declar...(hic)...ations

Dame Peggington Noonington Explains ‘Work’ To The Little People

The Clintons give Mama such a sad.

[Peggy Noonan’s thoughts, like her gin, only get better with age, do they not? Enjoy this Noonan classic, from the Wonkette archives of Peggy Noonan Noonaning, for Labor Day.] Today is Friday and for our sins the Good Lord hath seen fit to deliver unto us further maundering from the pen of Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan, blessed servant of the Order of Thorazine and Gin. Let us gaze upon her works together, so that we might make of ourselves better repositories for her Wisdom. Two small ...

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I Used To Think That I Was Cool Runnin' Around On Fossil Fuel

Labor Day Weekend Gas Prices Lowest Since 2004, Have You Thanked Michele Bachmann Yet?

Promised and Delivered!

Gasoline prices are down, so go fill up all your recreational machines and have a carbon-spewing Global Warming extravaganza, America! The average price of gasoline was $2.51 per gallon on Monday, the Energy Information Administration (EIA) said, the lowest price for a Monday before Labor Day since gas was $1.87 per gallon in 2004. The gas price on the same day last year was $3.45 per gallon. Just remember when you fill your tank to thank President Michele Bachmann, who made this all ...

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Thanks workers

Let’s All Get Drunk For Three Days, For ‘Unions’ Or Whatever

Hoo boy howdy yee haw, what a week, right? RIGHT?! We persecuted some Christians and threw them in jail — well, just the one, for now, but BEWARE CHRISTIANS, WE ARE COMING FOR ALL OF YOU. And we laughed and laughed, oh how we laughed, at Donald Trump spanking Jeb right on his behind again even harder some more, for being a Bush and also a “low-energy” loser weak sissy crybaby Spanisher who talks Mexican instead of American, what a hater. And we pitied poor Rick Perry, for ...

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Yr Wonkette woke up like dis

Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!

Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee's archnemesis!

BREAKING NEWS, GUYS. On this day in (year redacted because TIMELESS, but also 1981), Beyoncé Knowles was bornded, and then she went on “Star Search,” and then she did Destiny’s Child, and then she broke off on her own and became a BOSS, and now she is the Queen of the Illuminati, THE END! Except why not, let’s remember a couple of the hilarious times Beyoncé has shown up on this mommyblog and recipe hub, usually because some Republican (Mike Huckabee) says ...

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sad trombone

Satan Probably Won’t Let Kim Davis Raise Bigot Bucks On GoFundMe :(

Guess she'll just have to go get a wingnut book deal or something.

A lot of people have been saying, OOH THAT KIM DAVIS, that asshole, that adulteress, that bleeding pus-filled skin tag on the lady-jumper-concealed inner thigh of humanity! That’s not what this post is about, people have just been saying those things a lot. Anyway, people have also been saying, “Yeah, just wait for the GoFundMe,” because that’s what whore-grifting put-upon fundamentalist Christians do when the rest of America does the Holocaust to them, by forcing ...

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The Goalposts Of Life

Georgia High School Adds Baptisms To Football Practice, Benches Constitution

Drop Kick Me Jesus

Residents of Villa Rica, Georgia, are astonished that anyone could have a problem with a group baptism of football players on school grounds before a recent F’ball practice. Because they love America, and Jebus, and F’ball — which is why it made perfect sense to have the minister of First Baptist Church of Villa Rica kick off the season with some full-immersion baptizing on the football field, just like Jesus told us to do in the Constitution’s Fourth Commandment: ...

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Call The Brute Squad

Trump Bodyguard Slugs Hispanican Protester, Seals GOP Nomination For Boss

Boom! Take that, Mexico!

Donald Trump’s security detail put its best fists forward in a confrontation with Latino protesters outside the Trump Tower Thursday, ripping away a protest sign and coldcocking a protester who tried to grab it back. When you watch this video, you may think you see a couple of assholes in suits assaulting a protester, but the average Trump voter will see an encouraging example of Making America Great Again. While Trump was inside the hotel pledging to (wink-wink) definitely not run as ...

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Bristol Goes To War Again

Bristol Palin Ringin’ Those Bells To Warn Us The Chinese Are Coming

It would seem that in addition to being America’s foremost expert on how to get knocked up by God without even trying, Bristol Palin has learned herself some stuff and things also too about foreign policy. Not only is she the only one in America who’s bothering to worry about ISIS, but she is also quite very a lot alarmed about the Chinese Navy double-parked right off the coast of Alaska. (No word on whether Bristol’s ghostblogger can actually see the five naval ships from ...

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nice time!

It’s A Nice Day To Kentucky Marry Your Gay Homosexual Lover!

New county clerk much nicer than the last.

Yr Wonkette loves stories with happy endings, and yr Wonkette loves getting married! You know that thing that Editrix Becca did, when she Montana-married her heterosexual lover? Well, due to how SOMEBODY is currently doing a little jail time for being a very bad girl, gays are Kentucky-marrying their homosexual lovers in Rowan County today! Is there pizza? PROBABLY. Here’s some video of Will Smith (not THAT Will Smith) and James Yates, the first couple to get a marriage license in ...

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Smartest Guys In the Room

Reality TV Show Star Thinks Neurosurgeon Isn’t Qualified To Run America

Hey, Hitler knew things, and see where that got us

Fish splooge runner-up Donald Trump continued his charm offensive this week. In addition to explaining that Jeb! Bush can never be president of America if he refuses to speako the English, Trump turned his attention to Ben Carson, who recently tied Trump for the first time in a poll of Iowa Republicans. In an interview with Tucker Carlson’s Internet Nexus For Worried White People, Trump said he thinks Carson is quite the nice fellow, but would probably not be a very good president ...

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A dumbass says what?

Rick Perry: Even Dumber Than You Thought. No, Even Dumber. No, Even DUMBER.

We’re just going to keep begging for someone — anyone, please, anyone at all — to make it stop for poor, dumb BUT LIKE REALLY DUMB Rick Perry. Please. See, on Thursday afternoon, Donald J. Trump, of the Donald J. Trump empire, and also of the Republican presidential primary fucktasm, speeched all over the TV, as he loves to do, about how he is Donald J. Trump, and you’re not. And that all those weak loser Republican candidates he’s supposedly competing against, ...

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Better Cancel That Meeting With Spielberg

Sorry, Jeb Bush Is Not The Savior Of The Jews

On the up side, he never said 'Molotov'

Jeb! Bush got caught stretching the truth just a teensy bit on his campaign website, claiming that he helped to organize a secret mission that saved thousands of Ethiopian Jews in the early ’80s. It’s a heartwarming story of compassion and international diplomacy that rescued virtually all members of an oppressed minority group and brought them to safety in Israel. And it all really happened, except that Jeb Bush is fibbing about the size of the role he played. Doesn’t this guy ...

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Is That A Salmon In Your Pocket Or...?

President Obama Got Diddled By A Fish, Y’all

Some Presidents get shoes thrown at them. Some get salmon jizz thrown on their shoes

Barack Obama visited the Alaskan fishing village of Dillingham Wednesday, where he sampled some salmon jerky, talked to the residents about climate change, and met an amorous salmon which jizzed all over his mukluks. The fish’s negligent discharge occurred while the president was getting a look at the villagers’ traditional fishing methods; after holding up one fine specimen that he pronounced “a nice-looking fish right there,” Obama was invited to grab a second ...

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THE PERSECUTION HAS BEGUNNETH!!!!

Kim Davis Is In Jail, And Wingnuts Are Jizz-Crapping Their Pull-Ups In RAGE!

Kim Davis, RIGHT NOW.

CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! CRU-CI-FY! Oh, we are just joshing, nobody wants Kim Davis crucified. (OR DO WE?) Wingnuts, though? Remember that time they lost their whole country in the span of a week, because gay marriage was legalized and the Confederate flag came down? Well, they’ve lost it again! NO COUNTRY FOR STUPID WINGNUTS, that’s what we like to say. And they are good and damn sure that a judge putting Kentucky clerk Kim Davis in jail for failing to do HER EFFING JOB is just ...

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Revisionist History In Record Time

Nikki Haley Wishes Black Folks Wouldn’t Be So Ugly About Getting Shot By Police

That smile is unnatural, is what it is.

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley would just like America’s The Blacks to settle down and stop making such a big fuss over the occasional unfortunate shootings of black people by white cops, because if they protest such shootings, the cops will stop protecting them or something. In a speech at the National Press Club Wednesday, Haley slammed the Black Lives Matter movement and called for The Blacks to stop saying mean things about police, and instead, get along with white people like ...

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Thanks A Lot The Gays

Whiny Tennessee Judge Says No More Divorce Because Gays Ruined That Too

Now they've even destroyed the sanctity of divorce

GodDANGit, The Gays, why you gotta ruin everything? Now that you have the same legal rights as opposite-gays to get married, fight about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, and despise each others’ legal and officially state-sanctioned mothers-in-law, nothing is sacred. Not even divorce: A local judge contends the U.S. Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage has derailed Tennessee’s ability to determine what constitutes divorce — leaving one Signal Mountain couple ...

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