Paul is dead. Long live Paul.
After seven episodes where he added absolutely nothing to the plot except for the fun, camp mystery of figuring out whether his deadbeat mother or his internalized homophobia was more responsible for his lack of interest in blowjobs, Paul has died. RIP Paul, you being out of the narrative probably would have streamlined things, but you provided me with some laughs, which I needed to get through this.
Anyway, at this point in True Detective Season 2, I am trying to look for silver linings and so this week, I am going to remind us all of some life lessons this show has brought into my life. At the end of the day, at least we can say we learned something from all of this, even if we weren’t entertained and the plot made no sense. At least we learned something!!!
1. E-Cigarettes are super cool!
The true legacy of True Detective’s second season, in my estimation, is the fact that it led me to spend 30 minutes looking up e-cigarettes on Amazon even though I don’t smoke. During those first four episodes, that e-cigarette was just there so often that I began to think of it as a character of its own. And let’s admit it: it certainly added more to the narrative than Paul ever did. Vaping is super awesome, kids! Go on and try it!
2. Be true to yourself!
Because if you aren’t true to yourself, you will end up dead like Paul. RIP Paul, a man who couldn’t love himself or anybody else.
3. Diamonds are a criminal conspiracy’s best friend.
I don’t understand the importance of those blue diamonds, but I know that everyone seems to be obsessed with them like Marilyn Monroe was obsessed with that diamond tiara in Gentleman Prefer Blondes. Sadly, nobody in True Detective sang a song about their feelings on this subject though, which is one of a myriad of reasons why Gentleman Prefer Blondes is superior to this show.
4. Collecting insurance money via arson is super easy!
Vince Vaughn left his fingerprints all over the building he was trying to torch without a care in the world. He also was super obvious about putting insurance money on the building. But whatever! Who cares! The easiest crime to commit is arson and insurance fraud, I guess!
5. The easiest way to look like a sassy but classy female character is to always wear hoop earrings.
The more obnoxious, the better! It lets people know that you are bold enough to dress like a Jersey Shore stereotype, but also rich enough to afford to dress like a classier Jersey Shore stereotype. You are both down in the gutter, and better than that simultaneously when you wear hoop earrings!
6. Highway shots are super cool!
Look at all the cars crisscrossing on their way to nowhere in the dark of the night! How beautiful, how mysterious, how thrilling! If you want to add some drama to your gritty series, than you can’t go wrong with eight million overhead highway shots!
7. Everybody loves to spend their nights out listening to a sad, whiny women sing sad, whiny songs.
Oh, Depressing Pub Singer! I have no idea why you keep coming back to that pub every night to sing, and I certainly don’t understand why the pub lets you, but I guess it’s because you are massively successful. So I implore all bar owners to stop letting Bruce Springsteen cover bands be the crux of live bar music and start letting sad white women do it. People will drink! They will drink a lot!
8. If a straight, single man and a straight, single woman meet in a narrative, they will probably have sex.
Ray and Ani banged it out in this episode. Did it come of out of nowhere? A little bit. But also, you knew it was coming because they were a man and a woman on a TV show who talked to each other a little bit. On TV, “talking to each other a little bit” is equivalent to “crushing sexual tension,” so of course Ray and Ani banged it out. They were always destined to.
9. Being a man is really, really, really hard.
In case you weren’t aware, being a man is hard. Dealing with masculinity is tough. Like sometimes, you can’t get an erection and that’s hard (pun intended!!). And sometimes your wife gets raped and you have to become a vigilante and kill her rapist and deal with the fact that she may have a son who isn’t yours and that’s hard. And sometimes you have to buy some land because of your manliness and that’s hard, because what is even being a man? What does it all mean? I’m not sure, but let me tell you: being a man is hard.
10. On the other hand, it’s super easy to waste your time.
I have now watched seven hours of this nonsense and I have ninety more minutes to go! Eight and half hours of my life will have been wasted watching this! Eight and a half!!!
Photo Courtesy of HBO
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