What do you do when....

What do you do when your world is constantly shrinking? When the only group of friends you've had since high school is all but dissolved, and there's nobody else? When there's nothing that you're a part of anymore? No circle of friends that you're in with?

When there's nobody you've got to do the stuff you want to do with friends? When you've never had much of a shared interest with anybody, never been able to do what you've wanted to do?

When every single day, every single activity - even something as harmless as going online - reminds you of what you don't have?

When you get a total of 4 messages on your birthday?

When that's usually more messages than you get in a month (except from one person in particular)

When the only time you hear your phone ring is because you can't find it so you're ringing it from the landline?

When the only email you get is from the University of Phoenix or CanadianPharmacy?

When you look back on your time at uni and realise you don't have a single story to tell? Not a single memory that you can recall with a chuckle?

When you've never even been in a situation where you just end up meeting people through a universal bonding experience, or a sense of belonging to something?

When even if you were you wouldn't know what to do?

When you have no idea how to break the cycle?

When you have no idea how to put yourself in a better situation? When every time you have it hasn't been any better, despite all hopes to the contrary?

When you've never felt that closeness or comfortableness that others seem to around even people they haven't known for that long?

When you don't know how to bridge the gap from 'that person in your class' or 'that friend of a friend' to 'acquintance'?

And when you're even at more of a loss as to how to bridge the gap from acquintance to friend? When you've never learnt how, and nobody else wants to make the first move?

When you can't even offer somebody 'you should come out for a drink with us sometime' because there is no 'us', there's just me?

When you know that when you're older you'll look back on your youth not with a fondness, but with regret?

When you feel like everybody else has got so much more life experience than you, and it leaves you feeling just so immature, like you're still a little boy?

When you don't know how to meet people because you've got nothing to offer them? Or you don't know how to offer them what little you've got?

What do you do when you're faced with the possibility that everything that ever went wrong with the best thing that ever happened to you was completely your fault? That it came from parts of your personality that you already recognise and hate, but you've never heard somebody else point them out before?

What do you do when you don't know if that's true or not?

What do you do when you're faced with the possibility that if it is true then the one decision you've held constant for 6 months is based on flawed premises?

What do you do when you don't know how to change that about yourself which you hate? When you can't rely on the influence of friends because to do that you need to make new friends - and it's those same problems which prevent that happening? And when those problems will forever prevent your happiness?

What do you do when everything somebody else suggests you try is something you've already tried, and failed?

What do you do when somebody else keeps getting what you want, what you need, and Life keeps rubbing it in, keeps kicking you in the kidneys while you're in a corner curled up in the foetel position, hoping the pain will go away, for just one glorious day?




What do you do when the only person you can tell this stuff to hates being that person?

WE WON!!!!!

In 1945 Australia, as part of the Allied forces, defeated Japan and its allies in WWII.

In 2006 Australia defeated Japan again - but this time in something that really matters

Tonight Australia have truly made their mark on the world stage.

For Australia, making it into the FIFA World Cup is a historical event in itself - the last one was in 1974.

In that World Cup we were unable to put ball to net.

The build-up to the finals series in thie World Cup has been immense. The Australian team has been shrouded by history. That history was perhaps one of the defining characteristics of the passion surrounding tonight's match. Those 'SoccerWho?' commercials are an example of this - and had the desired effect of reminding us all that after our last World Cup appearance there is only one way to go - up. And tonight the team went up in spectacular fashion.

That same history that bound the nation also threatened to burden the team with hopes and dreams that they may not be able to fill. Indeed, at times the nerves seemed to be a factor. I daresay the Japanese team were hoping the pressure of history would weight the team down.

And when that Japanese goal was scored under very controversial circumstances you could almost hear the hearts of the Australian supporters simultaneously breaking. Even the team looked uncertain where to go from there. But they never lost hope. The fans never lost hope. And Guus Hiddink never lost hope.

And the faith of the supporters was repaid in glorious fashion when the first goal was scored out of almost nowhere by Tim Cahill. Perhaps one of the most emotional moments in Australian soccer when we scored our first World Cup goal - and the equaliser at that. I was jumping up and down so much that the cat got scared and bolted out the window.

After that the Australian team was recharged and came back with a vengeance. An astounding shot by Cahill - and beautifully set up by Aloisi. The keeper never stood a chance of reaching that - pinpoint precision to get it past the defenders. The feeling of scoring the 2nd goal - the one that took us into the lead...wow.......I don't think I'm the only person in Australia to be in shock.

But to score 3 goals - not just defeat Japan, but defeat them decisively...incredible. Magic. Pure Magic. Watching Aloisi run towards that defender, knowing he was about to wrong-foot him then run for goals, then watching him do it.....It was beautiful.

Brilliant substituting by Guus Hiddink - he should be given an Order of Australia Medal, or something. The effect he's had on the Australian team is incredible - and his strategy for the World Cup...he's a master at the game. Aloisi came on and received a yellow, set up one goal then scored one himself in less than ten minutes. That's exactly the impact you want from a substitute. After that first goal the Australians destroyed the Japanese defence; it's incredible what confidence in what you can do - as well as the realisation that you actually just did it (scored a goal) - can do. They didn't look nervous, cautious or on edge. They became lethal and the Japanese fell apart at the sight.

It feels awesome to be a part of something like this. This match is one that will always be one of the most important matches in Australian soccer. When Australia stepped up to the world stage of the 'beautiful game'. It represents a massive change in Australian soccer - one which has been in the making in the past few years with the change from Soccer Australia to the Football Federation Australia, and the dissolution of the National Soccer League to be replaced by the new-look, new-attitude Hyundai A-League. We've been listening to all sorts of talk about how Australian soccer is going to be bigger than we could ever dream - and this win symbolically represents the beginning of the culmination of all those dreams. This game, this win - this will give a nation not only hope, but faith - that finally we're not minnows on the world stage in soccer but we can become a power, we can become somebody to take notice of.

No matter what happens after this game, we've achieved more than we have ever achieved before - and more than we could dare hope for. I was cautiously optimistic (and probably somewhat biased) in anticipating a 2-1 victory. There's no way I could have expected such a decisive 3-1 win. I wouldn't have dared hope for such an impact. But god I hoped for it.

It's not often you get to feel like you're truly a part of history. But tonight that was what I felt - and I imagine a lot of Australians around the world felt the same. And I'm sure I'm among countless Aussies tonight to admit that I had tears in my eyes watching the Socceroos get a taste for victory in the FIFA World Cup.

Run for the hills!!!!!

Well, today is 6/6/06, and I don't feel any more satanic than I do any other day. Somewhat tired, and slightly hungry, but not overl satanic. It's been raining all morning, but moreso the regular water variety, not the fire-and-brimstone variety. Nothing seems to be living that shouldn't be. Unless my car's playing dead to lure me into a false sense of security...

Kind of worrying when you consider that I'm sure there are people who seriously think everything'g going to turn pearshaped today......They seem to forget that we have a 6/6/*6 date every ten years. Oh wait, it's a zero, not some other number, so you can move it out of the equation and just make it 6/6/6...erm, ok, interesting logic. Still, that date happens every 100 years. Then there's the 6/6/66, which also happens every 100 years. Which reminds me, when DID the Great Fire of London occur?

According to wikipedia it was 2-5 September 1666....Although common word floating around the net is that it occurred on 6/6/66. Of course those obsessed with that number would argue that the Great Fire of London still occurred on something with '666', but if that number really was as satanic as made out to be surely there would've been more occurring that year?

On a further digression, didn't Dan Brown in one of the books...either Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons, say something about 666 not actually being this scary evil number we've been led to think it is? That it's another perversion from the truth? I can't remember, and I couldn't be bothered reading those books again to find out.

On a lighter note, the following image is perhaps the most intelligent thing I've heard said about today's date. I got a chuckle out of it, anyway. Hope you do too.

On a lighter note....

Watched the game last night, Australia vs Netherlands. Interesting....don't know how we got away with a draw.......

Had this posted on a refereeing forum I go to, I liked it.

It is just before the Australia v Brazil Group game at the World Cup. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered". Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldino goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Australia 1 (Viduka 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Eureka......

I feel compelled to write, though I don't quite know why. Perhaps it's because I just had a realisation, one which frightens me, and there's nobody online to talk about it with.

Actually had several realisations today, but this one scares me.

Feeling very emotional lately, in a massive slump, even worse than before.

It's an interesting mix of emotions through times like this. Self pity is always up there, as well as the standard sadness. Anger...rage....is constantly there....I think. An earlier (hard to tell where the slumps end really....occasionally I climb to a slightly shallower valley) I was very angry, and I blamed her for a lot of things. Even punished her for a lot of things. I've stopped that, and I've finally forgiven her for many things. But am I still angry at her? Why is there so much tension when we talk on msn? Barely a word gets spoken. There's no 'chit chat' or anything. I haven't even seen her for weeks...I'm feeling pissed off in general. Pissed off at the fact it just took me 3 goes to write 'Pissed'. Pissed off at the world, pissed off at myself. Just generally pissed off. Am I partly pissed off at her specifically, or just generally because she's part of the world? Do I still blame her in some way for my sufferances? Not consciously, but why is it so hard to talk to her?

And the other question is - why is it exactly the same from her end? Why can't she talk to me?

Was just trying to figure out if I'm taking things out on her again....or if I'm just acting more shitty/depressed when I talk to her on msn so maybe she'll have some idea of what I'm going through....even though she's going through hell of her own.

Don't quite know really. Finding it very difficult to analyse my thoughts and actions at the moment.

I can only remember feeling like this once before, and my anticipation was correct. Possibly twice, can't remember if I felt it the first time, but the realisation I had was also spot on then.

If I'm right this time......I don't know what I'll do, I really don't. I don't think I can afford to be right....

I still love her.

Just hoping that things don't pan out the way I think they will.....................................

Hitting a nerve....

Isn't it funny how all it can take is just a single comment, or one little thing you read or hear, to remind you of everything that your life lacks and always has?

It's easy for something to hit a nerve. Even easier when that nerve is exposed to the world, no protective layers over it anymore. Don't know where those layers went, now that I think about it.

I've always occasionally kinda susceptible to hearing the wrong thing sending me spiralling, just a little thing which can set me off, but these days certain things take on such deeper meanings. Things which never would've bothered me before. But things which remind me of my pain..well, these days it's never far fromt he surface anyway.

Or perhaps it's because I've been reflecting a lot more over the past few months.

Though for the day: How can somebody who spends way too much time analysing and rationalising things possibly understand that which is specifically designed to override all rationality?

Oh, Brother

Went to troppo last night (wow, something different). For once I didn't drive, so I got fairly drunk. Had to get up at 7 to ref but didn't really care. Pity I was the only one drinking. 4 people there and 3 drivers. Actually stayed for the ugly lights, though I was keen to kick on at mojos, nobody else was. I vaguely remembering asking a security guard if he thought the other guys should come with me to mojos...I think he was on my side (though he probably just wanted that drunk goose to get out of his club).

More talent at troppo than there has been lately, I wonder if that's due to the BB eviction parties? I hope so - coz that means we've got more of it. A couple of the times we've hit troppo lately it's blown, and at 1am it just died. Last night I don't think that was so much the case though, 1am rolled by without me noticing (that's a very short '1'...what font is this again?).

Shoot, the battery in my mouse just died....

Anyhoo, night peaked at 4 people, though only 3 went to trops, which is the normal number these days. Pete, myself, and either Keegs, Neil or Coote. Troppo pair plus guest. Good time though. As per usual I didn't do anything with a girl. Usually I seem to have some possible interest but no balls to try, or enough self-doubt to convince myself that I'm misinterpreting even the most obvious signals (was always good at that). Or maybe I'm just too scared to act on any, though of what I don't know. Perhaps it's just another situation I can get into where somebody can judge me? Regardless, last night I was actually feeling confident and somewhat intoxicated, though I still can't get into the 'the worst that can happen is she'll move away' frame of mind...I always care. When really the worst that can happen is that her big maori boyfriend and his bros...well, use your imagination. Actually, last night I don't think I got so much as a single glance...well, apart from the usual glancing around...nothing that I even felt could've been aimed at me. Other nights I at least get that....even if I don't do anything, it's nice to have that interest (remember that stage anybody?), I think that's what bugged me more than anything. That, and the realisation I get every time I go out that the singles scene has absolutely no place for me - I just don't fit in.

Or perhaps I'd rather that I didn't HAVE to fit in....


Perhaps I haven't hooked up because I don't want to, not really.........


..not with those girls anyway anway.



Still, it'd be nice to feel like I'm attractive (I'm not THAT bad looking, or THAT bad a dancer, or have THAT bad dress sence......am/have I?).....Pete at least got some hot girl dancing up against him, even if she was just teasing. And what was with that Asian anyway?

Still, at least Trops hurt less than it usually does, although certain songs still hit a nerve, and in the philosophical nature of the morning-after I was (like I do every day) wondering if I'm doing the right thing. And when the only time I'm ever happy is when I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing (read her blog if you don't know what I'm talking about).....

Still, was good to cut loose for a little bit...well, as much as I'm capable of cutting loose. I never was able to totally cut loose, just not me I guess. Good night was had though, even if it was 3am before I knew it.

Be interesting to see if different BB evictees attract different crowds. I can understand there being more girls at Karen. But as for her hot daughter, forgotten her name - when she gets evicted, will it be a bit of a wangfest (well, even more than usual)? Time will tell...