“Gosh, I’d like to get the kids to brush their teeth on their own. I know! what if we get a puking cat toothpaste dispenser!“
This Exists (Bad Design)
5
News That Will Drive You To Drink
Grifters Gotta Grift
The stupid… it burns
Yesterday the Pride of Canada Ted Cruz was cock-blocked by Uncle Sugar’s staffer when he tried to photo-bomb the pixels of Gawd’s Own Filing Clerk Kim Davis. It has sort of set off an avalanche of who is more Elmer that Gantry, but Huckabee certainly knows more about grifting the rubes old-school style than anyone else in the 2016 Goat Rodeo
So imagine my surprise today when Ted Cruz has upped the ante: Xristian Xrazie constitutional scholar and historical fabulist David Barton of Wallbuilders fame is now the head of his super-PAC, Keep the Promise PAC, and has his grubby paws on all that sweet, sweet lucre.
We all know Barton as the author of really bad Xristian Nation historical fiction that he tries to pass off as academic research; he last book was so egregious that even his Wingnut Welfare Publisher felt embarrassed and pulled the books off the shelves to be pulped. But Barton is also known as a venom-dripping, homophobic bigot of the first order.
So it really is a stunning move by Cruz to win back the evangelicals after not being able to make the pictures with Kim Davis.
The Short Shall Enter Heaven First
Jeebus weeps
Our Lady of Bountiful Pasta and Good Shoe Wear Cindy Jacobs gives us a trip report from California that includes this miracle cure of a short person growing three inches before her very eyes:
“One very sweet miracle was through a word of knowledge when I said, “There is someone here, and you are shorter than you are supposed to be.” I went on to explain—because lots of people wanted prayer to grow!—that this would not be someone who had lost height, but rather, someone who was told by doctors that they should have grown taller than they did.
“Finally, the right one came forward—a young woman. She was weeping and weeping, and at last we understood that she had suffered a lot of teasing from her lack of height. I had not prayed for someone to grow instead of to regain height, but I knew it was from the Lord. In faith, I put my hand about three inches above her head, and she shot up until her head touched my hand!
“You should have seen her face! In fact, you should have seen the faces of the people who witnessed the miracle! It was stunning! People were laughing and crying all at once!”
Actually, Cindy, what we should see is evidence. A room full of people with smart phones and no one filmed it? Now THAT is a miracle. Praise Jeebus!
Some Fries With Your Stupid, Bobby Jindal?
Ah’m as popular as a fart in church back home!
“If [Planned Parenthood]’re doing such a great job, why aren’t these things [his state’s high teen pregnancy rate, its third-in-the-nation poverty rate and its sexually transmitted infection crisis] better? We should cancel their contract for no other reason, just that they’re awful at what they do.”
As we’ve noted before, Jindal defunded Planned Parenthood, and removed them from teaching sex education in public schools, so these are the STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and lifetime of poverty coming home to roost, so to speak.
*Pounds head on desk waiting for sweet, sweet relief*
Those Damn Activist Judges… oh, wait
Kiss Jeebus on the lips
“What gets me about Judge Bunning, I saw a profile piece over the weekend and they said that he is a devout Catholic man who opposed the Supreme Court’s decision on this issue. So what does that tell me, Crane? It tells me this man is not a man of strong character if in fact he ruled against the basic tenets of his own faith. So I think we are dealing with a lot of unscrupulous characters here.”
So… Judge Bunning should have ignored the Constitution and gone with his personal beliefs?
Exciting 2016 Goat Rodeo Update!
The Frosted Tips Twins are taking out the trash at the now-closed SC Perry Campaign HQ?
Texas’ theocratic nitwit secessionist Rick Perry has closed the doors of his campaign HQ in South Carolina.
And CNN makes Perry the house favorite to be the first candidate to drop out of the 2016 Goat Rodeo at 40% likely.
Green Acres Is The Place To Be
The saga of Kim Davis, Gawd’s Own Filing Clerk continues, in somewhat the same manner as if Wagner had set Parsifal in Hooterville.
But the morning brings fresh light and we learn that Davis is not coming into work (rough night? ugh) and that at least one of her deputy clerks Brian Mason plans to continue issuing marriage licenses to citizens who qualify—follow the law in other words—including the ‘mos.
Which of course brings its own problems:
Protestors are now calling for the firing of deputies issuing marriage licenses. pic.twitter.com/ZBrNGNvLZG
— Victor Puente (@thevictorpuente) September 9, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Meanwhile her legal counsel continues their shock-and-awe campaign of stirring up the rubes:
“Mat Staver, the head of the conservative Liberty Counsel that is representing Davis free of charge, signaled Tuesday that the county clerk would again refuse to follow court orders.
“Kim Davis cannot and will not violate her conscience,” Staver said.
So as the sturm and drang continues with the clerics, the high priests of the hootenanny got down to work as Uncle Sugar hisself had an aid cock-block The Pride of Canada from getting on the stage with Davis:
“The Texas Tea Party member was seen at a rally backing Davis in Grayson, where Davis was jailed after refusing orders from a federal court and the Supreme Court to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. However, when Cruz tried to talk to the media after Davis’ release, the Times noted that “an aide to Mr. Huckabee blocked the path of Mr. Cruz, who appeared incredulous.”
You bet he did.
One only imagines that somewhere in Rowen County Kentucky last night that Kim Davis celebrated her release in true Hooterville style, Arnold Ziffel invited. And yes, I did throw-up just a little bit in the back of my mouth.
Bad Signs, Cont.
Well, that’s one way to get a spouse I suppose.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)
News That Will Drive You To Drink
When one face palm is not enough.
“By way of background, Federal Judge David Bunning ruled that Davis was in contempt of court, which a court can legitimately do. But he then ordered federal marshals enforce his decision and take her into custody, which he cannot do. Federal marshals are part of the Executive Branch, not the Judicial Branch; he has absolutely no authority to order any federal marshal to do anything.”
—Xristian Xrazie constitutional scholar and historical fabulist David Barton
As always, Barton is wrong, really, really wrong, as the first act signed into law by the first preznint was the Judiciary Act of 1789.
Today’s Endorsements!
The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Slaughter
Canadian-born latino and immigrant-hating southern white supremacist Senator Ted Cruz has received the much-coveted endorsement of Larry Pratt’s Gun Owners of America:
While there are many candidates in the race, Ted Cruz is the only one who has completed and returned the GOA presidential survey on the Second Amendment.
Wait, wut? That’s all it took?
Oh, crap:
“Ted Cruz has promised gun owners that, as President, he will remove the United States as a signatory nation to the anti-gun Arms Trade Treaty — a U.N. treaty that would fully implement a system of gun owner registration if ratified by the U.S. Senate.
“Ted Cruz has promised gun owners that he will repeal anti-gun Executive Orders that circumvent Congress and veto anti-gun legislation if it reaches his desk.
“As a U.S. Senator, Ted Cruz has demonstrated a willingness to fight for our Second Amendment rights. He is working with GOA on legislation to repeal the Obama Administration’s gun ban that is (and will) affect millions of military veterans and senior citizens.
“He has opposed efforts to reward millions of illegal aliens with citizenship and voting rights, given that the majority of them are anti-gunners who have ignored and flouted our laws.
“He has cosponsored legislation to allow concealed carry reciprocity for law-abiding gun owners. This legislation (S. 498) is of special importance to GOA members and activists. It is one of our chief priorities in Congress.
“This election season is quickly becoming the “year of the outsider.” And to that end, Ted Cruz has been able to “speak truth to power” as a member of the U.S. Senate.
“It was Senator Cruz who in July of 2015, blasted the Senate leadership for lying to fellow Republicans and the American people. Not only that, just a couple of months prior, he stood on the Senate floor and asked “what exactly is the difference between a Democratic and Republican majority?”
“Cruz blistered the leadership for failing to block the confirmation of President Obama’s executive and judicial nominees. In particular, Cruz noted that the Republican leadership could have — and should have — blocked the confirmation of anti-gun Loretta Lynch for Attorney General.
“It’s obvious that Senator Cruz follows the Constitution, not a political party.
“It was Senator Cruz who led the filibuster fight in 2013 against funding the anti-gun ObamaCare law, which will facilitate the disarmament of millions of gun owners once the law is fully implemented.
“While there are many problems with ObamaCare, Cruz recognizes how computerizing the medical records of millions of gun owners will allow the federal government to troll those names and add millions of honest gun owners to the NICS system — in the same way that the Obama Administration is currently using medical information to disarm military veterans, and proposing to do the same with senior citizens.
“Ted Cruz has promised to sign a bill to completely repeal ObamaCare as President. To that end, he has already introduced S. 339, which would repeal the health care law “as if such Act had not been enacted.”
“Finally, as we said above, one of Ted Cruz’ chief concerns as Senator has been the creeping “judicial tyranny” in our nation. We need a President who is going to rein in the courts by appointing judges who reject the notion that our Constitution is a “living and breathing” document that can be twisted to support any crackpot agenda that anti-gun liberals like Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi advocate.”
So… it was the ad where he cooked bacon on his gun, right? that clinched the deal!
