There are easy jokes to be made when an episode is entitled “Seven Minutes in Hell” but as many criticisms as I have for Scream Queens, it wasn’t quite forty-two minutes in hell this week. It wasn’t exactly heaven either, as the show made a shaky attempt at a bottle episode, in which all of the action (except one scene) took place in the Kappa house.
It picks up where we left off last week with the Kappa girls casting their vote for president. It turns out to be a tie, which means Chanel and Zayday must rule together. Chanel has a major tantrum and stomps upstairs, but when 3 and 5 go to check on her, her fake crying turns into laughter. She had actually voted for Zayday hoping she would win, because as she’s learned from watching mafia shows on A&E, you don’t want to be the boss during a time of crisis as it makes you a target. The Chanels return to the living room where Chanel hands the key to the storage room over to Zayday. She says she loves Kappa and wants it to survive, so she’s willing to give Zayday a chance.
Grace and Zayday are in their room celebrating her victory, and Zayday says the biggest change she wants to implement is stopping everyone from being murdered. (Hear that current US presidential candidates? Now that’s change we can believe in!) Grace is sure that someone in the house knows something about the killer, so Zayday proposes a slumber party because that’s always when secrets get revealed and someone experiments with lesbianism. When she proposes it to the girls, Chanel protests, but 3 is all in because she wants to play spin the bottle.
At Delta house, Caufield (the armless guy) has just chugged canned pasta in record time. But, more importantly, Earl wants to stage an intervention with Chad about how he likes to sleep with older women. Chad agrees to concentrate on porking hot girls and wants to work on his relationship with Chanel. Earl proposes a Kappa house panty raid, because I guess that’s his idea of working on relationships.
Back at Kappa house, it’s Spin the Bottle time, and Chanel lands on Jennifer, but Hester takes the bullet for her. 3 spins and her voiceover prays that it lands on Sam, but it lands on Grace, so she instantly proposes a new re-spin rule and the second time, it lands on Sam, so they kiss. Afterwards they talk alone in the bathroom, and we find out why 3 wears earmuffs, because she had an ex-boyfriend so obsessed with her ears that he threatened to cut them off if he ever saw them again. They clearly like each other, but 3 tells her that her charisma is too strong (like her dad Charles Manson), they can never be together or Sam would end up crazy like her ex.
In the kitchen, the Chanels are making S’mores when Sam and Jennifer come in and inform them that all of the doors and windows are locked, meaning they’re trapped. Grace thinks her dad locked them in to keep her safe, and 3 rightly calls him an awful parent. Chanel thinks it’s the killer and he must have hacked in to the security system she had installed after she turned the entire house into a panic room. (The kill switch is on back order.) Hester says it’s because the killer wants to pick them off one by one.
Chanel calls Chad because her phone is the only one working, so the killer must be blocking cell signals and she has a satellite phone. He’s already on the way there with his bros, but now instead of a panty raid, it’s a rescue mission. He climbs the ladder up to break an upstairs window, since they had the downstairs window bomb-proofed. After he breaks the window and climbs in, they spot the Red Devil lurking. Earl and Rodger are able to make it up in time, but Caufield’s ladder climbing skills are hindered by, you know, lack of arms, and he gets beheaded by the Red Devil’s axe.
Grace is sure someone there knows who the killer is, but she’s starting to panic about whether they can pull it off and thinks about leaving. Zayday tells her to pull it together, because they’re going to play Truth or Dare. (Instead of, you know, calling the police. I know the police have been ineffective thus far, but a dude literally just got decapitated and they’re going to play party games.)
Grace tells the group that they’re playing Truth or Dare to root out the killer, which is a terrible plan, because as Jennifer points out, the killer could lie. (Chad’s insistence that you can’t lie in Truth or Dare is pretty funny at least.) Chanel asks 5 if her vagina has teeth, but no, it doesn’t. Grace asks Sam what 3’s deepest, darkest secret is. 3 blurts out that she has sexy, weird feelings for Sam, and Sam blurts out that Charles Manson is 3’s dad. Chad says that 3 is definitely the killer then. 3 is furious, so she dares Sam to go take a nap in the creepy basement bathtub. Chad proposes a break to they can listen to his playlist called “Douche.” which begins with Chumbawumba classic, “Tubthumping.”
3 goes after Sam who attempts to apologize, but 3 is still angry and hands her the key to the storage room before going back to the party. Sam goes downstairs and spots what may be blood in the bathtub, but she’s not able to investigate any further because the Red Devil knocks her head against the tub and then lays her inside it. She asks to see their face before she’s killed, and though we never see the face, Sam says, “I knew it was you,” before being suffocated with a plastic bag.
Chad is in the kitchen where Hester tries to cozy up to him, but he blows her off. He says that he was secretly hoping she’d be killed so he wouldn’t have to tell her she’s crazy. Hester responds by saying she doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. Chanel comes in and Chad asks for a handy, but she says it’s time to play Seven Minutes in Heaven. She takes Chad in to the closet, he agrees to be monogamous with her, reluctantly. When their time is up, 5 takes Rodger in to the closet, while the other girls head to the storage room because they hear Hester screaming. Hester went to check on Sam and found her dead, so Chanel accuses her of being the murderer, but Hester is just honored she thinks of her that way. Up in the closet, Roger tells 5 he’s glad he finally has time apart from Dodger, but it’s short-lived as the Red Devil shows up and nail guns him to death.
The girls and Chad show up at the closet and now Chanel has decided that 5 is the killer. Chad mentions there were two Red Devils the night of the street fight, so Chanel points out that it’s weird that Pete isn’t there. (Why would it be weird? He’s not a Kappa or a Delta.) Chad finds a trap door that leads to an underground tunnel, which Chanel was already aware of. Zayday decides to go down and Chanel volunteers since they are co-presidents. Down in the tunnels, they walk past portraits of past Kappa presidents until the Red Devil shows up with two axes. He corners Zayday but Chanel smashes his head with a lantern, and they escape from a manhole in the yard. (Why didn’t they just pull his mask off if he’s unconscious? Why is any of this happening? WHY?)
The next morning, someone has finally called the police and it only took three murders to do it! Munsch and Detective Whats-his-name is there (have we even heard his name?), and Jennifer points out that he is the worst cop ever. Grace says the murders have always been about Kappa house, and Munsch is ecstatic because now she can tell the students and parents that as long as they aren’t a Kappa or dating one, then everyone else is safe and can stay at school. Wes shows up and wants to take Grace out of there, but she refuses to leave when her sisters need her the most. He’s thirty seconds away from picking her up and dragging her out, but Zayday intervenes and insists that Grace will stay if she wants to stay.
Privately, 3 and 5 are consoling each other on the losses of Sam and Roger. 3 says that now she knows she has to tell someone she loves them right away, just in case they get murdered. They make a pact that no matter what it takes, they will outlive Chanel.
Chanel gathers the girls and says that death has brought them closer together, to the point that she even kinda likes Zayday now. She gives everyone a gift of pink nunchuks and pledges that they won’t lose any more sisters, because they’re taking the fight to the Red Devil. Zayday says they never got to finish the party, so they have a dance party to Modern English’s “Melt With You” as Hester proclaims that this is wonderfully random while the Red Devil lurks outside. (Not sure if it’s wonderful, but I’ll agree on the random.)
- No Denise Hemphill this episode, which is a real loss. But at least we have Chad Radwell still.
- Kudos to the show spending a little cash on the special effects on Caufield’s lack of arms. I’ve seen so many horror movies where a character gets dismembered and you can tell they have their real arm tucked in to their clothes. I’m certain they just erased the actor’s real arms digitally and it looked great.
- I know it’s not much of a contest, but 3 is definitely the best Chanel. There’s something about Billie Lourd’s dry delivery that really works for me.
- Chad upon finding out that 3’s dad is Charles Manson: “If you’re not the killer, you should probably give it a shot. I think you’d be pretty good at it.” (I also loved his non-committal responses to Chanel trying to get him to commit to her as well as him telling Roger that his dead twin brother was only holding him back.)
- Chanel calling Grace “Nancy Drew” was silly, but it amused me, because Emma Roberts once played Nancy Drew. The best Chanel-given nickname this week was her referring to Hester as “Evil Harrington” because it was spot on. (It’s an All About Eve reference, for the unaware. Trust me. It fits.)
Photo Courtesy of FOX
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