Top 10 Mysteries of NORTH KOREA such as Kim Jon Un's respone to "The Interview", how Kim Jon Il is dead, yet still rules over all, and how they're citizens are being forced into cannabalizm due to lack of food. Ten) Do they have nukes? Well they definitely have more Nik es than nukes, as President Kim Jong Un is obsessed by the shoes with the swoosh. However don’t underestimate this mysterious kingdom’s nuclear capability. With close ties to both China and Russia they are the equivalent of the skinny loudmouth at the bar who says he has some real tough friends, except this guy isn’t kidding. The UN has accused North Korea of selling weapons and nuclear technology to the highest bidder on several occasions, and like the asshole who jumps in at the last minute on eBay, these people are generally evil soulless bastards. Nine) Where did Kim Jong Un go for three weeks? In late 2014 Kim Jong Un vanished for nearly a month. The Korean Central News Agency blamed his absence on an “uncomfortable physical condition”, but rumours began to spread that a threat to the Kim dynasty’s power was on the rise. Kim had executed his uncle earlier that year, and there was concern amongst his generals that this had upset a few powerful factions. Eight) Why was Kim Jong Un limping? Before his disappearance Kim Jong Un was seen walking with a noticeable limp on several public occasions. Is this the uncomfortable physical condition we heard of? Or had Chuck Norris been tactically inserted into Korea to give Kim a well-overdue Roshambo? Most commentators believed it was caused by gout, as the chunky dictator seems to have inherited Kim Jong Il’s love of fine foods, strong alcohol and type 2 diabetes. Mmm sweet sweet diabetes. But could world-record 11 holes in one on an 18 hole golf course. Seven) Are they ruled by a dead man? Apparently so. Kim il Sung ruled North Korea from 1948 to 1994, but their constitution decrees that his corpse remai ns the Eternal President. Nobody knows to what extent old bonesy still rules over the kingdom, but as great respecters of tradition the North Koreans probably still follow most of his teachings. When his son Kim Jong Un died in 2011 he was declared the country’s Eternal General Secretary, which is pretty lame if you ask me. 6) Did they use secret technology in the World Cup? We’re talking about a country which claimed to have evidence that Unicorns existed, so you’ll forgive me for doubting they have the ability to create world-changing technology. Most of their tech turns out to be rebranded Chinese products, but then a few years ago a crazy rumour appeared. In 2010 North Korea made it to the soccer World Cup despite being a pretty poor team by all accounts. The coach claimed President Kim Jong il used invisible cell phones to provide him and the players with tactics during matches, as he was unhappy at the team’s performance. In the opening game a highly respectable 2-1 draw against Brazil then turned into a 7-0 spanking by Portugal. 5) Was Kim Jong Un the original choice to lead? Maybe not. The original successor to Kim Jong Il was his son Kim Jong Nam. Nam reportedly fell out of favour with his father because he was even more obsessed with the west than his half-brother Kim Jong U n. Considering Kim Jong Un eats mountains of cheese and is best friends with Dennis Rodman I find that hard to believe. Seriously, the kid worships American ballers so much he thinks Space Jam is a documentary. So what was Kim Jong Nam’s crime? Four) Do they kidnap foreign citizens? Yes, and the scary thing is nobody knows exactly how many. In 1986 a South Korean movie director and his leading actress emerged from the North after eight years in captivity. Why were they kidnapped? To remake famous movies for the North Korean public of course. Can you imagine the North Korean version of Oliver Twist? With all the starving orphans they’d rename it “Glorious Feast of Greedy Dirty Children”. Three) Did they really hack Sony Enterainment because of The Interview? Maybe. The FBI sure thinks so. Some experts on coding say it was just made to look like they did it, like when you accidentally tread dog poop into your house and quickly swap shoes with your kid brother. Most North Koreans only have access to an intranet, not the actual internet, so if the attack did come from the North it was almost certainly state-sponsored. Two) Did North Koreans really resort to cannibalism? It’s certainly possible. When Kim Il Sung died the country faced a major crisis. Flooding caused massive crop failure, and a huge debt to the Soviets prevented the importation of food, leading to a nation-wide famine and an estimated 3.5 million deaths. While Kim Jong Un imported vast quantities of expensive Cognac and Sushi, his people scraped together anything they could find that was barely digestible.

• published: 16 May 2015
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