Ted (2012)

Actors

• Tom Skerritt (actor)
• Patrick Stewart (actor)
• Ray Romano (actor)
• Ed McMahon (actor)
• Bill Smitrovich (actor)
• Ryan Reynolds (actor)
• Seth MacFarlane (actor)
• Giovanni Ribisi (actor)
• Joel McHale (actor)
• Johnny Carson (actor)
• Tom Kenny (actor)
• Sam J. Jones (actor)
• Ted Danson (actor)
• Matt Walsh (actor)
• Mark Wahlberg (actor)

Genres

• Comedy
• Fantasy

Taglines:

Ted is coming.

Quotes:

[from trailer]::[thunder is heard outside]::Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?::John: I am not!::[Ted comes running into the bed]::Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?::John: Fucking right.::Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.::John: Alright.::John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!" [blow raspberries]

[from trailer]::Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.::John: No, you don't, you look dapper.::Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...::Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.::Lori: What the hell is this?::Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.::Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?::Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!::Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?::Ted: Wha- what is what?::Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!::Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.::Lori: There is a shit on my floor!::Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit?::John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!::Ted: Hahaha!::John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!::Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.::John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.::[John suddenly looks down on the floor]::John: Is that a shit?::[Lori looks at John]

[from trailer]::Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.::John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?::Ted: White trash name. Guess.::John: Mandy.::Ted: Nope.::John: Marilyn.::Ted: Nope.::John: Brittany?::Ted: Nope.::John: Tiffany.::Ted: Nope.::John: Candace.::Ted: Nope.::John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!::Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.::John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?::Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.::John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?::Ted: No.::John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?::Ted: *Yes*.::John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you! [Ted laughs] Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...::Ted: Tami-Lynn.::John: [Exasperated] *Fuck*!

Tom Skerritt: My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bitch.

Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that. [Ted passes a bong to John] .::John: What is this?::Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.::John: It doesn't sound very mellow.::Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!

John: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!::[pause]::John: Hello? Hello?

John: [during a flashback to 2008] Chris Brown can do no wrong!

Ted: [to fat kid] Back off, Susan Boyle!

Southern Newscaster: [regarding Ted coming to life] Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!

Danson, Ted Filmography

• The One I Love
  2014, role: actor
• Big Miracle
  2012, role: actor , character name: J. W. McGraw
• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - Season 12: Putting on a Freak Show
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Ted
  2012, role: actor , character name: Ted Danson
• Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• A Farewell to Marg
  2012, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Fight for Your Right Revisited
  2011, role: actor , character name: Maitre D'
• Jock
  2011, role: actor , character name: Pezulu
• A Decade of Difference: A Concert Celebrating 10 Years of the William J. Clinton Foundation
  2011, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Clinton Foundation: Celebrity Division
  2011, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards
  2010, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The 2009 Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Awards
  2009, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The Magic 7
  2009, role: actor , character name: Sean's Dad
• 2009 Creative Arts Emmy Awards
  2009, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The Open Road
  2009, role: actor , character name: Coach
• You Know the Face
  2009, role: actor
• The End of the Line
  2009, role: actor , character name: Narrator
• The Evening Journey
  2008, role: producer
• The Human Contract
  2008, role: actor , character name: E.J Winters
• Mad Money
  2008, role: actor , character name: Don Cardigan
• Designing Green
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - Narrator
• The 60th Primetime Emmy Awards
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - Nominee: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
• Behind the Scenes with 'The Amateurs'
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself - 'Moose'
• Hillary! Uncensored: Banned by the Media
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• TV Guide Live at the Emmy Awards
  2008, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Nobel Son
  2007, role: actor , character name: Harvey Parrish
• Who Killed the Sitcom?
  2006, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Guy Walks Into a Bar
  2006, role: actor
• Greener Buildings/Bluer Skies
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself - Narrator
• The 4th Annual TV Land Awards
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Bye Bye Benjamin
  2006, role: actor , character name: Bill
• Bye Bye Benjamin
  2006, role: producer
• History of Curb Your Enthusiasm: Even Further
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself
• History of Curb Your Enthusiasm: So Far
  2006, role: actor , character name: Himself
• The Moguls
  2005, role: actor , character name: Moose
• Our Fathers
  2005, role: actor , character name: Mitchell Garabedian
• Knights of the South Bronx
  2005, role: actor , character name: Richard
• Inside Out: Joey Pants
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Cliff's Notes: The Wisdom of Cliff Clavin
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Strictly Top-Shelf: The Guys Behind the Bar
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Virtual Vera
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• The 30th Annual People's Choice Awards
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself - Presenter
• Carla's Whipping Boy
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Roz's Dating Tips
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• That's a Wrap
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Fronterz
  2004, role: actor
• Di Another Day: Diane Chambers from A-Z
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself
• Marching on to Season Two
  2004, role: actor , character name: Sam Malone
• Carla the Comeback Queen: Insults for Every Occasion
  2004, role: actor , character name: Himself

Famous quotes by Ted Danson:

"They were amazing characters to play. It was really the aristocracy of writers. Most of the writers I've worked with since then came out of that school."

"It is particularly appropriate that we unveil this campaign on this first day of the annual international coastal clean-up effort. Beach cleanups are something each of us can do any time of the year. I'm proud to be participating in the cleanup efforts today and I encourage everyone to make the time for these types of activities."

"It is particularly appropriate that we unveil this campaign on this first day of the annual international coastal clean-up effort, ... Beach cleanups are something each of us can do any time of the year. I'm proud to be participating in the cleanup efforts today and I encourage everyone to make the time for these types of activities."

"Not everyone can play sports. Sports got me through high school, made me feel like there was a reason for living. Music can do that for some kids, but not everybody is into music or is a jock. Chess is an amazingly cheap way to capture a child's imagination and expand their brain ... there's a quiet confidence that comes from a kid learning how to play chess."

"I've had several evenings with James and he has transformed me. The experience is like a two-by-four across the forehead."

"Individuals of all ages can make an important difference in the overall health of our ocean by the actions they take every day. Simple things like picking up trash on the beach, recycling and conserving water can have a big impact on the health of our ocean."

"It is important to remember that the ocean's resources are finite. The commitment these kids are making here today is a clear and compelling call to all of us to pay attention to our ocean."

"[Diane: And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is]. Well, whatever you say. I really don't care."

"Years ago, we all talked about recycling and not dumping things down your drain and all of that, but talking doesn't help much. Basically, it's going to have to be legislation because the impact is so huge and diversified."

"I feel very strongly that you can't just beat people up anymore; you have to work hand in hand and find ways to compromise, and get big business involved, because it won't happen otherwise."

"We're not trying to reinvent the wheel; for any environmental organization to claim sole responsibility for any kind of victory is insane, because everybody attacks these problems as a group."

"If you actively do something, it will stop making you feel like a victim and you'll start feeling like part of the solution, which is just a huge benefit to your body and your psyche."

"Address these environmental issues and you will address every issue known to man. And we keep dabbling in things that aren't really that important in the long term."

"We need to start looking at having a way of managing the whole ecosystem, because you can't pick away at it piece by piece, you have to truly start being coordinated and managing our resources as a system. We haven't gotten to that point yet."

"One person goes off and works in Houston the other person goes off to London and you're on the phone to each other and somebody is paying you to kiss somebody else. It's very bizarre being an actor."

"One of the ingredients that made Cheers work so well was the great ensemble of actors we had. That's the case with any good series."

"Cloning, wow. Who would have thought? There should be a list of people who can and cannot clone themselves."

"We are so arrogant, we forget that we are not the reason for evolution, we are not the point of evolution. We are part of evolution. Unfortunately, we believe that we've been created to dominate the planet, to dominate nature. Ain't true."

"I don't think it's a matter of, do you win the game or not, it's how gracefully do you play it."

"How much do you engage yourself in what's truly real and important in life? That's the individual question."