Making Manchester Safe

Britain's Head Boy has spent the last few days trying to look as if he cares about brown people, and it has obviously been an uncomfortable experience. Accordingly, today he had a bit of a burble to try and move the debate back into the Westminster comfort zone of killing brown people in numbers slightly larger than four thousand a year. Britain's Head Boy dismissed the frivolous fripperies in favour of what makes headlines in the scumbag press: "not just spending money, not just aid, not just diplomacy, but it will on occasion require hard military force." Britain's Head Boy expressed disapproval of both Bashar al-Assad and Islamic State, both of whom butcher people without utilising such civilised methods as drone aircraft and cruise missiles, let alone the liberating statesmanship exemplified by the Reverend Blair during the saving of Iraq. Britain's Head Boy would like to help end the butchery in Syria by butchering a lot more Syrians, thus incidentally stemming the migrant swarm by reducing potential refugees to collateral damage before they can be indiscreet enough to get their children washed up on beaches. With the party conference only a month away, Britain's Head Boy wants to look like a leader instead of a chubby-cheeked school bully struggling to manage as a junior salesman; and that will require not just spending money, not just aid, not just diplomacy, but it will on occasion require hard military force.

Normal Is As Normal Does

Even in the present cynical age, certain times of year have a special aura; a delicate, poetic atmosphere tinged with the remembrance of past joys and redolent with anticipation of a bright future to come. High on the list of such happy times is, of course, the run-up to yet another new bout of Conservative cripple-kicking; which makes it all the more tragic that various charities and other left-wing troublemakers have chosen to taint the occasion by seizing upon the verbal maunderings of the mentally incompetent. The brilliant Iain Duncan Smith has been assuring hard-working families that Britain's gimps, mongs, retards and spazzes can expect "exactly the same support into work" that normal people get; which is simply to say that every scrounger and shirker in the land will soon be pestered, patronised, bullied and robbed to exactly the same degree no matter what adjustments might normally be made by a socially and ethically reasonable human being. Naturally, the troublemakers have taken the brilliant Duncan Smith's words out of context and are using them in a calculated attempt to blacken the name of our most witty and compassionate parliamentarian since Geoff Hoon. We can only hope that his famously delicate sensibilities are able to withstand the strain.

Our Moral Obligations

Two narrow, hollow little things, namely the head and heart of Her Majesty's Government, have at last come together to produce an expectably small, hollow and narrow response to the refugee crisis which Her Majesty's Government has done so much to bring about. Part of the foreign aid budget will be diverted, and twenty thousand Syrian refugees will be admitted over the next five years; at the end of which they will be designated as asylum seekers, given over to the tender mercies of Serco and G4S, and booted out, or else designated as economic migrants and simply booted out.

While he was on the subject of ghastly wogs, Britain's Head Boy also announced Her Majesty's Government's official adoption of extra-judicial assassination by remote control, the American counter-terrorism policy which has done so much for peace and freedom in Washington DC. The whole thing was approved by Britain's Head Boy's attorney general, who knows all about the rules in Big School; and also by the Minister for Wog-Bombing, whose calm rationality and sense of perspective were on such salubrious display during the recent election campaign.

No Help Required

Desires and emotions are complex, we know,
Where faith is quite simple, and true, and just so.
Each life must be honoured, protected, we deem,
Unless it belongs to the other chap's team.

And in that respect, no mere legal Bill
Can match our inflexible "Thou shalt not kill",
Which all through the ages, right down till today,
Has guided the pious on whom they can slay.

But proper morality cannot extend
To taking control of your personal end;
Because we all feel that it's frightfully wrong
To shorten such pain as our gods would prolong.

Rev. Sorbus Malbarb

Policing By Consent

Conservative plans to give the NHS-patented paralyse-then-privatise treatment to the police will receive a sharp moral endorsement from the activities of some rotten apples in the International Corruption Unit. Somehow or other, despite the British Neoliberal Party's constant striving to remove red tape from wealth creators, Britain has become a major centre for corporate fraud, money-laundering, property scams and all those other delicious hijinks whereby the wealth of nations is shovelled into the pockets of hard-working families. Britain's Head Boy has had a bit of a simper recently about the need to curb the corrupt activities of any foreigners who don't happen to be Rupert Murdoch; but the seriousness of his intentions may be gauged from his appointment of the well-known expenses claimant Eric Pickles as anti-corruption tsar. Certainly he cannot have expected the police, however much they may still be part of the hated public sector, to start going out and messing with his chums. Fortunately for the wealth creators, the chancellor and the mad old cat lady at the Home Office are even now plotting the next round of cuts, to be followed in short order by their contracting out the whole enforcement industry to those reliable people at Serco and G4S.

I'm Not An Inquisitor, But

Having suffered one or two strategic setbacks in the war against the objectively disordered, the Vatican has opened a new front against transsexuals. The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, known in more pious days as the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition, has declared that transsexuals cannot be godparents because they have manifestly failed in the "moral requirement to resolve one’s sexual identity problem according to the truth of one’s sex"; said truth to be infallibly determined by some ostensibly celibate men in frocks and their invisible friend. This is not discrimination, because the Vatican says it isn't; so that's all right.

Not Quite So Full Up as We Had Been Led to Believe

Britain's Head Boy has had a bit of a burble about the refugee crisis. Apparently his handlers have warned him that pictures of dead toddlers sit rather badly with Rothermere-Stürmer rhetoric about marauding swarms, and even the father of Little Ivan™ (remember him?) can hardly be unaware of the propaganda potential of detrimented infantine resources. Britain's Head Boy proclaimed that "we are taking thousands of people, and we will take thousands of people", presumably just as soon as the Home Office and those reliable folk at Serco and G4S have drawn up plans for appropriate accommodation. Britain's Head Boy stressed the need for a final solution to the problems posed by excess wog mobility, and in particular the need for "a new government in Libya". It seems that someone or other has very carelessly deposed the old government in Libya without leaving anything viable in its place; but Britain's Head Boy apparently chose not to dwell on who the culprits might have been. Britain's Head Boy instead had a bit of a burble about President Assad and the Fighting Sons of Tony in the Middle East, while the London Haystack obligingly backed him up with some blather about sorting the telegenic from the scroungers and looking harder at the prospect of wog-bombing Syria, since wog-bombing always leads to such alluring results.

The Nightmare Continues

Fury at migrant horror

Rail passengers between Britain and France have suffered yet further agonies due to the wrong kind of migrants on the line.

The crisis has prompted fears of a humanitarian catastrophe, with trains being halted and re-routed because of migrants attempting to get through the Channel Tunnel.

In extreme cases, passengers and rail companies have been forced to make alternate arrangements for travel and accommodation.

Rail companies said that every possible emergency measure would be taken, but that the main problem was "the wrong kind of migrant."

"If they were a bit thinner, or more of them were children, we could just plough on through and keep going," the spokesbeing said.

"Unfortunately, most of these swarms are strapping young men who have been fed on a regular basis, and red tape prevents the company risking damage to its rolling stock."

Passengers complained that the sight of migrants clinging to the roofs of trains caused them to fear for their salaries.

As an afterthought, Britain's leading liberal newspaper noted that some people had died.

Tougher Than Us

While Britannia squeals and clutches her pearls at the thought of five thousand poor devils swarming up her from Calais, twelve thousand Icelanders are calling on their government to take in more refugees. Four per cent of the country's population, the equivalent of something over two million Britons, have signed an open letter asking the government to increase its quota and offering help, education and living space. Iceland, of course, is a Viking colony, with a far more robust economy and culture than we Brythonic tribespersons could ever hope to achieve.

Learning from the Best

An inquiry by the Australian Senate has found that the country's Nauru concentration camp is finally beginning to approach the standard set by those reliable people at Serco and G4S here on the mainland, with incentives such as child abuse, sexual assault and recreational violence providing due safeguards against unintentional pull factors. Portions of the swarm have even been driven to start marauding against themselves, allegedly at the instigation of workers from Save the Children whom the Australian Green Party wants reinstated so they can continue their reign of terror.

The Senate committee insists, ludicrously enough, that the concentration camp is the responsibility of the Australian government just because the Australian government is throwing taxpayers' money at Transfield, the flesh-traffickers who claim to be running it. In fact, of course, the concentration camp is the responsibility of the government of Nauru, much as the abuses in Guantánamo Bay were the fault of Fidel Castro. An attempt to dump the excess in Cambodia seems to have failed, despite bribes of six million pounds per cockroach.