[99 Luftbalons/Nena]
Neun und neunzig luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont.
Denkst du vielleicht Grad an mich.
Dann singe ich ein Lied fur dich.
[Footloose/Kenny Loggins]
Now I gotta cut loose. Footloose.
Kick off my Sunday shoes.
Please! Louise! Pull me off-a my knees.
Jack! Get back! Come on, before we crack!
Loose! You're blues. Ev'ry body cut footloose!
[The Reflex/Duran Duran]
So why don't you use it.
Try not to bruise it.
Find time, don't lose it.
[Mental Health (Bang Your Head)/Quiet Riot]
Bang your head.
Metal health'll drive ya mad.
Bang your head.
Metal health'll drive ya mad.
[Relax/Frankie Goes To Hollywood]
Relax, don't do it.
When you wanna go to it.
Relax, don't do it.
When you wanna come.
Relax, don't do it.
When you wanna sock it to it.
Relax, don't do it.
When you wanna come.
When you wanna come.
When you want to come.
I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. I can't watch this
My my my my TV makes me so bored
Makes me say, oh my lord
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears
It sucks, and that's no lie
It's about as much fun as watching paint dry
Lowers my IQ one notch
And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch
I told you homeboy... I can't watch this
Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know...
I can't watch this
Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this
Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this
Talkin' 'bout sick shows
Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos
I can't believe my eyes
When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize
Somebody's poor old mom
Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn
Face first on a rake
I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take
That's funny as a kick in the crotch
And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch
Yo, I told you... I can't watch this
Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this
Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this
Cosby Show and Rosanne
Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can
Judge Wopner, oh my
You gotta be Rainman to like this guy
Thirtysomething is alright
If you like hearing yuppies whining all night
Can't stand Twin Peaks
Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks
Thos Siskel & Ebert bums
Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs
That's word because you know... I can't watch this
I can't watch this
Break it down!
Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarantee-removes-tough-stains-fast
-it-tastes-more-like-fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't-hate-me
-because-I'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff-our-prices-are-insaaaane!!!
Stop! Prime Time!
I'm pretty sure I'll be sick
If I have to watch another stupid pet trick
Or that guy with the real flat hair
That goes "woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air
Or those weird talk shows
About Transsexual Nazi Eskimos
They're rude, crude and vile
Just for a minute let's flip down the dial
Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this
Look man... I can't watch this
I can't take this torture no more, I can't...
I can't watch this
Pay the bills, station break
Break it down!
Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium-necklace-you're-soaking-in-it
-and-our-fabulous-swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this-big
-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up!!
Stop! Cable Time!
HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV
I might like 'em more after my lobotomy
Now why did I ever pay for this junk?
I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk
Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A
It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away
I can't watch this. I can't watch this
I can't watch this. Yeah... I can't watch this
I told you... can't watch this
Too hip, can't watch this
Once, there was this kid who
Took a trip to Singapore and brought along his spray paint
And when he finally came back
He had cane marks all over his bottom
He said that it was from when
The warden whacked it so hard
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Once there was this girl who
Swore that one day she would be a figure skating champion
And when she finally made it
She saw some other girl who was better
And so she hired some guy to
Club her in the kneecap
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
They got paid for their sound bites
And sold their TV movie rights
And then, there was this guy who
Made his wife so mad one night that she cut off his weiner
And when he finally came to
He found that Mr. Happy was missing
He couldn't quite explain it
It'd always just been there
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
Ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Were), ahh ahh (There) ahh ahh (Is)
(There were, there is)
There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says 'Here's Johnny'
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is 'Here's Johnny'
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line
'Here's Johnny' He says
And laughs in his special way
'Johnny' he says
You know I love him
'Here's Johnny' he says
And second fiddle is his game
Ed McMahon's his name, all right
Woah, oh yeah
Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say 'Here's Johnny'
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say 'Here's Johnny'
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said 'You may already be a winner'
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend
'Here's Johnny' he says
And laughs in his special way
'Johnny' he says, you know I love him
'Here's Johnny' he says
And that's the way he gets his pay
What a living
Oh 'Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny' Woah no
'Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny'
No no, no no no no I don't believe it
'Here's Johnny' he says
And everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name
(Special guy) A very special guy, all right
(He's on) He's on every night
(Every night) Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
'Here's Johnny'
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says 'Hey-Oh, Hey-Hey-Oh'
'Here's Johnny' he says
And laughs in his special way
'Johnny' he says, you know I love him
'Here's Johnny' he says
That seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name
'Here's Johnny'
'Here's Johnny'
'Here's Johnny' (laughing)
'Here's Johnny'
'Here's Johnny' (laughing)
'Here's Johnny' (laughing)
'Here's Johnny' (laughing)
'Here's Johnny'
'Here's Johnny' (laughing)
'Here's'
'Here's Johnny'
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
Well, I went out to a party just the other night
I was jammin' to the music, I was feelin' alright
I was burning up the floor like a disco maniac
When my woman said, "Baby, why's your hand behind you back?"
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
I said boogie (gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
I can't pick it off (uh uh)
I can't flick it off (uh uh)
I sure ain't gonna lick it off (oh no)
So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with it
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
(boogie)
Gotta boogie
(boogie)
Hey, you wanna boogie? (No man, I don't wanna boogie)
Wanna boogie? (Get that boogie out of my face)
Do any of you wanna boogie? (No!)
Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger
Who's that waddlin' down the street
It's just me 'cause I love to eat
Fudge and twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby, yes, I am
Every picture of me's gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me, there's just one thing left to do
Grapefruit diet, throw out the pizza and beer
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet, oh, forget those jelly donuts out of here
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet, might seem a little severe
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet, I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear, blow, fatty
(Diet)
Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating, I eat a little more
When I leave a room, first I gotta grease the door
Grapefruit diet, can't have another eclair
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet, I gotta decrease my derriere
(Diet)
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
No more pie now, no more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy and souffle
No French fries now, no ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho, stay away
Oh, I think I'd sell my soul for a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang when I put on my belt
Grapefruit diet, lay off the 3 Musketeers
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet, until my big booty disappears
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet, I eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
(Diet)
Grapefruit diet 'cause I haven't seen my feet in years
(Diet)
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese
Oh the sand keeps falling through the hourglass
And there's no way you're going to slow it down
You say we gotta treasure each moment
Who knows how long we're gonna be around
Yeah you keep on telling me life is short
And it's hard to disagree with what you say
But if time is so precious why ya wasting mine
Cuz I'm always reading
Always deleting
Every useless piece of garbage that you send my way
Every stupid hoax
All those corny jokes
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well I don't need tons of cringe inducing puns
Stop forwarding that crap to me
No it isn't ok if you brighten my day
With some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry
And I didn't request a personality test
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Ahhh
You're sending virus latent you're sending virus-laden bandwidth-hogging
Attachments to every single person you know
You're passing around a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
That everybody else already saw three years ago
And wacky badly Photoshopped billboard were never that amusing to me
And I just can't believe you believe those urban legends
But I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes
And debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly
No I don't want a bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Send more top 10 lists and I'll slash my wrists
Please stop forwarding that crap to me
Well I'm sorry I can't accept your paranoid rant
And I don't want the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe
Won't you kindly refrain cuz it's hurting my brain
Stop forwarding that crap to me...
Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody's cat
Now tell me in what alternate reality will I care about something like
That?
And by the way your quotes from George Carlin aren't really George Carlin
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet Cong
And Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing
And I really doubt some dead girl is gonna kill me if I don't pass her
Letter along
Well now I know you're wishing
I'll sign your petition
But stop forwarding that crap to me
And I don't want to read your series
Of conspiracy theories
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
And your two million loser friends
All have my address because you never figured out the way to BCC
But now I gotta insist
Take me off of your list
Stop forwarding that crap to me
(Stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me)
Just stop it now
Oh no
(Stop forwarding that crap to me) [repeats]
I can't take it
Aw please
You gotta stop
Right now
I'm not kidding
At the risk of being slightly repetitious gonna ask you now to stop
Sending me that crap
I don't want it
Don't send it to me
Now don't send it to me
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me
You're sort of famous
a minor celebrity
and so it only makes sense
the world would be
obsessed with every
single thing you do
They're running 'round
with their camcorders in the night
they lurk impatienly
in hope that they just might
see something really embarrassing
you do
The bad hair day and sweat-stained t-shirts
that's the story that
they are gonna feature
with exclusive pics
of your flabby behind
you think you're all alone
but that's right when you'll find
A bunch of paparazzi
popping out of nowhere
cameras in your face
and then suddenly
you're on TMZ
you're on TMZ
Following you
when you're walking down the street
and asking stupid questions
while you're trying to eat
so you cover your face
thinking to yourself
"Hey, isn't this creepy?"
And they are there praying
you'll have a big meltdown
and take a mono-lethal car chase
through this whole town
they'll be there with you
when you're going to jail
first on the scene
for every wardrobe fail
You just picked up some transvestite
seconds later
it's up on the website
get a vegas wedding
a quickie divorce
and they'll be
sneaking in
snapping pictures, of course
And if they ever catch you
picking your nose
or storming down the street
in a drunken spree
you're on TMZ
Stalking you, just waiting by your front door
trailing you through
airport security
they were TMZ
they were TMZ
[We caught this oscar nominee picking up DOG POOP
is that a baby back there?
I pronounce you guilty, of leaving the house while FAT
Look Who's drinking COFFEE,
everything celebrities do is FASCINATING]
Oh, let me tell you
it's getting to the point
where a famous person can't
even get a D.U.I
or go on a racist rant
those guys are all around
so you really shouldn't dare
go to every club in town
if you just lost your underwear
Seems that every single time
a star decides to shave her hair
or ram their car into a tree
they're on TMZ
If they catch you peeing in the bushes
later on, that night
well, I guarantee
you're on TMZ
you're on TMZ
you're on TMZ
Every single celebrity
knows they're gonna be
As I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
with a rabid wolverine in my underwear
when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
i guessed is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Luis
is it Bob or Joe or Walter
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Berny or Steve
I probably would of kept on guessing
but about that time we crashed into the truck
and as im laying bleeding there on the asphalt
finally I recognized the face of my Hibachie dealer
who takes off his prostetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you thought was just so important
Doesnt really matter everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
all you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
As I was walking to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
when i accidentally stepped into an alternative dimension
and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
who's faces kinda looked like Jamie Barr
they sucked out my internal organs and took some polaroids
and said I was a darn good sport and as a way of saying thank you
they offered to transport me back to any point in history
that i would care to go
and so i had them send me back to last thursday night
so i could pay my phone bill on time
just then a floating disembodied head of Colonal Sanders started yelling
Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you thought was just so important
Doesnt really matter everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
all you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
when i got a nasty paper cut
and well to make a long story short it got infected and i died
so now im up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates
and its obvious he doesn't like the nayru jacket im wearing
he tells me that they got a dress code
well he lets me into heaven anyway
but i get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity
and everyday he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you used to think was so important
doesn't really matter anymore
because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong
(everything you know is wrong) Everything you know is wrong
The Poodle's a slimy carnivorous beast
In pastures you might find it grazing
It's fangs measure 23-inches, at least
It's antlers are simply amazing
Sometimes it will bury its head in the sand
It's our main source of pork, ham and bacon
But, then again, on the other hand
Aahh
Well I heard that you're leavin' (leavin')
Gonna leave me far behind (so far behind)
'Cause you found a brand new lover
You decided that I'm not your kind (aahh..)
So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex (oohh..)
And I tore all your pictures in two
And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go
Just because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo)
That's right (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'
I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Than spend one more minute with you
I guess I might seem kinda bitter
You got me feeling down in the dumps
'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love
And I have to use the self-service pumps
Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase
You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two
'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
Than spend one more minute with you
I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch you going out with other men
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again
Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, Darlin...
I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you
Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
Than spend one more minute with you
I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die
You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again
Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago
They looked so sweet and harmless
Tell me, how was I to know
They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise
They grew to forty thousand times their original size
They started mutatin' right before my eyes
Oh my
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
A race from a distant place
They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars
Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
The president, he's is a panic
The pentagon, they're in shock
There's a team of research scientists They got 'em workin' 'round the clock
Now the National Guard is out in my back yard
And the Marines'll be comin' around
I hope they get this lousy rodents out of my town
'Cause the property values are goin' way down now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anayway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
What a racquet they're makin', Jack
They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars
Listen to 'em squeal
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Hey Jack, you better watch your back
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars
Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars
A planet near Mars
I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yah, but chocolate's gettin' old
Vanilla just leaves me cold
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need
Baby, I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow
They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supple is gone
Then I'll be movin' on
But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, you'll see
Another truck load's comin' in for me, all for me
I'm singin'
I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow
(oh, make it talk)
When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and loose my teeth that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Sing it
I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me
I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with
I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with
I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
Ohhhhhh...
I was there, to match my intellect, on national TV,
Against a plumber, and an architect, both with a Ph.D.
I was tense, I was nervous,
I guess it just wasn't my night.
Art Fleming gave the answers,
Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
Well I knew I was in trouble now,
My hope of winning sank,
'Cause I got the Daily Double now,
And then my mind went blank.
I took Potpourri for one hundred,
And then my head started to spin.
Well, I'm givin' up. Don Pardo,
Just tell me now what I didn't win,
Yeah, yeah.
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
That's right Al--you lost! And let me tell what you didn't win: a twenty-
volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a
year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. But that's not all!
You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! And
you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations to come!
You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of your
home game! You're a complete loser!!
Don't know what I was thinkin' of,
I guess I just wasn't too bright.
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on The Price Is Right-ight-ight
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Baby,
(Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy,
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat
A million people every day are starving in the street
Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four
There's garbage in the water, there's poison in the sky
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Well, what's the matter, little friend, you think this party is the pits
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits
The monkeys in the pentagon are gonna cook our goose
Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse
It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried
Come on boys and girls, sing along, okay
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you, wow
Well, there's a punk in the alley and he's looking for a fight
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed
I guess you know the earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you, wow
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
And a pinch to grow an inch
Met this fine young thing
At the local Circle K
We made a date for a half past eight
And I said, "What the hey?"
So I journeyed to her crib
And I let myself inside
That chick was slouched down on the couch
I think her brain was fried
Couldn't figure it out
She wouldn't even look at me
Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotised
Cold glued to her TV
"Hey, what's your problem baby doll
Let's have a little fling"
She said, "Hey you fool, now just be cool
I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing"
Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Watchin' all night
Musta, been a marathon
I was bummin', those shows kept comin'
Here's what was goin' on
These Castaways were stranded
On this island out at sea
One of them called Gilligan
So let's name him after m
He'd mess up every rescue
Man, that first mate was illin'
If I was one of those Castaways
I think I'd probably kill 'im
Just about that time
Telephone began to ring
She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get
We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing
She loves that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please
I like the professor
He always saves their butts
He could build a nuclear reactor
From a clouple' of coconuts
She said, "That guy's a genius"
I shook my head and laughed
I said, "If he's so fly, they tell me why
He couldn't build a lousy raft"
And while we're on the subject
I'll tell you one thing for sure
Those homeboys brought an awful lot
For just a three hour tour
Then her mom came in the room
It was kind of embarrasing
She said, "Hey you two, I was once like you
And I loved that Gilligan's Isle thing"
Isle thing
She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please
Skipper's in a hammock
He's looking kinda fat
He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit
Old Gilligan with his hat
Mrs. Hal had it goin' on
But Mr. Hal was meaner
Ginger and Mary Anne could've used
Some funky cold medina (?)
I was really diggin' this show
I didn't know what to do
It kinda looked like I was hooked
Now I'm an addict too
I know each episode by heart
Now I'm the rerun king
And on every date we both stay up late
And we watch the Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing
Hasta la vista, little buddy
You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again
Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
I sued Taco Bell
'Cause I ate half a million Chalupas
And I got fat!
I sued Panasonic
They never said I shouldn't use their microwave
To dry off my cat
Huh, I sued Earthlink
'Cause I called them up
N' they had the nerve to put me on hold
I sued Starbucks
'Cause I spilled a Frappucino in my lap
And brrr, it was cold!
I sued Toys'R'Us
'Cause I swallowed a Nerf ball
And nearly choked to death
Ugh, I sued PetCo
'Cause I ate a bag of kitty litter
And now I got bad breath!
I sued Coca-Cola, yo
'Cause I put my finger down in a bottle
And it got stuck!
I sued Delta Airlines
'Cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey
I went there, and it sucked!
Yeah!!!
If you stand me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah I might even sue you!
Ugh!!
I sued Duracell
They never told me not to shove that double-A
Right up my nose
I sued Home Depot
'Cause they sold me a hammer
Which they knew I might drop on my toes
I sued Dell Computers
'Cause I took a bath with my laptop
Now it doesn't work
I sued Fruit of the Loom
'Cause when I wear their tightie-whities on my head
I look like a jerk
I sued Verizon
'Cause I get all depressed
everytime my cell phone is roaming
I sued Colorado
'Cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much
Like Wyoming
I sued Neiman Marcus
'Cause they put up their Christmas decorations
Way out of season
I sued Ben Affleck
Aw, do I even need a reason?
Ugh!
If I sprain my ankle
While I'm robbing your place
If I hurt my knuckles
When I punch you in the face
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, that's right I'm gonna sue you
Ugh!
Ugh!
Ugh!
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny
I'll sue ya!
Ha-ha ha ha-haa
I'll sue ya!
What'chall think of that?
I'll sue ya!
Ha-ha ha ha-haa
Boo ya!
I'll sue ya!
I don't care about your karma
I don't care about what's hip
No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do
I won't swim in your Jacuzzi
You can't make me settle down
I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch
And scream until I'm blue
I may as well be hyper as long as I'm still around
'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back
When I'm six feet underground.
(Chorus)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
When are you cosmic cowboys gonna get it through your heads
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I can't stand the smell of incense
I don't really like to jog
No Joanie Mitchell 8-tracks in the car (oooh)
I hate anything organic
Even health food makes me sick
You won't catch me sipping Perrier
Down in some sushi bar, I tell you
Now's the time to go for all the gusto you can grab
You'll have plenty of time to be low-key
When you're laid out on the slab
(Chorus)
Ow! Bobcat!
I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene
I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans
No redwood hot tub to my name
I got all that I want and if it's all the same to you
I don't need a course in selfawareness
To find out who I am
And I'd rather have a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack
Than all the bean sprouts in Japan
Ah so don't ask me what I'm into
I don't need to prove I'm cool
I'll break your arm if you ask me what's my sign
I won't tell you where my head's at
I don't need to see no shrink
Psychosis may be in this year but I'm really not that kind
And I'm in no hurry to be casual
In fact I think I'll wait
Until I'm pushing up the daisies
Like wow, man, can you relate?
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead .....wooooowww!
Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news
He said, "Hey, you know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"
Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
Would you look at all that stuff ...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
In the year of 1970
Underneath the old smogberry tree
First was heard a man that we all know
The one and only Dr. Demento
Nixon, Ford, and Carter, Reagan too
Remember all they did and didn't do
Through it all, one consistency
Spending once a week with Dr. D
So wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented
Changes come, seasons pass
Like Alice through the looking glass
He shares a world of madness that we cheer
For fifteen roly poly years.
So wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented
Don't forget to stay demented
Everybody sing
He has a very friendly, fuzzy face
And nobody could ever take his place
His fans around the globe will never dwindle
'Cause he fits so many records on his spindle
Stacks of laughing wax from floor to ceiling
Well, it gives him such a warm internal feeling
Whether you're Italian or Egyptian
He's bound to fill your musical prescription
Wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented
Wind your radios way up tight
Raise your glasses high tonight
Like wine, his spirit has fermented
So here's to him, the one who stays demented
In the year of 1970
Underneath the old smogberry trees
First was heard a man that we all know
The one and only Dr. Demento
Isn't it strange
Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror
What would people say
If only they knew that I was
Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan)
Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say
I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
Look at the way
We go out walking close together
I guess you could say
I'm really beside myself
I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)
They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And I can stay at home while I'm out of town
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin' in stereo, it's all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say
I think I'm a clone now
Another one of me's always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
That's my genetic twin always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he took my pants off and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight 'till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube with glue
All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside
Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time!
Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dum
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil doers to fight
Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss upside down in the rain
"With great power comes great responsibility"
That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben
If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say the line
Again and again and again
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom
Now Norman's a billionare scientist
Who never had time for his son
But then something went screw and before you knew he
Was trying to kill everyone
And he's ridin' around on that glider thing
And he's throwin' that weird pumpkin bomb
Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask
But he's scarier without it on
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now
But where'd you come up with those tights?
It's a pretty sad day at the funeral
Norman Osborn has bitten the dust
And I heard Harry's said he wants Spider-Man dead
Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust
Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now
Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down
Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the sequal comes 'round
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dum
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
You can watch Mister Rogers,
You can watch Three's Company,
And you can turn on Fame,
Or the Newlywed Game,
Or the Addams Family.
Say, you can watch Barney Miller,
And you can watch your MTV,
And you can watch
Till your eyes fall out of your head.
That'll be okay with me.
And you can watch (TV)
You can watch Johnny Carson,
You can watch Phil Donahue,
And you can use TV Guide
To help you decide,
With a capsulized review.
Say, you can watch 60 minutes,
Even Captain Kangaroo,
But there's only one set,
So whatever you watch
Well, you know I gotta watch it too.
A-say, give it up,
Give it up,
Television's takin' its toll.
That's enough,
That's enough.
Gimme the remote control.
I've been nice,
I've been good,
Please don't do this to me.
Turn it off,
Turn it off,
I don't wanna have to see
The Brady Bunch.
Not the Brady Bunch.
Well, the Brady Bunch.
Yeah, the Brady Bunch.
It's the story of a lovely lady,
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold,
Like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.
It's the story of a man named Brady
Who was busy with three boys of his own.
They were four men living all together,
A-yeah, but they were all alone.
Till then one day,
A-one day,
When the lady met this fellow
And they knew,
And they knew
It was much more than a hunch
That the group,
A-this group
Must somehow form a family.
That's the way,
That's the way,
That's the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
Well, the Brady Bunch,
Yeah, the Brady Bunch,
Well, the Brady Bunch.
Oh, it's the Brady Bu-unch...
Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming
After working all year down at Big Roy's Eating And Plumbing
So one night when my family the I were gathered 'round the dinner table
I said, "Kids, if you could go anywhere in this great big world, now
Where'd you like to go ta"
They said, "Dad, we wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota"
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
So the very next day we loaded up the car
With potato skins and pickled weiners,
Crossword puzzles, Spider-Man comics, and mama's home made rhubarb pie
Pulled out of the driveway and the neighbors, they all waved good-bye
And so began our three day journey
We picked up a guy holding a sign that said "twine ball or bust"
He smelled real bad and he said his name was Bernie
I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net
Kids were in the back seat jumping up and down,
yelling "Are we there yet?"
And all of us were joined together in one common thought
As we rolled down the long and winding interstate in our '53 DeSoto
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Oh, we couldn't wait to get there
So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights
Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then
The scenery was just so pretty, boy I wish the kids could've seen it
But you can't see out of the side of the car
Because the windows are completely covered
With the decals of all the place where we've already been
There's Elvis-O-Rama, the Tupperware Museum,
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World,
The Shuffleboard Hall Of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock,
And The Mecca of Albino Squirrels
We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums,
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree
We've seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches,
But there's still one thing we gotta see
Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39
And we saw a sign that said "Twine Ball exit - 50 miles"
Oh, the kids were so happy the started singing
"99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for the 27th time that day
So, we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station
Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're gonna see the biggest ball of tiwne in Minnesota
Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening as the sun was setting
in the Minnesota sky
Out in the distance, on the horizon, it appeared to me like a vision
before my unbelieving eye
I parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence towards that
glorius huge majestic sphere
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer imensity,
I had to pop myself a beer
Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open ten to eight on weekdays,
in a little shrine under a make-shift pagoda,
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Oh, what on earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing?
Oh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of string
What was he trying to prove, who was he trying to impress
Why did he build it, how did he do, it was anybody's guess
Where did he get the twine, what was goin' through his mind
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time
Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids
"Now, you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason"
I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car
and we can take it home", but I was only teasin'
Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line
Bought a souvineer miniature ball of twine, some window decals,
and anything else they'd sell us
And we bought a couple post cards, "Greetings from the twine ball,
wish you were here"
Won't the folks back home be jealous
I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball and we all gathered
'round and said, "Cheese"
The Bernie ran away with my brand new Insti-Matic,
but at least we got our memories
Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist,
but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about"
Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside and I fell on my knees
and I cried and cried
And that's when those security guards threw us out
You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker,
It'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota
'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn
In the morning we were on our way home again
But we really didn't want to leave, that was perfectly clear
I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go"
Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kind of feelin'
we'll be comin' back again next year"
'Cause I've been all around this great big world
And I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota
the devil went to jamaica
he was lookin' to sell some weed
he was doin' fine
they were standin' in line
it was excellent weed indeed
when he came across a young man
who was likewise peddelin' pot
and the devil slid down the beach to the kid
and said 'boy lemme tell you what'
i guess you kinda figured i'm a reefer head of course
and after all this time
i guess that i'm
a connoisseur of sorts
now your stuff smells ok
but this could tranquilize a horse
i'll bet a million in cash
against your stash
coz i think mine's better than yours
the boy said 'my name's johnny and you ain't smoked nothin' yet'
one hit of this grass
will kick your ass
you got yourself a bet
johnny roll a ball of hash
and make sure it's the bomb
coz the devil's got the kind of stuff
they smoked in vietnam
you'll get a million smackaroo's
in cash if you cash if you can cook,
but if you can't devil'll get your dope
the devil packed a bong
with a little acapulco gold
and resin flew from his fingertips
as he fired up his bowl
he filled that chamber all the way
and he took a mighty hit
as they passed it back and forth
it gave'em both a coughin' fit
when the bowl was finished johnny said
'hey man that stuff was great'
but fill your lungs with some of this
and prepare to vegetate
cannabis,apeeva,sweet mary jane
the devil's in the back yard fryin' his brain
zig zag filled with a diggity dang
hold on tight it'll hit you like a tank
the devil nodded off because he knew that he was stoned
and he asked if he could buy an ounce of the stuff that johnny owned.
johnny said 'devil just come on back if you ever wanna catch a buzz'
i done told you once you son of a bitch,
mine's the best there ever was
then they
fired up doobies one by one,
ain't gonna stop 'til the bag's done
green as a bullfrog,
sticky as glue
granted you'll get high,
yes i do
Well, hey how ya doin' have a seat, have a drink
Boy it's good to see you, what can I say?
Oh, sorry gotta run we'll get together again
Say, what was your name anyway?
Well we're working on the problem, we'll get back to you soon
But don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon
For a year maybe longer keep in touch
Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day
The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Well hey wait a minute what's the matter hold on
You want me to fork over the loot?
You say you hate my guts you wanna take me to court
And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit?
Well I'm proud to say you're not the only critic of mine, yeah
So if you wanna sue me I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line
Take a number thanks for calling who loves you baby
Don't forget to read the fine print
The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Oh, trust me!
The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
Why don't you leave a message with my girl
I'll have lunch with your machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
If I could stick my hand in my heart
Spill it all over the stage
Would it satisfy you
Would it slide on by you
Would you think the boy is strange
Ain't it stra-a-ange
If I could win
If I could sing
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried
If I cri-i-ied
I said, "Ah no, It's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it
Ah no, it's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it, like it
Yes I do
I really really really really do do-do do do"
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doin' all right
Hear they whip the women just around midnight
Brown sugar
How come you taste so good
Brown sugar
Just like a young girl should
I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would make her connection
By her feet was a footloose man
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You might find
You get what you need
You need honkey tonk women
Gimme gimme gimme the honkey tonk blues
Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It's down to me
Yes it is
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me
The change has come
She's under my thumb
So, goodbye ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still, I'm gonna miss you
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Please allow me to introdue myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste (woo woo)
I've been around for a long long year
So many a man sold a faith (woo woo)
Pleased to meet you (woo woo)
Hope you guessed (woo woo) my name (woo woo woo woo)
'Cause what's bothering you (woo woo)
Is the nature (woo woo) of my game (woo woo woo woo)
I said, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Don't hang around because two's a crowd
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter, shay-do-bay(?), shatter
Laughter, joy, and lonliness
And sex and sex and sex and sex
Look at me
I'm in tatters
Shay-do-bay(?), I'm shattered
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter
This doesn't happen to me every day, oh my
Let's spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway, oh my
Let's spend the night together
I'll satisfy your every need (every need)
And I know you'll satisfy me
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together now
Ma-ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma ma ma my
I can't get no
Satisfaction
I can't get no
Girlie action
'Cause I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
And I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
I can't get no
I can't get no
I can't get no
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he€™s no bum, he works down the street
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat.
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say,
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
If you want, you can have an appetizer
You might like our silami and the liver€™s alright
And they really go well with the rye or the kaiser
Never eats while on the job,
He heard it€™s good to stay hungry
But he makes a pretty mean shishkabob
Have a taste, they were made fresh today
Try the rye or the kaiser
Or the wheat or the white
Maybe I can suggest an appetizer
Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight
But you just can€™t go wrong with the rye or the kaiser
So today, his deli comes first
Steady dreams of his past days of glory
Goes in the back and beats on the liverwurst
All the while you can still hear him say,
It€™s the rye or the kaiser
It€™s the thrill of one bite
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions,
I won't put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye or the kaiser.
The rye or the kaiser€.. (repeat)
"Who fixes plumbing problems in a flash?
Twenty four hours a day? Seven days a week?")
Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand
But plumbing's one thing I don't understand
It's true (Haven't got a clue)
B-b-b-baby, I can tell you've got a big problem
When I flush the john, then your shower goes on
(Baby) Now watcha gonna do?
If Drano's a joke and your plunger is broke
Baby, call the mensch with a monkey wrench
(Baby) He'll be there for you
Shower's backing up (up, up)?
Water won't go down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Sink's been stopped up all summer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call the plumber
He'll know what to do
Pipes been blowing up
Pipes been breaking down
And the carpet's soaked... right through
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, kitchen's flooded, too
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, girl, you know it's true
B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawer
If he works for one day, costs you half a year's pay
(Baby) He can be here by 2:00
So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash
Makin' service calls in his overalls
(Baby) He'll do his best for you
Sewer's backing up (up, up)?
Got you feelin' down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Leaky pipes are a bummer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Time to call the plumber
Maybe call a few
Got a problem with plumbing?
Gotta blame it on something
Blame it on the drain it was cloggin', cloggin'
Blame it on the faucet that drips all night
If hairballs, grease and goo
Won't let the water through
Blame it on the drain, yeah, yeah
When I flush the john, now when I flush the john
It turns your shower on
(Roto-Rooter 6-5000)
Ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call my plumber
He'll know what to do
Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story
Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth
Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar in Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy
Oh my my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the Queen?
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
Ooh, he was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin', my my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance, to the force?
They interviewed the kid, all training, they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear, I still will teach this boy"
He was singin'," My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry"
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amigdala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin', my my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin', "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We were singin', "My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later, now he's just a small fry"
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
I woke up this morning
Then I went back to bed
Said I woke up this morning
Then I went right back to bed
Got a funny kind of feelin' like I got broken glass in my underwear
And a herd of wild pigs is trying to chew off my head
You know what I'm sayin'
Well I ain't got not money
I'm just walkin' down the road
Said I ain't got no money, honey
So I'm just walking down this lonely old road
Well, I wish I could get me some money
But I forgot my automated teller code
I was born in a paper sack in the bottom of a sewer
I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor
My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tiles
My brothers and sisters all hated me 'cause I was an only child
I got the blues so bad, woo
Kinda wish I was dead
Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama
Or maybe I'll, yeah maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead
I'm just a no good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking, sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime
Nothing but a low-down beer bellied, bone headed, pigeon toed, turkey necked, weasle faced, worthless hunk of slime
Guess I pretty low self image
Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something -- I
I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time
Make it talk
Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk
OK, now make it shut up
Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down
I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around
I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain
I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain
I got the blues so bad
Kinda wish I was dead
Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama
Or maybe I'll go bowling
Or I just might go bowling
Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling
Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid looking
shirt and go bowling instead
Next week on U62...
He's back
And this time
He's mad
Gandhi II
No more mister passive resistance
He's out to kick some butt
This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with
Don't move, slimeball
He's a one man recking crew
But he also knows how to party
Gimme a steak, medium rare
Hey, Baldy!
There is only one law
His law
George, George, George of the jungle
Strong as he can be
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
George, George, George of the jungle
Lives a life that's free
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
When he gets in scrapes
When he makes his escapes
With the help of his friend
An ape named Ape
Then away he'll schlep
On his elephant Shep
While Fella and Ursula
Stay in step with
George, George, George of the jungle
Friend to you and me
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
Watch out for that (Ahhh) (Oooh) tree
George, George, George of the Jungle
I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka
I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be
A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France
People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week
But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic
They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some cafe town in St. Tropez
It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
"Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
Hemenene humenene
himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...
Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool
A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a happy meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)
That's right
(He's a genius in France, genius in France)
You know it
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?"
I say, "Oui, oui"
That's right, I say, "Oui, oui"
"Oui, oui"
He says, "Oui, oui"
I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there
I'm a genius in France
Yeah, I'm a genius in France
Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream
"You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"
Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream
When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)
People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude
Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle
Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen; I don't have a clue
Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it
'Cause I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance
But "Great Googily Moogily", I'm a genius in France
Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!
Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy
I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention
But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France
Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Some girls like to buy new shoes
And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos
There's only one thing that they all like a bunch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch
I know how to keep a woman satisfied
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide
They're always in the mood for something to munch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have
That's all they really want
Some lunch
Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch
'Cause girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch
Girls, they want
Want to have lunch
Girls wanna have
She eats like she got a hole in her neck
And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check
Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have
That's all they really want
Is some lunch
Don't know for certain but I've got a hunch
Those girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch
Girls, they want
Want to have lunch
Girls wanna have
They just want to
They just want to
Girls
They just want to
They just want to
Girls just want to have lunch
Girls
Girls just want to have lunch
They just want to
They just want to
They just want to
They just want to
They just want to
Eew! Don't touch that!
[Regular voice]
Oooh! Don't touch that
You don't know where it's been
Don't touch wet paint
Don't touch that dial
[Old man]
A rotten egg? Yecch, don't touch that!
Never touch yellow snow
Not even with a ten-foot pole
[Droopy]
Never touch food that glows
Or Doctor Demento
Yes, don't touch that!
[Bullwinkle]
Hey, watch me pull
A rabbit from my hat
Wait, that's not a rabbit
Oooh! Don't touch that
[Bill Cosby]
When you find lumps in your puddin' pops
Don't touch 'em, they're not cool
[?]
Don't stick your finger in the ear
Of a fat chick at school
[Goofy]
Gawrsh, never touch anything
That's dragged in by the cat
[Kid voice]
Greasy grimy gopher guts
Eeew, don't touch that!
[Cheech]
Hey man, don't touch my ol' lady!
[Swishy voice]
You can lookee, but no touchee!
[Sexy woman]
Oooh! Don't touch me there!
[?]
Don't touch milk if it's crunchy
[Old lady]
Never sit on a wet seat
[?]
Don't touch it (like) that woman in heat
[French accent]
Aaah, (Speaking French)
Get away from my weed whackers!
Don't touch that!
[Fussy voice]
Never touch a tissue
That's rolled up in a ball
[Eddie Murphy]
Never touch the gummy gums
Of Arsenio Hall
[Apu]
Welcome to 7-Eleven
Don't touch the Slurpee machine
[Ernest]
Hey, I wouldn't touch that pit bull
That's foamin' at the mouth
Know what I mean?
[Group]
Never touch the wart
On Aunt Martha's chin
Never touch what's on you
When you sneeze in the wind
Ah-choo!
[Dracula]
Good evening
Don't touch the blood
From a vampire bat
[Hysterical giggling]
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha
Don't touch that!
[Rapper]
Don't play catch
With a scuzzball
Don't pick bugs
From your windshield
Don't touch a slug
Or a hairball
[Group]
Oooh! Don't touch that
[Reagan]
Uh, well, I wouldn't touch it
If I could remember what it was for
[Godfather]
Last guy who touched this
He ain't around no more
[W C Fields]
Ah yes, you haven't had tequila
Until you get the worm
[Jewish]
I don't think a worm is kosher
It's schmutz!
Don't touch that
[Group]
Eeew, ee-eeew, ee-eeew, ee-eeew!
Oooh!
Eeew, ee-eeew, ee-eeew, ee-eeew!
Yecch!
[Valley girl]
Oh my god that's cowabunga dude!
Don't touch that!
[Clint Eastwood]
Go ahead, make my day
Touch that!
[Pee Wee Herman]
Uh oh! Honk honk!
Don't touch that, ha ha ha (crash!)
[Engineer]
Okay, we're ready for take ninety-nine in here
Uh, don't touch that button please
[Another voice]
Hic! You mean this button here?
[Engineer]
Yeah, that big red button...DON'T TOUCH THAT!
[Voice]
What happens if, Hic! I touch this button here?
[Engineer]
No! Not that button! Please! DON'T TOUCH THAT!
[giant explosion]
Oh some times I think back to when I was younger
Life was so much simpler then
Dad would be up at dawn
He'd be watering the lawn
Or maybe going fishing again
Oh and mom would be fixing up something in the kitchen
Fresh biscuits or hot apple pie
And I'd spend all day long in the basement
Torturing rats with a hack-saw
And pulling the wings off of flies
Those were the good old days
Those were the good old days
The years go by but the memory stays
And those were the good old days
I can still remember good old Mr. Fender
Who ran the corner grocery store
Oh, he'd strolled down the aisle with a big friendly smile
And he'd say "Howdy" when you walked in the door
Always treated me nice, gave me kindly advice
I don't know why I set fire to his place
Oh I'll never forget the day I bashed in his head
Well you should've seen the look on his face
Let me tell ya now
Those were the good old days
Those were the good old days
The years go by but the memory stays
And those were the good old days
Do you remember sweet Michelle
She was my high school romance
She was fun to talk to and nice to smell
So I took her to the homecoming dance
Then I tied her to a chair and I shaved off all her hair
And I left her in the desert all alone
Well sometimes in my dreams
I can still hear the screams
Oh I wonder if she ever made it home
I tell ya
Those were the good old days
Those were the good old days
The years go by but the memory stays
And those were the good old days
Let me tell ya buddy
Those were the good old days
Those were the good old days
The years go by but the memory stays
Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you
Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest
Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good
Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky
I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more
I honestly can say you're an above-average lady
You're almost just what I've been looking for
You're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along
'Cause you're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
No, not really...but you're good enough for now
When we first met she seemed perfectly normal
I never dreamed she'd make my life so hard
You see, my baby, she started to change
Started lookin' kinda strange
Wearin' all that white makeup and those black leotards
Well, I guess she kept her little secret pretty well
Now, ever since I learned the horrible truth, you know my life has been a living hell
That's right, you see...
She never told me she was a mime
She never told me she was a mime, oh no
Actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time
She never told me, she never told me whe was a...
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mime
I wish we both could just talk it all over
But my baby won't even make a sound
Now she makes everybody sick
Doin' that pantomime shtick
Even our old friends have stopped coming around
Well, mmy parents can't stand her and our neighbors hate her guts
She's really, really embarrassing me... this silent treatment's driving me nuts
You see...
She never told me she was a mime
She never told me she was a mime, oh no
Now she's actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time... what a crime
She never told me (she never told me) she never told me she was a mime
She walks against the wind everywhere we go
Stops at every corner, gotta put on a show
Carries 'round a picture of Marcel Marceau
Always the wuiet type, but how was I know to know?
She never told me she was a mime
She never told me she was a mime, oh no
Actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the ti-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yime
Oh, Harvey, HarveyHarvey the Wonder HamsterHe doesn't bite and he doesn't squealHe just runs around on his hamster wheelHarvey, HarveyHarvey the Wonder HamsterHey, Harvey!
When we were young, Bernie's Deli was down the block
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
He made a great liver pate
(You know he did, you know he did, you know he did)
But if there's one thing in this world that I like better
Than a corned beef on rye
It's Chicken Pot Pie
Announcer: Next week on U62...
Announcer: He's back
Announcer: And this time
Announcer: He's mad
Announcer: Gandhi II
Announcer: No more mister passive resistance
Announcer: He's out to kick some butt
Announcer: This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with
Gandhi : Don't move, slimeball
Announcer: He's a one man recking crew
Announcer: But he also knows how to party
Gandhi : Gimme a steak, medium rare
Gangster : Hey, Baldy!
Announcer: There is only one law
Announcer: His law
Announcer: Gandhi II
Risin' above the city, blocking out the noonday sun
It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over everyone
I still remember when that delivery truck came down our block
What a lucky guy, I hear he got the last one in stock
And the neighbors are just green
They say, "That's the biggest screen we've ever seen!"
It's Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
Everbody come and see(Frank's 2000" TV)
Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
That's Frank's remote control, you can look, but don't touch it, please
'Cause Frank's the one in charge and he decides what everybody sees
The picture's crystal clear and everything is magnified
Robert DeNiro's mole has got to be ten feet wide
Everybody in the town
Can hear those 90,000 watts of Dolby sound
And I'm mighty proud to say
Now I can watch "The Simpsons" from thirty blocks away
On Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV)
Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV)
I'm gonna get one of my own real soon
It's like having a drive-in movie in your own living room
Whoa, hey now... hey now na na na now
Hey now... hey now na na now
Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000" TV)
Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
Got a two year warranty on parts and labor
Frank's 2000" TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
This is "weird Al" Yankovic fresh off my Alapalooza World Tour
When I'm not busy signing autographs
Fighting off mobs of beautiful women
Making gold albums
And counting my big pile of money
Everywhere, I see them there
I stop and stare at patterns
I don't care, I must declare
I've got a flair for patterns
On my hair, the clothes I wear
My savoir faire is patterns
All I see is patterns
The patterns that repeat
Let's go into the bathroom
I know we're in a room where you would not expect much math
Usually you're in here for a shower or a bath
But if you gaze upon the floor, and if you're kinda smart
You'll see the repetition is like geometric art
Wow, haha
Look
Everywhere, I see them there
I stop and stare at patterns
I don't care, I must declare
I've got a flair for patterns
On my hair, the clothes I wear
My savoir faire is patterns
All I see is patterns
The patterns that repeat
Hey!
A polkameister like myself never has to be bored
I just grab my ax and play some patterns on my keyboard
Now's the time for earplugs if you care about your health
So stand back, everybody, I'm gonna express myself
Look at this, patterns
I've got blisters on my fingers
Woo, hey, aw, get down
Yeah, help me, somebody, woo
Still there? Okay
Next time you find yourself at an exciting polka party
You can make some patterns with your feet and with your body
If you don't know the steps yet, here's the gang with all the answers
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing, the "Weird Al" Polka Dancers
Here they are
Everywhere, we see them there
We stop and stare at patterns
We don't care, we must declare
We've got a flair for patterns
On our hair, the clothes we wear
Our savoir faire is patterns
All we see is patterns
The patterns that repeat
Wallpaper, skyscrapers, funny papers, patterns
Evergreens, nouvelle cuisine, human beings, patterns
Garden rakes, wedding cakes, rattlesnakes, patterns
Golden wheat, little feet, my heartbeat
I gotta stop
Now, let me tell you 'bout the school cafeteria
It's got all the others beat
It sells over four million burgers a year
Just think, that's almost two pounds of meat
My ice cream sandwich is lukewarm
But my burrito is much too cold
You know a school cafeteria is the only place
That sells artificially colored mold
You know a school cafeteria believes in mass production
They buy those lousy soy beans by the keg
I don't like to complain, but in a school cafeteria
You can buy a taco and get Bubonic Plague
Today in the school cafeteria
They introduced a brand new malt
It's called boysenberry dysentery
Please pass the salt
The tunafish sandwiches'll make you ill
The enchiladas are enough to kill
Before you eat, you'd better make out your will
In the school cafeteria today
After sixty-three years in the business
Our cook still hasn't got The Knack
And all the food in the school cafeteria
Comes from CARE packages that were sent back
Feel your arteries growing hard
As you eat another healthy spoonful of lard
It's no wonder that the food is so gross
The health department is afraid to come close
So everybody better hold your nose
In the school cafeteria today
So listen very closely, all you girls and guys
Here's a little message to the wise
You'd better not try the chili surprise
In the school cafeteria today, oh yeah
Is it on? Okay
1, 2, 1, 2, 5, 6
Let me tell you 'bout the school cafeteria
It's got all the others beat
It sells over four million burgers a year
Just think, that's almost two pounds of meat
My ice cream sandwich is lukewarm
But my burrito is much too cold
A school cafeteria is the only place
That sells artificially colored mold
You know a school cafeteria believes in mass production
They buy those lousy soy beans by the keg
I don't like to complain, but in a school cafeteria
You can get a taco and get Bubonic Plague
Today in the school cafeteria
They introduced a brand new malt
It's called boysenberry dysentery
Please pass the salt
The tunafish sandwiches'll make you ill
The enchiladas are enough to kill
Before you eat, you'd better make out your will
In the school cafeteria today
Say, boys and girls, tired of being skinny
Eat a school lunch today
All starch and cholesterol
Absolutely no protein
Remember, fourteen million teenagers can't be wrong
Feel your arteries growing hard
As you eat another healthy spoonful of lard
It's no wonder that the food is so gross
The health department is afraid to come close
So everybody better hold your nose
In the school cafeteria today
So listen very closely, all you girls and guys
Here's a little message to the wise
You'd better not try the chili surprise
In the school cafeteria today, oh yeah
Sometimes you feel like a nut
Sometimes you don't
Peter Paul Almond Joy's got nuts
I'm never satisfied with three meals a day
While the world is sleeping I'll be munching away
Gonna sneak into the kitchen, gonna tiptoe down and turn on the light
Right, yeah, if no one's around to see you
It don't matter if you snack all night
A million chicken bones are under my bed
A pile of Twinkie wrappers all 'round my head
Jelly doughnuts to the left of me
Got a bag of chocolate chips on the right
Right, yeah, if you don't mind the calories
I'd like to do some more songs about buildings and food
This is a song about liver, very high in protein, very good for ya
Hope you like it
I don't know why
You feed me so bad
Think of all the health food
I could've had
You took-a my yogurt
And my whole wheat bread
You give me Ding Dongs
And Twinkies instead
I wanna know
Can you tell me
When is it going to end
Take me to the liver
Push it on my platter
Give me a piece of liver
Oh, drop it on my platter
Scarfin' it down
Someday I'm gonna pack up
And then I'm goin' back up
To that place where sentimental feelings arouse
Where the grass is so green
And the air is so clean
That when the wind is right you can even smell the cows
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today
If you're new in town
Then you'll wanna look around
But you don't know where to begin
Well, there's Bubble Gum Alley
And the local car rally
Not to mention the toilets at Madonna Inn
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today
It's not much of a hassle
To drive up to Hearst's Castle
And it's not too far from Pismo Beach or Morro Rock
You can visit downtown at your leisure
Because for your shopping pleasure
The stores never close down until five o'clock
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
To that city today
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
Where time shifts into neutral
And idles away
Take me down (take me down)
To that good old SLO town
I've got to get back
Since you've been gone
Well I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod-liver oil
Well, I'm feeling like I stuck my hand inside a blender and turned it on
You know I've been in a bundle of pain
Since you've been gone
(Well, since you've been gone, since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel worse if you dropped a 2 ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved a red hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm gettin' tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I got an ice cream panic that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here
[parody of "don't you (forget about me)" by simple minds]
Hey! oooh!oh!
One rule you all should obey:
Eat from the four basic food groups everyday.
Have bread, and vegetables too,
Some dairy products, but whatever you do
Don't you forget about meat.
Don't, don't, don't, don't,
Don't you forget about meat.
(one, two, thray, four)
(one, two
I used to be a pinball freak
That's where you'd find me every week
But now it's Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman
I love to gobble up those dots
Keep pumpin' quarters in the slots
They call it Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman
At the game arcade, they say I'm hard core
I can play all day 'til my hands are sore
And I quit my job just to play some more
But I won't give up 'til I break high score
Pacman
Well it's the Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman
Well it takes a lot of cash to play
(Pacman, get the cherry)
So I'm gonna sell my house today
(Pacman, eat 'em up)
I'm playin' Pacman
Yeah it's the Pac-ma-an
Hey mom, I won't be home this year
(Pacman)
Please forward all my mail right here
(Pacman)
I'm at the Pacman
Yeah it's the Pacman
And you're playing with no one but me
Oh, I've really got those ozone layer blues
From my elbow down to my shoes
So let's throw another fire on the logs
Now we can go downtown and fill the latrine
With genuine Columbian lima beans
Dynastic and elastic, it's all made out of plastic
There's nobody here but us frogs
I'd like to find a girl who really cares
About the size of my nasal hairs
She could feed bananas to the dogs
We could climb the church and look down from the steeple
Where all the ants look like people
Nutritious and delicious, it's even surreptitious
There's nobody here but us frogs
They say I'm crazy
But I couldn't care less
Why don't they leave me alone
Can't they see that I'm happy to be a psychiatrical mess
I get a thrill
Bein' mentally ill, yes I do
They seem to think it's a crime
But it's a pleasure sublime, oh yes
That's why I'm happy here inside these padded walls
Makin' obscene telephone calls
And throwin' TV dinners to the hogs
I never trust a naked Eskimo
And don't you eat that purple snow
Revolting and disgusting
My belly button's rusting
There's nobody here but us frogs
They say I'm crazy
But I couldn't care less
Why don't they leave me alone
Can't they see that I'm happy to be a psychiatrical mess
I get a thrill
Bein' mentally ill, yes I do
They seem to think it's a crime
But it's a pleasure sublime, oh yes
That's why I'm happy here inside these padded walls
Makin' obscene telephone calls
And throwin' TV dinners to the hogs
I like to eat my ice cubes boiling hot
And Wilshire Boulevard's a Commie plot
Amazingly congruent, and commonly affluent
Innately effervescent, surprisingly incessant
Superblier commended, eccentric and demented
There's nobody here but us
Nobody here but us
Nobody here but us frogs, I mean it
Nobody here but us frogs
Yeah
A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay
My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay
Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay
I'll buy ... your knick-knack
Just check ... my feedback
'A++!' they all say
They love me on eBay
Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay
I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, what erev'll please
As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy ... your tchotchkes
Sell me ... your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...)
I'm highest bidder now
(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
(Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case on vintage tube socks)
Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)
What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
Put down your remote control
Throw out your TV Guide
Put away your jacket
There's no need to go outside
Don't you know that we control the horizontal
We control the verticle, too
We gonna make a couch potato out of you
That's what we gonna do now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink
You better put away your homework
Prime time ain't no time to think
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner
Press your face right up against the screen
We gonna show you thangs you ain't ever seen
If you know what I mean, now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
You can watch us all day
You can watch us all night
You can watch us any time that you please
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
'Till your brain turns into cottage cheese
Well, now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all (we got it all) on UHF (we got it)
(We got it) we got (we got it) it all (we got it) on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (we got it all)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all (we got it all) on UHF (on UHF)
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all (we got it all) on UHF (we go it)
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
We got it all on UHF (UHF)
My life, it used to be incomplete
'Till I saw what I was looking for at a drive-in swap meet
My life it won't be the same again
Now I'm proud to say the king lives on inside my den
Oh, it's all I live for, it's all I need
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis means the world to me
Although he may not be worth much dough
He means much more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh
Check out those sideburns, there's nothing greater
You can tell that he's no velvet Elvis imitator
Oh, it's all I live for, it's all I need
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
Oh, now you can't you see
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis means the world to me
In my own private Graceland
In my own little shrine to the king
I don't want nothin' else
No, I don't need anything
Don't need no lava lamp
Don't need no soap on a rope
No pictures of Mexican kids with those really big eyes
Or dogs playing poker
When I'm at home watching my TV
I know the king is always looking down on me
He looks so handsome, he stands so tall
So glad he's big enough to cover up that hole in the wall
(Velvet Elvis) He's so fuzzy
(Velvet Elvis) He's so great
(Velvet Elvis) Never ages
(Velvet Elvis) Never puts on weight
(Velvet Elvis) Look at those rhinestones
(Velvet Elvis) He's just so fine
(Velvet Elvis) You can look but don't touch now
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
Let's get it started (ha)
Let's get it started in here
And the base keeps runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'
I say don't you know
You say you don't go
I say... take me out!
I say you don't show
Don't move, time is slow
I say
take me out!
Beverly Hills - That's where I want to be! (gimme, gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills
Beverly Hills - Rolling like a celebrity! (gimme, gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on
Alright...
Feel good
Feel good
Feel good
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Dont cha?
Dont cha?
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Dont cha?
Dont cha? Dont cha? Dont cha?
Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looked like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
Well, I've got potential
A rushin' and rushin' around
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollypop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
We'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)
Boy one taste of what we got (un'huh)
We'll have you spending all you got (come on)
Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah)
When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
When the pigs try to get at ya
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up?
All the gal pon the dancefloor wantin' some more what
Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up?
Hey Mr.
Please Mr. DJ
Tell me if you hear me
Turn the music up!
She take my money (she take my money)
When I'm in need (when I'm in need)
Yea she's a triflin' friend indeed (friend indeed)
Oh she's a gold digga way over town (way over town)
That digs on me
Hey! Hey!
Now I aint sayin she's a gold digger
But she aint messin wit' no broke broke
Now I aint sayin she's a gold digger
But she ain't messin wit' no broke broke
Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl, go head
But I ain't sayin' she's a
Gold gold digger (gold gold)
Gold gold digger (gold gold)
Gold gold digger (gold gold)
"i saw titanic
that big buget chick flick
i admit it wasnt that dumb
when the film was over
and i went to stand up
thats when i learned my butt was numb
three hours
my legs have lost power
i believe that this movies too long
a watery grave
when it was done i had to shave
i was stuck in this film and
this film just goes on and on
the movies getting sadder
as theres getting discomfort in my bladder
all of this talk of water isn't good
the captains brave and deadpan
when i need a bedpan
i've had three cokes thats more than i should
jack says that he loves rose
so she takes off her clothes
thats ok its PG13
i guess its not a factor
that Leos a lousy ac-tor
his talents are the focus of that scene
u catch my drift?
kate went sled
for an oscar was nominated
just becuz her clothes didnt stay on
kates a hoe for di-cap-rio
theres no morals in this movie
and this film goes on and on
get my gun its suddenly beyond
her dang song makes this movie too long
she wails she shrieks
my ears ring for weeks
her songs just like the movie they both just go on and on
im king of the world and its fun! hahaha!"
I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt
Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice
Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear
I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is ...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you'd like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in
Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier
You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet
Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is ...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too
I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh
I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?
There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To desribe how smooth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"
My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face
Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause, baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom
Because I ...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love
Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,
back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my
mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an
oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S
GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my
mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half
years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that
basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels
are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles
all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for
a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream
came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this
contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in
Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand
prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta
tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of
Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with
Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'
wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed
glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous
Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can
eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're
clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned
on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate
mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's
a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,
it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and
only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and
I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a
snorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear
and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave
a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in
the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty
seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?
I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I
made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would
not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to
justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I
drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the
counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out
and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You
know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em
off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my
face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like
a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly
when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a
caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of
strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to
me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece
of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got
married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,
Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie
pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!
Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again
but that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week
later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a
part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I
put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty
jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty
tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to
him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And
Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you
to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just
being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know
that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got
a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to
me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out
of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all
over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps
rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of
the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of
saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,
if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential
quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and
isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take
a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*
heh heh heh heh
Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
We wanna give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
About a dangerous, insidious computer virus
If you should get it, an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese'
Better off protecting your chances
Under no circumstances, should you open it
Or else it will
Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record "Gigli"
Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling
Look out!
It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
Look out!
Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
Look out!
Erase your hard drive and your backups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then, it will tie up your phone, making prank long-distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie,
Legally change your name to Reggie,
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool
Look out!
It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
Look out!
And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
Look out!
And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
Look out!
And make you physically attracted to sheep
Look out!
Steal your identity and your credit card
Look out!
Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
Look out!
Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right it's a
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely; rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were alive!
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know!
Hit send right now!
It took a lifetime, but I finally found
The perfect waffle recipe
You'll never find a batter any better in this whole stinkin' town
One little bite and I'm sure that you'll agree
Your eyes roll back and your knees get weak
Aw, you're gonna lick your plate clean
People come from miles around just to study my technique
I make the best darn waffles this world has ever seen
I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King)... yeah
Waffle King (Waffle King)
That's what they call me
Waffle King (Waffle King)
Hey, I'm the Waffle King
Everywhere I go, the people cheer
I never have to wait in line
People say, "Right this way, sir... Your money's no good here.'
Some day I betcha they'll build me a shrine
And everybody say, "Well, I'm your biggest fan!"
"I seen your picture in People Magazine!"
Folks come from around the world just to shake my hand
If you don't believe in the power of the waffle lemme show you just what I mean
I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King)
Make you want to scream and shout
Waffle King (Waffle King)
That's my name, don't wear it out
Waffle King (Waffle King)
Make no mistake about it I'm the Waffle King... yeah
Roll out the red carpet, 'cause here I come
All you peons better scram
Out of my way, you worthless piece of scum
Don't you know who I am?
Hey!
I wanna see you grovel, you waffle-eatin' fools
Everybody, on your knees
You wanna buy a waffle, you're playin' by my rules
Go on, beg me... lemme hear you say "pretty please"
Can't you tell the universe revolves around me?
Don't you know you suckers owe me everything?
And can't you see that I'm the highest form of life that there could ever be?
Everybody all around the world, stand up and sing
Come on know...
Waffle King
Hey, batter batter
Waffle King
Hot on your platter
Waffle King
Say, what's the matter
Don't you know who I am?
Don't you know who I am?
Tell 'em, girls
(He's the Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Waffle King)
Yeah yeah
(He's the Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Waffle King)
Tell the truth now
(He's the Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa Waffle King)
Don't you know who I am?
I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report
About some devistating earthquake in Peru
There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive
On the Richter scale it measured 8.2
And I said, "God, please answer me one question?"
"Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head
And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba
Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face)
Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again)
Oh, tell me
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen to me?
(Why does this always happen to me?)
Why does this always happen to me?
(Why does this always happen to me?)
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
where it bubbles all the time
like a giant carbonated soda,
S O D A, soda.
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log.
I asked him his name
and in a raspy voice he said Yoda,
Y O D A, Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.
Well, I've been around but I ain't never seen
a guy who looks like a Muppet
but he's wrinkled and green,
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
how he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
oh my Yoda.
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well, I left home just a week before,
and I've never ever met a Jedi before
but Obi-Wan set me straight of course,
He said, 'Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force.'
Well, I'm not the kind that'll argue with Ben
So it looks I'm gonna start all over again
with my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
So I used the force,
I picked up a box,
I lifted some rocks,
While I stood on my head,
Well I won't forget what Yoda said.
He said 'Luke, stay away from the darker side,
and if you start to go astray let the Force be your guide.'
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.
'I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed.
But, remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed'
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
so I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess.
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part till I'm old and grey.
The Long-term contract I had to sign
says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
with my Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Yoda
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
(continue to fade...)
Let me tell you sonny... let me tell you straight
You kids today ain't never had it tough
Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate
You lazy brats think nothing's good enough
Well, nobody ever drove me to school when it was ninety degrees below
We had to walk buck naked through forty miles of snow
Worked in the coal mines twenty two hours a day for just half a cent
Had to sell me internal organs just to pay the rent
When I was your age. When I was your age
When I was your age. When I was your age
Let me tell you something, you whiny little snot
There's something wrong with all you kids today
You just don't appreciate all the things you've got
We were hungry, broken and miserable and we liked it fine that way
There were seventy three of us living in a cardboard box
All I got for Christmas was a lousy bag of rocks
Every night for dinner, we had a big 'ol chunk of dirt
If we were really good, we didn't get dessert
When I was your age. When I was your age
When I was your age. When I was your age
Didn't have no telephone, didn't have no FAX machine
All we had was a couple cans and a crummy piece of string
Didn't have no swimming pool when I was just a lad
Our neighbor's mseptic tank was the closest thing we had
Didn't have no dental floss, had to use old rusty nails
Didn't have Nintendo, we just poured salt on snails
Didn't have no water bed, had to sleep on broken glass
Didn't have no lawnmower, we used our teeth to cut the grass
What's the matter now, sonny, you say you don't believe this junk?
You think my story's wearin' kinda thin?
I tell you one thing, I never was such a disrespectful punk
Back in my time, we had a thing called discipline
Dad would whoop us every night till a quarter after twelve
Then he'd get too tired and he'd make us whoop ourselves
Then he'd chop me into pieces and play frisbee with my brain
And let me tell ya, Junior, you never heard me complain
When I was your age. When I was your age
Rice, rice baby
Rice, rice baby
Alright stop, grab a table and a menu
Ice is back in this Oriental venue
Hungry, for a little Chop Sui
I want Chinese, not Hong Kong fui
You know what you want
Yo, cant decide
Column A, Column B
I like fried
Barbeque spare ribs
My fingers Im lickin'
Waitin' for the Main Course
Kung Pow Chicken
Spicy
I mean hot like a stir fry
If you cant take it
Order moo goo guy
Pan
Means chicken and mushroom
And while your on the soup
The food is here to soon
No substitute and betcha get hot tea
But you get
They say vegetable
But that means snow pea
If I get dessert
Yo, I deserve it
Check out the chow while the waiter serves it
Rice, rice baby, Vanilla
Rice, rice baby, Vanilla
Your eating sweat and sour
But you will be hungry in less then an hour
Use chop sticks it dont, it dont matter
Fingers were made for a poo-poo platter
Egg rolling
With eggfoo young
My dinner is cooking like Connie Chung
Noodles on standby
Chow Mien nearby
Egg drop
No Im a Wonton soup guy
Soy sauce
Hot mustard smokin
My plate is clean
And my Fortune Cookie broken
Bustin a bite of Mongolian beef
Get a mint toothpick for my teeth
Takeout leftover low mien
If I eat any more I'll have a weight gain
If I get dessert
Yo, I deserve
Check out the chow while the waiter serves it
Rice, rice baby, Vanilla
Rice, rice baby, Vanilla
Rice
Yo man lets get out of here
Tip to the waitress
Rice, rice baby to go
Rice, rice baby to go
There's just one place to go for all of your spatula needs
Spatula City
Spatula City
A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.
Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color.
And because we eliminate the middle man, we can sell all our spatulas factory direct to you.
Where do you go if you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost?
Spatula City
Spatula City
And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.
Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth one for just one penny.
Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.
And what better way to say "I love you." than with the gift of a spatula?
Spatula City
Spatula City
Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City.
I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company.
Spatula City - seven locations; we're in the yellow pages under "spatulas".
My, where did you get that lovely spatula?
(Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope)
(R2-D2)
Her name was Leia, she was a princess,
with a danish on each ear, and Darth Vader drawing near
so R2-D2 found Ben Kenobi, (Obi-Wan)
He'd have to put the Death Star plans into the Rebellions hands,
So Luke and Obi-Wan had to get to Alderaan
So they stopped into Mos Eisly to have a drink with Han
At the Star Wars, Star Wars cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena
Here at the Star Wars, Star Wars cantina,
music and blasters and old Jedi masters
at the Star Wars.
Oona Koota Solo?
His name was Solo (Han solo), he was a pilot
with a blaster at his side and a smile twelve parsecs wide,
there with Chewbacca, he was a Wookie,
They met with Luke and Obi-Wan about the Millennium Falcon,
docking bay ninety four(ninety four), stormtroopers at the door
With a flash of Bens lightsaber, now there's an arm on the floor
At the Star Wars, Star Wars cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena
Here at the Star Wars, Star Wars cantina,
music and blasters and old Jedi masters
at the Star Wars. (Mos Eisly Spaceport, you will never
find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy,
we must be cautious)
His name was Yoda, he was a muppet.
Darth Vader was so bad and by the way he's Luke's dad,
Luke kissed his sister, his hand got cut off
In that galaxy far far away, Luke has had a lousy day,
Boba Fett was so mean, Jabba had bad hygiene,
Why didn't they all just relax, back on Tatooine
At the Star Wars, Star Wars cantina
The weirdest creatures you've ever seena
Here at the Star Wars, Star Wars cantina,
music and blasters and old Jedi masters
at the Star Wars. (The Force will be with you…always)
The Star Wars.
The Star Wars cantina
The Star Wars.
The Star Wars cantina
DId you ever think when you eat chinese
It ain't pork or chicken but a fat siamese?
Yet the food tastes great so you don't complain
But that's not chicken in your chicken chow mein
Seems to me I ordered sweet and sour pork
But Garfield's on my fork
He's purrin' here on my fork
There's a cat in the kettle at the Peking Moon
The place that I eat every day at noon
They can feed you cat and you'll never know
Once they wrap it up in dough boys
They fry it real crisp in dough.
Chow Lin asked if I wanted more
As he was diallin' up his buddy at the old pet store
I said "Not today, I lost my appetite"
There's two cats in my belly and they want to fight.
I was suckin on a roll-aid and a tums or two
When I swear I heard it mew boy
And that is when I knew
There's a cat in the kettle at the Peking Moon
I think I gotta stop eating there at noon
They say that it's beef or fish or pork
But it's purrin there on my fork
Well....
Me and my buddies got us some beer and a great big bottle of Rhine
and boxes of ammo and guns to go with’em
and good old Charley’s glass eye
well we look around till we see all the nature
so cond and so serene
but not for long cause we are gonna use guns that make furry animals Sceme!
(Chorus)
cause were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors kids!
were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors kids!
Well off we go
our guns are loaded
and so are we
we weave through the bushes
and falls on our face
and piss on the nice tree
and then we spot some’n
moving and a rustling
we pop it full of lead
and then we smile real wide
until we hear it scream
and thud it falls down dead
(Chorus)
cause were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors kids!
were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors kids!
Well off we go to see what we killed
and to watch the damn thing bleed
and the first thing we see is a bright orange cap
and we shot down old Charlie
but note to mind he smiled with a time
he died real high pee
but next time he should tell us when he is going off to take a pee
(Chorus)
cause were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors KIDS!
were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors kids!
Well the sunny goes down
and we head back to town
and a hop in our pick up truck
drop Charlie in the hood
and stir up the engine
try to get home with any luck
well what do you know
we run into a pole
but were all still one in piece
we get a free ride back into town
in the seat of the police
(Chorus)
CAUSE...... WERE......go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors KIDS!
were go’n hunt’n
were gonna kill some’n
I don’t care what it is
maybe a racoon, maybe a goffer, or maybe the neighbors kids!
YA HOOOOOOO!
WOPIEEEE!
The problems hidding in a cave across the sea.
The answer is easy if you take lagicly
He'll never stop in our struggle to be free
Their must be 50 ways to get Bin Laden
The president just put a bounty on his head
He doesn't care if he's alive or if he's dead
We'll send camandoes there to pump him full of lead
Their must be 50 wais to get Bin Laden
50 ways to get Bin Laden
You just stab him in the back Jack
Blow up the cave Dave
Step in his veil Dail
Just listen to me
Hit him with a bus Gus
Then hit him in the gut bud
Just hang him from a tree Lee
So we can stand free
It well not greeve us here to see him in such pain
We have to stop him cuz he's totally insane
He's gonna end up with a bullet in the brian
There must be 50 ways to get Bin Laden
He thought the U.S. would give up with out a fight
Now he's gonna face the full force of our might
We'll show Osama what is wrong and what is right
There must be 50 way to get Bin Laden
50 ways to get Bin Laden
You just stab him in the back Jack
Blow up the cave Dave
Step in his veil Dail
Just listen to me
Hit him with a bus Gus
Then hit him in the gut bud
Just hang him from a tree Lee
So we can stand free
You just stab him in the back Jack
Blow up the cave Dave
Step in his veil Dail
Just listen to me
Hit him with a bus Gus
Then hit him in the gut bud
Just hang him from a tree Lee
So we can stand free
The Aardvark is really a curious creature
If you're an ant then he's likely to eat ya
Although his long nose makes him look rather hideous
He's still listed first in the encyclopedias
We all used to call him Jimmy the Geek
He was a dumb-lookin', scrawny, little four-eyed freak
He never used to hang around with the guys
He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies
He wasn't much to look at
He never was very bright
but at least there was one thing that he could do all right
That boy could dance
He was kind of a jerk
He was kind of a bore
but the women would scream when he walked in the door
'cause one thing I could tell you for sure
That boy could dance
Picking teams, he would always be last
He couldn't run very far,
He couldn't think very fast
If he was on your side, you'd always lose
the guy had a problem, even tying his shoes
He never passed his drivers test
He was always afraid of cars
and he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars
but that boy could dance
Well, his hair was a mess
and his clothes didn't fit
He smelled pretty bad, and he drooled just a bit
but you gotta admit
boy, that boy could dance
Now that boy is much older
he's got his own dance studio
He's got a teeny bopper fan club
yeah, he's got his own TV show
now he owns half of Montana
they all call him "Diamond Jim"
and you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him
'cause that boy could dance
Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening
And you're stuck inside the house all alone
That's when you decide it might be fun to harrass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from
They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet
Listen to me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to
I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast
Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin' for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan
He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning
Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughin' when they're tracin his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me
Don't go makin' phoney calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?
Come on
Moe's Taverne - Where the elite meet to drink.
Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name Rotch.
Hold on; I'll check.
My crotch! My crotch! Hey, has anybody seen my crotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke.
One of these days, I'm gonna catch you
And I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an icepick!
Don't go makin' phoney calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
You went through the New Yourk City phone book and prank-called 'em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
Grow out of this fast...
Don't go makin' phoney calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
But you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall
In his eyes,
I´m full grown
29 and still at home
Raid the fridge
Feed my face
I´m a sun thats a disgrace
Living free
Don´t pay rent
Brought the car back with a dent
I´m asleep
counting sheep
thought I heard him scream again
Asshole sun, your a bum
You trashed the car again
Asshole sun, what a bum, what a bum
Asshole sun, mow the lawn
And put your cloths away
Asshole sun, what a bum, what a bum
(Asshole sun, Asshole sun)
What a bum
(Asshole sun, Asshole sun)
What a bum
(Asshole sun, Asshole sun)
They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago
They looked so sweet and harmless
Tell me, how was I to know
They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise
They grew to forty thousand times their original size
They started mutatin' right before my eyes
Oh my
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
A race from a distant place
They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars
Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
The president, he's is a panic
The pentagon, they're in shock
There's a team of research scientists They got 'em workin' 'round the clock
Now the National Guard is out in my back yard
And the Marines'll be comin' around
I hope they get this lousy rodents out of my town
'Cause the property values are goin' way down now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anayway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
What a racquet they're makin', Jack
They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars
Listen to 'em squeal
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Hey Jack, you better watch your back
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars
Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars
A planet near Mars
I got my alligator boots I wear my pants skin tight
I wear my dark sunglasses in the middle of the night
And when I look in the mirror I'm-a such an awesome sight
It makes me wanna kneel down and pray
I'm so adorable and charming I'm sure that you can see
And everyone's always trying to hang around with me
They tell me I'm the greatest and it's hard to disagree
'Cause I'm so perfect in every way
And I'm so cute, I can hardly stand it
And I'm so handsome honey I could just die
I know you'll never be as wonderful as me but at least you can try
'Cause I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
Baby are you in the mood for a little romance?
Well for starters I can pour some chocolate pudding down your pants
And then attach electrodes to your brain and watch you dance
Oh, golly wouldn't that be fun?
Oh and then I might decide to tie you up with dental floss
I'll make you wear a harness and I'll show you who's the boss
Of course if you refuse, well honey it's your loss
I mean, I don't do this with just anyone
So baby, how can you say it's all over?
So how can you tell me goodbye?
So now you tell me that you're leaving me for good
And all I wanna know is why?
I mean after all
I'm really such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I mean you could do worse!
I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
My whole family
Loves "Three's Company"
See the reruns constantly
There on my TV
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what too see
Got my TV Guide with me
"MASH" and "All In The Family"
"The Munsters" and "Mayberry R.F.D."
I will always be busy
Watching my TV
Oprah Winfrey talks to me
Every day at three
Then soon it'll be
"Wheel" and "Jeopardy"
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I'm in such ecstacy
When I'm watchin' TV
I'm a boob tube devotee
Think I'm losin' my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV
Love "The Partridge Family"
And "Dynasty"
And "Laverne & Shirley"
And "Hard Copy"
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
("MASH" and "All In The Family") (I know just what too see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Forever I will always be) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Watching my TV) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Think I'm losin' my sanity) (I know just what to see)
Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted
The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted
'Cause it's one of those days, it's just one of those days
I lost one of my socks in the drier
I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire
Just one of those days, it's just one of those days
I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree
A big swarm of locusts is following me
There's not even anything good on TV
It's just one of those day, it's just one of those days
Left all my Beatles records out in the sun
Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue
It's just one of those days, gonna be one of those days
The nazis tied me up and covered me with ants
And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants
Just one of those days, ever have one of those days
The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone
It's just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days
The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, should've known
It's just one of those days, it's just one of those days
A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater-tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days
Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days
Then late at night, just before I go to bed
The world blows up and now everybody's dead
You just can't deny it, it's just like I said
Just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days)
It's just one of those days
Woh oh
I want a new duck
One that won't try to bite
One that won't chew a hole in my socks
One that won't quack all night
I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat
One that won't raid the ice box
One that'll stay in shape
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape
I want a new duck
A mallard I think
One that won't make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink
I want a new duck
One that won't steal my beer
One that won't stick his bill in my mail
One that knows the duck stops here
One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown
And show me how to get down
How to get down baby
Get it?
*****
*****
*** ****
****
*** ***
I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce
I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won't molt to much
One that won't smell too fowl
One that won't beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He'd better mind his manners
Better do just what I say
Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah
*****
***** (*** ** **)
****
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
Couldn't think of any lyrics
No I never wrote the lyrics
So I'll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child
You really need words
Whole lotta rhyming words
You gotta rhyme so many words, mm-mm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it, to do it right, child
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
I know that you're probably sore
'Cause I didn't write any more
I just didn't get to complete it
So that's why I gotta repeat it
This song is just six words long (six words long)
This song is just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton of money
They're payin' me plenty of money
To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh, how will I fill so much time, mm-mm
I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo
A solo, a solo here
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song's got nothin' to say
But I'm recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhyme here
Oh, you gotta have-a music
You need really catchy music
This song has got plenty of music
But just six words, child
And so I'll sing' em over
And over and over and over
And over and over and over, mm-mm
And over and over and over
And over and over and over again
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
This song is just six words long
It's just six words long
Oooh oooh oooh ee-oooh oooh oooh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh-oooh oooh
Oooooh
I'm always thinkin' 'bout it
I don't know what I'd do without it
I love, I really love
My pancreas
My spleen just doesn't matter
Don't really care about my bladder
But I don't leave home without
My pancreas
My pancreas is always
There for me
Ahh-oooh
Secreting those enzymes (bap bap bap)
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates
Just for me
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ooooooh
My pancreas attracts every other
Pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional
To the product of their masses
And inversely proportional
To the distance between them
Woo woo woo woo
Don'tcha you know you gotta
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Won'tcha
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow, flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenium)
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Beverly
Beverly Hillbillies
Huh, now lookie here people
Listen to my story
A little story 'bout a man named Jed
You know something?
That poor mountaineer
They say he barely kept his family fed
Now, let me tell you
One day he was shootin'
Old Jed was shootin' at some food
When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there
Well, there came a bubblin' crude
Oil that is Well, maybe you call it black gold or Texas tea
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale And be a Beverly hillbilly...
Before you know it, all the kinfolk are-a-sayin'
Yeah, buddie, move away from there
That little Clampet got his own cement pond
That little Clampet, he's a millionaire
Now, everyone said Californie
Is the place that you oughta be
We got to load up this here truck now
We got to move to Beverly
Hills, that is
Swimming pools
Move-a-move-a-movie stars
Lookit that, lookit that
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin
(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back again
(Germs) I can't even see'em,
but I know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been!
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get'em offa me
I'm covered with... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with... microscopic bacteria
Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque
(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more comin' every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get'em offa me
I'm covered with... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with... microscopic bacteria
They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in every drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got'em way up my nose
In every orifice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See??
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get'em offa me
I'm covered with... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with... microscopic bacteria
They're all over me
I can feel'em all over me
Over every part of me
Microscopic bacteria
I know they're watching me
They're always watching me
They're coming after me
Microscopic bacteria
Won't somebody help
Please sombody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me
They wanna control me
They wanna destroy me
They're tryin' to kill me
Had ourselves a little barbeque
Corn on the cob and mashed potatoes too
Joe got the Fritos, Ernie got the stew
So what did you bring
We got the beef
We got the beef
We got the beef
Yeah, we got it
(We got the beef)
Now, everybody get on your feet (we got the beef)
Grab a hunk of ??? beef (we got the beef)
Chuck daddy (we got the beef)
Now, ground round by the pound
We got the beef (we got the beef)
We got the beef (we got the beef, we got the beef)
We got the beef (we got the beef, we got the)
It feels like I've been alone too long,
With no girls around my mind
Was wondering.
Thinking of some way,
to release it.
I looked in the kitchen,
Saw some Crisco Oil,
And that's when my blood started to boil,
Ooooooh yeah.
Ow, Ow, Ow!
(Uh oh!)
Ow, ow, ow!
(Oh God! What did I just do?)
No one wanted to be with me,
Had to make my dream come true,
I wanted to hump something,
I didn't know what to do.
It seemed like a good idea,
And no one else was around,
I stuck my weenie in a bottle,
And now I can't get it out!
Stuck my weenie in a bottle today,
Gonna shove it up there all the way.
I stuck my weenie in a bottle,
Oh no,
Can, can, someone come help me out?
It's turning purple,
All the feelings gone,
Now where did I put that friggin' phone?
Dialing 9-1-1!
Please pick up!
I'm in a lot of pain!
This was supposed to feel good,
Now I'm suffering,
Oh, please answer!
Denver 911, what is your emergency?
Ow, Ow, ow!
Hello?
Ow, ow, ow!
Sir, what seems to be the problem?
No one wanted to be with me,
Had to make my dream come true,
I wanted to hump something,
I didn't know what to do.
Go on!
It seemed like a good idea,
And no one else was around,
I stuck my weenie in a bottle,
And now I can't get it out!
You stuck your weenie in a bottle,
Oh my!
You must feel really lonley, guy.
You stuck your weenie in a bottle,
That's a first!
Don't worry sir,
We're sending somebody out!
Hey Pam, this guy's got his weenie stuck in a bottle!
No way!
He does!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Wait, wait...
Sir, we're sending somebody out.
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!
He's in here,
Let's break the door down!
They break the door down.
Oh my God!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
No one wanted to be with him,
Had to make his dream come true,
He wanted to hump something!
I didn't know what to do!
It seemed like a good idea,
And no one else was around,
He stuck his weenie in a bottle--
And now I can't get it out!
Ok kid, relax
We're going to get this thing off of ya!
OK, get ready,
PULL!
OWWWW!!
Stuck my weenie in a bottle today,
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes Virginia, Now Santa Clause is dead Some guy
from the swat team blew a hole through his head
Yes little friend now, thats his brains on the floor,
I guess they wont have the fat guy kicking around anymore
But now there's no more presents for children's enjoyment
And the Elves have to wait in the line and file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was sick of gettin' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wanna go for a ride?
Sure Ken!
Well forget it!
I'm an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl
Said I have it, I should bag it!
Acne everywhere, unwanted facial hair!
I'm a relation to Frankinstein's creation!
Your so ugly,
You disgust me!
I'm a sad,
Homely girl,
All alone in the world
I'm as flat as board
Thin and lengthy
You're a doll
Get a troll
Were you hit by a train?
Don't come near me
'Cause your breath is stanky!
Don't get touched!
I'm afraid!
'Cause guys say,
I'm an eye sore!
I'm an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl
Said I have it, I should bag it!
Acne everywhere, unwanted facial hair!
I'm a relation to Frankinstein's creation!
You're so ugly,
You disgust me!
Boo hoo, hoo, yeah!
You're so ugly,
You disgust me!
Boo hoo, boo hoo!
Oh let's go out and have some fun!
I'm sorry,
But you're too damn ugly!
Oh, screw you, Ken!
Acne everywhere,
Unwanted facial hair,
I'm a relation to Frankinstein's creation!
You're so ugly,
You disgust me!
Boo, hoo, hoo, yeah!
You're so ugly,
You disgust me!
Boo hoo!
Boo hoo!
Oh let's go out and have some fun!
I'm sorry,
But you're too damn ugly!
You don't take your showers
You don't use Ban Roll On
Please don't come near me anymore
I'll throw up on the floor because you make me ill
I remember when
You used to smell half-decent
That hasn't been too recent
Now your repulsing all the people you know
You perspire freely, your dandruff's like snow
And you're drawing flies everywhere that you go
'Cuz you don't take your showers anymore
I had to buy some Airwick
You even made my dog sick
You can't come over anymore 'cuz your hygiene is poor
And besides, you're a slob
You create a nuisance
When you're out in public
When you walk up to people in your smelly old clothes
And they just run from you, holding their nose
And you claim that you're lonely
But that's how it goes
'Cuz you don't take your showers anymore
And you claim that you're lonely
But that's how it goes
'Cuz you don't change your undies
And you don't use Ban Roll On
[Jocko Homo/Devo]
They tell us that we lost our tails,
Evolving up from little snails.
I say it's all just wind and sails.
Are we not men, we are Devo.
Are we not men, D-E-V-O.
[Smoke On The Water/Deep Purple]
Smoke on the water.
A fire in the sky.
Smoke on the water.
[Sex (I'm a...)/Berlin]
(I'm a man) I'm a boy.
(I'm a man) Well, I'm your mother.
(I'm a man) I'm a one-night stand.
(I'm a man) Am I by?
(I'm a man) I'm your slave.
I'm a little girl,
When we make love together.
Hey, hey, hey!
[Hey Jude/The Beatles]
Jude, don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better,
Better, better, better, better, better, better, yeah!
[L.A. Woman/The Doors]
L.A. woman. You're my woman.
Got my mojo risin'. Mister Mojo risin'.
Hey!
[In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida/Iron Butterfly]
In a gadda da vida, honey,
Don'tcha know that I love you.
In a gadda da vida, baby,
Don'tcha know that I'll always be true.
[Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix]
Hey Joe, where ya goin' with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe! Where ya goin' with that gun in your hand?
Gonna shoot my old lady.
Caught her messin' around with another man.
(yodel)
[Burning Down the House/Talking Heads]
I'm an ordinary guy, burnin' down the house.
[Hot Blooded/Foreigner]
I'm hot blooded, check it and see.
Got a fever of a hundred and three.
Come on, baby, you can do more than dance.
I'm hot blooded, hot blooded!
[Every Breath You Take/Police]
Every breath you take, every move you make,
Every bond you break, every step you take,
I'll be watchin' you.
[Should I Stay Or Should I Go/The Clash]
Darling, you gotta let me know,
Should I stay, or should I go?
If you say that you are mine,
I'll be here till the end of time.
But you gotta let me know, wo-wo-wo.
Should I stay, or should I go?
[Jumping Jack Flash/The Rolling Stones]
But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas.
But it's all right--jumpin' jack flash, it's a gas, gas, gas!
[My Generation/The Who]
People try to put us down.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Just because we get around.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Hope I die before I get old.
(Talkin' bout my generation)
Talkin' bout my generation.
Talkin' bout my generation.
Well, talkin' bout my generation!
It was just the other day
When we went to Joe's Cafe
Just to order up a couple steaks to eat
But we noticed something wrong
All the Worcestershire was gone
But the waitress brought a different kind of treat
She said this sauce was the chef's new creation
Guaranteed, it's a new taste sensation
But she warned us it's made out of prunes
"Try a little if you dare"
"Nothing can compare"
So we had some and now we swear
We won't eat prunes again
That was such a dirty trick
Boy, it really made us sick
Well it looks like we've been done in by the prune
Still the memory lingers on
I been livin' in the john
'Cause I've had the runs since Monday afternoon
I'd sell my soul for some new constipation
Need a cure for this new aggravation
Diarrhea has taken its toll
Still got the runs today
Just like yesterday
Buddy, that's why I'm hear to say
We won't eat prunes again
Won't eat prunes again
No no
Yeah
Eat the new sauce
da din din da
da din din da
na tin tin na
da din din da
da din din da
da din din da
na tin tin na
da din din da
dit dit da
terrigada dit na giggiteeta cut
teeta guddygayna da
terrigada dit na giggiteeta cut
teeta guddygayna da
terrigada dit na giggiteeta cut
teeta guddygayna
da din din da
da din din da
na tin tin na
da din din da
boom shakalakalaka
boom shakalakalaka
nyaaaaaaaaaa-ahh boom
Homina
Homina
Homina homina homina
ba ba oom mow mow
ba ba oom mow ma mow
ba ba oom mow mow
ba ba oom mow ma mow
Mmmmmmmmmm doggie
Heh he heh
La la la, nice lady
cutta cutta cutta cutta
cuttyta nogayna noggy teeta cuddadit
naw nay daw
cuttyta nogayna noggy teeta cuddadit
naw nay daw
cuttyta nogayna noggy teeta cuddadit
naw nay
da da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da cuddagudda dit
naw cuh-ta
da da cuddagudda dit
Doctor, every night I have the strangest dreams
Doctor, listen to me, tell me what this means
First I'm goin' shoppin' in my underwear
Then all of sudden I'm floating in mid air
My lips fall off and everybody starts to stare
Donuts and hot dogs are flying everywhere
Now Doctor, wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Next comes the part that I won't ever forget
Now I'm bein' followed by these Russian spies
They give me some Velcro and an order of fries
Suddenly I'm bowling on the Starship Enterprise
I fall down a hole and that's when I realize
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after, night after, night after night
All right!
Doctor, won't you tell me, am I going insane?
Was it something I ate or something wrong with my brain?
See, I'm naked in church when I meet a dinosaur
Try to run, but my feet have been nailed to the floor
Then a midget pushes me through a revolving door
And I'm back in the very same place I was before
Now I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after, night after, night after night
And I can't bust out and I can't break free
And it's gettin' just a little too stuffy here for me
And I can't go home and I can't get loose
And I try to escape but it's just no use
And I can't ever leave and I can't ever win
And we're runnin' outta air and the walls are closin' in
And I can't go back and I can't get through
But Vanna since you're here
Why don't you let me buy a vowel from you?
Come on Vanna, come on!
Oh, buh
Doctor, all those crazy dreams have started again
That's right, I even wake up screaming now and then
See, I'm coming home from work but I forgot my address
I'm half an hour late for my algebra test
Then some slimy alien jumps out of my chest
And I'm falling and falling and I guess you know the rest
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after, night after, night after night
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Stuck in a closet with Vanna White
N-n-night after, night after, night, night, night
Then I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after, night after, night after night
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'd like to do some more songs about buildings and food
This is a song about liver, very high in protein, very good for ya
Hope you like it
I don't know why
You feed me so bad
Think of all the health food
I could've had
You took-a my yogurt
And my whole wheat bread
You give me Ding Dongs
And Twinkies instead
I wanna know
Can you tell me
When is it going to end
Take me to the liver
Push it on my platter
Give me a piece of liver
Oh, drop it on my platter
Scarfin' it down
Scarfin' it down
You did a really rotten thing
And let Scout take all the blame
You wrecked his reputation
And left that poor boy in shame
Yeah, but now I think it's time
To show who really did the crime
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, lyin', worthless hunk of slime
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, cheatin'
Lyin', no good, lousy, stinkin'
[Verse 1:]
First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman)
Remodelling is my only passion (it's my passion)
And I'm the greatest in the business
Want referrals, yo
My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right)
I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah)
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted)
Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
When your front window is busted (hey hey hey)
Just one man that's always trusted
[Chorus:]
I'm so handy, you already know
I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets over flows
I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code
When your dishwasher's about to explode
[Verse 2:]
Now you see that your furnace is needing some service
I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe I'll hook up your dish washer combo dryer
But all your pipes are antique
Your water pressure's too weak
You got an attic full of dry rot
Because your roof sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek
Your hardwood floors really squeak
But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that
Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one
[Chorus:]
I'm so handy, everyone said so
I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know
When your leaf blower doesn't blow-oh-oh-oh
[Bridge:]
Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none
I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (OW! )
[Verse 3:]
Still rocking my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGuyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh?
Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh?
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker
[Chorus:]
I'm so handy, you already know
I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I'm so handy, you should call this pro
I'm in the phone book and se habla Español
Well I just saw
your boobs today
It seems my life
Is gonna change
I close my eyes
Begin to shake
As drips of cum
Stream down my pants
With legs wide open
Under my blanket
Welcome to my room
I'll show you everything
With legs wide open
with legs wide open
Well I don't know
If I'm ready
To be the man
I have to be
I take a breath
and i take off your clothes
We are naked
We're gonna copulate
With legs wide open
Under my blanket
Welcome to my bed
I'll show you everything
With legs wide open
with legs wide open
Now everyone is wet
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With legs wide open
With legs wide open
i'll show u everything
oh yea
with legs wide open
wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope you're not like me I hope you're agressive
Well we can shake this bed
until it cracks in half
And we can throw our clothes
right out the window
With legs wide open
Under my blanket
Welcome to my room
I'll show you everything
With legs wide open
with legs wide open
Today was gonna be the day i was gonna tell you we were through,
Until i came to your house and i noticed something new with you.
I couldnt believe my eyes i kept on thinking to myself,
theres something wrong.
Coz usually your breasts are always saggin,
They hang so low that on the floor they're draggin,
But today ive got to say they seemed to be in place,
but i dont know how.
i thought maybe,
you think i could be going crazy,
But then i saw,
saw your wonderbra.
Im not embarrassed anymore when im walking down the street with you.
and now every girl in town says they're gonna go and buy one too.
I dont believe that any girl should have to be without a wonderbra.
My mums got one and now shes in her glory,
well dads got one but thats another story.
There are just so many girls who are jealous of them too,
and they all say wow.
You know its crazy,
shes used to makin home made gravy,
but thats my mum,
in her wonderbra.
i said its crazy, ( i said its crazy,)
shes usually makin gravy, (makin gravy,)
but thats my mum, (thats my mum,)
in her wonderbra.
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
Couldn't think of any lyrics
No, I never wrote the lyrics
So I'll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child
You really need words
Whole lotta rhyming words
You gotta rhyme so many words, mm...
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it, to do it right, child
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
I know that you're probably sore
'Cause I didn't write any more
I just didn't get to complete it
So that's why I gotta repeat it
This song's just six words long (six words long)
This song's just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton of money
They're payin' me plenty of money
To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh, how will I fill so much time? Mm...
I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo
A solo, a solo here
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's just six words long
This song's got nothing to say
But I'm recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhyme here
Oh, you gotta have-a music
You need really catchy music
This song has got plenty of music
But just six words, child
And so I'll sing 'em over
And over and over and over,
And over and over and over,mm...
And over and over and over,
And over and over and over again
Sunscreen good
No sunscreen bad
Rest of advice based on years of Jedi teaching experience, yes.
This advice I dispense now
Enjoy the power and beauty of the Force
Understand the Force you will not
until you have used it
Fabulous is how you look
Fat as Jabba the Hutt you are not
Worry not about the Dark Side
Worrying is as effective as trying to stick C-3PO together with bubblegum
Do one thing, everyday, that would scare even Darth Maul
Floss
waste time not at Mos Eisley
In the end hung over you will be, yes
Kind to your lightsaber be
For when it's gone, miss it you will
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it
but your own swamp on Dagobah
Beauty magazines read you not
make you feel ugly and green they will
Just one minute you wait
What is wrong with being ugly and green? I ask
Get to know your father
You never know if Darth Vader he will be
Live on ice planet Hoth once
Leave, before hard it makes you
Live in Naboo once
But leave before soft it makes you
Travel at lightspeed
but make sure hyperdrive works
Accept certain inalienable truths
Luke and Leia, related they are
Wookies shed all over the furniture they will
And sound a lot like Grover on Sesame street, I do
Respect Mace Windu
Very good in Pulp Fiction he was
With your hair mess not
Or by the time you're 800
One thousand it will look
Be careful of advice and. . . Boba Fett
but trust you me on the sunscreen
He is here,
I have felt him
We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes
Most of our brain cells are gone
We were born to be bad, you better not make us mad
Or we just might toilet paper your lawn
We got a reputation 'round these parts
We only leave a ten percent tip
Sometimes we don't return our shoping carts
Stay out of our way and don't you give us no lip
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
We wear black leather in the hottest weather
You can't imagine the smell
We got three-day stubble, our names spell trouble
T-R-U-B-E-L
Reaisin' hell, bendin' the rules just a little
We're livin' only for thrills
We squeeze our tooothpaste tubes from the middle
And wait until the last minute to pay our telephone bills
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
You better believe it
We're young... young, dumb and ugly
I'll tell you again
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
We're comin' to your town
Yeah, we're young... young, dumb and ugly
We're wild, reckless men, we're on a rampage again
We drive with just one hand on the wheel
Danger's in our soul, we're goin' out of control
Swimmin' right after a big heavy meal
We're there wherever trouble's starting
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
You can't stop us
We're young... we're so young, dumb and ugly
Young, dumb & ugly
We're young... we're young, dumb and ugly
So ugly
Young... dumb... & ugly
Uh huh, extra cheese.
Uh huh, uh huh, save a piece for me.
Pizza party at your house,
I went just to check it out.
19 extra larges,
What a shame, no one came.
Just us, eatin' all alone,
You said take the pizza home.
No sense lettin' all this go to waste,
So then I faced
Pizza all day, and everyday, there's cheese round the clock,
It's gettin' me blocked, And I sure don't care, for irregularity.
Tell me,
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
Cos' right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated,
In the bathroom.
I sit and I wait and I strain and I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should've taken laxatives or had my colon irrigated.
No, no, no.
I was feelin' pretty down,
'Til my girlfriend came around.
We're just so alike in every way, I gotta say.
In fact, I just thought I might,
pop the question there that night.
I was kissing her so tenderly,
But woe is me.
Who would have guessed, her family crest.
I suddenly spy, tattoo'd on her thigh.
And son of a gun, it's just like the one on me.
Tell me.
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated.
What to do now?
Should I go ahead and propose and get hitched and have kids with 11 toes,
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated.
No, no, no.
(no no no)
Ooh, I had so much on my mind,
I thought maybe I'd unwind.
Try out that new roller coaster ride,
And the guide...
Said not to stand, but that's a demand,
That I couldn't meet, I got on my feet,
And stood up instead and knocked off my head you see.
Tell me.
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man I really hate it.
It's such a drag now.
I can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore, I can't belch or yodel anymore,
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated.
Oh no!
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated?
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated.
What a bummer.
I can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze.
But my neck is enjoying a pleasant breeze now.
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated.
No, no, no.
You make me wanna slam my head against the wall
You make me do the limbo
You make me wanna buy a slurpee at the mall
You make me watch the Gong Show
There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts
You make me wanna phone home
You make me wanna write a dozen book reports
Then pack myself in styrofoam
Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
You make me wanna hang out in a trailer park
Then take my hamster to the beach
You make me wanna do my laundry in the dark
And use a recommended bleach
When I'm with you I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery or go to see the Care Bears movie
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do to me
You make me wanna break the laws of time and space
You make me wanna eat pork
You make me wanna staple bagels to my face
Then remove 'em with a pitchfork
You know there's something quite unusual about you but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do-do-do-do-do to me
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do to me
We've been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flame's died down
I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist
Oh, why did you disconnect the breaks in my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore
I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?
You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft
Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime I get to thinking you don't love me any more
You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers
Oh, you think that I'm ugly and you say that I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead
Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more, oh no no
Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes
Most of our brain cells are gone
We were born to be bad, you better not make us mad
Or we just might toilet paper your lawn
We got a reputation 'round these parts
We only leave a ten percent tip
Sometimes we don't return our shoping carts
Stay out of our way and don't you give us no lip
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
We wear black leather in the hottest weather
You can't imagine the smell
We got three-day stubble, our names spell trouble
T-R-U-B-E-L
Reaisin' hell, bendin' the rules just a little
We're livin' only for thrills
We squeeze our tooothpaste tubes from the middle
And wait until the last minute to pay our telephone bills
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
You better believe it
We're young... young, dumb and ugly
I'll tell you again
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
We're comin' to your town
Yeah, we're young... young, dumb and ugly
We're wild, reckless men, we're on a rampage again
We drive with just one hand on the wheel
Danger's in our soul, we're goin' out of control
Swimmin' right after a big heavy meal
We're there wherever trouble's starting
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue
'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young... young, dumb and ugly
You can't stop us
We're young... we're so young, dumb and ugly
Young, dumb & ugly
We're young... we're young, dumb and ugly
So ugly
When you've get some weed and know where to smoke
Take a tumb tack and an empty coke can!
Put some holes in it and break up your butt
Throw it on the top and now you can smoke some some!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
We don't all drink up but we all wipe our butt
Take a toilet paper roll and some tin foil!
Wrap the foil around the toilet paper roll
Poke some holes in it and you've got a good bowl!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
If you don't wanna Bowl and you wanna Bong
Take some tin foil and a one gallon milk jug!
Cut off the bottom put a big hole in the top
Put some foil around it and fill up the bathtub!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
Do do do do doo do do do doo...
Do do do do doo Always Smoke a Bowla!
Yea...
Yea-ah-ah Yea-ea
Yea-ah-ah Yea-ea
Woah-oh-oh
[parody of "whole lotta love" by led zeppelin]
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Way down inside!
Woman, you need
Lunch!
Original lyrics from : Rolling Stones, "Start me up"
Well, I bought up.
Brought windows home,
and d'cided to boot it up.
But when I load it up,
It says my memory is not enough...
I'd be runnin' out.
I need some extra RAM to fix me up...
I have to cough it up...
Open my wallet up.
It never stops. (4x)
It's Windows 95!
It suckin' up my Drive.
It' makes a pretty all fine.
But my PC... is obsolete.
I'll have to buy myself a brandnew machine...
Bring it up...
Stick me up.
You suck me in, and then you got me hooked.
You got me..., you got me.
There's so much stuff to buy
I need a new harddrive
It's gonna suck me dry.
My CPU says, 'don't have the speed',
it takes an hour just to bring up the screen
nanana,
Oh no.
I making software buys,
Wow!
It's making Bill Gated come.
Yoyo.
You make a rich man come.
Happened one day in the studio
Dancing around in a do-si-do
The purple monstrosity was waving his arms
We were falling victim to his evil charms
He brushed against a candle and he started to smoke
And now we're all laughing at the dinosaur joke
Oh boy, Barney's on fire!
It's what we've always desired
We'll watch the flames get higher
Just don't try to put him out
(kids sayin "kill him" in the background)
Purple fur was flying ashes everywhere
And all of the kids just continued to stare
The guy inside the suit, he started to yell
We probably should've helped him but what the hell
He threw himself violently against the wall
He fell to his knees and he tried to crawl away
Oh Boy, Barney's on fire!
This is our secret desire
We'll help the flames burn brighter
But don´t you try to put him out
(break it down for me fellas!)
Barney: I love you...you love me
(Barney Screaming)
Oh boy, Barney's on fire!
This is what we've always desired
Wont you help us fan the flames higher
And you better not try to put him out
Barney's no longer ignited
We're feeling somewhat slighted
He's laying in a heap on the floor
We poked him with a stick cause we had to be sure he was dead
[parody of "desperado" by the eagles]
Avocado,
What makes you think you’re so holy?
You’re gonna be guacamole before too long.
Oh, you’re a green one,
You know that you’re out of season.
You’d better let somebody eat you,
Let somebody eat you.
Ya better let somebody eat you
Before it’s too late.
Here she comes now, wants her alimony
Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony
Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt now
Well, first she took my nest egg then she took the nest
I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(Yeah) 'Cause she took my house (alimony), my car (alimony)
My shoes (alimony) and my toothbrush too (alimony)
Too bad (alimony), so sad (alimony)
Ah-she got (alimony), got the gift of grab (alimony)
I'm in debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt)
Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony
Tryin' to squeeze some blood from a stonee-stony
Ooh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah
Then she took me for everything, yeah everything
She could get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get)
(Get) Well I'm out of cash (alimony), no dough (alimony)
I'm broke (alimony), it's no joke (alimony)
The check's in the mail (alimony), get off (alimony)
My back (alimony), cut me some slack (alimony)
I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Oh you do
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Is it due
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Or you'll sue
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony)
Alimony (yeah), mony (yeah)
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(cash register "ching")
(Alimony, alimony, alimony) I said (alimony)
Come on, come on, come on
Alimony, alimony, alimony
Bleed me dry (alimony)
I said no (no), oh no (no)
Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy Ho! It's Weasel Stomping Day
Put your Viking helmet on
Spread that mayonaisse on the lawn
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day
All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out
So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their weasely spines in half
Grap your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
(Sounds of weasels getting stomped on, with bone-crunching and rodent-screeching effects)
People up and down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say?
But it's such a festive holiday
So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weasely skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it okay
Hey everyone, it's Weasel Stomping
We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping
Put down your gun, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Hip Hip Hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day
Weasel Stomping Day
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since that day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
(two men talking)
"Which did you like better, Jedi, or the Empire strikes back?"
Empire..last for me...
Empire Had The Better Ending, I Mean Luke Gets His Hand Cut Off,
Finds Out Vaders His Father, Uh.. Han Gets Frozen and Gets Taken
Away By Bobba Fett, It Ends On Such A Downending. I Mean That's What Life
Is, A Series Of Downendings. All Jedi Had Was A Bunch Of Muppets....
Chesa... Be cha Who Onkay Chubaka....
(music begins)
Chubaka!!! (Chorus)
Urrrrrrrr.....Uh uh uh uhn, Urrrr....
Chewy!!!!!!!!!!!! (bridge)
Ooo uh, Ooo uh, Ooo uh....Urrrr...
(Repeat Chorus)
Urrrrrr......uhhhh...
(Repeat Bridge)
Urr... uh...
Chewy is that you?
Urrrrrrr....
OHHH....What A Wookie!!!
HA Ha Ha... No Bechack han holo Han Solo.....
This is a new composition which features
A random assortment of all living creatures
You'll find that it's not quite exactly the same
As the one by Camille Saint what's-his-name
Camille, in his research, was slightly behind
And I guess that some critters just plain slipped his mind
So to fill in this void in the Animal Kingdom
I'll read some new verses. I'm not gonna sing them
So kindly shut up and I'll narrate for you
''Carnival of the Animals part two''
(to the tune of "Centerfold')
Does it walk? Does it talk?
The school lunch that you eat?
What they served in the cafeteria
Always made me leave my seat
It looks like soggy corn flakes
It tastes like an oil stain
And if you tried to swallow it
You would be in major pain
Days go by, I eat it less
One bite makes me turn green
Makin students eat that garbage
Is really kind of mean
CHROUS:
My blood runs cold
Whenever I see that ugly mold
Ugly Cafeteria Mold
Ugly Cafeteria Mold
My blood runs cold
Yeah, whenever I see that ugly mold
Ugly Cafeteria Mold
Slipped my tray under the desk
Got it all over my girlfriend's dress
And before I could get away
She punched me in the eye
I was shaking in my shoes
Whenever I saw that ugly goo
It was pretty plain to see
If I ate it I would die
That green and fuzzy substance
To nauseating to touch
Just one nibble of that gunk
Is really just too much
(Repeat Chorus)
If you listened then you understand
So now I've got another plan
When the lunch bell rings, on the dot
I'm heading for the student lot
Take my car, yes I will
I'm gonna take my car and drive it
Take it to a Burger King
For some real food in private
A part of me feeling ill
From that cafeteria swill
Oh no, I can't stand it
Oh, yeah, I guess I gotta can it
(Repeat Chorus X2)
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na
(repeat and fade)
[parody of "sister christian" by night ranger]
Burger king!
What’s the price for fries?
I’ll take the jumbo size!
I need fast food tonight!
You can torture me with Donnie and Marie
You can play some Barry Manilow
Or you can play some schlock like New Kids On The Block
Or any Village People song you know
Or play Vanilla Ice hey, you can play him twice
And you can play the Bee Gees any day
But Mr. DJ, please I'm beggin' on my knees
I just can't take no more of billy ray
Don't play that song that 'Achy Breaky' song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song that 'Achy Breaky' song
I might blow up my radio
You can clear the room by playing Debbie Boon
Or crank your ABBA records until dawn
Oh, I can even hear Slim Whitman or Zamfir
Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon
Or play some Tiffany on 8-track or CD
Or scrape your fingernails across the board
Or tie me to a chair and kick me down the stairs
Just please don't play that stupid song no more
Don't play that song that 'Achy Breaky' song
You know I hate that song a bunch
And if you play that song that nauseating song
It might just make me lose my lunch
Don't play that song that 'Achy Breaky' song
I think it's driving me insane
Oh, please don't play that song that irritating song
I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain
Don't play that song that 'Achy Breaky' song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song that 'Achy Breaky' song
(intro)
You know ladies and gentleman
A lot of people think that I won because
I look pretty good compared to guys like me
But I don's think that's it at all
So right now I would like you to meet the man
Who's impecable sense of timing
Contributed the most to my realection
Please welcome
Mr So Damn Insane
(piano sound)
O when the kurd kurd kurd
kurd is the word(laughter)
O when the kurd kurd kurd
kurd is the word
O when the kurd...
(cut in)
Bomb bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iraq(laughter)
Bomb bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iraq
(continue in background)
Lets bomb Iraq
Yeah, lets attack!
That maniac
So now my missiles are a-cruising
Giving me a bruising in Iraq
Bomb bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iraq
Send home your plane
I'm feeling your pain
The next to do election
You had to be insane
Bomb Iraq!
Bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iraq
Yeah Lets bomb Iraq
Im gonna to do this like my poll says
Do it rather dough says(?)
In Iraq
Bomb bomb
bomb bomb Iraq
What will u do
The day that Im through
I'll bomb another country thats nastier than you
Bomb Iraq
Lets bomb Iraq
Cause Im Saddam if i do
Saddam if u don't
Bomb iraq
bomb bomb
bomb bomb
Ka-boom
I've seen 'em come and I've seen 'em go
There's 1 thing that I know.
You gotta give the people what they want
Or you'll wind up back in Kokomo...
Nebraska
They like it big
They like it loud
Maybe a bit jazzy sometimes
Mr. Pussycat listen to me
You dont have to be good but you had better be...
Max:Get hot, Miss Dimple.
BIG AND LOUD!!
Big and la-oooood
Wanna make yo' mama proud
Make it big
Aaaaaand
LA-OOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
Spoken:Leaves ya kinda speechless, dont it?
Uh huh ... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came
Just us eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no
I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me
Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me
Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no
I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see
Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
We really white n' nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills I'm a
Champion of DND
MC Escher that's
My favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures
and cherries
I got Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo i got pie out of thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed, my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer rap I haven't run
A past gal well I'm number 1
I play with calcules just for fun
I ain't got a get but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
They see me roll on, my sagway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?
I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
all my ergonomic keyboard
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized holy grail
Really well
I can recite it right now have you
ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML do for them all
Even make a homepage for my dog!
Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me get freaky!
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AP club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Piccard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!
They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
me me me me meeeeeee
i am the great mighty poo
and im going to throw my shit at you
a huge suply of thish
come from my chcolate star fish
how about some scat you little twat
do you realy think u'll servive in here
you dont seem to know which creek your in
sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear
how'd you think i keep this lovely grin(ting)
(have some more caviar)
now im getting rather mad
youre like a nggly tiggly shitty little tag nut
when u knock you out with all my bab
im going to take your head and ram it up my but
(your but)
yes my but
(your but??)
thats right my but
(ewwww)
MY BUT!!!!!
(flush noise)
oh you cused squiral look what youve done im flushing im flushing
oh what a world what a world
who'd thought a good little squiral like you could destroy my beautiful claginess
oh im going awwww noooooo arrghhhhhhhhhhh
(now thats what i call bowl movement)
(fart noises)
When I was a little boy
(When I was just a boy)
And my mother would call my name
(When I was just a boy)
She'd say I had to be in the house by seven
(When I was just a boy)
But I'd stay out late at night
(When I was just a boy)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, I know she'd hit me, she'd hit me
She'd sit me on her knees and whip me
Oh, she'd hit me with a rock
She'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
She'd hit me (hit me with a rock)
She'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
And when I was grown to be a man
(Grown to be a man)
The minute the boss would call my name
(Grown to be a man)
And say I had to be in the office by seven
(Grown to be a man)
I'm a constipated man
(Grown to be a man)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, my boss'd hit me, he'd hit me
He'd tie me to a chair and whip me
Oh he'd hit me with a rock
He'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
He'd hit me (hit me with a rock)
He'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
When I was grown to be President
(Was the President)
The minute the congress'd call my name
(Was the President)
And said some papers had to be signed by Thursday
(Had to be signed by Thursday)
I'd fly away to Pakistan
(Was the President)
And the second that I'd get back home
Oh, I know they'd hit me, they'd hit me
With leather and chains they'd whip me
Oh, they'd hit me with a rock
They'd whip me with a rock, oh baby
They'd hit me. (Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
Hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
They'd hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me
(Hit me with a rock)
Yah yah yah yah yah yah
(Hit me with a rock)
(Hit with a rock)
Ow, whaddaya doin' to me, get away from me
(Hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock)
(He's gettin' hit with a rock, oh baby)
(Hit with a rock)
Wait a minute, hold it
I think he's dead
Let's leave
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them
Sam, I am
I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like them in a boat
I would not, could not, with a goat
I will not eat them in the rain
I do not like them on a train
I do not like them in a box
I will not eat them with a fox
I do not like them in a house
I would not, could not, with a mouse
I do not like Green Eggs and Ham
I do not like them
Sam, I am
Green Eggs and Ham
Green Eggs and Ham
(intro)
We should kill him
Would be thrilling
Just to kill him
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
Lets beat the crap out of sadamm
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
And bomb Iraq to the ground
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
Lets beat the crap out of sadamm
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
And bomb Iraq to the ground
Don't screw with the USA
Don't screw with the USA
Now if he does attack
We gonna drop a stack
Of missiles on Iraq
And get him off our back
And if he won't let us up for all of his nerve gas
The US army is gonna kick him in the ass (in the ass)
We should destroy
Should destroy
That Iraqi Boy
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
Lets beat the crap out of sadamm
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
And bomb Iraq to the ground
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
Lets beat the crap out of sadamm
Lets hunt him down
And shoot him in the head
And bomb Iraq to the ground
Let me be your hog
Let me be your hog, now (snort, snort)
I said baby baby baby baby baby
Late at night, you're hungry
You're craving some pizza
Let me be the one that you call
Olive or anchovy
Perhaps pepperoni
Anything you want, we've got it all
Near, far, I'll jump in my car
You just call in your order and I'm gone
You know, we hand toss our dough
Just tell me what you want and the toppings will go on and on
Deep dish, whatever you wish
Even get two for one with a coupon
You must try our special crust
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Wanna whole lotta lunch!
Way down inside!
Woman, you need
Avocado,
What makes you think you're so holy?
You're gonna be guacamole before too long.
Oh, you're a green one,
You know that you're out of season.
You'd better let somebody eat you,
Let somebody eat you.
Ya better let somebody eat you
Baby, when we go to parties,
I drink a buncha beer.
Then my tummy starts a-grumblin'
Feelin' queer.
And then I feel like
I feel like throwin' up!
I feel like throwin' up!
Oh, oh, here she comes.
Boy, she likes that processed meat.
Oh, oh, here she comes.
I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool.
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school.
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old,
Vanilla just leaves me cold.
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me!
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need.
Baby, I love rocky road,
So won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby?
I love rocky road,
Now have another triple scoop with me!
Yeah, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give (you've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is
Hey!
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin (yes it's a sin) to live so well
Ghetto superstar - that is what you are
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh
Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right
So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
But now if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow but if the offer's shun
You might as well be walking on the sun
Might as well be walking on the sun
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight
I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will
I want something else
To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say good-bye
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Do do do do do do
There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show
Mmmbop, do floppa do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wap, do zap ah, do
Yeah-ee yeah
Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wop, doom zap ah, do
I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction
Mama, this surely is a dream
Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream
Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is
Closing time
One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
Take us home
'Cause it's closing time
Yeah it's closing time
We're talkin' 'bout closin' time
It's really closin' time
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin' like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt anymore if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here
Yeh,
We are on fire,
We have desires,
But one is that way,
One backstreet boy is gay,
But we don’t want to be mean,
Since now he’s a queen,
Don’t ask me,
Which backstreet boy is gay?
Tell me who,
Aint saying that it’s A.J
Tell me who aint saying that its howie,
Tell me who,
I never wanna hear u say,
Which backstreet boy is gay?
Now I can see him,
He’s in women’s clothes,
But he don’t need an I.U.D yeh,
He likes village people,
He’s playing croquet,
His dog is a peaking miss,
He is on fire,
His back perspires,
Won’t say (won’t say won’t say) WHO’S GAY
He’s always saying,
Aint nothing but a butt ache,
Aint nothing but a fruitcake,
I never wanna hear you say (never wanna hear you say),
Which one of us is gay?
Tell me who?
Aint saying that it’s Brian (wwooaahh)
Tell me who,
Aint saying Nick or Kevin,
Tell me who,
He’s making up a soufflé,
Which backstreet boy is gay?
Ok we’re all gay!
I gotta get off this planet
Tatooine is such a hell hole
Why the hell do I even bother?
I ain't got no future here
I probably spend the rest of my life here
Fixing moisture evaporators for the townspeople
Or repairing droids for pocket change
Fending off the sand-people...
poor sand-people...
Look what they've been reduced to...
i bet with a little education and a homeworld
they could make something out their lives
but nothing will ever get better
here in grimy cuthole of space
i should join The Empire
i know there evil an all
but they're a good kinda evil
the uniforms are way cool
and they get to travel and most of us dont
And chicks dig Stormtroopers...big time
their like...intergalactic rockstars
stormtroopers get laid men, but not me
if i want a little love, i got to hitch a ride to mos eisley
50 cents for a wookie prostitute
50 seconds pleasure
and 50 years of regret...wookie love is pointless
my life is pointless
i gotta get ya of this planet
WHO LET THEM COWS OUT?
Moo(4x)
Who let them cows out?
moo(4x)
Who let them cows out?
moo(4x)
Who let them cows out?
Well, the farmer was tired, the farmer was sleeping (Hey yippie I-o)
While all of his farmhands were haven a ball (uhh uhh yippie i-o)
Till someone let the barn door open (yippie i-o)
Thats when them cows went for a walk (uhh uhh)
Thats when the farmer shouted....
Chorus
Who let them cows out?
moo(4x)
Who let them cows out?
moo(4x)
Help me get them darn cows in side back in time for milking
get back bosey bad bosey get back you cud chewin animal (bmmm bmm bmm)
The farmer tells his wife that he's angry(ehh ya yippie i-o)
for he rounded up all his bovine (ehh ya yippie i-o)
and as he rounded up the last gernsey (yippie i-o)
he saw they let lose all of his swine (yippie i-o)
and the farmer shouted..
Who let them hogs out?
oink (4x)
Who let them hogs out?
oink(4x)(yippie i-o)
Who let them hogs out
oink(4x)(yippie i-o)
Who let them hogs out?
oink(4x)(yippie i-o)
Who let them hogs out?
oink(4x)(yippie i-o)
Who let them hogs out?
oink(4x) (yippie i-o)
We are, on fire, we have, desires, but one, is that way, one backstreet boy is
Gay.
And we don’t want to be mean, since now he’s a queen, don’t ask please, "which
Backstreet boy is gay? "
Tell me who? ain’t sayin that it’s aj
Tell me who? ain’t sayin that it’s howie
Tell me who? I never wanna hear you say: "which backstreet boy is gay? "
Now I can see him, he’s in womens clothes, but he don’t need an iud, yeah,
He likes village people, he’s playin croquet, his dog is a pekinese.
He is on fire, his back, prespires,
Wont say, wont say, wont say, whos gay!
He’s always sayin: ain’t nuthin but a butt-ache, ain’t nuthin but a friutcake,
He’s pickin up a souffl which backstreetboy is gay?
Ok, we’re all gay.
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since that day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
Pigeons are such reprehensible things
Some critics, I'm told, call them rodents with wings
They terrorize folks with their constant dive-bombing
Which some find distasteful and some quite alarming
But still they fulfill an invaluable need
They give old men on park benches something to feed
In return for this honor, all they ask is that you
Allow them to soil the occasional statue
The life of the Vulture is one long sick joke
He hangs around waiting for something to croak
And then picks the carcass right down to the bone
Reminds me of one or two lawyers I've known
The Unicorn is just a horse
Accepting for its horn, of course
The Unicorn is just a myth
Which is to say, they don't exith
Spam in the place where I live (ham and pork)
Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now (oh boy)
Spam in my luchbox at work (it's the best)
Really makes a darn good sandwhich any way you slice it at all
If you're running low, go to the store
Carry some money to help you buy more
The tab is there to open the can
The can is there to hold in the spam
Oh, spam on the table at home (ham and pork)
Think about selection, are there different flavors now (let's eat)
Spam in my office at work (it's the best)
Think about the stuff its made from, wonder if it's mystery of meat
If you need a spoon, keep one around
Carry a thermose to help wash it down
Now, if there's some left, don't just throw it out
Use it for spackle or bathroom grout, now
Spam in my pantry at home (have some more)
Think of expiration, better read the lable (oh boy)
Spam breakfast, dinner, or lunch (it's the best)
Think about how it's been precooked, wonder if I'll just eat it cold
Now, once you start in, you can't put it down
Don't leave it sitting or it'll turn brown
The key is going to open the tin
The tin is there to keep the spam in
Oh, spam (spam)
Ham and pork
Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now (oh boy)
Spam (spam)
It's the best
Really makes a darn good sandwhich any way you slice it
Spam in the place where I live (have some more)
Think about addiction, wonder if I'm a junkie now (let's eat)
Spam in the place where I work (you're obsessed)
Think about the way it's processed, wonder if it's some kind of meat
Spam in the back of my car (ham and pork)
Spam any place that you are (ham and pork)
The tab is there to open the can (spam any place that you are) (ham and pork)
It was a special day at the toys r us
a big croud of people all making a fuss
4,000 in line and don't you know they'll do anything to get a tickle me elmo
the doors flew open people started to scream
as they made a b line for isle 16
punches were thrown stuff began to flow
all because of damn tickle me elmo
tickle me elmo whats the big deal people going crazy they'll lie cheat and steal
tickle me elmo theirs none around I drove 19 hours around the whole damn town and no tickle me elmo
the shelf was empty and the riot began a swat team arrived in a riot van
Grandma fighting by the super nintendo I wish they never made that tickle me elmo
saw a patch of red behind a teddy bear i snatched it up but it was radiant hair
December 24th and hes still a no show theres no such thing as tickle me elmo
tickle me elmo what the hell is the deal people going insane kill kill kill kill
tickle me elmo none to be found until december 26th when there will be millions around of tickle me elmo
Some of them are hairy
Some of them are bald
Some are kind of scary
And this is what they're called
Vagina (vagina)
Vagina (vagina)
They call that thing vagina
Some belong to virgins
They're really tight and strong
But big or small, I love em all
That's why I sing my song
Vagina (vagina)
Vagina (vagina)
They call that thing vagina
Vagina
Some of them are smelly
Like clams and fish and such
Some smell like a summer's eve
'Cos they've been dooshed too much
Vagina (vagina)
Vagina (vagina)
They call that thing vagina
Vagina (vagina)
Vagina (vagina)
They call that thing vagina
Nothing could be finer
Than to be in a vagina
In the morning.
I like small butts and i cannot lie
You Harkeys can't deny
When i girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a big thing in your face i get sick
Caus i like a toothpick, I'll beat that booty with a stick
Even the jeans she's wearin, her pants they're almost tearin
No baby i want a flat booty, that's tuity fruity
The harkeys tried to warn me that butt you've got is 'Oh so corny'
Oh chicken smoothskin you say you wanna get in my olds
Well pack me pack me caus you aint that average chickadee
Hell with romancin, i'll take her wallet dancin
Rich, bich i'll dig for her money ditch
So tired of ebony, black butts are not my theme
If you ask me what my flavour is i'll tell you it's vanilla icecream
So harkeys 'Yeah' harkys 'Yeah' does you girlfriend have a derriair
Well shrink it, shrink it, so i can get right down and dink it
Baby got jack
'White hunkys with the real small booty white hunkys with the real small booty'
Baby got jack
'White hunkys with the real small booty white hunkys with the real small booty'
I like em flat and small and when i'm in the mall i just can't help myself i'm doin the dog pound call 'Woof woof woof woof'
Don't like a sister, who farts while playin twister, i wish those beans did miss her
Even uncle ben would fester
I like my bootys real slender, and tender and if i see a big booty, i'll put it in the blender don't wanna re-offend her
i get into my harder, what the hell is an anaconda?
All i know is i like jane fonder's, better than ulanda's
Baby got jack
Wath if God had long hair
And if His eyes were pretty glazed
If He looked spaced-out
Would you buy His story
Would you believe He had an eye infection
And yeah yeah
God looks baked
Yeah yeah
God smells good
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God smoked cannabis
Hit the bong like some of us
Drove a tidy micro-bus
And He subscribes to Rolling Stone
When God made this place
In the beginning, did he plant any seeds
Or did he put them there for Adam and Eve
So they'd be hungry for the apple that the snake was always offering
And yeah yeah
God rolls great
Yeah yeah
God smells good
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God smoked cannabis
Do you 'spose He had a buzz
When He made the platypus
When He created both our homes
Does He like Pearl Jam or the Stones
And do you think He rolls His own
Up there in heaven on the throne
And when the saints go marching home
I had a pizza,
Covered with cheese.
I wrapped it all up in aluminum foil,
Stuck it back in the freeze.
Look at my crust now,
See what I mean.
It's getting all wrinkled,
And my pepperoni is hairy and green.
Ah, 'cause it's moldy now,
It got moldy fast.
How can I
Make leftovers last, make leftovers last?
I was so hungry,
What could I do?
I finished the pizza
And topped it all off with some mystery stew.
Now I feel kinda queasy,
Yeah, yeah, what can I say?
So I called my physician
Taco... grande. Taco... grande
Yo quiero chimichangas y chile colorado
Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado
Las flautas y tamales, siempre muy bueno
Y el chile relleno
You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada
That's right, I want the whole enchilada
My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla
I need a quesadilla
I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbón
With my friends, or when I'm all alone
Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero
Un burrito ranchero
So give me something spicy and hot, now
Break out the menu, what you got, now?
Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side
You better make sure the beans are refried
Taco... grande. Taco... grande
Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me
That's why I order two or three
Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip
It's really good with bean dip
I eat uno, dos, tres, quarto burritos
Pretty soon I can't fit in my Speedos
Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas
And a pitcher of margaritas
Well, the combination plates all come with beans and rice
The taquitos here are very nice
Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese
And could you make that separate checks, please?
Taco... grande. Taco... grande
"Buenos noches, senor. bienvenido a el burritos casa de salsa. tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso. sus ojos se quemaran, su estomago estara en fuego, se quedaran en el baño por una semana, entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?"
Well, the food is coming, I can hardly wait
Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate!
What you think you're doing with my chile con queso?
Well, if you want some, just say so
Oh boy, pico de gallo
They sure don't make it like this in Ohio
No gracias, yo quiero jalepeños, nada más
You can toss away the hot sauce
?Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole!
You better get me a bowl of guacamole
Y Uusted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green?
Don't you like pinto beans?
You want some more cinnamon crispas?
If you don't, hasta la vista
Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna
You can finish it mañana
Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more
Señor, la cuenta, por favor
If you ain't tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta
Just don't drink the water
What is the malted liquor.(beer)
What gets you drunker quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans?(beer)
Can't get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I'm a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I'd rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
I could not refuse a,(beer)
I could really use a,(beer)
Beer, beer, beer.
I can't remember how much I have had,
I drank a twelve pack with my dad, BURP!
That's my son the drunken manly stud,
I'm proud to be his bud,
Here have some pretzels,
I'll call it quits,
Those things give me the Schlitz!
Drink with your family,
Drink it with your friends,
Drink till you're fat,
Stomach distends,
Beer is liquid bread it's good for you,
We like to drink till we spew,
EW!!!
Who cares if we get fat,
I'll drink to that,
As we sing once more.
What is the malted liquor,
What gets you drunker quicker,
What comes in bottles or in cans (beer)
Can't get enough of it,(beer)
How we really love it,(beer)
Makes me think I'm a man,(beer)
I can kiss and hug it,(beer)
But I'd rather chug it,(beer)
Fill my belly up to here,(beer)
Golly I adore it,(beer)
Come on dammit pour it,
Do it for me,
Brew it for me,
Feed it to me,
Speed it to me.(beer)
The most wonderful drink in the world.
I finally made it through med school
Somehow I made it through
I'm just an intern
I still make a mistake or two
I was last in my class
Barely passed at the institute
Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah, I'm trying to avoid
A malpractice suit
Hey, like a surgeon
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Organ transplants are my line
Better give me all your gauche nurse
This patient's fading fast
Complications have set in
Don't know how long he'll last
Let me see, that I.V.
Here we go, time to operate
I'll pull his insides out, pull his insides out
And see what he ate
Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Here's a waiver for you to sign
It's a fact, I'm a quack
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die, yeah my patients die
Before they can pay
Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Got your kidneys on my mind
Like a surgeon, ooh, like a surgeon
When I reach inside
With my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors
Oh ho, oh ho
Ooh baby, yeah
I can hear your heartbeat
Soy un perdedor!
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
(everybody)
Soy un perdedor!
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
Hey!
I am I am I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I'm gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too
Hurt you, too
I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know you know, you know, you know
Here I come I come I come I come
Here I come I come I come
'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feelin' I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feelin' I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard!
Help me! I broke apart my insides
Help me! I've got no soul to sell
Help me! the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna *poit* you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna *bonk* you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
You bang bang bang bang bang
Blame blame blame
You bang bang bang bang bang
It's not my thing so let it go
'Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for
you to be open wide
And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me
until you died?
'Til you died?
Well you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You oughta know
Hey!
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come?
Won't you come?
Black Hole Sun! Black Hole Sun!
Won't you come?
Black Hole Sun! Black Hole Sun!
Won't you come?
Black Hole Sun! Black Hole Sun!
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
And am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned?
Hey!
Things just haven't been the same
Since the flying saucer came
Now the aliens are on the loose
Well, we tried to hold 'em back
Tried to ward off their attack
But our atom bombs were just no use
They were ugly, they were mean
Biggest heads I ever seen
They made everybody scream and shout
First they leveled Tokyo
Then New York was next to go
Boy I really wish they'd cut it out
They wasted everybody on my block
There goes the neighborhood
They'll zap you with their death ray eyes
And blow you up real good
Run for your lives
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're not very nice to the human race
(Slime creatures from outer space)
There's more comin' every day
And they just won't go away
Now they're reproducing in the sewers
They got slimy lizard skin
And an evil lookin' grin
And they sure could use some manicures
They got hands all covered with fungus
They got eyes like some kinda bug
I sure hope they don't come in here
I just shampooed the rug
Run for your lives
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're really makin' a mess of this place.
(Slime creatures)
(Slime creatures)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They'll rip your head off just for fun
They'll paralyze your mind
They're wearin' out their welcome
I don't think I like their kind
They'll suck your brain out through a straw
You just can't trust those guys
So hide the children, lock the doors
And always watch the skies
Look out, here come the
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're an intergalactic disgrace
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
I wish they'd just get outta my face
(Slime creatures from outer space)
(Slime creatures from outer space)
They're makin' a big fat mess of this place
(Slime creatures)
(Slime creatures)
Oh, where did they come from?
What do they want from us?
Who do they think they are?
(Slime creatures, slime creatures)
Why don't they leave me alone?
(Slime creatures, slime creatures.)
Here are the actual song lyrics.
NOTE: Lyrics in Italics denote lyrics that were sung.
Lyrics:
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy
I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said
It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "You got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque
(belch)
Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.
NOTE: The following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in the booklet.
Lyrics:
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
the basement of the house half a block down
the street from Jerr's Bait Shop... You know
the place... Well anyway, back then life was
going swell and everything was juuuuust
peachy... except of course for the undeniable
fact that every single morning my mother
would . . . you know what? The rest of these lyrics
aren't gonna fit on here. There's just no room
left. What a drag, huh? I guess we didn't plan
this out very well . . . probably should've used a
smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some-
thing. Sorry. We all feel just horrible about this.
Well, I guess you'll just have to listen really carefully
and try to figure out the words for yourself.
Good luck.
Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight
She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight
Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places
That I never really wanted to go
'Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time
With the cutest flight attendant I know
You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favourite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Every one of our dates is at thirty thousand feet
She always points out the exits to me, she's so sweet
You know she gets me my headphones for free
Refills my coffee cup whenever I ask
And you gotta admit my baby looks pretty hot
When she's wearin' that oxygen mask
Well well, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favourite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Amy, darlin', don't you know you really drive me nuts
Every time you're handing out those honey roasted peanuts
Airline Amy, this is my new mission
Gotta get you in an upright locked position
Oh yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Yeah yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
You're the only woman I desire, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher
No one else can take me higher
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
Hey!
I am I am I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I'm gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too
Hurt you, too
I know what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know you know, you know
Here I come I come I come I come
Here I come I come I come
All I wanna do is have some fun
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard
Help me--I broke apart my insides
Help me--I've got no soul to sell
Help me--The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna [doink] you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna [clong] you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
You bang bang bang bang bang
Blame blame blame
You bang bang bang bang bang
It's not my thing so let it go
'Cause the love that you gave
That we made
Wasn't able to make it
Enough for you to be open wide
No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died?
'Til you died
Well, you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You-ou-ou-ou-ou oughta know
Hey!
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say
What is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come, won't you come
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
And am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned-oh-oh-oh-oh-ned?
Hey!
Had to park my car for just five minutes
I had to go inside to use the phone
When I came back again my car was gone
Well, I didn't know it was a loading zone
What a bummer, I was so brought down
I had to chase that tow truck all over town, yellin'
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around
Took my baby to the local disco
I was jumpin' like a maniac
But then the owner came and pulled me off the floor
Then he, he took me to his little office in the back
He said, "I really like your snaggletooth necklace
Your pants are groovy, and your hair's okay
But, man, that car of yours is so uncool
Like wow, I'm sorry, but we towed it away!"
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around!
Now I'm at home, I'm watchin' "Gilligan's Island"
Guess it's time to trade my old car in
For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth
Maybe I could get a second-hand Schwinn
Look out the window, there's tow truck in the driveway
I grabbed the driver and I asked him why
He said, "I'm sorry, kid, you're late with the payments
It's time to kiss your little car goodbye"
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Listen, the check's in the mail. No, really!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Oh man, I just got the hub caps painted!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Hey! Hey, I left a sandwich in the backseat!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Oh...
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and a-crying
Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to
I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun
She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner
(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California
Do what I want 'cause I can
If I don't because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so, all right
Do believe I told you so
Now it's all out and you knew
'Cause I wanted to
Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now
Last night, she said
"Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out"
So I (what'd you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
"Oh, baby, gonna be alright"
It was a great big lie (big old lie)
'Cause I left that night
Yeah
Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
This time I'm 'a let it all come out
This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
My way or the highway
This time I'm a let it all come out
This time I'm a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
[honk]
[honk]
Or the highway
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up
Slim Shady won't you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)
Shady, won't you please stand up?
as I walk through the valley
where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me,
Ya know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the mornin' I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and
Jacob plows... fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699!
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I churn butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off
when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist
even if he deserved it
An Amish with a tude?
You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree
I really look good in black... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint,
so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Crusoe
It's as primitive as can be
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish Paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raise a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter
Think you're really righteous?
Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times
as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night
scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get
medieval on your heinie
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise
Ah oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Ah oh oh oh, oh oh YECCH!
They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago
They looked so sweet and harmless
Tell me, how was I to know
They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise
They grew to forty thousand times their original size
They started mutatin' right before my eyes
Oh my
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
A race from a distant place
They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars
Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
The president, he's is a panic
The pentagon, they're in shock
There's a team of research scientists They got 'em workin' 'round the clock
Now the National Guard is out in my back yard
And the Marines'll be comin' around
I hope they get this lousy rodents out of my town
'Cause the property values are goin' way down now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anayway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
What a racquet they're makin', Jack
They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars
Listen to 'em squeal
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Hey Jack, you better watch your back
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars
Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars
Well, I think you're obnoxious
And I think that you stink
I think you're a moron
A slob, and a fink
You're one of the biggest turkeys I know
And that is the reason I'm going to
Throw gravy on you
And throw gravy on you
Note:Al sings this song like Bob Dylan.
I, man, am regal, a German am I
Never odd or even if I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam, too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon, too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil, Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir, do geese see god?
"Do nine men interpret?", "Nine men," I nod
Rats live on no evil star, Won't lovers revolt now?"
Race fast safe car
Pa's a sap, Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam
Ah, Satan sees Natasha, no devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol not a banana baton
No "x" in Nixon, O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
"Naomi," I moan, "A Toyota's a Toyota"
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Oh, no! Don Ho!, Nurse, I spy gypsies-run!
Senile felines, now see bees I won
UFO tofu, we panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget!, A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
Sometimes I feel
Like I need a vacation
Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna go
To the city of cavemen
The city of Bedrock
I'd be a Flintstone
Now I'll tell you why....
Well I've got I've got a woman named Wilma
Well I've got I've got a baby named Pebbles
Well I've got I've got a doggy named Dino
We do a little bowling and we drink a little vino
Well I've got a little buddy, Barney Rubble
Got a neighbor by the name of Barney Rubble
He's a midget but he makes a lot of trouble
Does'nt like to shave, he got caveman stubble
Me and Barney, Loyal Order Water Buffalo
Lodge brothers, Loyal Order Water Buffalo
There's a handshake everybody gotta know
How come Grand Poo-Bah always gotta run the whole show?
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
I get by on all my prehistoric knowhow
Betty and Barney got a baby named Bamm-Bamm
Little Pebbles is his number one fan
He's the strongest toddler in the whole land
Tear your arm off if he shake-es your hand
Got a car, gonna push it with my feet now
Gonna take my family out to eat now
Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can't be beat now
Made from brontosaurus baby, not moo-cow
Wanna chill with a sabre-toothed tiger
Wear a loincloth, natural fiber
Be the first Rolling Stone subscriber
Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Don't know what it means but I say it anyhow
Lucky me, workin' down in the gravel pit
Movin' rocks, on a big dinosaur I sit
Mr. Slate gets mad and he throws a fit
Pull the birdie's tail, everybody knows its time to quit
Realize I'm livin' in the Stone Age
No fax, no cellular phone-Age
Pick my teeth with a dinosaur bone-Age
Liftin' heavy boulders every day for my wage
Barney Rubble, laugin' like a hyena
Barney Rubble, what a little wiener
Where's Wilma? Anybody seen her?
Got a baby elephant vacuum cleaner
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, Yabba dabba dabba do now
[Verse 1:]
I never seem to finish all my food
I always get a doggie bag from the waiter
So I just keep what's still unchewed
And I take it home, save it for later
[Pre-Chorus:]
But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation
Microbes, enzymes, mould and oxidation
I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve
I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers
Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer
I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight
[Chorus:]
With aluminum foil (foil)
Never settle for less
That kind of wrap is just the best
To keep your sandwich nice and fresh
Stick it in your cooler (cooler)
Eat it when you're ready
But maybe you'll choose (you'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose)
A refreshing herbal tea
[Sip] Mmm, lovely!
[Verse 2:]
Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code
I've figured out these shadow organizations
And the Illuminati know
That they're finally primed for world domination
[Pre-Chorus:]
And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border
Puppet masters for the New World Order
Be aware: there's always someone that's watching you
And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing
Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning
Don't mind that, I'm protected cause I made this hat
[Chorus:]
From aluminum foil (foil)
Wear a hat that's foil lined
In case an alien's inclined
To probe your butt or read your mind
Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar)
Seems a little crazy
But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove)
There's a big conspiracy
Gee, I'm a nerd
Seen each Star Trek eighty times
Memorized each word
Home alone
On Friday nights
But I got eight gigabytes
Left on my hard drive
I'm hooked as I can get
Into the Internet
Maybe you would like to see my web page
I love my new PC
It means the world to me
So many things to download
Gee, I'm a nerd
All the jocks and muscle heads
Flip me the bird
Cause I'm a nerd
Deep inside the merky swamp
There lives the Alligator
His policy is first to chomp
And then ask questions later
Although his lifestyle may seem crass,
I really wouldn't knock it
He'd never wear a shirt that has
A yuppie on the pocket
[Verse 1:]
One time I was in the checkout line
Behind Steven Seagal
Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill
Was in the very next bathroom stall
My best friend's brother
Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2
My neighbour's baby sitter
Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue
I swear Jack Nicholson
Looked right at me at a Laker's game
[Hook:]
I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
[Verse 2:]
Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster
from a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt
I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria
Well, he sure sounded legit
My sister used to take piano lessons
From the second cousin of Ralph Nader
Last year I threw up in an elevator
Next to Christian Slater
Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's
Are exactly the same
[Hook x2]
[Bridge:]
Once at a party, my dentist accidentally
Sneezed on Russell Crowe
I posted first in the comments
On a YouTube video
I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi
But he told me this seat's taken
I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy
Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon
[Verse 3:]
I had a car that used to belong
To Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle
A friend of mine in high school
Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel
One time I was staying in the same hotel
As Zooey Deschanel
I used the same napkin dispenser
As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell
I don't mean to brag but
Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name
[Hook x4]
[Outro:]
Ow, let's get lame boys
The Amoeba is so small you need
A microscope to see one
It hurts the eyes, but I'll concede,
I'd rather see then be one
They never sing or laugh or talk
Or eat fondeaux or ciche
And if you take one for a walk
You need a tiny leash
I know the thing must have a brain
Although I couldn't tell you where
It sure must be an awful pain
To be so unicellular
I dated Siamese twins
I slept with Bigfoot, too
Get me on Sally Jesse
Put me on Donahue
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now
My dog's a narcoleptic
My mom's a circus freak
I gotta get a spot on
Geraldo's show this week
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now
I'm just an anorexic codependant bingo addict
Stripper born without a chin
And I'm only comfortable talking about it
When the whole wide world is listening in
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me
My wife ran off with Elvis
My boss shaved off my hair
I've got a thing for poodles
And rubber underwear
And I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now
I had a close encounter
I never chew my food
I got eleven nose jobs
I yodel in the nude
And I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now
I'm just a cross-dressin' alcoholic neo-Nazi
Porno star, as you may have guessed
And I'm really gonna feel a whole lot better
If you let me get this thing off my chest
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me
I'm just your average schizophrenic nymphomaniac
Albino go-go dancer, you see
Nothin' so bad that I can't share it
With a billion friends on national TV, whoa...
I have no genitalia
I sold my kids for cheese
I love my blow up doll, so
Bring out those cameras, please
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right Now
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me, (listen to me) listen to me
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
It's not the east or the west side.
No it's not!
It's not the north or the south side.
No it's not!
It's the Dark side.
You are correct!
Keep frontin' the Empire,
To all you Vader-haters out there,
We'll blow your planet up!
What is thy bidding my master?
It's a disaster, Skywalker we're after.
Whst if he can be turned to the Dark side?
Yes, he'd be a powerful ally, another Dark Jedi.
He will join us or die!
We got death star! (Death Star! ) x 8
And you know that we got it.(Death Star! )
And you know that we got it.(Death Star! ) (fade after)
(Owen)
Luke, get your ass over here right now!
And quit monkeying around with that damn landspeeder,
Where are them two droids I asked you to clean, boy?
Did you cleaned your room?
(Luke)
Uncle Owen, I know I'm on probation,
I cleaned the droids,
Can I go to the Toshi Station?
I gotta lay away on the power converter,
But now you treating me like a scruffy nerf-herder!
(Obi-Wan)
Luke, use the Force and run,
Run to Degobah, Run to Degobah,
Luke, use the Force and run,
Run to Dagobah, Run to Dagobah.
(Yoda)
I'm Yoda,
I'm a soulja,
I'll mold ya, and fold ya,
I thought I told ya!
Don't be unwise, judge me not by my size,
You wont believe your eyes,
Watch the X-wing rise!
(Luke)
Yoda, why you being a playa-hata?
You know still I must confront Lord Vader!
(Yoda)
But Luke, not ready are you!
(Luke)
But there's a city in the clouds where they keeping my
crew,
A Jedi's gotta do what a Jedi's gotta do,
So now Vader, I'm comin' for you!
(Luke in X-Wing)
Yea, that's right R-2.,
Set a new course.
We're going to cloud city.
Ah. that's a mighty good Gin and Tonic
You should mix me up another?
Thing's about to get ugly
(Lord Vader)
Impressive, now release yo' anger,
You must have sensed that yo' friends are in danger.
(Luke)
Ow! why did you slice off my hand?
(Lord Vader)
It's imperative that you understand.
Obi-Wan would never bother,
Telling you about your father.
(Luke)
He told me enough, he told me you killed him!
(Lord Vader)
Then there is something, I must reveal him.
I am your father,
I'm your father,
I am your father,
I'm yo' father,
I am your father,
I'm your father,
I am your father,
I'm your father!
(Owen)
Knock him out the box, Luke,
Knock him out!
Knock him out the box, Luke,
Knock him out!
Knock him out the box, Luke,
Knock him out!
Knock him out the box, Luke,
Knock him out!
Knock him out the box, Luke.
[Verse 1:]
We must all efficiently
Operationalize our strategies
Invest in world-class technology
And leverage our core competencies
In order to holistically administrate
Exceptional synergy
We'll set a brand trajectory
Using management's philosophy
Advance our market share vis-à-vis
Our proven methodology
With strong commitment to quality
Effectively enhancing corporate synergy
Transitioning our company
By awareness of functionality
Promoting viability
Providing our supply chain with diversity (versity, ooooh)
We will distill our identity
Through client-centric solutions
And synergy (Oooooh oooh oooh)
(Ahhhhhh)
[Bridge:]
At the end of the day (At the end of the day)
We must monetize our assets
The fundamentals of change
Can you visualize a value-added experience?
That will grow the business infrastructure and
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
[Verse 2:]
Bringing to the table
Our capitalized reputation
Proactively overseeing
Day-to-day operations
Services and deliverables
With cross-platform innovation
Networking, soon will bring, seamless integration
Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation
Best of breed
We'll succeed
In achieving globalization
[Outro:]
And gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace
It's mission-critical to stay incentivized
Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions [?] for our customer base
If you can't think outside the box
You'll be downsized
It's a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out! )
Well, it's a paradigm shift, now!
(Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha! )
Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, and I'd just like to take this opportunity to say:
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
hoping that your new year isn't a torture-filled living hell,
and that you finally decide to do something worthwhile with your miserable,
wretched lives.
Thank you
Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
and I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
And to all my Japanese friends, feliz navidad
Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas.
And now, here's a cheery little number I wrote about death, destruction,
and the end of the world, called "Christmas At Ground Zero"
Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime.
I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day.
Mom would be cooking up a mess of boisenberry and tunafish burritos
for our big Christmas dinner,
and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam
And then, the big day would finally arrive.
I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa,
a-and when he finally showed up,
we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us
everything we wanted
Ah, yeah, those were the days.
Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Remember, if you have one or two of those traditional blueberry daiquiris
this holiday season, please, let somebody else drive
Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic,
urging you to remember the true meaning of the Christmas season,
and also to buy as many copies of my new album as you possibly can!
Ah-HAHAHAHA! AH-HA! Heh
This is "Weird Al" Yankovic!
Go ahead, go ahead!
So you got dry rot and your water pressure's weak
Your trash compactor's broke, the roof has sprung a leak
You just found out your toilet's overflowed
And your smoke detector's smoking and your heater's gonna explode
I'll repair for you (when the roof starts to fall)
I'll repair for you (all the cracks in your wall)
I'll repair for you (every nail, bolt and screw)
Your washer's busted and your faucet drips all night
You got some termites with a healthy appetite
Well have no fear, I'll patch up every hole
And I'm licensed and I'm bonded, even se habla espanol
I'll repair for you (when your doorknob is loose)
I'll repair for you (when your plunger's no use)
I'll repair for you (with a caulk and hot glue)
I am prepared to tackle all kinds of paste and spackle
You got a leaky shower, I'll be there in an hour
With stucco, bricks and plaster, I am a Jedi master
We'll help you through your crisis
Check out our low, low prices too, yeah
Your floors are sagging and your plumbing's shot
But if you don't mind my hairy butt crack every time that I squat
I'll repair for you, anything that you need
I'll repair for you, and my word's guaranteed
I'll repair for you, I'll rewire it too
I'll repair for you
I'll repair for you
When I said that I'd be faithful
When I promised I'd be true
When I swore that I could never
Be with anyone but you
When I told you that I loved you
With those tender words I spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?
When I said that I need you, baby
When I told you that I really care
When I said that I can't live without you
When I said I'd follow you anywhere
When I said you could always trust me
When I said I'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby
I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! You're so gullible...
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was...
(I was) only kidding
Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen...
When I said that I love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When I said that I miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When I swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, I was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, I guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you... NOT!
When I said you oughta marry
When I said that we should settle down
Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, I -- I never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Whatch where you're pointing that thing
(I was only kidding)
Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Aww, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I didn't lie to you
I was only kidding... Yes indeed
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know
What's the matter with the songs he's singin'
Can't you tell that they're pretty lame
After listenin' to a couple albums
Well, they all start to sound the same
So he tried to change his musical style
He tossed all his ballads in the circular file
Then he found the punk sound
Breakin' ground all around
It's still Billy Joel to me
What's the matter with the tune he's writin'
Well, you know it's gonna be a smash
It's so nice when you're a big name artist
Doesn't matter if it sounds like trash
Now everybody thinks the new wave is super
Just ask Linda Ronstadt or even Alice Cooper
It's a big hit, isn't it
Even if it's a piece of junk
It's still Billy Joel to me
Woah, it doesn't matter what the critics say about him
'Cause he doesn't worry how they feel
When you're record's sellin' millions and it's goin' triple platinum
You don't worry 'bout your next meal
'Cause money is no big deal
Maybe he should dye his hair bright pink
And stick a safety pin through his cheeks
Then he'd really fit the new wave image
But he couldn't sit down for weeks
Don't you know about the record business, honey
You gotta be trendy if you wanna make some money
Now everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny
But it's still Billy Joel to me
All right, Alfred
I can hardly wait 'til his next album
Well, I'll bet it's gonna be the rage
Buy a ticket to his next big concert
Well, I wonder what he'll do on stage
It might be disco and it might be the blues
Or maybe even somethin' like the B-52's
Just a handclap, finger snap
Even if it's mindless pap
It's still Billy Joel to me
Everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny
Just eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Oh, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
This is Al
But you can call me "Weird", as is "Weird Al"
"Weird Al" Yankovic
I'm not home right now
So feel free to come over and go through my refrigerator
Well, I guess you gotta find my house first
Anyway, like I was saying, I'm not home right now
So stay on the line until I return
OK, well, that might be a while, so I tell you what
I'll patch you through to my favorite radio station, how's that
It'll keep you totally entertained
You gotta keep 'em separated
You like the latest fashions
You'd like to keep 'em clean
You take a trip every week to the laundromat
Throw a load in the washing machine
But if you don't wanna ruin your clothes
You gotta sort 'em out first as everyone knows
Remember bright colors and the others don't mix
Before you wash'em up, wash'em up, wash'em up, wash'em up
Are your undies turning pink
Take 'em out (You gotta keep'em separated)
Hey, are your cottons gonna shrink
Sort 'em out (You gotta keep'em separated)
Hey, then when it's time
You can stick' em in the dryer
You can hang 'em on a line
Wearin' old T-shirts and grubby jeans
People say I look kinda odd
Well, I'm never accepted in the social set
'Cause they say that I'm a clod
But once in a while, I go to my closet
And I put on something mod
And when I step out in my leisure suit
People stand up and applaud
Leisure suit serenade
Slip one on and you got it made
You better hope and pray that the colors don't fade
That's the leisure suit serenade
Now, it don't matter if the collar's bent
If it's got nylon twenty percent
Now I'm as cool as the ASB president
Leisure suit serenade
Leisure suit serenade
Slip one on and you got it made
You better hope and pray that the colors don't fade
That's the leisure suit serenade, oh yeah
Some bread, you can get bargain-priced
And every loaf you buy begins with a singular slice
But you know it will go stale again
Always does, its just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The longer it stays in the toaster, the more it gets burned
But that can't happen to us
Well, I stare at myself in the mirror
When I wake up every morn
And I marvel at how great I've been
Since the day that I was born
I've made so many albums
I've run out of things to name 'em
My fans all want to be like me
And really, who can blame 'em
Teenage groupies all surround me
I guess I know why
No one else can match my charm
Why do they even try
All the girls in college
Turned me down for other fellas
But I know why, it seems to me
They're just insanely jealous
Who wouldn't be
Some people call it self-indulgence
But they just don't understand
That it's hard to be too humble
When you know that you're so grand
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect
I just want you to see
That I've never met a person
Who's as wonderful as me
Now, I'm not arrogant or haughty
And I'm certainly not conceited
But anyone trying to match my wits
Is very soon defeated
I'm a marvellous human being
I'm just one big hunk of man
Sometimes I have to marvel
At how very great I am
Some people call it self-indulgence
But they just don't understand
That it's hard to be too humble
When you know that you're so grand
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect
I just want you to see
That I've never met a person
Who's as marvellous, spectacular
Fantastic and terrific
Oh... what is the malted liquor?
What gets you drunken quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans? (Beer)
Can't get enough of it (Beer)
How we really love it (Beer)
Makes me think I'm a man (Beer)
I could kiss and hug it (Beer)
But I'd rather chug it (Beer)
Got my belly up to here (Beer)
I could not refuse a (Beer)
I could really use a beer, beer, beer
Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer
I can't remember how much I have had
I drank a twelve-pack with my dad (BURP!)
That's my son the drunken manly stud
I'm proud to be his bud
Here have some pretzels
No, I'll call it quits
Those things give me the shlits (ha ha ha)
Drink with your family
Drink it with your friends
Drink till your fat, stomach distends
Beer is liquid bread, it's good for you
We like to drink till we spew! Ew!
Who cares if we get fat?
I'll drink to that
As we sing once more...
What is the malted liquor?
What gets you drunken quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans? (Beer)
Can't get enough of it (Beer)
How we really love it (Beer)
Makes me think I'm a man (Beer)
I could kiss and hug it (Beer)
But I'd rather chug it (Beer)
Got my belly up to here (Beer)
Golly, I adore it! (Beer)
Come on dammit, pour it!
Do it for me, brew it for me
Feed it to me, speed it to me (Beer)
The most wonderful drink in the world
HOORAY!!! (BURP!)
A long, long time ago,
In a galaxy far away,
Naboo was under an attack.
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn,
Could talk the Federation in
to maybe cutting them a little slack.
But their response, it didn't thrill us,
They locked the doors and tried to kill us.
we escaped from that gas,
And met Jar Jar and Boss Nass.
We took a Bongo from the scene,
And we went to Theed to see the Queen.
We all wound up on Tatooine,
That's where we found this boy.
Chourus: Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave?
But he can use the force, they say.
Oh, do you see him hittin' on the Queen?
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen.
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her, some day.
Well, I know he built C-3PO,
And I heard how fast his pod can go.
And we were broke, it's true,
So we made a wager or two.
Well, he was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace.
And the minute Jabba started off that race,
Well, I knew who'd win first place,
Oh yes, it was our boy!
We started singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
Well, we finally got to Coruscant,
The Jedi council, we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be.
So we took him there and we told the tale,
How his midichlorions were off the scale,
and he might fullfill that prophecy.
Oh, the council was impressed, of course,
Could he bring balance to the force?
They interviewed the kid,
Oh, training they forbid!
Because, Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, 'now listen here!
Just stick in your pointy ear,
I still, will teach this boy!'
He was singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
We caught a ride back to Naboo,
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to,
I frankly would've liked to stay.
We all fought in that epic war,
And it wasn't long at all before,
Little hot-shot flew his plane and saved the day.
And in the end some Gungans died.
Some ships blew up
And some pilots fried.
A lot of folks were croakin',
The battle droids were broken!
And the Jedi I admire most,
Met up with Darth Maul, and now he's toast
I'm still here, and he's a ghost
I guess, I'll train the boy.
And I was singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
We were singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying
'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
[parody of "mistake no. 3" by culture club]
The first steak I ordered,
It wasn’t very hot.
I had to send it back,
Let ’em have one more shot.
But the second steak I ordered,
Well it was lousy too.
Now I really hate to say it,
But there’s one thing that you gotta do.
Make me steak number three, yeah.
Make me steak number three.
Make me steak number three, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make me steak number three.
Where'd you learn how to steer
You do eighty in second gear
When you drive, I can't relax
Got your license from Cracker Jacks
You just hit another tree
These fender benders are killin' me
She drives like crazy
Like noone else
She drives like crazy
And I'm afraid for myself
They'll put you behind bars
We're not playin' bumper cars
Did a great figure eight
In the middle of the interstate
Tires squeel wherever we go
Even hitchhikers just say no
She drives like crazy
Her car's a mess
She drives like crazy
She's got a death wish I guess
She's a demon
Behind the wheel
Thinks she's drivin'
The Batmobile
Burnin' rubber in school zones
Runnin' over the traffic cones
Passin' "semi-"s on the right
Now my knuckles are turnin' white
She drives like crazy
She'll break your necks (?)
She drives like crazy
She always gets into wrecks
She drives like crazy
Like noone else
She drives like crazy
Now I'm afraid for myself
She drives like crazy
Like noone else
She drives like crazy
It's not the east or the west side.
no it's not.
It's not the north or south side.
no it's not.
it's the dark side.
you are correct.
to all vader haters we'll blow you planit up.
we got death star we got death star we got death star we got death star.
What is this song all about? Can't figure any lyrics out
How do the words to it go? I wish you'd tell me, I don't know
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know
Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin' and I don't know what I'm singin'
Crank the volume, ears are bleedin', I still don't know what I'm singin'
We're so loud and incoherent, boy, this oughta bug your parents, yeah
It's unintelligible, I just can't get it through my skull
It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss with all these marbles in my mouth
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know
Well, we don't sound like Madonna, here we are now, we're Nirvana
Sing distinctly, we don't wanna, buy our album we're Nirvana
A garage band from Seattle, well it sure beats raisin' cattle, yeah
And I forgot the next verse, oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse
The lyric sheet's so hard to find, what are the words? Oh never mind
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know
Well, I'm yellin' and we're playin' but I don't know what I'm sayin'
What's the message I'm conveyin'? Can you tell me what I'm sayin'?
So have you got some idea? Didn't think so, well, I'll see ya
Sayonara, sayonara, ayonawa, hodinawa
Odinaya, yodinaya, yadayada, yahyah
[parody of "eye of the tiger" by survivor]
Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain’t gonna fly now, he’s just takin’ up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.
But he’s no bum, he lives down the street.
He bought the neighborhood deli.
Back on his feet, now he’s choppin’ up meat.
Come inside, maybe you’ll hear him say,
Try the rye or the kaiser,
They’re on special tonight.
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions,
I won’t put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye or the kaiser.
Her name was Leia,
She was a princess!
With a danish on each ear and Darth Vader drawing near...
So R2-D2,
found Ben Kenobi,
He'd have to put the Death Star plans into the Rebellion's hands,
So, Luke and Obi-Wan
had to get to Alderan,
So, they went to Mos Eisly to have a drink with Han;
*Chorus*
At the Star Wars,
Star Wars Cantina!
The wierdest creatures you've ever seen-a.
At the Star Wars,
Star Wars Cantina!
Music and blasters and old Jedi Masters,
at the Star Wars...
His name was Solo,
He was pilot
with a blaster at his side and a smile twelve parsecs wide!
There with Chewbacca,
He was a wookie!
They met with Luke and Obi-Wan about the Millenium Falcon,
Docking Bay 94,
Stormtroopers at the door..
With a flash of Ben's lightsaber,
now there's an arm on the floor!
(Chorus)
His name was Yoda,
He was a Muppet!
Darth Vader was so bad and by the way, he's Luke's dad!
Luke kissed his sister,
his hand got cut off,
In that galaxy far far away,
Luke has had a lousy day;
Boba Fett was so mean,
Jabba had bad hygine!
Why didn't they all just relax back on Tatooine?
(Chorus 2x)
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
Spongebob Squarepants
Absorbent and yellow and pourous is he
Spongebob Squarepants
If nautical nonsense be something you wish
Spongebob Squarepants
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish
Spongebob Squarepants.
Spongebob Squarepants
Spongebob Squarepants
Spongebob Squarepants
Spongebob Squarepants!
(laughing)
A man of intrigue
he lives for the thrill
Always has places to go
and people to kill
Danger is the game he plays
and he holds every card
Cause if you wanna win
you gotta spy hard
A man of the world
so suave and discreet
He trips over women
piled up at his feet
But evil's lurking
so he's always on his guard
Cause if your gonna spy
you better spy hard
He's always there
when the chips are beginning to fall
He wouldn't care if they kicked him and grabbed him and
shot him and stabbed him and nailed both his ears to the wall
Facing death everyday
is a tough job for any man
But his hours are flexible
and he's got a great dental plan
By the way if you walked in late
allow me to reiterate
The name of this movie is
Spy Hard
They call it Spy Hard
Ridin' in a bus down the boulevard,
And the place was pretty packed.
Couldn't find a seat, so I had to stand,
With the perverts in the back.
It was smellin' like a locker room.
There was junk all over the floor.
We're already packed in like sardines,
But we're stoppin' to pick up more.
Look out!
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
And another comes on,
And another comes on.
Another one rides the bus.
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you.
Another one rides the bus.
There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs.
There's an elbow in my ear.
There's a smelly old bum standin' next to me.
Hasn't showered in a year.
Well, I think I'm missin' a contact lens.
I think my wallet's gone.
And I think this bus is stoppin' again,
To let a couple more freaks get on.
Look out!
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
And another comes on,
And another comes on.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you.
Another one rides the bus.
Another one rides the bus--ah.
Another one rides the bus--ow!
Another one rides the bus--hey, hey!
Another one rides the bus--hey-y-y-y!
The window doesn't open, and the fan is broke,
And my face is turnin' blue.
I haven't been in a crowd like this
Since I went to see The Who.
Well, I should'a got off a couple miles ago,
But I couldn't get to the door.
There isn't any room for me to breathe.
Now we're gonna pick up more, yeah!
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
And another comes on,
And another comes on.
Another one rides the bus-ah.
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you.
Another one rides the bus.
A long long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui Gon Jin
Could talk the federation into maybe cutting them a little Slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
And met Jar Jar in Bosnas
We took a bongo from the scene
And went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy
Oh my, my this here Annakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying 'Soon, I'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.'
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave?
But he can use the force they say
Ah, do you see him hitting on the Queen?
Though he's just nine
And she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably going to marry her some day
Well I know he built C3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a pre-pubescent flying ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singing:
My, my this here Annakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying 'Soon, I'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.'
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midichloreans readings were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophesy
Oh the council was impressed of course
'Could he bring balance to the force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Quigon said 'Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy
He was singing:
My, my this here Annakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying 'Soon, I'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.'
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amadala wanted to
I frankly would have liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane
And saved the day
And in the end some gunguns died
Some ships blew up
And some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul
And now he's toast
I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin':
My, my this here Annakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying 'Soon, I'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.'
We were singing:
My, my this here Annakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later
Now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye
Saying 'Soon, I'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.'
Hey Lucy, I'm home
Oh Ricky, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
Hey Ricky, hey Ricky
Oh Lucy, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
Hey Lucy, hey Lucy
Oh Ricky, you're so fine
You play your bongos all the time
Hey Ricky, hey Ricky
Oh Lucy, you're so fine
How I love to hear you whine
Hey Lucy
Hey Ricky
You always play your conga drums, you think you got the right
You wake up little Ricky in the middle of the night
Stop shakin' your maracas now and just turn out the light Ricky
I'm sick of Fred and Ethel always comin' over here
'Cause Fred eats all our pretzel sticks and then he spills his beer
Why don't you serve your casserole and make them disappear, Lucy
Oh Ricky, what's a girl like me supposed to do
You really drive me wild when you sing your babaloo
Oh Lucy, you're so dizzy, don't you have a clue?
Well, here's to you, Lucy
I love you too, Lucy, too, Lucy, let's babaloo Lucy
Hey Ricky
You're always playin' at the club, you never let me go
I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin' but you always tell me no
Oh, please, honey, please, let me be in your show Ricky, wah
You always burn the roast and you drop the dishes too
You iron my new shirt and you burn a hole right through
You're such a crazy redhead, I just don't know what to do, Lucy
Oh Ricky
What a pity, don't you understand?
That every day's a rerun and the laughter's always canned
Oh Lucy
I'm the Latin leader of the band
So here's to you, Lucy
Let's babaloo, Lucy, too Lucy
Everybody rumba
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say, I'm pretty fly for a rabbi
Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho
Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to die for he really knows his shtick
So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say, "Vay iz mir" and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer
And maybe bagels with some shmear
Just grab your yamulkah and hey, hey, do that Hebrew thing
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say, I'm pretty fly
(For a rabbi)
He shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find a bargain,'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oh, he'll make you such a deal
People used to scoff, now they say, "Mazel tov"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise
Put on your yamulkah and hey, hey, do that Hebrew thing
When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say, he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite chip
The parents pay the moyal and he gets to keep the tip
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?)
Oy vey, oy vey
Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho
He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says,"Shalom"
And "Have some cake, you want some cake?"
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz
So grab your yamulkah, the one you got for Chanukah