Rocky Horror: Over & Out - a Celebration of West Country Catholic Christianity

I have been given access to transcripts and secret footage of a joint meeting of the dioceses of Mangelwurzel, Scrumpytown and Nether Yokel

Fr Gummidge: All right me dearios welcome to this ‘ere University of Exshire for this faaaaaaaaaaaantastic celebration of our shared vision of what the Church could be like – lay people in charge, old churches closed, 1960s churches listed, feminst-gay-and interfaith minded and definitely NO Latin

Hippies: Hurrah!!!!!!!

Fr Gummidge:And now with our opening liturgical dance – the smaller members of the Church – give it up for the Munchkins Liturgical Dance Group



Fr Gummidge:Now wasn’t that fantastic- that’s the future of the Church that is. Takes yer breath away.

Gathering song
All over our town, the churches are empty
All over our town, as Ratzinger said it would be (Alleluia!)
Deep down in our heart, there’s a sense of resignation,
As we bash our tambourines
And pretend we’re very happeeee

All over the Church, the children are leaving,
All over the Church, as Ratzinger said it would be, (Alleluia!)
Deep down in our hearts,
Were a bunch of sad agnostics,
As we strum on our guitars,
With a sense of com-pla-cen-cy

All over the West, the Muslims are winning,
All over the West, as Ratzinger said it would be, (Alleluia!)
Deep down in our hearts,
We couldn’t give a monkey’s,
For the future of the Church,
Speaking multi-culturall-eee

Fr Gummidge:Now the moment you’ve all been waiting for – we are joined by our bishops – Bishop Deccy, Bishop Crispy and Bishop Buddy.

Bishop Crispy: Welcome, welcome, dear people as we join in a caring, sharing, felt-banner waving celebration of all that joins us. I particularly welcome a contingent of Sex Workers for Crispy – how touching that you could join us, dear sisters.

Bishop Deccy: Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

Bishop Buddy: My fellow bishops – or as we like to call ourselves, your Big Brothers – have composed a song to let you know what we have been doing


[Bishop Buddy in a Sound Of Music stylee]
Lesbian communes and invalid Masses
Youth groups and sanctuaries all full of lasses
Mass regulations all tied up with string,
These are a few of our favourite things.

[Bishop Crispy:]
Tambourines smashing and guitars-a-strumming,
Half-tone-deaf flautists and African drumming
Lentil-filled shakers and thumb bells to ring,
These are a few of our favourite things.

[Bishop Deccy:]
Angry young Muslims with placards and Korans,
Burqas, madrassas and jihadist Imams,
Dhimmitude only a bishop can bring,
These are a few of our favourite things,

[Chorus]
When the trads write,
When the Pope rings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.

Bishop Crispy: Hey, guys, gather round the prayer tree and place your prayer ribbons on it:

Let us pray for our Church, that the Cardinals of the Church who had a moment of temporary insanity might think twice before they elect a Pope uncongenial to the tastes of the Bishops of England and Wales
The congregation: Boo! Down with Ratzy!

Let us prayer for our liturgical celebrations that they will be free from all taint of ceremonial, Latin, poncey old vestments and all that pre concilar stuff.
The congregation: Amen to that, brother

Let us pray for whatever was on the front page of The Guardian this morning. Dear oh, dear, what a mess America makes of everything
The congregation: Death to America! Death to George W Bush! Blair out! Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Out!Out!Out!

Let us make amends for everything bad in the world that we have done: crusades, the Inquisition, May processions, slavery racism, misogyny, homophobia, arachnophobia
The congregation:It’s all your fault, whitey!

Bishop Crispy: Do you know what? If all those traddies could see what we’ve had here today, they’d not want their ghastly Latin Masses.

Congregation: Right on!

Bishop Deccy: Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

Fr Gummidge: Well, we in the West Country are proud of our links with our pagan past what with Glastonbury and Stonehenge, so we thought we’d have a bit of liturgical experiment this year
[He pulls off the cover of a large Wicker Man to much excited whooping. Bishops look impressed].

Fr Gummidge: What with foot and mouth and global warming and injustice, Gaia is not happy and we must make amends…..

Large feminist contingent nods and mumbles approval.

Fr Gummidge: So we need a sacrifice.

[Bishops nod approval]

Fr Gummidge: A really big, sacrifice.

[The folk group don masks and begin hypnotic drumming. A group of stealth priestesses moves towards the bishops and leads them away ]

Bishop Crispy: What are you doing? Do you know who I am? I’m a bishop of the Catholic Church!

Stealth Priestesses: Could've fooled us!

[The three are placed in the wicker man looking bewildered ]

Druid Gummidge: [now wearing a scary mask]: Oh ancient gods of the West Country– accept these weak men to assuage our guilt and if this is not acceptable we’ll come back with Cormac Murphy-O’Connor next time. Let the solstice begin!

[Much hypnotic drumming and liturgical dancing as the flames rise around the bishops….. ]